Emotions, a merlin fanfic

Emotions had left Merlin long ago. For centuries now, he had not felt anything; not the embarrassment of being the mysterious and odd man who sat by the lake, his eyes never leaving it; not the sting of loneliness when it occurred to him that everyone he loved had passed; not even the anger that had coursed through him because he had failed to save the man who meant everything.

He felt numb.

As he sat on the rocky bank by the lake, even the sharp bites of the cold wind seemed softer than they would have all those years ago. The water that lapped against his toes, grey as the cloudy sky, did not bother him. He knew his feet were soaked and most likely cold, but if he could not feel it, why should it weigh on his mind?

Out of the corner of his eye he could see the children had begun to point again. In all the years Merlin had been there, the children had never changed. A single constant in a world that was ever-changing. Whether they were from the year 1500 or 2000, they would latch onto their mothers, tugging at their clothing to gain attention before pointing straight at Merlin. It used to bother him, but now he let it pass.

Hundreds of people came to visit the lake everyday, visiting the fabled Isle of Avalon. Long ago, it would have amused Merlin if you had told him he would one day be the subject of legend. Now, it only caused the hole in his heart to grow wider. Gwen had been a fair and wonderful queen, but unable to stop the collapse of Camelot when she died without an heir. With Camelot left as abandoned ruins that soon disappeared under the earth, the triumphs and tragedy of all that he and Arthur had achieved soon disappeared into folklore as well.

There were days when Merlin wanted to stand up tall, face the crowds telling the myths of Camelot and scream until his throat was raw. Scream about how it was real, how this was the lake of Avalon. How Arthur and Guinevere and everyone had been real. How he was Merlin, and how he had waited for nearly a millennium, and how he would wait even longer for Arthur to return to him. But he couldn't. He couldn't risk being taken away. Arthur could return at any moment, and Merlin needed to be there when he did.

He had often thought of what he would do when Arthur rose above the surface of the lake. What he would say, how he would say it, would he laugh, cry, slap him, insult him… kiss him?

He came to the conclusion sometime in the 17th century that he would just do whatever felt right at the time. If he felt in the mood to cry and embrace him, he would do so. If he felt the urge to hit his perfect and smug face and call him a prat, then that would be what he would do. After another hundred years of debate, Merlin decided that if he was so overcome by his emotions that he wanted to kiss him deeply, apologise for everything and cry at his feet, he could also do that, and Arthur was in no position to complain about it.

Despite the emptiness inside of him, Merlin knew he was excited and anticipating the day when Arthur would return. He wanted to see his face again, his amazing blue eyes, his earnest smile. He wanted to run his hands through his blond hair, feel his smooth and pale skin beneath his fingertips. He wanted Arthur to hold him close, promise him he would never leave again, stay with him always.

Merlin's heart beat quickly at the thought, his stomach fluttering. Nearly 1000 years and he was still utterly infatuated with the king. It didn't surprise him. Arthur meant more to him than the entire world, and nothing could change that. As he turned his eyes to the still lake, Merlin allowed himself to revel in his affection for the first time in years. He couldn't say he felt happy, but as the corners of his lips turned upwards into a slight smile, he knew that inside he was at peace. After all, if anyone could draw him out of his unfeeling shell, it would be Arthur.

Not my best by a long shot, but it needed to be done. I can't stand idly by while the 1 year anniversary of my childhood ending passes. I'll do better next time.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great Christmas and New Year!