Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy.

Ch. 1 Can I Not?

"How could you do this to me?" I yelled at him.

"I realized…how much better it would be for me, if I were to be with Tasha instead of…you," Dimitri said, his voice thick. His voice shook a little.

"Oh, now you decide to take up on her offer? When Tasha offered you the option to be her guardian and have dhampir kids, that was Christmas. It's spring…and after the Strigoi attack, how could you think of leaving? We need you here." I need you, Dimitri. Please don't leave me. I hoped my face showed what I couldn't say. I wouldn't beg him to stay, no matter how much I wanted him to.

"Yes, but back then… I don't know. Now, I think I should've taken her offer. Luckily, she's still waiting for me." Dimitri couldn't meet my eyes as he spoke, and he kept his eyes firmly on the ground. His voice sounded dull.

"But…you said you loved me. That was why you didn't go with her." I hated how my voice trembled, revealing my emotions. Was I that weak, to reveal my emotions? I can't break down in front of Dimitri, I said to myself. I won't give him that satisfaction. "And what about last night…when we made love in the cabin?"

A brief burst of emotion flashed in Dimitri's eyes, but vanished before I could see what it was. "Roza…" I flinched at the use of his nickname for me. "I…that was…"

A cold realization spread through me. "You were using me the whole time, weren't you?" I asked. "Especially last night. You took advantage of me and had sex with me. That's all it was. It wasn't making love, it was just sex." I felt hurt and debased. That had been one of the most touching moments in our relationship, such as it was. We had given in to our love for each other. In the end, it had been only sex to him. Everything in our relationship was gone.

"Rose, that's not how it was-"

"It must've been, since you're leaving me now," I said bitterly, kicking at the ground. "Well, now it must be great for you. You can have all the sex you want with Tasha and make babies in the process. Why have me when you have such a better chance with Tasha?"

"Don't talk about Tasha like that!" Dimitri shouted, his eyes flashing with anger. I stood my ground, knowing he wouldn't hurt me. "I want to go with her because I love her."

I stared, feeling like the air had been knocked out of me. Had he just said what I thought I'd heard? "What the fuck did you say?" I gasped.

"I love Tasha. I want to be with her and raise a family. I'm so tired of fighting for other Moroi and risking my life when I'm out in the field."

This wasn't my Dimitri. It was like something had taken root inside him and changed my passionate lover into…a stranger. Hurt ached inside of me, and I fought back my urge to cry. I couldn't look weak in front of Dimitri.

"Have a good life," I said coldly, keeping my emotions off my face. Don't you dare share him how upset you are.

Uncertainty showed in Dimitri's eyes and he tentatively reached for me, before holding himself back. That was confusing, but I resolved to not let that crack me. Conflicting actions. "Fuck you, Dimitri. Since this is your choice, this is what you get. I hope you're happy with Tasha. I hope we never hear or see each other again. Don't you dare regret what you're doing. Goodbye forever."

I turned my back on him and walked away. A single tear slid down my cheek, but I kept walking, leaving the love of my life - and our shared memories - behind me.

Seven years later…

I can't believe that so much time has passed since the Strigoi attack. It feels like it was only a year ago the night that changed my life forever, but in reality, several years have passed.

Dimitri and I…we don't know anything about each other now. After the night he left me, I tried to forget him. I pretended – to those who had known about us, anyway – that I was okay, that it was better this way.

I'd finally had to tell Lissa and Christian about what I had once shared with him. Lissa had been sad and angry enough for the both of us – and I should know, since we share a bond – although she was shocked about our relationship, and surprised that she hadn't seen it in both of us.

As for Christian… he didn't quite know what to think. Tasha was his aunt, and she'd raised him after his parents were killed when they become Strigoi. She was the one who had raised him, and was like a mother to him. On the other hand, I was his friend. That left him in a very difficult situation, but I put on a good face and told him to visit her whenever he liked.

Lissa stayed with me whenever he went to Tasha. She was too loyal to me to visit the woman who had stolen my love away. I tried to encourage her to go, but she was far too stubborn to listen to me.

"I'm not going to that woman's house," she'd said haughtily the last time I'd tried to convince her – which was last year. "I support her position on Moroi fighting alongside guardians… but this? You said…that he had turned her down last time because of you. And now he changed his mind. What an asshole."

"But it's rude," I said, although I was secretly glad that she wasn't going. Selfish and petty of me, but how could I help it?

Lissa shook her head, refusing to dignify my comment with a response.

