Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters or concepts therein. I am nowhere near brilliant enough, sadly. The inspiration for this fanfiction was found at: http : / cafe-de-labeill .livejournal .com / 1089 .html #cutid1.
Warnings: This does have graphic descriptions, though those are much later on, and there are a few instances of heavy trauma and emotional upheaval. If you've ever seen Supernatural, you know what I mean. Also, it does contain spoilers for seasons four, five, and six. If you have not seen those, it is highly advised you do not read this.
Word Count: 13,252
If Only He Knew
Castiel looked around at his surroundings, breathing in the cold night air and exhaling heavily, watching with mild interest as his breath made swirling whorls in the air. Even though he'd been on Earth for a little over two years and had been outside on nights like this before, it still fascinated him on some level to watch and notice the things that humans, living on Earth their entire lives and never knowing anything else, took for granted. Not that Castiel begrudged them one bit; he was fighting in Heaven for these people so that they could continue to take these things for granted. If the other angels won – which was not something Castiel intended to let happen, no matter the cost – then these humans could very well find themselves in a world completely alien to their own, or worse: they wouldn't even be around to experience the new alien world.
The war was difficult, and took up a lot of Castiel's time and effort; and yet, what recharged him more effectively than resting was moving around on Earth. Everything on Earth is so vibrant: environments, light, sound, taste (his run-in with Famine was still not forgotten), people…especially the people.
One person in particular Castiel found especially vibrant. One Dean Winchester, whom Castiel had pulled from Perdition, at first only because he'd been ordered to. As time had passed, however, Castiel had seen that pulling Dean from that place he'd been was the best thing to happen to the Earth and Castiel in centuries. Dean was strong, Dean was resourceful, Dean was violent, Dean was moody, Dean was commanding, Dean was accommodating. Dean was…human. And no matter how badly he grated on Castiel's nerves at times, his humanity was striking enough to make regretting pulling him from Perdition the furthest thing from Castiel's mind.
The more time he'd spent with Dean, the closer they'd gotten. And, on some level that Castiel could easily ignore when he needed to, it hurt him to see Dean place other people above him in terms of importance.
Sam was one thing; Castiel knew how important Sam was to Dean, and how important Dean was to Sam. It literally was the foundation of their entire relationship, and Castiel wouldn't want them to be any other way.
What bothered Castiel were various females Dean had become attached to.
But even then, his disquiet was largely tempered, at least in the case of Lisa. Lisa had been there for Dean before Castiel, and she had been a bulwark of safety, of normality for Dean. She provided comfort and the chance for Dean to live the life he'd always wanted to, and which he honestly deserved to live. How could Castiel be unsettled that Lisa would be Dean's first choice for comfort after the situation with the Pit? He knew she'd offered Dean a life with her and her son, something that Castiel could not and would not be able to offer; he'd been too busy with trying to keep Heaven in check.
On some level, Castiel knew Dean understood that.
Anna, however, Castiel was still disinclined to look upon with anything but neutral to negative feelings. She'd been his superior in a previous time, yes, but the path she'd taken was counterproductive, and posed a threat to many. Especially when she'd gone back in time to try and keep Sam from being conceived. If she'd been successful, then Dean's entire character would be completely different, and it's hard to say what the fate of the world would have been. But, then again, Castiel knew as well as anyone that destiny had a way of becoming fulfilled, and the more circuitous a route it took, the more devastating it became when it finally came to pass.
There was also the matter of Dean having…relations…with Anna, which bothered Castiel for reasons he didn't entirely understand. He knew that his feelings for Dean were entirely platonic, and yet…he felt as though, by being with Anna, Dean had largely ignored the bond between him and Castiel. Castiel had pulled Dean from ultimate and eternal damnation, and Dean had been marked by Castiel in an irreversible manner; but for that to be completely ignored…
But even as he thought that, Castiel knew that, had he come when Dean had called for him while Castiel was busy trying to save his brothers, what had transpired between Dean and Anna probably wouldn't have come to pass. Additionally, even if he had been able to help Dean somehow (which he wasn't entirely sure about, since most attempts made by him to comfort Dean didn't really end well), Castiel knew that there was a certain quality to the type of comfort Anna was able to offer Dean.
Castiel held no delusions; he was an angel, Dean a human. Romantic actions between the two of them were considered blasphemous, and there were no two ways about it. But Dean being with Anna was still a bothersome thing for Castiel to contemplate any longer, so he simply put it out of his mind, instead turning toward Dean in general. Whatever complications Castiel had to deal with, whatever complications came from Dean and those surrounding him, Castiel could recognize one thing that was extremely simple, and provided respite for him when everything else was so complex: if Dean needed him, then he would come. It was a simple and completely honest tenet of their…circumstance, since no other word came to Castiel's mind.
Having a bond like they did, Dean was fairly easy to locate, and when he did, he frowned before standing up and walking to a shadowed area before disappearing with no more noise than the flapping of wings.
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The place Castiel found Dean in was not surprising, and he had to admit he was slightly impressed with the countermeasures Dean had taken in preparation for anything. We chose correctly in Dean Winchester, he thought as he flitted into the room.
"Who the hell are you?" Dean asked gruffly, trying valiantly to be intimidating while not appearing scared.
"I'm Castiel," was Castiel's response. There was a brief pause in the conversation where Dean tried various methods proven to kill demons to hurt Castiel. Castiel knew it was an exercise in futility, but he was caught up in studying Dean Winchester as he moved and attacked to be truly irritated or anything other than interested.
After he'd had holy water flung at him (as well as other not-as-pleasant materials), been shot, and been stabbed, Castiel had seen enough of how Dean Winchester fought. And he decided that Dean Winchester was capable of handling anything thrown at him.
So when Dean asked, "What are you?" Castiel felt no qualm in telling Dean exactly what he was. When this was met with skepticism – which, again, Castiel wasn't entirely surprised by – Castiel did something angels were rarely supposed to do. He showed Dean his wings. Rather, he showed Dean his wings in a way that wouldn't blind the man.
Grudgingly, Dean had accepted Castiel's claim as true, though he had an issue with the "of the Lord" part of Castiel's title, which Castiel understood. As long as Dean accepted that Castiel was in fact an angel, then he would be of use, and he would be able to fulfill the role he'd been selected to play, though at present, he didn't seem to be too enthused.
Perhaps that was to be expected, after all, since he'd spent 40 years in Hell, only to be yanked out and thrown into the middle of nowhere and expected to just comply with what was asked of him. It wasn't in Dean's character to be anything other than stubborn and resilient, which is what made him so ideal to stop the apocalypse.
As Castiel left, he knew that Dean Winchester was two things, one completely contingent upon the other: he was a good man, and it was because he was a good man that he would be able to save the world from Lucifer.
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Sometimes, Castiel thought in mild frustration, I wish Dean weren't so stubborn. Even as he said that, he knew it not to be true, but if Dean were just a little more compliant, then there wouldn't be so much trouble between him, Castiel, Sam, and Uriel.
He knew that, given a choice between destroying the town and possibly averting something that could destroy all of humanity, he would choose the greater good every time. The fact that Dean was so selfish put a wrench into the works that Castiel hadn't anticipated, though perhaps he should have. He had been selected to pull Dean from Perdition at the moment Dean was born.
Castiel figured that maybe he should've expected Dean to be stubborn and concerned with protecting the individual over protecting the majority, given that he'd observed Dean sporadically over the course of his life. He had been instructed and informed of the circumstances surrounding the Winchesters, and though other angels had clamored to watch over the elder Winchester brother, Castiel had been chosen.
When he'd asked why he had been chosen over every other angel, even the archangels, he had been told that he had been deemed the most loyal to the cause, the most worthy to guide two pivotal figures in the fate of the planet Earth. That knowledge bolstered him in times of difficulty, including times such as this. Uriel wanted to destroy the town in order to keep Samhain from being summoned and another seal from being broken; Dean refused to sacrifice the townspeople for the sake of one witch.
