ASYLUM PATIENT APPROVED!

Interviewers: Linkin, Demon

Interviewees: Yuuki, Yori

My Boss: Mr. Ticsman

Thanks to: Demon and Dayfeathers

Dust trails stalk me as I dash to Cross Academy. "ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I call as big chibi hearts take over my eyes. On the serious side, I CANNOT FUCKING SEE! AHH!

"Stop running!" Demon pants, carrying a harpoon launcher I believe. How should I know? Maybe she changed from a harpoon launcher to a RPG at the last bus stop before I was reminded that Zero goes here. "Linkin!"

As predicted about a second ago, I crash into something hard. Blood gushes out of my nose as I fall backward and onto the concrete, the chibi hearts snapping in half and falling out. The world swirls around before Demon hoists me up onto my feet again. She slaps me just as hard as the last time when I dozed out in front of that café. "OW!"

She shakes my shoulder, making my vision slowly turn red. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN!" she orders. "WE ARE ENTERING A WAR ZONE!" I believe she is referring to those rabid fangirls that might as well replace Angry Birds. "Now…" Demon blows a whistle. "ATTENTION!"

"YES SIR!" I stiffen instantly, saluting.

"At ease!" she nods curtly. I relax by falling backwards due to light headedness. "Not that much ease!" When I refuse to get up, she sighs and starts dragging me.

The worst part is the exaggerated stair case to even get to the campus. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" I scream as she drags me up.

Demon only whistles as I go through Hell getting up this stair case. My head is throbbing by the time we reach the top. That, and I am pretty sure I have a major concussion. "Hello!" Demon calls. "Yuuki and Yori! Linkin is here to interview you~" We stop for a while. As I clutch my head, praying that it does not explode, she taps her foot against the ground impatiently. It gets so bad her face turns so red. "YO! YUUKI AND YORI! KANAME IS NUDE!"

"WHAT?!" Yuuki speeds up. Sick pervert…"Huh? Kaname isn't even here!"

My pal giggles mischievously and her face grows dark, the smile sadistic. "Of course not you slut~ Now let's get to the interview, shall we?"

Poor Yuuki blinks like a deer in headlights. "W-What?" she stammers.

"Oh nothing~" Demon rocks back and forth innocently. "Now, where's Yori?" Yori herself walks up. "Oh, hello~!"

Yori blinks at me for the most part. "…Why does your friend look like she was rammed down by an airplane?" she asks.

I shoot up, holding one hand up in the air as if to say 'eureka'. "We ask the questions, m' fair lady!" I declare in some crappy English accent. Hmm, maybe I should get some lessons from Ciel…Or Sebastian. I mean…Glancing at Demon, my mind automatically shoves itself to the 'Ciel' option. No way in Hell am I risking my life for an accent! "Okay, let's heave-ho to the classroom so we don't have to stay here in enemy territory."

"Enemy…" Yuuki and Yori tilt their heads to the side. When Demon and I direct to the swarm of fangirls currently racing to our location with text-books raised up high, they grab us and high-tail it out of here.

FML

In the classroom, we sit Yuuki and Yori on other side of the teacher's desk as Demon and I are squished into the tiny chair they provide for said teacher. Jeez, what happens when you get Rosie O' Donnell as a teacher and she has to sit in this tiny thing? Seriously, nobody of any size, large or small, can fit into this chair people. Well, maybe it is just the fact that two girls are sitting in a one-person chair…Nah! I struggle to get the folder out of from behind me-smooth move Linkin-and eventually slam it onto the table. This thing might as well be a gavel for all the treatment it gets.

"Okay!" I huff. "Now it's question time~ Let's see, eight of these questions are from Demon…" She smiles proudly. "The other two are from me. Also, just so we go without incident, does anyone have potato salad?"

The interviewees stare at me like I am crazy. Accepting fact before I rip their heads off from doing the same damn thing I hate, both Yuuki and Yori shake their heads. Demon, for one, is thinking. "Hmm…Does this pipping hot rice porridge count?"

My eyes bug out of my skull. "Wait wh-" A pleasant scent wafts into the air. "Mmm~ I smell bacon!"

