Sorry to Cardcaptors haters...
These skits are written with character names as Cardcaptors name. I mean in the skits, Eriol Hiiragizawa is referred to as Eli Moon, Nakuru Akizuki as Ruby Moon, and Spinel Sun as Spinner or Spinny.
Preface
These skits are the made-up short talks, which supposedly really happened in Eli Moon's (Eriol Hiiragizawa's) mansion with his guardians. You know, Eli Moon is Sakura's classmate but has the memory of his previous life as Clow Reed. So he is a kid in appearance but is grown-up in mind. By such concept, I made up hilarious skits, so enjoy.
Moon Family #1
by Yuki Neco
1. Sexual Harassment?
Eli: Hey, Ruby, where did you get that clothes?
Ruby: Heh heh heh, I went all out and bought it.
Eli: Well, I know you like to spend money on those outfits... but it looks good on you, you look very cute.
Ruby: Ughhh...
Eli: What's the matter, Ruby? Did I say something?
Ruby: This looks good on me, you said and I'm glad, but the following words are kind of problematic...
Eli: I just said you were cute.
Ruby: Being cute has something to do with the competence as a guardian? Don't you call it a sexual harassment?
Spinny: She just learned something weird outside again?
Eli: That's what you said, but you're not a woman, and you yourself always say you're cute, don't you?
Ruby: I'm allowed to say that, and you're not.
Spinny: You're trying to turn us upside down again?
Eli: Sexual harassment to my own guardian—what good would it do?
Ruby: I was just scared when your glasses just glimmered in this dark room. Looked like you had some plots.
2. Fortuneteller
Ruby: Eli, I saw you in my school today, surrounded by girls. What were you doing?
Eli: You saw me? I happened to tell a girl her fortune in your school the other day, and seems like she started the rumor that I was a good fortuneteller. So I was busy with palm-reading today.
Spinny: Wait a minute. You're a good fortuneteller, but you aren't a palm-reader, Eli.
Eli: Just a pretext; I just used the fortunetelling to feel high school girls' delicate hands. Humph, as a matter of fact, I should've made up tit-reading instead.
3. Layla the Conqueror
Layla: So all the Cards have been transformed into Star Cards. But if I were the one who broke the seal, I might have been the mistress.
Eli: But your power is ruled only by the moon.
Layla: My power was strong enough for me to handle the Maze Card without difficulties, so I guess I could master the power of the sun in the course of captures. It's just the feeling.
Eli: Just the feeling, huh? Then it's possible. But could you handle the Final Judgement?
Layla: All I have to do is to use the Guardian Beast's Cards, so have the Earth Card trap Yue, and have the Firey Card roast him into meunière.
Eli: Exactly! But you're not what you seem. How can you be so cruel to the boy Julian you've once talked with?
Layla: No matter how badly he gets injured, he'd recover when the Judgement is over, wouldn't he?
Eli: You knew it. Anyway, if you were the mistress of the Cards, what would you want to do?
Layla: Hmmm, it's obvious, I'd conquer the world...
Eli: I thank God that you're not the one.
4. Wizard Kid
Ruby: Eli, I saw you in my school crowded around by girls! What were you doing?
Eli: Huh, you saw me, Ruby?
Spinny: Were you doing tit-reading again, Eli?
Eli: Hey, Spinner, watch your mouth. You're rude!
Spinny: What else could you be doing?
Eli: When I kind of happened to be walking in Ruby's school, this girl pointed at me and said that I looked like Harry Potter. And just in a moment, I found myself crowded around by those girls. So, here's the souvenir.
Ruby: Yay! So many chocolates! Let's share them, Spinny.
Spinny: No, thanks!
Ruby: [Singing] Eating too many chocolates makes me feel sick!
Spinny: Come on. Take them away from my sight before singing that stupid song.
Ruby: Ooh, they're good and sweet. But how lucky I am! Thank you, Eli, I owe you!
Eli: I see you're happy with the sweets, but I'm unhappy cause they mistook me with that minor little wizard kid.
5. Guardians of the Cards
Ruby: Eli, this is what I've been wondering about these days, but...
Eli: Hmm, what is it?
Ruby: You know, Yue and Keroberos are the guardians of the Clow Cards, right? Then, what about me and Spinny?
Eli: That's clear. You are the guardians of... what was it? I don't quite remember.
Ruby: Hey, Eli, come on!
Eli: Come to think of it, I've never created magic cards or anything in this life of mine. So what are you supposed to be guarding?
Ruby: Come on! That's what I'm asking you, Eli!
Eli: Anyway, how about guarding those Pokémon Cards?