Castiel heard Uriel say that he would be back in a given amount of time, expecting Dean and Sam to have made a decision by then. When he was gone, Dean had told Castiel that they would find another way to keep Samhain from being summoned, one that would save the town at the same time.
Such are the difficulties in dealing with a pair of heroes, Castiel thought before he vanished in a flurry of sound. He wasn't one to make meaningless sacrifices, but at the same time, surely it was better to eradicate any chance, leave behind no opportunities to have their plans foiled. It'd be easier if the people they were supposed to be helping would let them help, but Castiel knew as well as anyone that was easier wasn't always right. But stopping evil was always right, wasn't it?
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Castiel had two reasons to be extremely uneasy about Dean torturing the captured Alastair. One was the obvious worry that torturing again, after the psychological effects it had had on Dean that he was still suffering through, would either break him, make him even more unwilling to help them, or (and this was the worry that Castiel knew was outlandish, even as he thought it) would find pleasure in it.
It was one thing to torture for information; it was another thing entirely to torture for pleasure, something that Alastair was a master of and that he had tried to teach Dean, though thankfully Dean's nature had thus far kept him from doing anything of the sort. Still, torture can be a slippery slope, and it would undoubtedly be only natural if Dean transferred the desire to torture for information to torture those who had done him wrong or were doing wrong.
Torture may be a means to an end, but in Castiel's opinion, even a noble end rarely truly justified such means.
The other worry that Castiel had was that Alastair would reveal the reason Castiel had pulled Dean from Perdition, the reason that Dean was integral in averting Lucifer's return. If being made to torture wouldn't pit Dean against the angels, learning his true role in the apocalypse certainly would.
So Castiel sat, and Castiel waited.
Once he tried to watch, but Dean had moved from injecting Alastair with holy water to using the knife gained from Ruby, which had been dipped in holy water and then covered in salt, to cut and carve at Alastair. That Dean was doing it with such a stone-faced expression made Castiel unsure whether or not Dean was enjoying this, or whether it was strictly business.
There's no way that Dean volunteering to torture Alastair wouldn't be largely personal; Castiel could only hope that Dean would remember that he wasn't torturing out of revenge, but to gain information to try and save the angels. Castiel could only make guesses, but humans had a nasty way of overturning all the possible expectations of divinity.
In retrospect, it had been discovered that the bond that Castiel had formed by pulling Dean out of Perdition, signified by the brand on Dean's arm, allowed Castiel to have some other forms of surveillance on Dean Winchester. Castiel's right hand would come alive with various sensations and intensities, depending on what Dean was feeling and how strongly he was feeling it.
At some point in the torture of Alastair, Castiel's hand nearly erupted in flames, and he reflexively looked at his hand, expecting his palm to be raised, red, angry, and blistering; but his palm looked normal. At first, Castiel didn't know what it had meant.
But then Alastair had broken out of the trap he'd been in, and had almost killed Dean by the time Castiel was able to get past the barrier. And then Castiel too had almost been defeated, almost send back to Heaven, until Sam had come and in a display of ability both impressive and worrisome, he killed Alastair.
Dean had to be hospitalized because he was so badly beaten. Castiel had gone to see him, and Dean had asked the question that confirmed one of Castiel's worries and made the other worry even more concerning. "Did I break the first seal? Did I start all of this?"
Castiel couldn't lie to him; on top of being an angel, Dean didn't deserve to be lied to, not about this. Even Castiel could recognize that. But still, Dean, as the catalyst, was the only one who could stop Lucifer. Castiel didn't know how exactly, and it pained him slightly that he couldn't give Dean all the information he deserved, but he knew that, regardless of the how, Dean Winchester was the hope and the tool of Heaven.
"I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not strong enough. I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me." Castiel knew that knowing the truth would make Dean more unwilling to help, but he'd never guessed that it would be out of despair, not out of anger. It seemed obvious now, however.
Castiel felt it was probably proper to leave Dean to himself, and as he left, he knew that, for some reason, he was suddenly a lot more interested in Dean's welfare. He told himself that it was because he had to be sure that Dean was capable of averting the apocalypse, but…something about that didn't feel entirely correct.
Whatever this was, Castiel had no intention of letting it cloud his vision. Dean had a job to do, and if he were healthy, he would be able to do that job, and still be able to live after it.
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Every secret that Castiel had kept had always been a lie of omission, never intentionally lying, but never bringing up anything that wasn't explicitly discussed.
But there were some things that not even Castiel had known about Dean's role in the apocalypse and what plans the angels had for him. Castiel knew that Dean had to stop the apocalypse, and once he'd gone against Uriel, Uriel had revealed that Dean wasn't supposed to keep the apocalypse from happening, but was supposed to stop it once it had. It was simply a matter of timing, but it was enough to make Dean furious at Castiel for the perceived deception.
Castiel only wanted to stop Lucifer, the same as Dean. They just had different methods of handling it, but they were in fact on the same side. It was remembering that that made Castiel reluctantly send Dean to St. Mary's Covenant after telling Dean that killing Lilith would break the final seal and release Lucifer.
After Dean had gone, Castiel spent some time organizing his thoughts and ideas, and spent a lot of time thinking about how to help Dean, and the differences between them. The angels wanted Lucifer free so that they could completely eradicate humanity, Castiel wanted Lucifer free so that he could eradicate Lucifer completely, and Dean and Sam wanted Lucifer to stay where he was.
But there no was mistaking the feeling that Castiel got, a feeling of immense power and trepidation; Lilith had been killed, and Lucifer had risen.
At that moment, Castiel knew that Dean's plan had been made irrelevant, and thus the goal he set himself to was to erase Lucifer entirely. He'd be fighting against his brethren, but his brethren were wrong.
It had startled Castiel when he realized that he did in fact think the angels were wrong, and that God would never have wanted humanity gone, even though the angels were perfect beings and undoubtedly more capable of ruling than flawed humans.
But Castiel realized that, regardless of their flaws, humans always wanted to do better, to be better; angels had no such intentions, already believing themselves to be what humanity aspired toward, and thus in no need of betterment.
Castiel did not agree with the angels, and thus that placed him on the side of Dean and Sam Winchester. Going against his brothers and sisters should worry him, and it did, to an extent. But that worry was mitigated by the fact that Castiel believed that he was serving God's true Will, that God had left humanity to rule over the planet for a reason, and that His order should be preserved.
Dean's job now was to stop Lucifer from ending the world; Castiel's job now was to make sure that Dean did everything he could to make that happen. Castiel would be Dean's guide and helper, just like he'd agreed to on the day of Dean's birth. The circumstances had been slightly altered, but his goal remained the same.
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Castiel heard Dean calling, and went; that was how it worked, still. Castiel hadn't forgotten the promises he'd made to himself, and since there was now a civil war in Heaven over the same thing Castiel had worked with Dean and Sam to prevent, Castiel was fairly sure his promises were still valid.
The bond he'd formed with Dean over two years started with something that was already fairly deep; the connection made and cemented by that handprint was inexplicable, but from that moment, Dean and Castiel had been even more closely intertwined. They had become something more than tool and guide.
He'd also come to respect Sam, because despite what the younger Winchester was, he was still Dean's brother, and thus he and Sam had a common goal: helping Dean. To that end, helping Sam was to help Dean, and though Castiel wished that he could, he could not find out who had pulled Sam from Hell.
His focus on that was quickly diverted by the mention of Biblical plagues having to do with, according to Dean and Sam, one Christopher Burch. Castiel knew that the weapons of God had gone missing during the course of the civil war, and he had no intention of giving Raphael any further advantage.
