Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet
By: Ashley Benjmain
NOTE: Now it's time for me to state the obvious. *sigh* Well, this story concerns the actors, and as much as we'd like to believe it, this didn't actually happen. These are not the actor's words, they're mine. The characters that they play are based on the book by JRR Tolkien. Blah blah blah.The only character that is an original of mine is Pollo Joe, and if he intrigues you, then you can go read some of my original fics that have him in there. Stir, let cool, enjoy.
"Never. Never, never, never, never!" Cried the voice of a certain * sexy * elf. "I refuse to wear that. Look at it! It's so...well, pink."
"Please Orli! If you don't wear the costume we'll never be able to carry on with this first show. We all put so much work into creating Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet. Don't take it from us now.
Look, Viggo has agreed to wear tights, and he's rugged. You aren't rugged, you're the sexy elf," pleaded Ashley, the stage manager. She had been doing this all morning; everyone had a problem with their costumes.
"Okay, I get the sexy part....But-but...IT'S PINK FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!" Orlando Bloom took the fluffy mass of pink into his arms and glared at it as Ashley flipped through the pages of her clipboard.
"Pink is sexy. We took an online poll at the web site, and people voted that pink was the sexiest color," stated Ashley like it was common knowledge. After a silent moment Orli turned.
"The things I do for my career," Orli muttered as he walked away towards the dressing room.
A tap on her shoulder startled Ashley. She turned to see Jenni, the make-up artist and set designer.
"We've got a problem," she said with a sigh, "come with me."
"What is it this time?" Ashley asked as they briskly walked down a dark hall, toward the hobbit dressing rooms. Jenni pointed silently into the doorway, where Dom and Billy were arguing.
"I'M the cute one. I should be the most colorful," Pippin tugged on one side of a flashing costume as Merry tugged the other.
"No you're not. Just because you're the youngest hobbit it doesn't make you cute. I should wear it, it was made for ME!" Merry gave it a hard tug that made Pippin stumble. They both then noticed that Ashley and Jenni had entered the room.
"Tell him to give me my costume," they both shouted in unison.
"Pippin, wear your assigned costume. Isn't yours cute enough?" Ashley inquired.
"It's red. Why does Merry get to be colorful, and I have to be RED?" Pippin said as he released the costume. Merry tumbled.
"Yours is just fine, Billy," Ashley stated, walking out of the room.
Jenni turned towards them with her arms crossed.
"Who's feet do I have to put on still?" She asked. Merry raised his hand, feeling triumphant.
"I have a question," Merry said, "If we've got on our prosthetic feet, how are we supposed to put on our tights?"
"Ummm...We'll have to cut the feet part off," Jenni thought aloud.
"Huh? What is that? Partly tights-partly...FEET. That won't work. Go talk to the costume designer." Pippin crossed his arms.
"I can't, she left already." Jenni blinked and turned to put on Merry's feet.
"So...we're doing a ballet, in giant rubber feet, with cut up tights and fuzzy bathing suits with capes?" Pippin stated more than asked.
"Go put on your bathing sui- I mean, costume." Jenni ordered, applying glue to Merry's feet. Pippin walked out mumbling.
"Mr...Um...Pollo?" Elijah called as he weaved in and out of the people and pieces of set and props. He was looking for the director, who was busying himself, sniffing at fake hobbit feet.
"Answer me this, my sexy little man. Why do you have all of your toes, and I only have four?" Pollo Joe had acquired a French accent (just for this story!).
"I.um, don't know, sir. But I'm having a problem with my costume and-" Elijah said, studying the odd director that had hardly talked to him about anything but feet.
"Go ask Ashley or Jenni, my sexy little man," Pollo Joe then paused, proceeding to bite off one of the toes.
"I don't think they can help me much with this. I.uh.was wondering if I could," Elijah tried to carry on with his sentence, while watching the man eat a prosthetic foot, "wear what I wore in the movie. And I could wear tights instead of-"
"No."
"But my costume is-"
"You will wear the thong and dance, DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN WITH NO LEGS!"
".My costume isn't a thong."
"It is now.my sexy little man."
"Yea.Listen, you're really freaking me out with that sexy-little-man-thing, so could you just call me Elijah?" Wood felt sick as Pollo Joe swallowed the last toe and began licking the bottom.
"Are you rugged?" Pollo Joe blinked.
"Uh.No."
"Are you a sexy elf?"
"Nope."
"So, you are a sexy little man. I resent your steam-fried carrots, and your bunnies have been rejected. Now be gone.my sexy little man."
Elijah decided to run. Run really, really fast and put on his costume, thanking God it wasn't a thong.
"Ashley?" Sam said quietly as he approached a very exhausted stage manager. Ashley turned slowly, knowing what was coming. Sam was the only one who hadn't complained about his costume yet.
"I'm supposed to be humble. I don't feel humble," Sam tugged at his brown bathing suit.
"You look fine, Sean. You're VERY humble," Ashley, who was half listening, began flipping through her clip board again.
"I look like a turd. A massive, massive turd. Turds aren't humble."
"Only if you believe," Ashley stated before walking away, not knowing what she'd responded to. She then bumped into Gimli.
"I know that you told me that gray made me look buff, but I really think that I should have periwinkle. Gandalf's is periwinkle, and he's SUPPOSED to be gray. It's Gandalf the Gray, not Gandalf the Periwinkle." He seemed like he wanted to say something more, but Ashley sighed.
