A/N The happiest of birthdays to my favorite fanfic author JamesLuver. I remember the first time you reviewed one of my stories I felt like a rock star. It isn't what you asked for, but it's what my muse provided. Hope you enjoy.

Both men stared into the fire.

"Do you ever get homesick, Bates?" Captain Crawley asked.

The younger man gave a bitter chuckle before answering, "God no. I joined up to get away from home."

"Was it that bad?" Robert asked after taking another drink, "Worth all this?" He gestured toward the camp.

Bates took a drink of his own and continued to stare at the fire for a long interval. Robert had just given up on him ever answering when the sergeant finally spoke.

"I was a footman in a fine house as a young man…"

"Were you?" Robert said in surprise. "That explains why you're so good as a batman. Have you ever thought of being a valet? I'll hire you myself if we ever get out of this hell hole."

Bates laughed bitterly again, "That was a long time ago. Before I joined the army I worked the docks in London." He took a long pull on his fag and slowly released the smoke, "I hated that job."

"What made you quit being a footman and go to the docks?"

"I got married. The thing about being a footman in London is that there are plenty of opportunities to get yourself into trouble during your time off. I'm very good at getting into trouble."

"You're very good at getting me out of trouble."

John smiled, "That's my duty, Sir."

"It's very much appreciated, Sargeant."

"Anyway, besides drinking too much, one of the ways I got myself in trouble was that I met a girl. She was fierce and fiery and with her I could and did act completely differently than I did at Sutton House. She told me she was pregnant and that we had to get married."

"I didn't know you had a child."

"I don't," Bates took another swig and tossed his now empty bottle aside.

Robert stirred the fire in order to avoid eye contact, "I'm sorry, Bates."

"Don't be. There was no child. But by the time I realized, we were already married. Well, you can't be a married footman, can you? So I had to quit and take what work I could find. I found it at the docks. Back breaking labour for hardly any pay and it turns out my wife doesn't enjoy poverty. We fought like cats and dogs when we weren't both completely pissed. She was always on at me to get a better job and I was miserable at home and at work. One day I was walking home and saw a recruitment ad and off I went to sign up."

"Do you regret it?"

"I regret leaving my mother. My wife's had to move in with her and they don't get on. But my life? I don't miss that, no. At least out here it's never dull, what with the danger of death around every corner. And working for you I'm asked to use my mind as well as my back. Plus, I've seen Africa now, haven't I. I'd never have been anywhere without the Army."

"What will you do when you go back?"

"You mean if I make it back." It was a statement, not a question. Both men knew that making it home was far from guaranteed. "Truthfully, Sir, I don't know. I don't know if I can go back to that life again. I may not be brave enough."

"I've no doubt of your bravery, Bates. It's been clearly demonstrated time and time again."

"You're talking about a dread of death. That's easy when you already dread your life. I don't suppose you would know much about that. And you shouldn't. You have a good home and a wonderful family to return to."

"Bates…"

John waved away whatever his commanding officer was about to say, "Don't misunderstand me, Sir. I don't begrudge you. You're a fine man and a fine officer. I'm honored to serve you. I'm just trying to explain why I don't get homesick."

"I do," Robert sighed, "almost all day every day. Sometimes I miss my wife and children, even my dog, so much I can barely function. You dread your life, and I'm terrified of my death. I'm not sure which of us is the lucky one."

John looked at Captain Crawley and gave a brief smile. He really was the best of men: fair, honorable, hardworking. John was rather fond of him and found himself admiring the Earl of Grantham more and more as each day passed. If he weren't married, John would honestly consider following him to his estate after the war. They got on well together and trusted each other completely. Besides, he could do with a break from London.

Robert roused John from his thoughts by standing and saying, "Come along, Bates. It's time for me to get some shut eye. You too, in fact. We have an early start tomorrow if we're to connect with Captain Burns by midmorning."

Bates rose as well, "As you say, Sir. I'll just go fetch some fresh water for your tent and join you in a moment."

As Captain Crawley made his way to his tent, Sergeant Bates went in search of water, alone with his thoughts.