Alrighty then. This is a pure work of crack written with the assistance of my new bff, Sexy Voldemort. It's pretty short, and doesn't flow, but I thought it was a work of art.
Kuroshitsuji is NOT mine. For obvious reasons...
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"Young Master, it's time for you to wake up." Sebastian said as he opened the drapes and prepared Ciel's clothes for the day. As he did so, he told Ciel what he had made him for breakfast. Which he usually eats in bed like the spoiled brat he is.
"I made you grilled cheese, because I was lazy... this contract is starting to get on my nerves. There's also milk…. And yeah…. That's it." He walked to the closet to grab Ciel's shoes, and told him he could bloody well dress himself. As he opened the door Alois Trancy popped out wearing a rainbow feather boa and not much else. Like a necklace. Not undies or anything, which disturbed him deeply. Trancy screamed like a girl and pounced out of the closet like a caged homosexual….which he was. The unconcealed Alois cleared Sebastian's head in one jump, and landed on the bed next to Ciel.
"Young Master, would you mind explaining …this….to….me?" He trailed off as he was asking young Ciel why there was a naked slightly older boy, no sorry, a naked slightly older boy wearing a feather boa and a necklace in his closet, when he noticed a tent under the bed sheets, a small tent, but a tent none the less. Ciel noticed Sebastian staring and reached down to cover himself, but was stopped when Alois reached under the sheets and grabbed Ciel's butt, with such force, it made Ciel jump.
"Thanks for the party lover boy~" Alois then excused himself from the room, shaking his usually booty short covered butt, and walked down the long hallway to take a shower in one of the many Phantomhive bathrooms. As soon as they heard the water running, Sebastian knew it was safe to talk again, no one ever interrupts Alois' shower. Ever.
Ciel ate his grilled cheese without complaint, considering what had just happened, and tried to avoid the gaze of his demon butler. Sebastian was awe struck, his pupils had been burned off by the sight of Alois blinding white butt, and as far as he could tell, his retinas were gone as well, from the tent under the sheets. He blinked, trying to clear his mind of the blinding thoughts when Ciel spoke.
"What the hell is this? I'm not wearing these…. This shirt is so out of style. Totally 18th century. Give me your clothes. You're always bragging about the wool and cotton, so fork it over." While Ciel made this short speech, his facial expression stayed the same as always. He could have been having an orgasm for all Sebastian knew.
"But Young Master… what would I wear?"
"You wear nothing you fool, now hand it over before I set Pluto on you."
Reluctantly he undid his pants and dropped them to the floor, along with his blazer, vest, and dress shirt.
"Ah, ah. What do you think you're doing? I need those too." He said as he motioned to the only clothing Sebastian had left on. His boxers.
Sebastian, not wanting to upset the Young Master, did as he was asked and dropped his drawers.
"Will that be all, Master?"
Ciel looked at him like he had three heads, but the reason wasn't because he was stark naked.
"Are you kidding? What do you think, I'm going to dress myself?" He got out of the bed, also completely naked, and lifted his arms like an airplane, awaiting Sebastian to clothe him. Sebastian awkwardly picked his clothes up off of the floor and started dressing his Master.
"Why were you so pissy this morning, PMSing again?" Ciel asked while Sebastian did up his shirt.
"You punched my cat in the face, Master…."
"No need to get worked up about that, since you were so generous as to give me your clothes, we can go get you a kitten like you've always wanted."
"Really truly, Master?" Sebastian asked in a high pitched whine like a little girl.
"Really truly." All Sebastian's dreams had come true.
Several awkward minutes later, Ciel was standing in Sebastian's huge clothes, and Sebastian was standing there…. In his birthday suit.
"If you don't mind, I think I'll go put some clothes-"
"No, you can't. An order's an order, and you can't do anything about it."
He stalked from the room, the sleeves of Sebastian's blazer dragging on the floor behind him.
Sebastian just stood there, naked. It's not like it bothered him, he was a demon after all. And demons were usually naked anyways….
He heard a crash from the hallway, and a lot of screaming, as well as the startled gasp of his now clothed Young Master. He dashed into the hallway, putting his hands between his legs so he didn't bounce around, and went to investigate.
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" He was met with the pleasant sight of a still naked Alois straddling Finni in the hallway, choking the daylights out of him with his feather boa.