"The show starts in five minutes. I'd love to have you switch suits with Gandalf, but I don't think that it will look right. I'm sorry that this movie set is this low budget, but gray will do," Ashley stood and began walking away again, calling, "remember.You're the BUFF one."
4 mins to go.
Pippin ran out of his dressing room, screaming. This forced everyone to stop and look that way. Merry came stumbling out of the room, a look of shock and disbelief on his face. They had both been dressed for a while. Jenni followed quickly behind Dom.
"I think that there is a.badger in there!" stuttered Jenni as everyone began prodding them both with questions. Billy was hiding in the corner, his arms covering his own head as Elijah attempted to calm him down.
Everyone all at once panicked, except for Ashley, Elijah, and Pollo Joe, who were all to incredibly confused to panic correctly. Then Pollo Joe figured that dancing in circles looked fun, so he started. But because he was missing so many toes (six to be exact), he fell and scrambled around down there.
3 mins to go.
"It's just a badger-" Elijah was cut off by the screams of everyone back stage.
"We're all going to die!" Screamed someone with a heavy English accent, a small girl who was strangely familiar sounding, "you're all going to die down here."
Orlando at this moment had just walked out of the dressing room, still brushing his glorious blonde hair, "I heard something about badgers and I-"
"AHHHHH!!!"
".We need to get it out of there," stated Ashley, knowing how scary badgers were. She slowly opened the dressing room door, peering inside. She gasped at what she saw.
Sam was sitting on the floor of the room, cross-legged. He looked frightened and pale. Across his forehead was written the word "BADGER" in coral pink lipstick.
"I-I can't put on my own make-up. I-I thought I could handle it, but Jenni still had Billy to do, and the play is going to start in.two minutes now. I-I-I." Sean then broke down into tears and curled into a quivering ball on the floor.
"It's quite allright everyone, it was only Sam!" Orlando screamed at the mass of horrified people.
"ACTORS WHO ALREADY HAVE THEIR MAKE-UP AND ARE IN SCENE ONE, RUSH TO ENTERANCE 4," Ashley screamed in blind disarray. As everyone rushed in different directions Ashley grabbed Orli's sleeve. Jenni pushed past them both, dragging Billy and rapidly applying make-up.
"Jenni, forget about Sam. He'll have to come in on the next scene. Legolas, fill in. BE SAM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Ashley pleaded more than ordered. Orlando looked as though he were going to object, but then he sighed.
1 minute.
"First pink and now this, I hope you know that I'm going to need loads of therapy to get over this," with that Orlando rushed away.
"I'm a badger.I'm a badger.I'm a badger." whispered Sean and he shook and rocked back and fourth on the floor.
"You know that when you jump out of closets, you do appear to be a badger," replied Jenni with wide eyes.
"Billy, I need you NOW!!" screamed Ashley racing towards him and dragging him behind her.
"I've only got one foot on!! Ashley, stop!!" Billy pleaded as she threw him into the middle of the stage. Elijah and the other hobbits, including a strangely tall and pink one, followed tediously. Billy scrambled to his feet.
"Oi.Frodo," stuttered Orlando, blinded by the stage lights. There wasn't a single sound in the entire building. There was a silent pause.
"Oi-yourself.there, Sam," Frodo weakly laughed and swung his arms. There was another pause.
"Wuh.where am I?" Billy began rubbing his head.
"What's the lines?" Dom mumbled out of the corner of his mouth. They all heard someone drop their cup at the back of the auditorium. Cups can echo REALLY loud.
"Pollo Joe never clarified what they actually were.um.wait-the introduction, INTRODUCTION!" Elijah mumbled his thoughts aloud. "WELCOME, friends.family.fans.critics-get out," Elijah laughed alone and swung his arms. The other "hobbits" followed suit ten seconds late. Frodo cleared his throat. "Welcome to Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet!"
A man in the audience raised his hand.
"A-a.question?" Elijah said with bewilderment, pointing at the man.
"If it's a ballet, why do you have to tell us that it's a musical? Ballets always have music in them. Can't we figure that out for ourselves?" He replied as he stood.
"Well.I suppose, but I-we-didn't come up with the tittle-" Elijah looked at the others behind him, as if looking for help.
"OPRESSERS! RACISTS! RAPISTS!!!!" Shouted the man. The others stood as well, throwing their fists into the air and shouting similar things.
"What?! No!" Elijah took two steps back and looked in awe at the angry crowd.
"A silent ballet!!!" shouted Orlando. Everyone stopped to listen, "where I come from, there are, uhhhhh..silent ballets and they aren't musical. We felt we should clarify to make me.er.the other actors feel at home. It goes like this," gulped Lego-I mean Sam. He began twirling and tapping his foot in no apparent attempt to arrange himself. He then stopped, flinging his arms out and saying "taaa-daaa!"
After a moment the man who had first raised his hand looked around. "Allright then. Why didn't you say so?"
Everyone sat.
"Enjoy the show," screamed Dom. Billy, who had hit the stage floor really hard, began doing a bit of a riverdance. Dom exited with the others, but then returned to pull him off stage. Everyone clapped as they winded past the mounds of stage props and stage crew back stage.
"Oh GOD that was a disaster," Elijah began telling Ashley, following her as she checked off stage props on her clip board.
"Nonsense, they loved you. You're a very talented improviser," Ashley said, half listening again.