Then he had discovered that Christopher Burch's son, Aaron, was the true object of interest, and had wasted little time in garnering the information he needed. Balthazar. Castiel didn't know why Balthazar had felt it necessary to exchange a child's soul for the horn of Moses, but regardless, he now knew.
He'd performed a ritual that was painful for the child, and though it pained him to make Dean angry and make it seem as though he didn't care about what Dean wanted, Castiel had a job as the leader of Heaven. He had to quell Raphael's opposition, and this was one boy. Literally. The boy would turn out to be fine, Castiel knew as much, but Dean had still objected.
When fighting a war, Castiel knew that sometimes, sacrifices had to be made. It wasn't a justified sacrifice, but it also wasn't permanent, and a much smaller sacrifice than the continuation of the Apocalypse.
It didn't make him feel any better, but feelings and doubts were a luxury Castiel could afford to indulge even less than when they had been fighting against Lucifer. At least Lucifer had been slightly hindered by being unable to inhabit his true chosen vessel; Raphael had no such issues, and probably had a lot less concern for the welfare of the humans he' go through in his attempt to bring the Apocalypse.
And then Raphael's vessel had been turned to salt by Balthazar, and Castiel found himself fighting against a force without a leader or a rallying point except the destruction of humanity. The war had just become that much more dangerous, and though Castiel was grateful for Balthazar's assistance, at the same time he wished that cutting the head off of this particular snake didn't serve as temporary, and didn't make the snake more frantic and determined to accomplish its goal.
It wasn't until Castiel had left again that he allowed himself to think about Dean himself. The bond that Castiel realized could allow him to see Dean's emotions could be further manipulated to find the source of those emotions. He had sensed a lot of tiredness, made apparent by a deep muscle soreness that extended from the entirety of his palm to part of his lower arm. He concentrated on that feeling, now that he had some time; with Raphael gone and needing to find another vessel, the Raphelim – as Castiel had taken to calling them in his mind – would need time to organize and find their leader a new and suitable vessel before their goals continued.
It took a little bit of time, since Castiel was out of practice, but eventually, he found that Dean still suffered from dreams every night, even though he played at living a normal life and being content. Castiel didn't know the exact content, but he could guess well enough from the continued associated images of Hell, John, and Sam.
Oh, Dean… Castiel thought sadly. Such pain. He wished that he'd known sooner; but Dean had seemed happy, and Castiel had been too worried and absorbed in trying to make sure that Sam's sacrifice hadn't been in vain to really pay attention.
And now he had to go and prepare for Raphael's return, and to try and keep him under control as best he could. The fact that Castiel had a large following helped slightly, but still.
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It took him some time to find Dean, but after he'd been restored (though he didn't know how he'd been restored), he went to him to find Sam and Dean on the verge of being killed by Zachariah. It was little trouble to convince Zachariah to leave, but after he had, Castiel was informed of the situation, and what Dean's role truly entailed.
In order to stop the Apocalypse, Dean was to accept the archangel Michael into his mind and body. He was Michael's Sword.
Castiel was mildly shocked at himself when he found that initially, he thought that Dean should agree so that Lucifer could be eradicated more quickly. Lucifer apparently had been having trouble with his vessel. Castiel didn't know why that was, but he assumed he could find out easily enough.
A more pressing concern was keeping Dean (and Sam) safe from the angels, since Dean had refused to become Michael's vessel, a decision that Castiel had, when he thought about it, come to expect. Dean would never agree to something like that, not if there was any other way to stop Lucifer. It was not surprising that Dean had made the decision to refuse. What was surprising, however, was the feeling Castiel had as he thought about Dean. That warm, familiar feeling.
Was this the feeling associated with friendship? The warmth, the affection, the acceptance? Overall, it wasn't an unpleasant feeling.
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"What you're doing is wrong," Castiel said yet again. Zachariah and Raphael shook their heads slowly, both exhaling loudly.
"Castiel, we've asked you numerous times before to help us. You got your way before, with helping the Sword and the Spear and fighting against us to keep us from destroying the world. So if you won't do it our way, we'll pick a different way," Raphael said. "Lucifer will, if he is able, destroy the world without a second thought. In order to save the humans you so adore, the Sword allowing Michael in will make your efforts successful."
"There must be a different way," Castiel said. "If we can keep Lucifer from possessing his Spear, then we can defeat him without needing Dean to become Michael's vessel. Lucifer's power is blocked by the vessel he inhabits."
"Castiel, if you refuse us your assistance in this, we will take measures to make sure you cannot interfere by killing more of us," Zachariah said bluntly.
"Do it, then," Castiel said. "I have no wish to be an angel if this is how angels are."
The next thing Castiel knew, he was on Earth. He wondered why he was here, vaguely, and attempted to go back to Heaven. He was shocked and angered when he found that he couldn't. So they cut me off, he thought. Fine.
If the angels wouldn't help him stop Lucifer, then he would go to someone more powerful than the angels. He would go to his Father. It didn't matter where He was, Castiel refused to believe that his Father would abandon them. And as he found the Winchesters with Bobby, he knew how he would find God, too.
"An amulet," he said. "It burns hot in God's presence. It'll help me find him."
Dean had had the audacity to call Castiel's idea a pipe dream, and before Castiel knew what he was saying, he was advancing on Dean, telling him things that would intentionally hurt. "I killed two angels this week. My brothers. I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you, and you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world — and I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself."
There was silence following this statement, leaving Castiel to wonder why he'd said that. Ignoring the truth of it, he'd never felt the need to be so vicious before. Perhaps it was because God was literally Castiel's only hope now, since Dean would not accept Michael. It was odd to think that Castiel did not begrudge Dean his refusal of his role as Michael's Sword, but got as angry as he did when Dean was so dismissive of Castiel's plan when Dean had little to no plan of his own.
Perhaps that was why Castiel had said those things. Regardless, Dean had given him the amulet, so now he would go and find God. God existed; the angels were wrong, and Dean was wrong. He was there, and He could help. He had to be there. What sort of creator would create, and then leave those creations behind to deal with whatever problems surfaced on their own?
Not even human parents were that bad.
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God was proving extremely hard to find, even using a tool designed specifically to find Him. Castiel had searched in many places, and had had no success.
He had not been in India, though Castiel had certainly had an interesting time learning about the religion of Hinduism. It was many-faceted and complex, and held many different traditions and rituals and customs and even completely unassociated gods. And yet some gods were just two versions of the same god or goddess, but all the same, the belief in their existence was the reason that the Hindu pantheon outnumbered every other pantheon on Earth by at least five hundred thousand to one.
God had not been anywhere in the Central, South, or Far East, so Castiel had turned to the Middle East next; surely, if God would be anywhere; he would be in or near the Holy Land. And yet, though Castiel also received an education of sorts in the tenets of Islam and their view of God, God remained hidden from him. He was not even remotely present in Israel, the land of His people.
He was just starting to look in Africa when he realized that Dean was in trouble. Though some of his powers had been lost to him, the bond between him and Dean was not one of them. He flashed to Dean and took him away before Zachariah could carry through on his threats to coerce Dean into accepting Michael.
Angels were supposed to be pure and honest and perfect, above using such…human measures to achieve their goals. That Zachariah, an angel with a lot more clout than Castiel, would do something like that only cemented Castiel's conviction that he had been right to refuse to help them. How could angels claim to be better than humans when humans had never used the powers of Heaven to coerce a man into being a vessel, to try and change his will, when God had obviously had the intention of giving humanity free will?
And yet, Castiel had to wonder if there really was any other way to stop Lucifer than by Dean giving himself the power of the strongest archangel in opposition to Lucifer? Michael's usage of Dean surely would only last up until the goal of defeating Lucifer had been achieved, would it not?
