Longing
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Personal Log: Entry 7-301
Perhaps it is living among Humans so long that has caused my lack of emotional stability. I find myself reacting upon my emotions more with each passing Standard Solar day. My Human half is betraying me slowly. Thus far no one has noticed.
Thus far…he has not noticed.
What information I have gathered from my future counterpart about the timeline that would have been, without the interference of Nero, James Kirk would have been my closest friend. This he tells me willingly, urging me to give James the benefit of a doubt. Thus far, my Captain has exceeded my expectations as a tactician in battle as well as in chess, calm in the face of any emergency, and gifted with an illogical but vastly effective intuitive sense. I was surprised to find him well versed in the older works of literature of his world particularly those of Milton and Shakespeare. I am also surprised to find he can also understand and speak a small measure of the Vulcan language, particularly that of the Shi'Al region where I am from.
Whether from my increased duties aboard the Enterprise or from the increased frequency of time I spend near Ja-… Jim, my tenuous relationship with Nyota has been mutually terminated. She had complained for a while of my companionship with Jim, I had justified it by stating that as he and I were first and second in command (respectively) that we would need to know more about one another and my time spent with him was logical.
I should know from experience that while compared to a Vulcan, Humans are largely psi-null; they are gifted with an intuitive sense that became part of their everyday survival. My mother showed an aptitude in this sense, Nyota was not an exception.
She could sense that I had grown fond of Jim, more than I should, more than is appropriate of a friend. This affection was the cause of the dissolution of our relationship.
It is true.
I feel more strongly for Jim than I have for anyone save family.
I cannot state an exact time that I realized I harbored romantic feelings for him.
However I know that I do.
I greatly enjoy our time playing chess or discussing the social constructs of the times of his favorite literature and mine. In battle- I shame myself- when I am forced to press close and I smell his pheromones, I purposely edge closer. I long for him to whisper to me in other ways, not when our lives are in danger. When he touches me out of camaraderie placing his hand on my shoulder, the accidental brush of his fingers during chess if he is preoccupied with other things, my blood burns for more and I ache to know what my future self knew with the Jim of his timeline.
I ache to know the completion he felt bonded to this man who was in every way his opposite. My elder self once told me that his Jim gave up everything to save him: his commission, his ship, the body of his son. He risked death itself as an ill fated planet called Genesis broke up underneath him to save him.
He risked all to save him because he loved him.
This love I cannot comprehend.
I ache to know this love, to feel this deep belonging and know that no matter where I go whether I am accepted there or not because of my hybrid genetics, I am accepted in him and I need no other. To be so thoroughly complete that I need no other for the rest of my days…
Jim…
To call you…t'hy'la…such a joy I…cannot comprehend.
Jim, taluhk nash-veh k'dular.
Forgive me!
Ashau nash-veh k'dular.
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