"No they didn't.They called me a rapist, Ashley," Elijah stated, stopping. Ashley turned and began to retort, but Jenni came running up.
"We've got another problem. It's Sam," she breathlessly said. Ashley gave Elijah a sympathetic look and then followed Jenni.
Frodo sighed and looked down. Suddenly, he felt two hands on his shoulders.
"There you are, my sexy-little-man," smiled Pollo Joe, "you were like a feather in the wind at a pig wrestling tournament. When the grapes soften, you must jump on them until they learn their lesson. Don't let it happen again, my sexy-little-man," he spanked Elijah once and began walking away. Elijah jumped and turned around, finally deciding that he just found out what scared him more than anything else in the world.
"Peaches PEACHES damn you!" screamed Sam as Ashley and Jenni entered the room. He was face down on the floor, lipstick in one hand and Billy's left prosthetic foot in the other.
"He's been like this since you left. He won't let me touch him. I can't wipe off the "BADGER"." Jenni said, lifting up a sponge and jumping at Sean. He looked up and rolled away. Jenni clutched his arms and after a great struggle she yelled for Ashley to come and help. With Ashley holding Sam's head she wiped away the word.
Sam blinked and then shook his head. "Hullo Ashley. Have I been going insane? Quite sorry about that. Can I go onto stage now?"
"Ummm.we've still got 2 minutes. Jenni, please find Billy, and worry about Sam after the next scene," Ashley stood and Jenni nodded.
"Sorry Sam, you're going to have to sit this one out. Scene 2 lasts for about ten minutes." Ashley gave him an apologetic smile and rushed out of the room, side by side with Jenni. They separated when Jenni spotted Billy going towards the bathroom.
"I need to pee!!" cried Pippin.
"No time for peeing! You should have thought of that before you took this job!" Jenni cried out as she dragged him towards his dressing room.
Ashley turned, suddenly face to face with Elijah
"What's wrong with Sean?" Frodo said, leaning back a bit.
"He was.um.delirious. Listen, can you go tell Orli that he's going to have to stand in for Sam again for this next set? I need to go and make sure that our director hasn't tried to eat everyone's prosthetic feet. Tell him that Jenni will see to him about his feet. Go! Run!" she commanded before running away herself.
She found Pollo Joe with one minute to spare. He was half way into Sam's extra left foot. "Pollo Joe! We need those!" she tried to snatch it, but Pollo Joe snarled.
"It's making them grow back, look!" he screamed, shoving his foot into Ashley's face. The mangled empty spaces where toes once were made her feel sick. She grabbed her mouth and closed her eyes.
"Oh God, HAVE IT!!" she yelled, gathering up the other remaining feet and walking away. "Stay away from my sexy-little-man!" Pollo Joe called after her, he then began singing to the foot in his hand, before eating a pinkie-toe.
Meanwhile.
"Jenni?" Called Legolas, peeking his head into Merry and Pippin's dressing room. Jenni had just finished with Billy's feet and she looked up. Pippin ran away, screaming something about a damaged bladder.
"Elijah said that Ashley says you can give me some feet," Orli sat down on the floor facing Jenni. "Feet me."
"I can't do it in less than a minute.uhh." Jenni began scanning the room. Sam was playing solitaire in a far corner, facing the wall. He wasn't speaking to Legolas currently for taking his part.
"I'l1 just do the best that I can," Jenni smiled. Suddenly her eyes fixated on some slippers in the far corner near some props. They were massive bear feet. Orli caught on.
"How am I supposed to stay in character with those on?" he smiled, hoping she was joking.
"Be a super-hairy hobbit," Jenni giggled as she retrieved the feet and put them on Legolas, "an angry, tall, pink, super-hairy hobbit."
"Isn't he supposed to be playing Sam?" objected Sean before Orli could, still facing the corner. "I could just put on the bear feet and pretend to be a big, dumb, oaf in tights. ARE YOU OFFENDED?!? HUH?! How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeel?!? PEACHES!" Sam suddenly stopped himself, out of fear of going insane once again.
But Orlando still didn't get a chance to reply, because Ashley burst into the door.
"On stage now.bear-man?" Ashley laughed. Jenni joined in.
"This is the best I could do. Just think of him as exceedingly hairy," she smiled, pulling Legolas up. Ashley dragged him toward the stage entrance. The other three hobbits were already there.
"Go in there and be like the canary is to the fountain!" Ashley called as she rushed away.
"They're all hopping mad," uttered Elijah as the stage lights hit the set before them. Applause was followed by happy, jumpy music.
Gandalf skipped onto the set, followed shortly(ha ha!) by a stumbling Bilbo.
"Oi." Bilbo nodded towards Gandalf as he took out a small, golden ring. The light on the stage turned blue.
"Give it here, Bilbo," the wizard said very forcefully. The music got intense and scary.
"I've got goosebumps!" yelled out a man in the audience. Elijah recognized the voice as the man that had stood up in objection to the tittle.
"No.It's minnnnne!!!" squealed the hobbit, jumping onto a table. The lighting turned red as he danced a bit.
All of a sudden, a naked Pollo Joe streaked across the stage. The hobbits stood in terrified silence as he ran past them. The two on stage were now uncomfortable.
"Ummmm.here take it. And give it to my naked-I mean-ass, no, I mean streaker- NO!" Bilbo just threw the ring at Gandalf and ran off stage in tears.