I had graduated at the top of my class, with full marks. After graduation, I went with Lissa and our other classmates to Court. I had gotten assigned to Lissa, much to our delight. I had worried that after my talk with Queen Tatiana herself (where she had implied she would try to keep me from being assigned to Lissa, and had yelled at me for a nonexistent affair between me and Adrian) that I wouldn't get assigned to her, but I was lucky.

Since Lissa was the only Dragomir, the last of her family, another guardian was assigned to her. My partner was Luc, a guardian who had attended school somewhere in France. He was pretty cute, with a laid-back, chill attitude, and was very dedicated to protecting Lissa. Eddie had gotten assigned to Christian.

I was glad that there was another guardian watching over Lissa besides me. I would give up my life for her if necessary, but I was glad for someone else to help me out.

Today was my – and Luc's, for that matter - day off. Lissa was strolling around Court with Christian. I wondered when they would get engaged. They'd been dating for over five years. Lissa wanted to get married to him, but Christian…to say he was a bit reluctant was an understatement.

I moodily lay down on my couch. I wondered what would have happened on my day off if things hadn't changed all those years ago… before he had left…

Whoa. Where had that thought come from? Stop thinking about him, I chastised myself. He's dead to you. Non-existent.

The problem? I wasn't sure if I could believe myself.

Lissa burst into my suite, her cheeks slightly pink from the cold. I smiled, welcoming the distraction from my gloomy thoughts. "Rose…I have some…interesting news."

I felt that warning feeling through the bond that told me I wouldn't like what she was about to say, and sat up, pushing my long hair away from my face. "Okay, Liss. Spill."

"Well…" She faltered, which was very unlike her. Although she wasn't as blunt as I could be, she was still rather straightforward about what she thought. It wasn't like her to be so wary.

"Do I actually have to go into your-"

Tasha invited all of us to that ski lodge in Idaho for Christmas, Lissa burst out quickly, cutting me off. And by all of us, I mean all of us. We're supposed to be leaving in two days by private jet for that ski lodge.

I shot out of my lounging position on the couch. I stared at her in shock, feeling like my eyes would bug out of my head. I wanted to pinch myself and check if I was having a nightmare, but the uneasy feelings from Lissa told me otherwise. This was real life. "Are you fucking serious? There is no way in hell I'm going to be anywhere near that fucking she-devil! Can I not go?"

"It's just for a week," Lissa said tentatively.

"Just a week? I have to see the guy who used to be the love of my life! And probably watch Tasha all over him and getting it on. I bet they have kids already," I spat bitterly. "Hello to Christian's cousins."

Lissa's eyes were wide and shocked. "Rose..?"

I realized I'd let some of my true emotions slip, and mentally cursed myself. What happened to keeping your emotions bottled up? I smiled brightly, trying to put back the emotions I'd let slip out. "It's fine. We can go for a week."

Lissa pursed her mouth, and tilted her head. You're not saying the whole truth. I know it's not fine. Let me tell Christian. She started reaching for her phone, but I held up my hand.

"It's fine. Really." She looked far from convinced. "I'll be okay. Do you really want to ruin Christian's winter? He won't go this time without you, since you said we were all invited. Besides, it's a freaking ski lodge. I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Fine," Lissa groused, getting to her feet. "I assure you I'm not any happier than you are." Which was funny, because before I lashed out, she'd temporarily tried to convince me to go with them. She muttered something under her breath, and stalked out.

I sighed and lay my head back down on the pillows. No matter what I told everyone… I still hurt over him. Dimitri. The man who had once understood me better than anyone else in the world. The one who had once been my soulmate, my true love. Why did you leave me? I wondered miserably, playing with a lock of my hair. Everything was almost perfect.

Nothing in our relationship had ever been truly perfect, especially given how we'd had to hide it, our duties as guardians, and the condemnation we would have faced for a dhampir-dhampir relationship, not to mention the teacher-student part…but before the rescue mission, it had seemed perfect. We had almost found a way to work things out. Until he told me he wanted to be with Tasha, and ruined it all.

Thanks for fucking up my life, I thought darkly, but cut off that thought. No. I said I would stop thinking about him, and I will. It will be like nothing happened between us. We are two separate people. He only used to be your mentor, and that's that.

I stared blankly across the room. Several years ago, when Dimitri had considered Tasha's offer before declining her the first time, we had gone to the exact same ski lodge we were now going. Was this God's way of punishing me? A visit to the ski lodge...with Tasha and him. It would bring up painful memories. This was going to be the most fucked-up, depressing Christmas ever.

Author's note: Another Dimitri - leaves - Rose - for Tasha story :P And yes, the beginning is a lot like my first story (am I copying myself? hahaha, but it's mainly because I think this is a good way of starting the story). But it's going to be different, compared to Fighting Against Love. Reviews/ideas appreciated :]