"..." He smashed Finni's head off the ground to emphasize each word. Water was flying everywhere from Alois' hair, and there was a trail of water, along with blood coming from the bathroom door.
Ciel stood frozen in the middle of the hall… he must have been picking his nose because his finger was jammed up there like he was digging for gold. From the nostril that wasn't occupied by a finger, a small stream of blood trickled out onto the floor.
Finni's head lolled as unconsciousness set in, and even though Sebastian was pretty sure Alois could tell, he was still choking him anyways. Ciel, realizing his finger was in his nose, pulled it out and walked over to Alois.
"Alois! ALOIS...TRANCY YOU BASTARD, STOP IT, HE'S DYING!" Alois looked up from choking Finnian and looked deeply into Ciel's eye.
"B-b-but, he interrupted my SHOWER!" Alois just looked too adorable, sopping wet and naked, for Ciel to stay mad at for very long.
"It's okay, we can finish your shower now." He helped Alois up and led him back into the bathroom to have crazy unprotected sex in the shower.
Sebastian walked over and flung Finni over his shoulder and started his trek to the staff's sleeping quarters. He slunk behind corners, not wanting to cause problems in the manor by having people see him naked. Although he tried his best, he forgot that Meyrin could smell him from a mile away, and had the unfortunate luck to run into her while she was breaking a vase.
"Sebastian? SEBASTIAN? FFFFUUURRRGGHHHHNNNG~" As predicted, as soon as she saw him, her nose shot blood at 400 mph. She shrivelled into a ball on the ground from the lack of blood and imploded. He kicked the shrivelled ball into the corner, and kept on his way to the other side of the house to put Finny in his bed.
The rest of the walk was made in peace, considering Bard was probably catching shit on fire with his blow torch, and Pluto was more than likely cleaning himself in the yard... in human form…. He shuddered at the thought and placed Fin in his bed, and covered him with the blankets.
He exited the room to give Pluto a bath, which would most likely be awkward considering he was naked, and Pluto was in human form…again. He made his way into the yard to find Claude peeping into the manor from one of the trees. He looked up into the window at what Claude was drooling at, to have yet another pertinent part of his eyes be burned off by the sight of Ciel and Alois in the bathroom. He looked away quickly and threw a knife into the tree.
"Ouch." Claude said emotionlessly, and climbed out of the tree. He straightened his glasses and glared at Sebastian.
"What was that for?" Claude asked, not even noticing that Sebastian was naked.
"You were peeping in on the Young Master… and his… Mistress? Or whatever you want to call Alois." Claude's expressionless face turned slightly pink as he remembered the scene in the bathroom, which would be disturbing to anyone else.
"I was merely watching out for my Master."
"Sure you were. Sure you were…." Sebastian noticed Claude was glowing and looked to his abdomen. There he noted a very pronounced bulge, and couldn't help but ask…
"Are you pregnant?"
"How could you tell?"
"I dunno. It was either that or you gained 40 pounds from binge eating ice cream in a crazed depression at your realization that Ciel will never be yours." He smirked and congratulated himself at his awesome comeback.
"No, that's not it. I'm pregnant." Claude pulled at the hem of his shirt. It appeared to be about 6 sizes too small.
"Who's the father?" Sebastian asked to be polite.
"I am." Claude replied expressionlessly.
"Say what?"
"Claude."
"Who's Claude?"
"I am." Claude's "U MAD" face was very prominent at this point as he caressed his belly.
"That can't be. I knew you were some pretty freaky shit, but this takes it too far."
"No it's true. I am my child's father and mother. The baby should be due any time now." They stood there staring at each other, Sebastian at a loss for words.
"By the way…. Why are you naked?" Claude finally seemed to notice.
"Long story." Sebastian said and he left Claude and his freaky unborn selfchild to have some alone time.
Mentally preparing himself for what was to come, he gathered all his demon courage and went to find Pluto. The experience was surely going to be a scarring one. Not that the whole day hadn't been scarring already. What with all the nakedness, nosebleeds, feather boas and pregnancies.
He walked around the side of the house and found Pluto in his usual place, crying because he was left outside. As soon as he noticed that Sebastian had come to see him, he jumped up, reverted to human form, and ran over to him on all fours. After an awkward crotch examination courtesy of Pluto, it was time to lather up to give him the bath he needed.