"Ummmm.I, uh, have the ring of dick! AGH! I mean-POWER, I HAVE THE RING OF POWER!!" With that Gandalf looked towards the side entrance, seeing Elijah. He slowly entered the set as the light turned green.
"Where did Bilbo go?" Frodo said, trying to remember his lines.
"He-uh-look at this!" called Gandalf, obviously trying to do the same thing.
"It's a ring," Frodo stated, trying to appear curious. He reached out for it. Gandalf pulled it away, He seemed as though he were going to say something when Pollo Joe, nude as the day he was born, walked onto stage.
"You are not following my instructions!" He called his back to the audience and his hands on his hips. They both tried to concentrate on the faces in the audience.
"Mr. Joe.we're in the middle of the scene. I-" Elijah fumbled with words.
"YOU aren't doing as I instructed. NOW DO IT," Pollo Joe's eye began to twitch.
Elijah sighed and started flapping his arms.
"I'm like a bird," he sang unenthusiastically.
Pollo Joe laughed and clapped his hands. "Louder my SEXY-LITTLE-MAN!!"
But Elijah sang only one more line and then stopped. "Please go. Leave and get hit by a car."
Pollo Joe skipped off the stage.
Elijah grabbed the ring from Gandalf and ran off the stage. Gandalf slowly exited as well. The lights dimmed and the curtains drew across the stage.
Confused and scattered applause filled the room.
Suddenly the curtain drew back and there stood Merry, Pippin, and "Sam". But for the first few moments, everyone was too astonished by the set to notice there were people there. Glittery pink palm trees scattered the stage. Everything seemed to be covered in glitter, from the royal purple astro-turf below them to the giant elephants painted in the distance.
The three hobbits seemed just as surprised as the audience.
"THIS is the forest scene?" Orlando muttered to Merry.
"Roll with it." gulped Pippin.
"Where could Frodo have gone?" Merry cried aloud, returning to script.
"The party isn't over yet," Pippin said as quiet techno music began to play, as if from a distance.
Elijah suddenly ran onto set. He opened his mouth to speak his lines, when he suddenly noticed his surroundings. He looked out to see Jenni standing by the entrance giving an enthusiastic thumbs up.
"Oi! I have to leave the shire. I'm to go tonight. I'll miss you all. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye," Frodo sang and put a hand on Pippin's shoulder.
"Leave the shire? You're not going anywhere without us." Merry replied, quite stubbornly. They all three looked at Orli, to signal him.
"I love you," 'Sam' said quickly. All four of them heard an angry yell from Sean backstage.
"That's great, Sam." Frodo stuttered after the crowd gasped, "I think you're a good friend too." He laughed weakly and patted 'Sam's' shoulder (he had to reach up), "Follow me everyone."
They began walking when Pippin fell, which caused Merry to fall.
"It burns!" Pippin screamed as the curtains fell across the stage.
Two minutes later the curtains opened, revealing them to be standing in front of a glittery, high gate. Pippin and Merry were both rubbing their glittery, bloodshot eyes. From head to toe they were covered.
All of them started a strange dance that stopped when they all had their backs to the audience.
"However shall we get in?" sang out Frodo as the music grew happy. He jumped and turned, smiling at the audience.
"This gate is big and tall," added Pippin, doing the same.
"We could never climb this!" crooned Merry.
"For we are oh so small!" vocalized Orli, who wasn't actually small at all.
"And its one of the great big, great big, things to over come," they all sang at once, stepping sideways and flicking out their fingers. "But we can do it, do it, do it one by one!"
*******At this point..you can make a decision my friends. You may continue to the shortened version, which lies just below. OR, you can go on to read the longer version, which lies just at the end of the shortened version. (look for the stars).Or you can read both, which I'm going to force you to do anyhow, so why not get it out of the way?******
All of a sudden the lights turned red, and Pollo Joe ran onto stage. This time he was wearing a large, black cloak.
"I am the dark lord!!" He cried at the audience. The music stopped.
"Huh?" Merry.
"This play is too long. Let's have the battle right now! Gimli! Boromir! Aragorn, or whatever the hell you call yourself.Everyone else, get out here!"
The rest of the fellowship came onto stage, looking scared.
"Fight me," smiled Pollo Joe.
Gandalf was the first to bite. He pounced Pollo Joe, biting his arm, and screaming about how he'd destroyed their play. The rest suddenly joined in, except for Elijah, who was afraid to touch Pollo Joe.
All of a sudden a bunch of bunnies ran onto stage and attacked Pollo Joe's toes. By this time he was shrieking.
Elijah turned and saw people changing the set. Suddenly he was standing before the Crack of Doom.
Sean, who was utterly delirious, suddenly pounced Frodo. "Give me the ring!!" He cried as his pupils dilated. Elijah suddenly understood. He needed to throw the ring that was around his neck into the crack so that everyone would know that the play was over and stop fighting.
The entire audience was now on it's feet. They had divided. Half of them seemed to think the Dark Lord should win. Most of the rest thought that he should lose, and the rest wanted the sexy, pink, tall hobbit to rule them all. So they decided to fight one another.
"Get off Sean!" yelled Elijah as they both fell to the ground. But it was no use. Frodo pulled the ring off of his necklace and put it on his finger, whipping Sam with the chain.
"PEEEEEEACHES!!! I NEED THE RING! THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE THE PARROT!!" Sam screeched and bit Frodo's eyebrow.
