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Author's note:
I don't really know where this came from. And I guess you could call it my little retaliation to this episode 50 thing, but that's not what I meant it to be. Long before Sorato was official the song inspired me, and they fit. I don't really consider this a songfic, but maybe it is technically. I must warn you it's kind of weird, and not very grounded. You can place it in whatever setting you want, and whatever time you feel comfortable with. I left it open to interpretation. Hope you like it.~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~
Loving her could be so easy. Is so easy. But am I truly happy with her? It's a question that has plagued me every day for the past three years. And in my heart I know the answer. So does she. I can see it in her eyes; deep within every loving glance she casts my way. Within each tender smile. When we're making love. She knows. And she should. It's part of her.
I tried for so long. I made wrong decisions, pushed him away. But I can't drown out these feelings with talk of principle and normalcy. I can't hide behind this projected veil of contentment any longer. What started out an itching annoyance has grown into an all-consuming pain. Whenever I see him, and God that's everyday, he tightens the shackles around my heart. Not with actions, or even words. It's the way he radiates a steady flowing stream of sorrow. His melancholy smiles, his wistful expressions. And when our eyes chance to meet I am brought close to tears. His longing seems to materialize into a tangible physical being. One that hangs forever by his side, a second shadow comprised of heartache. I can't deny it anymore, him anymore. I refuse to watch him waste away. Why should I? For who? This is my life and I've decided it's time to live it my way. With who I love. Unconditionally, eternally.
But I do love her. And I always will. That is why I've invited her here tonight. Why I could never betray her, and why I have to tell her. In my way, with my words.
"Where are we going?" she whispers, a sweetness like sugar fluttering out with every syllable. A fleeting doubt, before I remember. Oh, but he is so much sweeter.
I answer her, a simple reply. "Nowhere." And I can read the confusion on her delicate face. She allows her eyes to soak in my figure and she studies her own. Why, she is wondering are we both dressed up then. I in my favorite suit, so dark blue it's nearly black. Her in my favorite dress, I asked her to wear it. A rather elegant strappy little thing I bought for her last Christmas. I hope she keeps it. She's most beautiful in it. I move toward her, drawing her close.
"Because I want to never forget this evening, and everything it means. I thought it appropriate we look our best."
A statement I realize that could convey multiple meanings. But I know she will understand. And I am right. The flash of apprehension, of fear and knowing making it painfully clear. For a moment I am saddened. The hardest thing I've ever had to do, the best thing, the right thing. She never speaks as I pull her into a tighter embrace and begin to sway along to the silence of the room. She smells wonderful, but again that too pales in comparison to the aroma that permeates his flesh. This is right.
Her mouth opens, she chokes. "Yama..."
Cradling her face gently I shake my head, a smile playing lightly on my lips. I softly kiss her forehead and prepare myself.
"Just listen," I murmur, resting my cheek against hers, my lips close to her ear.
Now, I have never been good with openly expressing certain emotions. But there has always been one way, and that is how I have chosen to end this with her. In the deepest way I can, with one of the only things I'm passionate about. Besides him of course. I clear my throat and begin to sing. My voice the only sound in the room. Floating melodiously, and filling every corner. Seemingly reverberating off every single particle of air.
"Now while the beat is slow..." A beat that although exists solely in my mind, she hears too. In her soul.
"Here in your arms I sway..."
"Now that the light is low....there's something I want to say."
She is already crying. Pressing herself flush against my chest. Her tears slowly seeping through the fabric on my shoulder. She sniffles as we sway clutching at my back. Moisture trickles down my face. And now so am I. Nevertheless I continue.
"I guess you've known it for awhile.....but I mean trouble."
"I only want to see you smile...."
Feather light are the kisses she places on my neck. I push her slightly away. She can't deny me this.
"And I burst this bubble.....the hardest thing is to let go."
Her lip quivers as she stares at me with ruby eyes. They glisten and brim with salty sadness. I know in time she'll understand.
"When love is real....like a flower loves a bee."
This is right. Her hurt will fade with time. But if I stayed his would grow. And mine.
"But I know you're meant.....to give yourself.....to someone else. Not me."
The dam bursts, and she sobs. If there was any doubt, it's been thoroughly banished. I love her. But God, I am so in love with him.
"And I could carry on with you...."
It would be so easy.
"Does that sound crazy?"
It would make so much more sense.
"I think you feel the same way too...."
Unfortunately, love so very rarely makes sense.
"And you can't face it..."
It's taken me this long. How can I expect it of her so soon?
"The hardest thing.....is to let go."
She sags once more into my arms, crying anew. This is so hard. My head lowers closer to her. The hair tucked neatly behind her ear trembling with each exhalation I make. She trembles with it.
"But it's not defeat...."
I am practically holding her up. I know she can be stronger than this.
"When you set somebody free...."
Her shaking gradually subsides.
"And I know you're meant....to be yourself.....with someone else. Not me."
She removes her weight from me and straightens up. I carefully stroke her reddened cheeks. Brushing away drying tears. Her eyes meet mine.
"Can you let go?"
Her head tilts down. Was that a nod?
"Coz that's love that's real.....like a flower loves a bee."
I lift her chin, making her look at me once more.
"And you know you're meant.....to give yourself.....to someone else. Not me."
An awareness is shining in her eyes. And it swells as the screen of disbelief is lifted. I sense a mutuality between us.
"Somebody else not me."
My voice drops an octave. A few decibels.
"Meant for somebody else not me."
A couple more. She wipes her eyes.
"Somebody else not me."
And she smiles. Barely. But it's there. I whisper.
"Meant for somebody else not me."
She touches my face. Traces my lips with her thumb. Steps back, sniffling again. And she's gone. I smile, cause now I'm free. I breathe.
"Somebody else.....not you......"
I did love her.
But I love him.
I always have. I always will.
Forever Taichi.
~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~
I told you it was weird. I don't even quite know what to make of it. I wrote it while listening to the song so it had a lot of feeling to me. I'm not sure what it made you guys feel, hopefully something. Ahh who knows. And possibly sometime in the future there may be a sequel. In the same style of course. I use that possibly very lightly however. Anyway, let me know what you think, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Oh and as for my other story for those of you that are reading it. I'm working away at it, I haven't given it up. And I'll try really hard to post it soon. C-ya.