Castiel knew how Dean was unwilling to allow someone he had no faith in into his mind and body, but there was a difference between faith and fact. The fact was that Michael needed his Sword in order to defeat Lucifer, and in order to keep Lucifer from possessing his Spear, Dean needed to make sure Lucifer didn't have the opportunity.
Yet Castiel had noticed that Dean wasn't with Sam when he'd been struggling against Zachariah. Which meant that for some reason, they'd separated. Sam was a lot more vulnerable on his own; Castiel knew that they had to be together, but if this was what they'd wanted, then he would help Dean. Dean was who he'd been assigned to, and though he cared for Sam, Dean was his obligation, his charge.
But still…Dean should do what it takes to save the world he fights so hard for; how is accepting Michael going against that? It's one thing to lack faith, but to ignore the obvious advantages of allowing the strongest of God's archangels…what is Dean's reasoning? Castiel didn't understand.
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"Anna, what is it you're doing here? How did you escape?" Castiel asked. He'd been attempting to get this information out of Anna since he'd discovered that she'd managed to escape her prison in Heaven. But she refused to tell him her plans, or even what she was doing. Whether that was because she was angry at Castiel (who'd only been following orders, even though he too was now rebelling) or because she didn't want Castiel to interfere in her plans, Castiel didn't know.
"There's something you're not telling me," he said finally.
Anna paused, contemplating, before she replied, "Sam Winchester has to die."
No. The force of the thought surprised Castiel, but he didn't let Anna see. He listened calmly to her explanation and brought up some valid arguments.
When she talked carelessly about scattering Sam's cells across the universe after killing him, that's when Castiel decided that he had to stop her. There had to be another way. He was still looking for God, but not even all of Africa had turned up anything. He planned to search South America next, but not if Anna was going to try and kill Sam.
"We've been through much together, but you come near Sam Winchester and I'll kill you," he said determinedly. Anna didn't reply, but a moment later she was gone. Cursing internally, Castiel called Dean. Once he had their location, it was simple to get to them. If only it were as simple to use all of his powers. But that was a worry for another time. Castiel would have to make do with what he had; there was no alternative.
When Castiel called the fire to find Anna and found where she had gone, he sighed, already making plans. "I've found her."
"Where?"
"Not where. When. It's 1978."
Anna was going to try and kill John and Mary Winchester, since she wouldn't be able to get to the Winchester brothers with Castiel in the way. He'd have to go after her. But then Dean and Sam demanded to go with him. And though he was loathe to give Anna more of an advantage, it probably would be more of an advantage to bring Sam and Dean with him; three of them against one of her.
It'd make him terribly weak, but he supposed that if he couldn't fight, then Sam and Dean would be able to take care of Anna without him. They're each other's biggest source of strength in every battle, even if they're also each other's most crippling weakness. With that knowledge in mind, Castiel agreed and flashed the three of them back to 1978.
He claimed he was feeling much better than he should have, but then he'd coughed , and red spots on the ground were the last thing he remembered seeing before he blacked out. He knows he was conscious for a short while, but then it was dark again.
After he'd recovered, he spent more time searching for God, thinking about how he'd turned out useless overall in the battle against Anna. He'd intended to be the one who stopped Anna, only to take Dean and Sam back in time and then pass out.
How was he supposed to prove how capable he was, prove that he could in fact find God and stop the apocalypse, when he couldn't even stay conscious after taking two people back in time?
He had to remind himself that, despite his failings, Dean still seemed to look to him for help, and still had high expectations of him, in addition to the faith that he could meet those expectations. That he had to continually disappoint Dean after being disconnected from Heaven notwithstanding, the faith that Dean had was enough for Castiel to have faith in himself. He would not let Dean down; if Dean would continue to fight and look for a way to avert the apocalypse – though in the end, Castiel would not be above making Dean accept Michael if no other option presented itself – then so would Castiel.
That determination, to keep fighting like Dean was, kept Castiel going through South and Central America, as well as all of the Pacific Islands in between the United States and the Philippines. He had just gotten to Alaska when he got a call from Dean about something that sounded very suspicious, even moreso because there seemed to be no demonic involvement.
Even though his search for God continued to be fruitless, he was determined to go to Dean, and got their location. As he talked to Dean, he found that his hand itched to touch the brand on Dean's arm, which gave him pause; never before had he felt that urge. It had usually been enough to know that it was there, as a mark of the lengths Castiel had been willing to go to help this man. But never had Castiel wanted to touch the mark.
He flashed to where they were, and the urge, instead of lessening in Dean's presence, only grew stronger, until Castiel had to clench his fists to keep from reaching out and touching it. "What is it?" he asked, more to distract himself than anything. As Sam described the mark they'd found on the hearts of two people who had killed each other, Castiel realized that the marks were indeed Enochian, and were the result of a Cupid.
He explained this to the Winchesters, thinking that maybe, since the couples were dying, that it was a Cupid who had gone rogue. Cupids are from a lower order of angels, the Cherubim, but generally they are content with their lot, playing divine matchmaker for those who they were told to or those whom they liked. That one had gone rogue, if that were true…it both relieved and worried Castiel, because it meant that other angels felt like he did, but it also meant that those angels weren't necessarily on his side, but on a side of their own.
But then they talked to the Cupid, and the Cupid said that it had no idea why the couples were killing each other. It said that the two people with the marks on their hearts were destined to be together, much like John and Mary Winchester. Dean had quickly become irritated at this, and punched the Cupid, though it was ineffectual.
They left the singles' bar they had found the Cupid at, but not before Castiel felt like his stomach had been punched in the gut by a powerful craving for a type of food his vessel called "cheeseburgers." As the Winchesters returned to their room, Castiel found the nearest cheeseburger stand, and proceeded to order no less than twenty burgers. It was the immense hunger he felt as he began eating the cheeseburgers and yet never got any less hungry that the idea came to him that it could be Famine. Dean and Sam had already gotten rid of War, but it was not improbable to guess that Famine had made his way here.
He ordered a few dozen more burgers before leaving the restaurant and beginning to find the Winchesters to explain. There was a bright flash of light that Castiel could sense even if he were the basest form of angel, one that only comes from a human soul. That confirmed his suspicion, and he followed where the flash had come from. Sam had opened a briefcase containing the soul, and Castiel explained about Famine while he ate more burgers.
"Can you find him?" Dean asked, and Castiel nodded, pleased that, even in the haze of Famine, he could do this to help Dean. Anything to help Dean continue fighting to find a way to save the world and keep his humanity intact. Castiel was quickly coming to realize that humanity was something well worth fighting for, and Dean was a shining example of humanity. Even as the natures of his human vessel overtook many of the thoughts of his angelic being, the influences of humans and of Earth were overwhelming and intoxicating, all at the same time.
In moderation, obviously, humanity and indulgences such as food and sex were beneficial. Castiel could feel the need to consume more red meat to satisfy his host slowly become higher in priority to other things. They needed to find and get rid of Famine's ring quickly.
Castiel searched, and found Famine easily; even to a weakened angel, a Horseman was practically a beacon of light and power. He took Dean after Sam had been chained to the sink to confront Famine. Once he entered the restaurant, he felt his consciousness almost entirely consumed with the need to feast on any red meat he could get his hands on.
He knew he was there for a reason, but there was a huge tub of hamburger nearby; Castiel could smell it. He needed to eat that red meat, it was slowly killing him, but he had to eat more. He was so hungry, he could barely stand it. More red meat, more cheeseburgers, more meat, more.
Somewhere inside of him, he fought frantically to stop eating, but the meat, though uncooked, was ambrosia to him, and he had to eat more, or he felt as though he would probably die. As he continued to engorge himself, he was vaguely aware that Dean and Famine were talking. At the thought of Dean's name, Castiel almost regained control, but then Famine started talking about hunger again, and something about how Dean didn't have any, and the thought of hunger brought it back full force. Castiel began to eat more of the tub of hamburger.