"AGH!!" Elijah screeched, shoving his palm into Sam's eye to push him away.
His eyes began rolling into the back of his head. "The good good vibes can keep on playing, playing!!" Sean yelled as he spinned away.
Elijah jumped up and dashed towards the Crack of Doom. Sean had jumped up too, however, and grabbed Frodo's ankle. He spun around and hit his back on the floor. Sam grabbed the finger that had the ring and bit it as hard as he could.
"OW! Dammit Sean!" Elijah yelled ripping his hand away and shaking it. "What the hell? We're you trying to bite off my finger?"
"AHA! AHA AHA!" He giggled in reply, coming into a cannon ball position and rolling away.
Elijah stood again and made his way to the Crack of Doom. He looked down to see one, red lava lamp inside. He shrugged and dropped the ring in. It clanged as it hit the lamp and fell to the floor.
"AGGGGGHHH!!!!!" Screamed Pollo Joe above all other people, "whyyyyyyyyy.iiiiieeeeeeee!!!!" he carried on.
The people who were fighting him ran away, leaving him twitching on the floor.
"Tell.tell my followers.my-muh.minions." he whispered, coughing and scratching as Elijah slowly walked near him. "Tell them that.the Crack of Doom is a dumbass name.and.and it sounds like an angry, dangerous, butt." He gasped for air and continued, "it's like "what the hell" because you think you're going to walking into the cave and be farted on.The Crack of Doom.beware the after-gas of the Dark Lord's burrito. Tell Milton that he's fired for coming up with it." All of a sudden his head rolled to the side.
"One more thing." He suddenly whispered, just as Elijah was about to walk away. "Come closer."
Elijah got onto his knees.
"Closer."
He leaned forward a little bit.
"Dammit! Closerrrr."
Terrified, he leaned in even nearer.
"What the hell is it with you people? When us dying people want to have a last word, we don't want to have to speak loudly. We need you to be able to hear us. I'm not going to eat you, I'm almost dead. You suck. You suck almost as much as the name the Crack of Doom." He whispered, his eyelids fluttering.
Elijah leaned in, merely inches from Pollo Joe's face. The room was stunned to silence.
All of a sudden Pollo Joe reached out and grabbed the back of Elijah's head pulling him into a kiss. He struggled and flailed his arms. He was scared and crawled backwards, to horrified to speak as Pollo Joe's head rolled back and the Dark Lord died.
"The end!" Legolas cried out to the stunned crowd. Slowly, the crowd exited. Some people from back stage came out and pulled Pollo Joe away.
"I think this was our last show," Pippin stated as people began leaving the stage. Jenni, who had come out to fight, jumped up onto Legolas' back.
"Carry me," she ordered, as the bunnies followed her. About four of them sat on Orlando's shoulders. They left.
"I hope so," sighed Sean, who had come to. He helped the silent Elijah up and guided him off stage.
Meanwhile...
"Bwahaha!" giggled somebody in a black cloak, locked in an extra dressing room. They drew away their hood, revealing the face of Pollo Joe. Quickly, a hand came up to the chin and pulled off a perfectly shaped mask. Ashley giggled as she took off the cloak and hung it up in the closet.
"I like this play," she smiled as she walked out to greet the rest of the crew.
THE END..Or is it?
****************
"Lo there!" Yelled a hobbit, scurrying up to the other side of the gate, holding a lantern. "What brings you to my gate. I can only wonder, only contemplate," he sang in a very low voice for his size.
"Please good sir we're tired. We beg you'll let us in," answered Frodo.
"We mean you no harm at all, and our time is running thin!" followed Merry.
"Then you may come and join me, let me show you our good town. But you may come to notice I'm not the only one around!"
"And it was the first of great big, great big, things to over come. But if we try hard, try hard, we'll do it one by one." They all finished and marched as they followed the gatekeeper.
The curtains fell and they disappeared off stage.
Sean Astin came running up to them. He was fully in costume. "I get to be Sam now!!!"
"Great," smiled Orli, kicking off his Bear slippers and going to get ready for his next scene.
Pippin and Merry ran to go wash off their faces, and Frodo wandered around the mounds off stage props to get to the big main dressing room where Gandalf, Bilbo, Elrond, Gimli, and Aragorn all sat.
"You guys are doing.a good job," said Ian M. quietly. Elijah sighed and sat down, trying to recall the few lines they had put together from one practice. Just then Ashley entered.
"We can still do this," she said as she walked across the room and began flipping through her clipboard, "the next scene is where you go to the Prancing Pony."
"We didn't even get chased by the black riders," mumbled Elijah, examining the room.
"Oh, we were going to throw that in, but we have guest people playing the black riders and they haven't arrived yet. They should be here for the next scene. But we will have black riders if I have to tie a sheet around my head." Ashley smiled, "Pollo Joe said they are almost here."
"You trust that guy to do something responsible?" Elijah gasped.
"No, that's why I have black bed sheets and rope," she laughed and walked out of the room. Elijah followed as her heard the music come back on. They had to go back on stage.
Once he got to the side entrance he saw the other three hobbits. The music peaked and they all headed out.
For a second they were stunned by the set. It appeared to be a Motel 6 only the entire set was spray painted chrome. Through the windows they appeared to be under the sea. All of the extras in the bar were chatting to themselves. But they didn't have mugs, they had sporks and jars of mustard in front of them.