He hauled the hose from the side of the shed and turned it on, accidentally spraying himself in the process. And you know what a naked wet Sebastian on a hot day means? Grell. Being tackled and humped ferociously by Pluto, Sebastian didn't realize the red headed shinigami had made his grand entrance.
"Oh, Sebas-chan~ I have come to rescue you from this foul beast! Let our love's hot flames burn through this creature's heart of stone! Sebby, run to me, I have come for you!"
Sebastian was so completely occupied by trying to dislodge the horny Pluto from his person, that he didn't notice Grell's entrance. Hurt that his true love didn't acknowledge him, he decided to spray the special perfume William had gotten for him on their two day anniversary. As soon as the aroma reached Pluto's sensitive canine/human nose, he stopped thrusting into Sebastian's legs immediately. He cocked his head to the side and locked onto Grell.
"Owooooooah!" Pluto howled like a hormone crazed animal and leapt at Grell, who fell to the ground with as much grace as Hulk Hogan, and was humped passionately. It seemed not only William liked the perfume his woman wore potent. Sebastian just smiled his creepy ass smile, and decided that maybe he'd find a cat to play with.
Perfect. Just the cat he was looking for. A nice little black one. He could almost feel its soft pink paws already. Maybe Ciel would let him keep this one just like he promised. Just as he was about to pick he little bundle of sugar, spice, and everything nice, Finni ran screaming from the manor in Sebastian's direction. Maybe he should have let Alois finish the job in the hallway...
"Sebastian! Sebastian! Something wonderful is happening! Claude is having his baby in the middle of the dining room table! Hurry! Come quick!" He was about to turn and dash back to the manor when he noticed something in the distance.
"Is that Grell... with MY PLUTO? Pluto my baby, I'm coming to save you! You're a good boy, you don't deserve this!" Sebastian was wondering what Finni was talking about, considering that Pluto was the one "attacking" Grell, but when he turned back to the scene he had just hoped to leave behind forever, it seemed that the tables had turned on poor, poor, Pluto. He sighed, it's not like he expected anything different from Grell. If it had a penis, Grell was there.
He watched as Fin picked up Grell and smashed him face first into the ground, and spat on him, very un-Finni like, and caressed Pluto as he sobbed into his shoulder.
Already bored by the display, he turned back to the kitty he wanted, only to find out all the commotion had scared the poor thing away. Deciding there was nothing better to do than watch the creepy selfchild be born, he made his way back to the manor.
When he arrived in the ballroom, he was met with a sight I would rather not explain. Let's just say goo, and screaming. You can decide where the baby came out of. His poor Young Master and his "Mistress" were also lain witness to the inhuman, not even demon, atrocity that was happening right before his eyes. Sebastian would have to change the table cloth after this...
"Push Claude push!" He encouraged himself, "You're almost done!"
"Shut the fuck up, you're not the one having this baby!" He screamed back at himself, his face contorted in pain.
"Yes I am! Are you insane!" He bellowed back at himself.
"HNNNG!" He groaned. After a small popping noise and a secretion of green goo, there sat Claude and a small bundle of joy.
"Oh! It's a girl!" He cuddled his selfchild to his cheek and whispered sweet nothings to it. Sebastian made his way over to Alois and Ciel.
"Well that was amusing." They just stood there, in shock, vomit trailing from the corner of Ciel's mouth.
"Baby, I dub thee Clause!... Clause... why are you beeping? Please stop... you're scaring me." It was true, the newborn selfchild has started beeping ominously. Without warning a few seconds later, the child exploded in Claude's arms, decimating everything in the room... after a few minutes, the debris cleared, and Sebastian found himself on top of Alois and Ciel, and he wondered how they all had survived such a severe explosion. There was a dead weight on top of him, and he realized, that Claude's still smoking carcass had protected all three of them in the room from the brunt of the explosion. He pushed Claude's dead body off of them, and sat up, pulling Ciel and his Mistress with him.
"Young Master, are you alright?" He asked stoically, as if that whole experience didn't want to make him cut his wrists. Without replying, the two started violently making out in his lap. Tongues flailing, and limbs locked, it was quite a sight to see. Ciel broke the lip lock for a few seconds and looked up a Sebastian.
"By the way, you can't get a kitten. I was lying." Then he dove back into the make-out session without another word.
The End