He noticed that Sam had shown up, and then he was eating. The tub was almost empty when the spell broke, and Castiel snapped to full awareness of himself and his nearly exploding stomach. He felt nauseous and dizzy and far too overfed, and it was as though his vessel had switched gears from taking as much in as possible and more to expending as much out as possible and more. He managed to gain control of himself long enough to gasp that he would be back momentarily, before flashing somewhere. He didn't know where, but that wasn't important. All that was important was getting this disgusting amount of red meat out of him before it killed his vessel. He'd much rather operate a living body than a dead one.
It took about two seconds of being on the verge of retching before it came to Castiel that he had still retained the power to heal himself. A snap of his fingers and the meat was gone, and Castiel felt much more in control. He flashed back to the motel room and found no one there. He called Dean and found that they were on their way to Bobby's; Dean intended to detoxify Sam from the demon blood he'd undoubtedly consumed, if he had the power to destroy the demons that Famine was attempting to consume.
He got to Bobby's a while before the Winchesters did, and took the time to rectify himself to the fact that he had failed Dean yet again, but this time by a weakness only too human. It hadn't changed his mind that human pleasures could be beneficial, but for the time being, he had little to no interest in indulging anything of the sort. If his vessel never ate a cheeseburger for the rest of eternity, it would still be too soon for Castiel to be able to consume one while in Jimmy's body.
But the distraction of humanity was not enough to keep Castiel from thinking about how he'd failed. He'd given up everything for Dean to try and help him, and while Dean could fight, Castiel steadily became weaker. Soon, he would be able to serve little to no purpose at all, becoming a more mobile version of Bobby.
He was imagining what it would be like to live in a wheelchair for an indeterminate amount of time before it came to him that Dean was walking through the door, escorting Sam to the panic room. Castiel followed them down, and knew that Sam hadn't had much demon blood. He thus felt comfortable enough reassuring Dean that Sam would detoxify quickly, and that he would be okay.
He didn't know whether he was proud or concerned that his hand either hadn't itched to touch Dean's brand or that it had and he'd been completely unaware of it. Dean had gone outside, but he was near enough that Castiel could sense the general flow of his emotions and, through them, his thoughts. He walked to the doorway and saw Dean looking up at the sky. He appeared to be praying.
The despair Dean must be feeling to feel like he had to ask for help from someone he didn't truly believe in struck Castiel hard, and only brought home the reminder that Dean felt this way because Castiel couldn't do more to help, because he'd been cut off from Heaven.
Castiel hated this feeling. He would give much to not have to feel it anymore.
DCDCDCDCDCDCDC
Castiel felt Dean's call, and flashed to where he thought it had come from; apparently, the bond between them could be manipulated to track Dean, even though the Enochian sigils that hid them from other angels worked on Castiel as well. But still, he flashed to Earth first, and then called Dean to find out where they were heading.
When they met up, Dean explained that Sam had been acting very strangely lately, and that no one could figure out the reason why. He explained the theories that they'd come up with, and Castiel found himself thinking about how tired Dean looked, how miserable. Clearly, Castiel's momentary visits hadn't been enough to keep the dreams at bay. He'd hoped that having Sam back would give Dean something else to focus on, but he supposed that the things he had experienced had become so integral to his poor, tortured psyche that nothing but constant relief would keep them at bay for long.
If Castiel couldn't be around that often to keep Dean's dreams tranquil, then he could help Dean in this way. He scanned Sam, and was shocked but not altogether unsurprised that Sam had no soul. Even though he still didn't know who had taken Sam's soul, once Sam said that their maternal grandfather had also been pulled up, Castiel took them to him.
The lead he posed was a dead end, especially considering that Samuel had a soul, even though Sam did not. As they were discussing looking for options, Castiel suddenly found that the Raphelim had formed a secondary objective. It only took a moment to garner their thoughts, since telepathy among angels was much more powerful, but also much easier to perform. They were planning to find Death, who still had his ring, even though the Four Horsemen's rings had been used to open the Pit in which Michael and Lucifer were.
Death had his, which meant that Death was one of the few beings with enough power to go to the Pit and survive the conflict between Michael and Lucifer in order to get his ring back. This meant that he could be persuaded (and some of the methods of persuasion Castiel found that people were thinking were particularly creative) to return to the Pit and get the other three rings that must still be there, unless Death was keeping them, in order to open the Pit and let Lucifer free.
Doing so would of course let Michael free, but the ensuing conflict would undoubtedly result in the originally intended apocalypse.
"I have to get back."
"You're leaving?" Castiel knew at the same time that his hope rose that Dean wasn't saying that out of affection, but because he wanted Castiel to continue helping him find a way to get Sam's soul back. That was just Dean, putting Sam's welfare above everyone else's. It was a part of Dean that Castiel had almost forgotten existed, since Sam had been out of Dean's life for a year, during which Castiel spent more time fighting Raphael than watching Dean.
"I'm in the middle of a civil war," Castiel said, well aware of Dean's nature, and disliking it more than he normally did. Surely Dean could have a little bit of compassion for what Castiel was going through. Fighting a war wasn't easy, even as the leader of Heaven. It took a lot of time and effort, and in order to preserve the world that Sam and Dean had sacrificed so much to protect, Castiel had to spend most of his time and effort fighting the war so that he could win.
"You better tear the attic up, find something to help Sam," Dean said next, and Castiel couldn't help but remark bitingly.
"Of course. Your problems always come first. I'll be in touch." And then he vanished with little fanfare. Searching for Death was even easier than searching for Famine had been, because Death was the most powerful of the Horsemen. When Castiel found Death, he was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown, eating something that Castiel didn't really care to find out about.
"Castiel," Death said in an unimpressed manner, taking a bite of rice and noodle. "What can I do for you?"
"Raphael and his followers are coming to find you," Castiel said without preamble. "They plan to use you to get the other Horsemen's rings and re-open the Pit to let Lucifer back out."
"Without the Spear, Lucifer can do little," Death replied unconcernedly.
"Perhaps you missed the part where I mentioned Raphael," Castiel said shortly. "The most powerful archangel in Heaven, apart from me now, is coming after you, with a number of powerful followers. Something tells me they're hardly concerned with whether or not Lucifer has his proper vessel. And I doubt Lucifer will care either."
"Even archangels can do little to me," Death said. "Trying to beat Death is like trying to talk to God Himself. Impossible, unless the target chooses to lose. And I will hardly choose to lose."
"Not even a Horseman can easily kill an angel," Castiel said impatiently. "Look, I came to warn you. What you do with that warning is none of my concern."
"That's a lie," Death said simply. "It is very much your concern, because without me in the way, only you will stand between Raphael and letting all of that power out of the Pit."
"Take heed of my warning and take steps to protect yourself, and I will help you find three new Horsemen," Castiel stated, and this made Death stop and blink at him slowly.
"Find a Horseman?" Death said. "All I have to do is give the rings to three unsuspecting people."
"But would you really do that?" Castiel asked knowingly. "You, who knows better than any just how important it is to have people in power who know how to do their duty to keep the natural order?"
"You have some nerve talking to me that way," Death said quietly.
"And you have nerve by treating the leader of Heaven so disrespectfully," Castiel shot back. "If you have your power taken from you, do not expect my help in getting it back. I gave you a fair warning, and if Raphael and his followers find out that you have the other three rings as well, then you may count your days as numbered."
Death contemplated Castiel for a while longer before finally saying, "Fine. I shall take your warning and be that much more careful. Not even I am completely invincible, just permanent. But I will spread the rings and find new Horsemen, new conduits for the power. I thank you for your warning."
"You and I both know you probably actually needed no warning," Castiel replied, "But your thanks is accepted, and my offer still stands. If you need assistance selecting worthy Horsemen, you may feel free to call on me."