"May I help you?" asked Butterbur from behind the desk, leaning over the counter.
"We would like a room!" shouted Elijah.
"Spend your time in the bar while I get one ready for ya." The man smiled.
"Have you seen Gandalf?" asked Pippin. Sean elbowed him, that was Frodo's line.
"Oh.not for 6 months." as Butterbur said this the stage dimmed and the actors took their places. White lights all of a sudden blinked at them as they stood in the he middle of the bar.
The hobbits took longer than expected to respond. As a result the music that they were supposed to be dancing and singing to was ahead of them.
"We are in this bar," Elijah spun as the others nodded, "we're so small and they're so big."
"Seems we won't get to far," a discombobulated pirouette from Sam was followed by the hobbits crossing their arms and nodding again, "unless we all dance a li-ull jig!"
They all broke off into some sort of a river dance ballet thing.
"Rumm biddy bum bum biddy riddy bum. Rum for our tum tum tum," was the lyrics as they all approached separate tables and sat upon them.
"Oi, little hobbit. Do you know Frodo Baggins?" asked a rather tall man, leaning beside Pippin as the other three hobbits sang quietly in the bathroom.
"Ai, Frodo Baggins? Sure, here's right over there. He's my 2nd cousin, once removed on his mother's side!" Billy called out. This was Frodo's que to jump up onto the table.
"All please look at me," Elijah sang with a smile. The crowd seemed to be enjoying this. Sam and Merry jumped from their tables. "I have a story to tell. There's a song that plays over in your head and chimes just like a bell. It goes: Rumm biddy bum bum biddy riddy bum. Rumm in your tum tum tum." The hobbits were all swinging their arms and box stepping.
The people in the bar cheered a bit as the other hobbits sang with him.
"Rumm biddy bum bum biddy riddy bum. Rum in our tum tum tum!" Just as everyone began to join in, five young men entered the set. Their faces were painted black, but it was no mistaking them. They were the members of NSYNC! The crowd gasped in horror and begins to untie their shoes.
The music stopped.
"You came in early, we were supposed to finish our song," protested Elijah as he jumped down from the table and drew his sword. He didn't care if he wasn't supposed to, he wanted to chop off their heads. Aragorn ran in from the set however and began to push the hobbits up some stairs on the other side of the set. The lights followed them.
"That's not jiggy!" screeched one. (I don't really know names)
"Lets DANCE EM TO DEATH!!" shouted one of the others. When they started dancing the crowd threw their shoes. The extras all hit the ground. A Nike got one between the legs. He fell.
"They killed Justin!" screamed one.
"YOU BASTARDS!!" shouted some guy with sun glasses. They then ran off stage.
The lights moved up and on a second floor there was a set where the hobbits all sat on the floor. Except for Sam, who's head was out the window.
"Riiiiiicola!!" he shouted, giggling as it echoed.
"Sean!" shouted Billy. Sam turned with wide eyes and then took his place beside Frodo.
"Um, are you frightened?" Aragorn quickly shouted at Elijah.
"What?" he looked up from comforting Sam, "oh, yeah, I'm frightened."
".Not nearly fried enough-" Aragorn stopped, feeling like something wasn't right. The crowd was looking perplexed and angry.
"Those things down there.what were they?" said Merry, referring to the guest Black Riders.
"They were the Black Riders.the Nazgul.the N*SONIC," Aragorn drew in a dramatic breath, "they were once pop stars.but now-"
"WE JUST WANT TO DANCE!!" a shrill voice echoed throughout the theater. All of a sudden the bottom set below them opened the curtains to reveal the setting for an N*SONIC concert. The four remaining pop stars were standing with linked arms and head sets in the middle of the stage. The spotlights were taken away from the LOTRs actors and put on them,
"Cause were just want to get jiggy!" yelled one on the far left in a self promoting space suit.
"Aieieie!" They all screamed for no reason.
And the audience suddenly seemed to be full of nothing but teenage girls, jumping around and throwing their under garments on stage as the music began.
"We will get where we're going!" they began to do all those spiffy little dance moves that they do. The song was very techno-ey.
"They're singing the song from the next act!!" shouted Pippin in rage, "and it's techno!!"
"And there's no knowing where that is. But we'll stick together anyhow-because-because-because.weeeeeeeeee'reeee HOBBITS!!" the groups sang aloud turning in circles as a giant flaming "N*SONIC" sign lowered above their heads. Some panties hit them and burst into flames.
"No you're not you thieving bastards!!" Sam shouted, hanging his head over the side and shaking a fist. The other hobbits joined him.
"LET'S GET JIGGY!!" they stopped singing to do some sort of matrix dance. The techno music got even louder and pulsed throughout the stadium.
All of a sudden the ball of flaming underwear fell onto the face of the pop stars, which trigger the massive amounts of gel and flammable hair spray in his hair. He fell tot he ground screaming.
"You killed (um) Chris!" yelled the one in the space suit.
"You BASTARDS!" Added uh.AJ? Sure, why not.
"No, guys, he isn't dead, he's just struggling," replied Pollo Joe, giving a thumbs up from the side stage. Ashley ran up behind him and jumped on his back in rage, tackling him.
"You ruined it! Our play that we worked so hard on. You invited them to do a concert so that they would give you money, huh?!?!?!" Ashley was screaming into a microphone.