Ruby: Eli... ::sob sob::
6. Magic Mirror
Eli: Hmm, easier than I thought.
Spinny: What is it, Eli?
Eli: OK, here's a mirror, it's interesting.
See, a mirror is not just a tool to peep in Sakura's house.
Spinny: Eli, you should at least have said that a mirror is not just a tool to reflect your face...
Ruby: Hi, Eli, Spinny, what are you guys doing?
Spinny: Eli is going to do something interesting with this mirror.
Ruby: What is it? What is it?
Eli: Now, a fairy tale just comes true.
Eli casts a spell on the mirror, which glows mysteriously.
Eli: Mirror, mirror upon the wall, who is the most powerful sorcerer of all?
Mirror: O Eli, thou art the most powerful of all.
Ruby: Amazing! It answered him!
Then, who's the most energetic of all?
Mirror: Thou, O Lady Ruby Moon, art the most energetic of all.
Ruby: Incredible! It answers the different question!
Well, who's the most cynical of all?
Mirror: O Lady Ruby Moon, Spinner is the most cynical of all.
Ruby: Hahaha! It's you, Spinny, the cynical of all!
Spinny: I don't like it! Does it speak what you have in your mind, Eli?
Eli: Yeah, that's the trick.
Ruby: What else should I ask? I know. I've got difficult math homework. What do you get when you factorize x4 + 1?
Mirror: Thou shalt do thy own homework thy self.
Ruby: Aw, it begins sounding like Eli, meanie.
Spinny: I already mentioned it.
Eli: You...
Ruby: Uhh, who's the most innocent of all?
Mirror: O Lady Ruby, the most innocent of all is Sakura Avalon. [Chuckles]
Ruby: It's Eli himself.
Spinny: The way it chuckles.
7. Flying Broom
Ruby: I want to fly.
Eli: Why don't you turn back into your Celestial form and use your wings? You've got elegant butterfly wings.
Ruby: I mean, I want a flying broom stick. Kiki I saw in the movie was really cute.
Spinny: You're easy to affect...
Ruby: But, do you want to fly on a broom, too, Eli?
Eli: No, I don't. I can't stand anybody calling me Harry Potter.
Ruby: Well, OK. Come here, Spinny, I just need you to start a delivery service.
Spinny: Hey, am I supposed to be Jiji?
8. Another Deck of Cards
Ruby: Hey, Eli, won't you create another deck of cards in this life of yours?
Spinny: Eli Cards, you mean?
Eli: Hmm, no, I won't.
Ruby: Are you sure?
Eli: If I created another cards, I'd have to reincarnate to take care of the new master of the cards.
Spinny: Conversely, if you'd like to reincarnate, you'd create the cards for a convincible reason.
Ruby: Heh heh, you may be right, Spinny.
Eli: Hmm...
Ruby: By the way, Clow Reed's spirit was divided into two, and one was reborn in Japan as Sakura's dad, and the other in England as you, right? So does that mean, you chose where to reincarnate with an intention?
Eli: Yeah, I had to be born in Japan at least, because the new master of the cards was to be born in Japan.
Spinny: Then, if you stupidly create another deck, you've got to reincarnate in the same manner.
Ruby: So, Eli, if you reincarnate to be a transfer student coming from Haiti in your next life, then the Clow Cards' counterpart will be the mixture of eatern magic, western magic, and...
Spinny: Voodoo curse.
Ruby: That's right!
Spinny: How about this? If the chosen Cardcaptor doesn't defeat the judge at the final judgment, all the people involved in the cards' magic would end up...
Ruby: Turning into zombies! Ha ha ha.
Eli: Hey, you two. Don't keep being that ridiculous.
Zombies... Hmm... sounds interesting...
9. CCS Confessional
Eli: Hi, everyone. Today's Moon Family is in Reedington Church. I'm working as a confessor to listen to CCS characters confess their respective sins. It's a sacred job, and I'm really proud of it.
Ruby: Eli, I doubt if you really have what it takes to listen to someone eles's confession.
Spinny: She's right. I haven't seen as evil a priest as you are.
Eli: Hmph! Say what you like... Shhh! Someone's here now.
Sakura comes into the confessional, but she can't see who the confessor is, beyond the thin wall in front.
Sakura: Father, I am a bad girl...
Eli: Oh, little girl, prey and confess.
Sakura: I did a bad thing. When I opened the refrigerator, I found jell-Os inside that my dad made for me and my brother Tori. I took one of them—it tasted pretty good 'cuz my dad is a good cook, so...
Eli: So?
Sakura: I... extended my arm and reached the rest. I ate Tori's portion! God, please forgive me!