Death nodded, and then added, "Just because I'm feeling magnanimous, I'll also tell you that Sam Winchester's soul is…damaged. I know Dean is looking for a way to get it back. I can do that, but it will cost you, and the danger to Sam will be incredibly great."
"Consider this a tentative consideration of your offer," Castiel said after a moment. "I don't know that it has occurred to Dean to come to you for help yet, and what he chooses to do is none of my concern."
"I would've expected more honesty from the leader of Heaven," Death said musingly. "But it is no matter. The offer is there, and if Dean accepts, I will consider it your acceptance as well. If it does come to pass, you will know my price soon enough."
Castiel nodded before flashing back up to Heaven, thinking, I really hope Dean knows what he would be getting into. For his sake, I hope that getting Sam's soul back would be worth it.
DCDCDCDCDCDCDC
Castiel lost much of the hope he had for humanity when he was told by Dean and Sam what Joshua had said.
He couldn't fathom it, nor did he want to. All the faith he'd placed in Dean, all the conviction he'd had that, no matter what, he'd been doing the right thing by his Father, he'd been fulfilling His Will, all of that was shattered.
He did something that he'd never even contemplated before; he cursed God. What good, what grace, what respect should be awarded a Father who created everything and then left it? Of what value was such an entity? What reasoning did Castiel have now to preserve a world created by someone who obviously meant it no good will?
He returned Dean's amulet; even the thought of it made him so angry and hurt he thought he may explode. It had no use to him now. Yet even in the midst of all of the mind- and soul-numbing betrayal he felt, he realized that the bond he'd forged with Dean, the connection they had, was all based on…Castiel didn't know now. He'd agreed to watch over Dean and be Dean's guide, believing that he had been selected and deemed the most worthy of carrying out his Father's Will.
God's Will and its implementation was Castiel's entire reason for existence; angels were nothing but soldiers of God. So if God had left, then what were the angels to serve? Castiel suddenly understood on a much deeper level the motivations the angels had. With no tangible evidence of their purpose, what else were angels to do but act like humans, but on a much grander scale? Angels couldn't serve God's Will if God had left and thus had no Will to implement, so they served their own interests.
Castiel didn't know where he was now, but it was noisy and full of people, so loud that Castiel could barely think. Grateful for the vibrancy and the distraction, Castiel sat to engage in his favorite pastime: human-watching.
As he watched, he could feel his thoughts calming down, the betrayal sinking lower and lower until it had cooled enough for Castiel to decide what he could do with it; leaving it to fester would only be counterproductive.
He thought, and he watched, and he thought, and he watched. Once he drank some water, and as he was walking back from the fountain, a child came up and hugged him suddenly. The shock outweighed the need to remove the child from his person, and for a moment Castiel could only stand stock-still.
This child, this human child, had come and shown Castiel affection, even though she undoubtedly had no idea who he was. Finally, he mustered the ability to say, "…Hello."
"Hi," the small girl said, stepping away from him, taking his hand instead. She studied it and said, "You're a good person. I just know you are. You seem very sad. You should try and be happy. It's a great world out there, if you know where to look."
"Amanda, sweetie, what are you doing?" The girl's mother, undoubtedly. Castiel couldn't respond as the mother gasped and gently scolded the child without any real heat. "You shouldn't act like that to people you've never met before," she said. "This nice man probably doesn't even know your name."
"You said my name, Mommy, so he does know now," the girl, Amanda, said sweetly. "Hello, mister, I'm Amanda. What's your name?"
"…Castiel," came the belated reply.
"It was nice to meet you, Castiel," Amanda said. She pronounced it Cas-teel. Castiel found that he didn't mind too horribly. "Remember, if you know where to look, you can find things to make you happy. I have to go now. Bye!" She let go of his hand and skipped off with her mother, who gave him an apologetic smile before turning and leading Amanda away.
Perhaps Amanda is right, Castiel thought. Perhaps there is still something to fight for. Regardless of whether or not God is real or whether God cares, the people here are real, and they are worth saving. This world they live in is worth protecting. Whether or not God is real or whether he cares, he left Earth to the humans, and I will do everything in my power to protect them for their own sakes.
He wondered if this was why Dean fought.
When Castiel found Dean, his anger clouded any rational arguments he could have had. That preacher had proved to be a real godsend, but Castiel was far too busy pummeling Dean to really savor the irony of it.
Castiel punched Dean again and again, furious. How dare Dean try and give himself up? Castiel gave up everything he was so that Dean would have a chance to fight. Who did Dean think he was? To ignore all that Castiel had done, all that Dean had said, all that the three of them had gone through, just because of…what? A lack of belief in his little brother?
And that made Castiel even angrier, though this reasoning he wouldn't tell Dean. But Castiel put a lot of faith in Dean, and after his little Amanda-inspired epiphany, that faith became placed in Dean for Dean's sake, and on Dean's merits. That Dean would jeopardize that, over a lack of the same faith in his brother, who had suffered himself? Granted, probably not to the same extent, but Castiel had learned not to underestimate the devastating effects of isolation on the surviving member of a codependent pair. That Dean would do that…the selfishness was astounding, and not at all redeemable to Castiel at this time. At this crucial junction, when they were so close to having it all out with Lucifer with the intent to win or die trying, that Dean would go behind everyone's back and just…give up?
That was not the man Castiel had come to know and feel deep affection for, and that was not the man Castiel had determined that he would help save the world on the side of the people.
Also, Castiel had been really annoyed when Dean had banished him. He may have punched him one time too many for that.
"I gave everything for you," he said lowly, holding a bloodied Dean up against a wall. "And this is what you give to me?" Dean pleaded something, and Castiel finally had had enough, and gave into the urge to touch Dean's brand, which had thus far been transmuted into a desire to punch Dean numerous times. Dean dropped immediately, unconscious.
Castiel threw one of Dean's arms over his shoulders, and flashed them back to Bobby's house.
"What the hell happened to him?" Sam asked upon seeing Castiel and Dean.
"Me," Castiel replied before laying Dean down and healing him. Now that he was fairly sure he'd gotten the point across to Dean, most of his anger had evaporated. What remained was determination and no small amount of pity. What was noticeably absent was regret.
Castiel fully believed that Dean deserved every punch. It was a remarkably human sentiment, one that Castiel didn't pay much attention to.
Something else that there wasn't much left of was faith. Castiel simply couldn't trust Dean to keep fighting anymore. He had to change his views and his convictions once again, but this time to an (apparently) much more deserving target: the people. Humans. Humans like Amanda. They deserved to be saved from angels who didn't care two figs for them. They deserved to have hope, they deserved to want to do better, to be better.
Castiel would give them that, and if Dean wasn't coming along for the ride voluntarily, Castiel would make sure that Dean came along for the ride. Dean owed Castiel this; Castiel would make sure Dean didn't forget.
DCDCDCDCDCDCDC
Castiel felt even more wounded than he ever had before.
That could be because he'd been horribly beaten by his time in Heaven after banishing himself and five other angels, or it could be because the act of banishing himself and five other angels had resulted in the nearly-complete stripping of his powers.
What purpose he could serve now was extremely limited by the loss of his already-dwindling powers. He still remembered the promise he had made to himself, the one promise he could still work to keep: help Dean. He knew that Dean had not agreed to being Michael's vessel, and the fact that he had went a long way towards restoring the faith that Castiel had had in him and that had been one of Castiel's grounding forces.
He called Dean from the hospital and relayed the news that he was now human, and also apologized for thinking that Dean would say yes. He did have good reason to believe so – like Dean's word – but still, he had been wrong in the end, and for that, he was sorry. Dean accepted his apology, and said that they had found the location of Pestilence and would be going to take care of him before going after Death.