Everyone in the audience didn't seem to notice, or care. They just kept throwing underroos at the people on stage like they were appearing out of thin air.
The hobbits then deicided to go onto stage and fight them. But as soon as Elijah entered someone yelled,
"It's Michael Jackson!!"
Screeches and mountains of panties hit the stage. He tried to fight them all away, but before he knew it he was covered in them and having trouble breathing.
"Frodooooo!!" Yelled out Same dramatically, trying to dig his master out.
The N*SONIC people were still dancing wildly when Aragorn took the stage and began beating one with a sword prop. All of a sudden the rest of the fellowship ran onto stage and helped in the fight. They were confused and figured that it must have been their cue.
"YOU ARE OBSOLETE!!!" screeched Pippin and Merry as they too rushing into battle.
"I'm hit!" screeched Boromir, a flaming panty stuck to his face. He blinked it away, his eyebrows seared off. "Just kidding, I'm alive-" he was cut off by another pair of panties. Their will was to strong to blink away, so he fell to his knees, but did not give up. "I will conquer you..so help me I'll-" and then a flaming bra made him fall to the ground. "Must resist..the.pain-" he gasped to himself. And then he died.
Merry raced up behind the N*SONIC in the spacesuit and jumped on his back. He popped off his helmet and began beating him with it.
"Aieieieieieee!" Came the N*SONIC cry as the only other living one came to the astronaut's rescue.
"No.save yourself!!' choked the blonde one with large green eyes.Which were now crying blood but still.
"We can't let them win. They killed Justin-"
"I know." whispered blondie, taking a seventh blow to the head. His eyes rolled back and then he fell.
"Whhhhhhhhhyyyyyy?!!?" shouted the last member before he was buried in a pile of flaming panties.
"Look, I'm white!!" yelled out Gandalf, racing onto stage as Sam managed to free Elijah. They all just stared at him in silence.
"I know it's obvious. Screw you to hell!" he called out before exiting.
"Argh!" shouted Elijah (all pirate-y like) as he raced over to Pollo Joe still being beaten up by Ashley. He tried to pick Pollo Joe up by his collar but he wasn't tall or strong enough for that so he just sat on him and pinched Pollo Joe's nose with all his strength.
"ARGH!" (so he joins in the pirate-ness) Pollo Joe thrashed around but wasn't able to free himself.
"Why did you do it?!? Was it because of the money?" Elijah shouted.
"No.It had nothing to do with the money.They were supposed to brain wash you.ALL OF YOU!! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM EVEN SING FOR THIRTY SECONDS!!!" Pollo Joe yelled. "I was going to rule the world!!!"
"Ahhhh!!!" Elijah screamed, getting ready to punch him. All of a sudden applause and shouting filled the theater.
The audience was back to the original viewers, convinced they had just seen the best play in the world. All of the teenage girls were standing on top of them, you see, and they weren't able to see anything. But now they had left because N*SONIC was gone.
"Brilliant!!" shouted a man in the front row, "the biggest twist on a play I've ever seen!!" Everyone shouted similar things.
Elijah was frozen, staring blankly at the audience. The rest of the fellowship looked at each other and then slowly began to bow. Our Frodo stood, amazing at the roaring of the crowd. Pollo Joe got up behind him and ran away.
Elijah walked timidly to the center of the stage and began to bow between the hobbits. They all motioned for the people on the sides of the stage to come up and bow with them.
Ashley stood an dusted herself off, walking to the front-center with Jenni.
"And that's all.for Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet!!" Ashley shouted into Elijah's microphone clip, after bowing.
Are you frightened? Perplexed? Confused? Bewildered? Hungry? Itchy? Crying?
Feeling the urge to set your panties aflame and murder a pop idol?
If so, call this number: 1 800 I DEVOTE MYSELF TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND DECLARE MYSELF UNDOUBTEDLY INSANE.
We will take good care of you, and don't worry. It doesn't devote you to a mental institution or force you to declare yourself insane. There are no hidden charges, just clever ones, and if you call now, we'll give you a free squeaky duck.
Now.wouldn't you feel better with a squeaky duck?
By: Ashley Benjmain
NOTE: Now it's time for me to state the obvious. *sigh* Well, this story concerns the actors, and as much as we'd like to believe it, this didn't actually happen. These are not the actor's words, they're mine. The characters that they play are based on the book by JRR Tolkien. Blah blah blah.The only character that is an original of mine is Pollo Joe, and if he intrigues you, then you can go read some of my original fics that have him in there. Stir, let cool, enjoy.
"Never. Never, never, never, never!" Cried the voice of a certain * sexy * elf. "I refuse to wear that. Look at it! It's so...well, pink."
"Please Orli! If you don't wear the costume we'll never be able to carry on with this first show. We all put so much work into creating Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet. Don't take it from us now.
Look, Viggo has agreed to wear tights, and he's rugged. You aren't rugged, you're the sexy elf," pleaded Ashley, the stage manager. She had been doing this all morning; everyone had a problem with their costumes.
"Okay, I get the sexy part....But-but...IT'S PINK FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!" Orlando Bloom took the fluffy mass of pink into his arms and glared at it as Ashley flipped through the pages of her clipboard.
"Pink is sexy. We took an online poll at the web site, and people voted that pink was the sexiest color," stated Ashley like it was common knowledge. After a silent moment Orli turned.
"The things I do for my career," Orli muttered as he walked away towards the dressing room.