Yuuki blinks. "Um…That's your…" she fades. Instead, she points to my hand.

Oh. My hand. Not a big deal…WHAT?! "OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" I jump up and race around. "HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT! FUCKING HOT!"

Demon chuckles menacingly and smiles that demonic one that I swear she got from sucking on Sebastian's mouth every time we see him. That action itself probably rubbed off some expressions. "I started practicing telepathy you know, seeing as you know me so well~" You know, these interviews do not go without incident. Seriously, if that happens, I am shooting someone, I swear it!"Aw, shooting a sheep is mean!"…Okay, so her telepathy is slightly off. (On a side note: I really hope she doesn't still think I'm stalking her…OH THE HORROR!)

I sigh and stomp back to the chair, sitting in Demon's lap seeing as she is now taking up the whole chair. It is extremely unfair that this chair can only fit one asylum patient comfortably! "One, I do not plan to ask Sebastian for lessons," I define. "Two, let's get this started because I swear we are spending more time on these things being ridiculous instead of asking questions while being ridiculous."

"Okay~" she sings as she shoves me off.

"OOMPH!"

Demon then hauls me up again, making my head spin, and makes sure I stand upright next to the chair. A cat suddenly pounces in her lap and she strokes it like one of those villains in movies. May I take that as to we are starting? I guess so because she glances at the folder. "Question one!" she chucks the poor cat to the side. The creepy part is that all it does is evaporate into mist. Demon…WAY too many demon spell books…"Let's see…" She slams her hands onto the surface of the desk. "CHOOSE ONE ALREADY, YUUKI!"

Yuuki looks even more traumatized than she has been. Poor victim of our insanity…NOT. I let out a low chuckle at this. "H-Huh?" Yuuki blinks.

My pal shines some lamp in Yuuki's face. Seriously, where is all this stuff coming from? "Fess up! We fans want to know who you pick! Kaname or Zero! Choose…CHOOSE DAMN YOU!"

"DID YOU HAVE SUGAR OR SOMETHING?!" I choke out.

She blinks at me before dropping the lamp and breaking the light bulb. Last time I checked that was not a bright idea…Oh well, nothing's on fire yet! "Do Apple Jacks count?"

"YES."

"Then yeah. Sue me." Demon grabs the back of my shirt when I move to walk out. "Not really, Linkin!" I shrug innocently, bashing my eyes, before she returns her attention to Yuuki. "So yeah, which one?"

Yori pats Yuuki's back as her friend stammers nonsense. A thick gulp rakes down her throat. Yuuki fusses with the collar of her shirt. "I-I don't know?" her voice breaks.

'Is a whore' goes onto the paper by yours truly. "Okay Yori, question two is for you." She nods in understanding. "Have you seen a tall, sexy, demon-butler man?" All she does is shake her head. "Got cha'." I write that down and turn to Yuuki. "Question three, and these are asked by Demon so at least credit her for sending you to the therapist office," I jab a finger at Demon. She holds up a peace-sign, as if she thinks that is an accomplishment. Nervous still, Yuuki nods. "Question three, would you let Demon rape her Sebby?"

The Disciplinary Committee member blinks. She opens her mouth before I shove a picture of said demon-butler in her face. "No!" she gasps. "Just no! I mean, look at the age difference for one!"

"How old is Kaname now?" Demon mumbles as she looks through a book of Demon Curses. I snatch it away, however. "Hey!" I just scribble down 'I want to die' below that question and cross it out. Handing the folder to Demon, she accepts it and turns to Yori. "Same question~" she sings. Yori shakes her head. "Meanies…" Demon slips into the depression corner with the folder. I try to retrieve it, but that miasma crap starts to eat me. Now…

DO YOU THINK I AM FUCKING JOKING?!

FML

"Hehe, sorry about that," Demon waves her hand in that 'let's just drop it' sort of way.

I, however, glare as my arm is in a puffy cast and my eye is under bandages. For Christ's sake, I turned into Ciel! Well, a more banged up version, yes, but still! With my remaining hand, I grab the pencil and lean closer to the desk. "Yori, question five: on a scale of one to ten, how ridiculous do I look?"