That statement reinforced Castiel's faith in Dean, and he knew that, despite Dean's shortcomings and Castiel's doubts, Dean was worth every scrap of faith Castiel had ever placed in him. He didn't tell Dean as such, and hung up the phone already planning on how to get to Serenity Valley Convalescent Home. He would flash there, but then he got the bitter self-reminder that he was a human now.
But even as he thought that, he thought, Dean is only human, and he's still fighting. He said no, and he's still fighting. If he could fight, then so would Castiel.
He ended up taking a bus, an experience that was both highly educational and extremely terrifying. Castiel didn't think he'd be too keen on riding a bus in either the immediate or the very, very, very distant future.
He managed to get to the home in time to see Dean and Sam on the verge of death from Pestilence, who had created a wicked cocktail of illnesses. That Castiel wasn't immediately affected by all of the expended power in the hospital was enough proof that he still had a very miniscule amount of angel strength left; he was fairly sure that this resistance wouldn't last much longer, and once it had, he would be completely and entirely human.
As he cut off Pestilence's ring finger and began to cough up blood, he found that he could deal with being entirely human, with examples like Dean and Sam Winchester. He still may be largely useless as a team member, but he would fight still.
Yet even the notion that he was "only human" and thus largely useless was debunked by Bobby, who harshly reminded Castiel that Bobby was even less useful to them, since he was now a paraplegic. That gave Castiel a bit of perspective, and a bit of advice on how to live as a human. Even though he was a human now, and there were beings much better off than him, there were now billions of humans in a much, much worse situation.
At least Castiel could walk. At least he could read. At least he could speak coherently. At least he had a vast memory and phenomenal retention skills. At least he could still fight.
He felt it was thus necessary to share any remaining knowledge he had that his team-mates may not, and that turned out to include the knowledge that Adam had become Michael's vessel, since the Winchester bloodline, the bloodline of Cain and Abel, was Michael's Sword, though Dean had been the ideal vessel. Adam, being a blood relation, would suffice, and had sufficed.
At this point, there came a debate between Dean and Sam over Sam's role as the Spear. Sam wanted to say yes to Lucifer and then try and take control and throw Lucifer into the Pit, thus sacrificing himself to save the world. The self-sacrificial streak and martyring tendencies of the Winchesters were both an inspiration and an exasperation, but Castiel eventually agreed with Sam.
Sam, Castiel could see, had a lot of strength in him, both from being a Winchester and from being dealt a bad hand by destiny and choosing to use it to the best advantage he could. And honestly, with Michael on Earth and Lucifer's vessel deteriorating rapidly, Sam's plan really was the best plan they had.
Finally, Dean agreed, and Castiel could see very clearly for a split second just how much Dean was giving up to allow Sam to give up his life. For Dean, Sam was giving up his life, his mind, his body, his soul, his everything. For Sam, Dean was giving up a central part of his identity, a part of how he defined himself.
That two brothers were willing to give up so much for each other just because they're brothers was enough for Castiel to know that he had to do whatever it took to make their plan happen.
When Sam said yes and Lucifer took over, Castiel could feel it in his bones. He may be human, but he once had been an angel, and perhaps there was still something latent in him that was angelic; he may not have his Grace, but he was still an angel in mind, and that could do an awful lot.
Castiel knew that Dean would try and talk to Sam, try and get this plan to work out, even though it had just become a lot more dangerous, since Lucifer appeared to have taken control and beat Sam. But Castiel knew Dean, and Dean would undoubtedly try and reach for Sam in Sam's body, using the only way he knew: their brotherhood.
Castiel would help; he owed it to them. For showing him just how special humanity is, and for becoming his first and only "friends," Castiel would help them.
When he showed up with Bobby in Stull Cemetery, he could see that Michael was preparing to get rid of Dean so that he and Lucifer could have their showdown. While he regretted it slightly, he was much more willing to attack Adam than Sam; attacking Sam's body would put their already precarious situation even further in danger, and could even make Lucifer kill Sam.
So he yelled something, anything that would get everyone's attention, and threw a variant of something called a "Molotov cocktail" at Michael. It worked, and Adam/Michael disappeared in a puff of fire and smoke.
"Assbutt?" Dean asked, slightly incredulous. In that moment, Castiel realized just how profound an effect being around Dean Winchester had had on him. Castiel's rebellion against the angels, his slow assimilation into life on Earth; even now, aspects of his personality were influenced by Dean. Castiel had needed something, an insult to catch everyone off-guard, and so "assbutt" was the first thing that came to mind, a hybrid swearword/insult that Castiel invented right on the spot.
The realization made him smile internally, even as he shrugged. And then Lucifer snapped his fingers and Castiel knew no more.
Not much later – though Castiel didn't really know how much time had passed; non-existence really had a way of messing up one's internal clock – Castiel found himself on Earth once again. He flexed his hand and knew that he was an angel, perhaps even more than that. He instantly healed a bloodied Dean and resurrected Bobby.
Looking around, Castiel could not see Sam or Michael, and knew that either Michael had not come back, or that all four of them – Sam, Adam, Michael, and Lucifer – were all in the Pit.
But the apocalypse had been averted. Dean had accomplished his goal. Castiel had fulfilled the purpose he had agreed to thirty-one years ago. Now that Dean had played his ultimate role in stopping the apocalypse, Castiel knew that he had other worries to attend to now, namely Heaven. With Michael gone, the angels would need someone to keep order. Someone who was not bent on ending the world, someone who could teach them that humanity was worth protecting. Who better than an angel who had come to Earth, helped stop an apocalyptic battle foretold millennia in advance, fallen, and then been brought back by a force Castiel didn't even know?
Dean was a little less than excited at Castiel's announcement, and Castiel knew how much Dean must be suffering. He had lost his little brother. Castiel got a glimpse of what Sam had given up, and the effect it had on Dean, his little brother finally atoning for Dean's own mistake, and that glimpse left a permanent impression on Castiel. He would never leave Dean, not after seeing how broken the man truly was. He had been with Dean for thirty-one years, two of those spent in constant close contact with him.
Castiel felt for Dean. Perhaps it was love; Castiel had no prior experience, save the love he had for a Father he wasn't sure he believed in anymore. But the feeling he had for Dean was somewhat similar to that, so Castiel attributed it to the love a father had for his children, or a brother had for his brother. Castiel had become more human than most angels ever would, and he came to the conclusion that Dean was his human brother.
Dean was by no means perfect, but neither was Castiel. And the bond they'd formed, while nowhere near as profound as the bond between Dean and Sam since the day of Sam's birth, was still deep enough that Dean, though Castiel would never tell him, could rest with the knowledge that he had something like a brother in Heaven.
Castiel wanted to tell Dean all of these things, but he knew that Dean would never accept it, not from Castiel. He was too broken, a sword that had not been forged properly. He had been improperly molded and overly tempered. He had strength that no one should ever have to need, but that strength was flawed and impure, made that way by circumstances beyond Dean's control.
Castiel only hoped that Dean could find some modicum of solace in the woman's arms and heart. He would be more than willing to give Dean whatever comfort he could, but in order to preserve the world Dean and Sam had given so much for, he had to leave Earth and imprint the Winchester legacy on Heaven.
He didn't know if Dean would understand what Castiel was doing, but he didn't have to. Castiel managed to leave enough of the idea in Dean's head when he asked him a simple question before leaving for Heaven: "What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?"
DCDCDCDCDCDCDC
Castiel's head snapped up; this time, he'd been able to keep the Raphelim and their leader at bay long enough for him to get some sort of reprieve. So here he was, on Earth at night, watching his breath make swirls in the air. This time, even though Dean remained hidden and Castiel's practice with their bond was rusty, Dean said Castiel's name.