Eli: Don't worry, girl. You're not as sinful as you think you are. Nobody can deny your appetite, nobody can live without bread. God will forgive you for you honest confession from your heart.
Sakura: Thank you, priest.
Sakura feels a relief and walks out. The next one who came in is Zachary.
Zachary: Oh, how sinful I am. All I have in my mind now is regret.
Eli: What happened to you, my son? Prey and confess.
Zachary: I got my precious friend in trouble. Too bad of me, but I opened Mr. Terada's bag in the staff room, and found a Playboy in it. I was fascinated by those photos of foxy women, so I took it.
Eli: You mean you stole something in someone else's possession?
Zachary: Yes, priest. I didn't mean it, but I stupidly put that magazine in Eli's, my precious friend's desk, just to evade the sense of guilt. Unfortunately, Mr. Terada found it later. That's why Eli had to be summoned by Mr. Terada, oh... he must have suffered a terrible punishment.
Eli: Grr... you were the goddamn jerk who did that!
Ruby: Come on, Eli. Calm down.
Spinny: Don't forget, you're on a sacred job.
Zachary: Uh, priest? Did I say something wrong?
Eli: N-nothing. Uh... God will forgive you for your honest confession. And... your friend will also forgive you... sometime...
After Zachary walked out of the confessional, the Mirror Card quietly walks in.
Mirror: Oh, Father, listen to my confession.
Eli: Are you regretful that you dyed your hair green like that?
Mirror: No, it's not that. I did many bad things through hundreds years of my life. Lately, I decieved a man and get him badly injured.
Eli: Oh, my dear. God told me that He already forgive your sinfulness. He knows you work for justice lately.
Mirror: Oh, did He really say that?
Eli: Yes, He did.
Mirror: Uh, that's not all. In ancient times, I answered to a great wizard named Clow Reed. I often used to concoct his alibi when he went out for his evil activities—like underwear caper.
Eli: Hmm, my dear, that's no sin. Lord is so...
Ruby: Hey, what are you saying, Eli?! Just like I said, you don't have what it takes to listen to someone else's confession.
Spinny: You're the one to blame on, Eli, after all.
Mirror: Mmm... Father, are you OK?
Eli: Hey, just let go of me, Ruby and Spinner.
Ruby: Now, it's your turn, you've got a confess your sin!
Eli: I'm always doing good things! Who do you think you're talking to? I'm the reincarnation of the great wizard Clow Reed!
Mirror: Huh? What?! It's you, Clow Reed, you in there! Come out right away, and apologize to me! Do you know how many times I was arrested by the police because of your crimes you made?!
Eli: Oh, no! Mirror Card found out I'm in here. Let's get of here.
10. Half an Hour
Spinner: Hey, Eli, what's the matter with you, running out of the house impulsively like that?
Eli: Huh, I just got a terrific idea, Spinner.
Spinner: To cause a mysterious trick to draw the mistress of the Clow Cards out here?
Ruby: Hey, Eli, I have no clue why you have to do such a stuff.
Eli: Heh, you'll know it in a while.
Spinner: That's simple, Eli loves to see a cutie stuck in trouble.
Eli: Hey! What do you guys think I am?
Ruby: Whatever... I didn't want to go out this time...
Eli: Why not?
Ruby: I was just watching TV, Backstreet Boys were on.
Eli: Pah, just TV, huh?
Ruby: Hey, you just don't know how deeply I am into the show. You don't have a right to block me from my Nick Carter!
Spinner: Shh... don't make a scene like that.
Eli: You guys, I brought sandwiches for you, so eat them while we're waiting for Sakura to come.
Ruby: Yay! Sandwich! Yumm!
Spinner: Maybe 20 minutes to 30, before Sakura and the others get here.
Eli: Right. Her power has gotten so stronger that she senses my power on her own, so it's easier for me to draw her out. Just remembering back, I had to cause the endless torrential rain to make her aware of my presence when she was new on the mistress.
Spinner: You are right.
Eli: These days, all I have to do is just release my true power and sit on a branch of a tree for about half an hour.
Ruby: During which she senses your power, calls her friends, and changes into frilly stuff, right?
Almost 30 minutes later, Sakura in a battle costume runs into the playground of school with Madison, Li, Kero, and Yue. They are coming closer to the tree in which Eli is hiding.
Ruby: I sometimes kind of think that Spinny and I merely help you fulfill your kinky interest or something...
Eli: Hey, this mission is not that... Shh... quiet. This is the time. Here comes my cherry(1) girl!
Ruby: What d'you call her? That's why I think you're weird, Eli.
(1) Sakura is a Japanese name that means "cherry blossom," besides "cherry" also means... you know what. ^^;