Demon understands that this is my question to her, not one of the four she submitted. Yori giggles a little and whispers, "Is it bad to say six?" 'Bitch' goes under that question along with the number.

Sliding the pencil over, question six is now on the table. "If you had to choose between Zero and Linkin, who would you choose?" Demon points the chewed eraser of my pencil.

Yuuki simply shrugs. "I guess it depends on the situation," she mumbles.

"No, no, no," Demon shakes her head wildly. "As friends, think of it like that."

"Oh, then Zero."

Now it is my turn in the corner of woe. "I sure feel the hatred…" I moan. Streams of cartoon tears fall onto the ground.

Demon laughs nervously. "Linkin…hehe…" Silence. Something is shaken and I suddenly smell freshly baked cookies. "You get cookies if you get out of that-"

"COOKIES!" I tackle her, snatching the bag and scarfing down the delicious treat. "Yummy~"

Yori seems confused. This is confirmed when she motions to my arm cast. "Isn't that arm broken?" she questions.

"Yes, but it magically healed for the pureness of cookie fluff~" I hum, nomming on yet another pastry. The matter is quickly dropped and we go back to interrogating the two Cross Academy students. "So," I sit back down in the chair, leaning towards the folder again. "Let's see…On a scale of one to ten, should Demon be allowed to rape Sebastian?" She draws a zero in the air. "Ah." 'I want to die with my bestest friend, Yuuki, who signed her death warrant a few questions ago'.

Grumbling, Demon snatches the folder. "Okay Yori," she faces her. "Linkin or Yuuki?"

"Yuuki of course," Yori states. She jumps when my head collides with the surface of the desk. Where is Zero with Bloody Rose when you need it?

Demon then turns to Yuuki. "Second to last question!" she informs cheerfully. "If you were Linkin, would you let me rape Sebby-kun~?"

This makes Yuuki think for a bit. Maybe she is trying to tap into my mindset? HA! Impossible, for my mindset is my mindset, not some whore's. "Probably," she shrugs.

The grin on Demon's face makes me run for the door. "Oh really?" she coons. Okay, I just know she's thinking about using a brain swapper! "Hey! Don't leave!"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" I shriek.

"Uh-um, rate this review!"

"Three out of ten."

"Ugh, really? You're a bitch Yuuki…"

"HUH?"

"WAIT UP LINKIN!"

Like at first, I leave dust trails as I pass Zero and Kaname for the enterance. "…Wasn't that…?" Kaname wonders.

"Linkin Ann Oddball," Zero answers simply. This makes me alter course and run back to tackle him. "ACK!"

"Zero~" I sing.

Demon catches up, trying to pry me off of Zero. "NO WAY MISSY!" she hisses. "You don't get to rape Zero if I can't rape Sebastian!"

"WHAT?!" Zero panics.

Yuuki and Yori run up. They glance at each other and sigh. "Oh boy…"

FML

"A RESTRAINING ORDER?!" I choke. "B-B-Bu-But!"

"No buts," Mr. Ticsman waves the order under my nose. "Now, get ready for some excitement…" When I dart to the far edge of the room, covering all of those parts, he flushes crimson. It honestly could be either embarrassment or rage. "I DID NOT MEAN THAT MISS ODDBALL!" Correction: it's rage. Pure, demon-Demon rage. He takes a deep breath before calming down. "Now…You're next assignment is L and Light from Death Note."

This makes me slump in relief. "I shall send out the ad then~" I skip out, being met with a chainsaw soon enough. "Eh?"

A dark, demonic figure glares at me. "WHAT ABOUT US?"

Glancing behind the demon I know well as Ann Siam, I can see some other people of mine as well. "Ugh, I can't keep using you people if you slack off here!" I proceed to push them out. "NOW GO YOU MOTHER-"

"Oh, did I mention a new employee?" Mr. Ticsman calls.

This perks my interest. Ann slams my face into the ground though. "Oh really, who?"

The front door opens and someone yawns. "Reportin' for…Hey Linkin, it's you!" Ah fuck me.

Leave your questions for L and Light in your reviews. They shall be much appreciated.