That was enough for Castiel to immediately find him. He found Dean sleeping fitfully, mostly unclothed and wrapped in the sheets of a bed. Dean was alone, and his chest and stomach shone in the moonlight. Castiel only absently noted his appreciation of Dean's physical appearance, though even then, it was only appreciation of the fact that Dean had kept himself healthy, instead of wallowing or letting himself go to seed. Such laziness or despondency wasn't who Dean was, and Castiel was pleased to see that, even now, Dean remained pleasant to look at.
A much more pressing concern, however, was the pained look on Dean's face, and the mutters that came intermittently: "Help…Sammy…no…Cas…please…somebody…god – help me…"
Castiel frowned and placed a finger on Dean's forehead, and was awarded a look directly into the stuff of nightmares for any normal person; for Dean Winchester, it was just another night. But it was still horrible.
It was an amalgamation of things, but Castiel could clearly see flames and chains meant to symbolize Hell. He could sense the fear, the shame, the loathing, the guilt, and the rage that came with thoughts of Hell, and Alastair, and Dean's role in the apocalypse. It pained Castiel deeply to know that Dean still crippled himself in some way over something that he had helped prevent, regardless of his role in its beginning.
He could also see someone being held in the chains. He didn't have to look very closely to see that it was Sam. Sam was strung up on hooks and being slowly burned by flames; Castiel could see his flesh blackening and charring, flaking off in progressively larger chunks as Alastair laughed darkly and Sam screamed. Castiel knew that Dean felt like he had put Sam there; if only he could make Dean realize and truly understand that Sam had chosen to go into the Pit, because he wanted Dean to be able to live the life he'd always wanted.
Dean had wanted a normal life for a very long time; it was something rarely discussed, but still something Dean yearned for. Sam knew just as much as anyone how little Dean cared for the hunter lifestyle, and he also knew how much Dean deserved a reprieve.
Surprisingly, Castiel found himself in Dean's dream, flitting around and trying to get Sam out of the chains, though his attempts were always unsuccessful. Castiel didn't know if this was a representation of Dean's perception that Castiel couldn't help Sam or an acknowledgment of all that Castiel had done, all that he had given up, to help the Winchesters, and yet he still couldn't save Sam. What Castiel didn't know was whether or not Dean held Castiel responsible for his inability to save Sam.
There were three people there that Castiel was also surprised to see: the woman (Dean's mind provided her name – Lisa), the woman's son (Ben), and John Winchester.
Lisa was chained up as well, and Ben was attached to her, and both were crying and bleeding. As far as Castiel could tell, they weren't being tortured, but they were slowly being driven mad by the fear of what could happen to them, exacerbated by what they could see Sam going through. Was this Dean's fear of hurting Lisa and Ben by being what he is and still attempting to live a normal life?
John was there, looking down on Dean with a mixture of love and disappointment in his eyes. Castiel had known that Dean had deep-seated issues with acceptance and approval, and knew that this man was the stem of many of those issues. He was looking at Dean as though he knew that Dean hadn't lasted half as long as John had in Hell, and yet it was as though he knew what Dean had done and loved him for it, because he had still tried to protect his little brother, which was the most important and primary mission that his father had given him.
There was one last being here, one that Castiel instinctively disliked, though they had never met personally: Azazel, the one who had first infected Sam with demon blood when he was a baby and set all of this into motion. Associated with Azazel was a hatred so deep and intense it was almost inhuman, almost demonic in its focus. Azazel was pulling some chains and tending the flames, but he too was on chains that went off into blackness, and he was being whipped from all directions. Despite the pain, he kept right on smiling this eerie, unsettling grin, yellow eyes glowing as he stoked the fire with a nine-headed cast-iron poker and yanked on chains that tore deep into Sam's flesh.
Castiel couldn't see where the chains went and where the whip was coming from, but he knew that Azazel had been acting on Lucifer's orders, and that Lucifer probably wasn't a feature of Dean's dreams because of his association with Sam and Dean's unwillingness to allow himself to attribute any negative qualities to his brother, not on top of all that Sam had gone through and done for Dean.
Castiel had seen enough, and he retreated from Dean's mind, opening his eyes and surprised to feel tears rushing from them. Through all the anger and hate and love was a bright thread of pain so strong and so deeply intertwined with everything that even being in close metaphysical proximity to it had made Castiel empathize and cry physical tears. His heart hurt for this man who had gone through so much and gained so little in return.
He knew that his decision had been correct, and that even though it was not a permanent solution, he could give Dean the rest he so deserved. Castiel placed his palm on Dean's forehead and watched as Dean slowly calmed and his breathing evened out.
"Dream sweet, Dean," Castiel said softly as he moved noiselessly away, sitting in a chair near the window. He sat like that for a long time, watching Dean and thinking.
The sun came up on Dean lying in bed alone, waking up covered in sweat. He looked around and down at himself, surprised to find himself feeling so calm. He knew that he had been dreaming, but somewhere in the course of the dream, he had felt a comforting presence and a power that seemed vaguely familiar, but remained just out of Dean's grasp. He could've sworn a voice told him to have sweet dreams or some such, but…it just wasn't coming.
Still, Dean felt…not good, not by a long shot, but…he felt okay for the time being. Like he would be able to get up and face this day without drowning in despair and grief over the loss of his Sammy. Sometimes, too, he thought about Cas, about what he was doing up there in Heaven, and what always surprised Dean was how much he missed the nerd angel.
Dean had had a lot of time to think about what Cas had done for him and Sammy, and a little bit more of the profundity of Castiel's sacrifices became apparent every day. Dean almost found himself wishing sometimes that Cas had remained human, just so that Dean wouldn't feel so alone in a world he'd never really lived in before.
But Cas had been miserable as a human, and Dean knew that. Cas deserved to be made an angel again, and despite Dean's loneliness, he was happy that Cas had had his Grace restored. He deserved it.
Dean looked at the sun rising, and said to the empty room, "Thanks, Cas."
~FIN~
A/N: And here it is, my first serious foray into fanfiction in months. I'm sorry that this is in a fandom completely unrelated to anything I've ever written before, but I recently discovered Supernatural, and now am a complete and total fanboy over it. I ship a number of pairings in it, some more popular (Wincest, Destiel), others a bit newer (Sassy), others purely for my own amusement (Crowley/Bobby). But this is my first fic, and the friend I wrote it for is a Destiel shipper, and she asked for it. It's sort of a late Christmas present. I like doing these; if anyone remembers, I wrote two last year for Christmas, one for my friend Will, the other for Kelsey. I find giftfics to be a lot of fun.
Anyway, yes, this is my first Supernatural fanfiction, my first Destiel, and the first fanfiction I've written that was based on a piece of fanart. If you copy/paste the link into your browser and remove the spaces and look at the strip, it really is something else; the artist is a true talent.
A few notes:
- The mission of Raphael and his followers regarding Death was my idea entirely, as far as I know; I've never seen it anywhere before, even in fanfiction or fan speculation.
- The term "Raphelim" is also completely original, to my knowledge. It's sort of a play on words for the angelic followers of Raphael.
- I just came up with the name 'the Spear' for Lucifer's true vessel, since Michael has his Sword. I don't know if Lucifer has his own weapon or anything like that, because the cursory research I did turned nothing up.
- Writing the conversation between Castiel and Death was the most fun I've had writing dialogue in a long time. xD
- Since this is my first fic, I'm sure I got some aspects of characterization wrong, especially since about 99% of the fic is from Castiel's point of view before I suddenly switched over to Dean. I feel like Dean wouldn't be quite so pragmatic, but hey; it's MY story, I DO WOT I WANT. ;P
- It is a bit longish, but Elana asked for at least 10,000 words, so I went ahead and did 13,000+ More is more, am I right?
- This fanfiction contains a lot of my own perceptions, filtered through Castiel. If you'd like to discuss some of the points I made, you're more than welcome to PM me here or follow me on Tumblr: http : / impaladeen .tumblr .com /
Enjoy!
~ Besh