A tap on her shoulder startled Ashley. She turned to see Jenni, the make-up artist and set designer.
"We've got a problem," she said with a sigh, "come with me."
"What is it this time?" Ashley asked as they briskly walked down a dark hall, toward the hobbit dressing rooms. Jenni pointed silently into the doorway, where Dom and Billy were arguing.
"I'M the cute one. I should be the most colorful," Pippin tugged on one side of a flashing costume as Merry tugged the other.
"No you're not. Just because you're the youngest hobbit it doesn't make you cute. I should wear it, it was made for ME!" Merry gave it a hard tug that made Pippin stumble. They both then noticed that Ashley and Jenni had entered the room.
"Tell him to give me my costume," they both shouted in unison.
"Pippin, wear your assigned costume. Isn't yours cute enough?" Ashley inquired.
"It's red. Why does Merry get to be colorful, and I have to be RED?" Pippin said as he released the costume. Merry tumbled.
"Yours is just fine, Billy," Ashley stated, walking out of the room.
Jenni turned towards them with her arms crossed.
"Who's feet do I have to put on still?" She asked. Merry raised his hand, feeling triumphant.
"I have a question," Merry said, "If we've got on our prosthetic feet, how are we supposed to put on our tights?"
"Ummm...We'll have to cut the feet part off," Jenni thought aloud.
"Huh? What is that? Partly tights-partly...FEET. That won't work. Go talk to the costume designer." Pippin crossed his arms.
"I can't, she left already." Jenni blinked and turned to put on Merry's feet.
"So...we're doing a ballet, in giant rubber feet, with cut up tights and fuzzy bathing suits with capes?" Pippin stated more than asked.
"Go put on your bathing sui- I mean, costume." Jenni ordered, applying glue to Merry's feet. Pippin walked out mumbling.
"Mr...Um...Pollo?" Elijah called as he weaved in and out of the people and pieces of set and props. He was looking for the director, who was busying himself, sniffing at fake hobbit feet.
"Answer me this, my sexy little man. Why do you have all of your toes, and I only have four?" Pollo Joe had acquired a French accent (just for this story!).
"I.um, don't know, sir. But I'm having a problem with my costume and-" Elijah said, studying the odd director that had hardly talked to him about anything but feet.
"Go ask Ashley or Jenni, my sexy little man," Pollo Joe then paused, proceeding to bite off one of the toes.
"I don't think they can help me much with this. I.uh.was wondering if I could," Elijah tried to carry on with his sentence, while watching the man eat a prosthetic foot, "wear what I wore in the movie. And I could wear tights instead of-"
"No."
"But my costume is-"
"You will wear the thong and dance, DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN WITH NO LEGS!"
".My costume isn't a thong."
"It is now.my sexy little man."
"Yea.Listen, you're really freaking me out with that sexy-little-man-thing, so could you just call me Elijah?" Wood felt sick as Pollo Joe swallowed the last toe and began licking the bottom.
"Are you rugged?" Pollo Joe blinked.
"Uh.No."
"Are you a sexy elf?"
"Nope."
"So, you are a sexy little man. I resent your steam-fried carrots, and your bunnies have been rejected. Now be gone.my sexy little man."
Elijah decided to run. Run really, really fast and put on his costume, thanking God it wasn't a thong.
"Ashley?" Sam said quietly as he approached a very exhausted stage manager. Ashley turned slowly, knowing what was coming. Sam was the only one who hadn't complained about his costume yet.
"I'm supposed to be humble. I don't feel humble," Sam tugged at his brown bathing suit.
"You look fine, Sean. You're VERY humble," Ashley, who was half listening, began flipping through her clip board again.
"I look like a turd. A massive, massive turd. Turds aren't humble."
"Only if you believe," Ashley stated before walking away, not knowing what she'd responded to. She then bumped into Gimli.
"I know that you told me that gray made me look buff, but I really think that I should have periwinkle. Gandalf's is periwinkle, and he's SUPPOSED to be gray. It's Gandalf the Gray, not Gandalf the Periwinkle." He seemed like he wanted to say something more, but Ashley sighed.
"The show starts in five minutes. I'd love to have you switch suits with Gandalf, but I don't think that it will look right. I'm sorry that this movie set is this low budget, but gray will do," Ashley stood and began walking away again, calling, "remember.You're the BUFF one."
4 mins to go.
Pippin ran out of his dressing room, screaming. This forced everyone to stop and look that way. Merry came stumbling out of the room, a look of shock and disbelief on his face. They had both been dressed for a while. Jenni followed quickly behind Dom.
"I think that there is a.badger in there!" stuttered Jenni as everyone began prodding them both with questions. Billy was hiding in the corner, his arms covering his own head as Elijah attempted to calm him down.
Everyone all at once panicked, except for Ashley, Elijah, and Pollo Joe, who were all to incredibly confused to panic correctly. Then Pollo Joe figured that dancing in circles looked fun, so he started. But because he was missing so many toes (six to be exact), he fell and scrambled around down there.
3 mins to go.
"It's just a badger-" Elijah was cut off by the screams of everyone back stage.
"We're all going to die!" Screamed someone with a heavy English accent, a small girl who was strangely familiar sounding, "you're all going to die down here."
Orlando at this moment had just walked out of the dressing room, still brushing his glorious blonde hair, "I heard something about badgers and I-"
"AHHHHH!!!"
".We need to get it out of there," stated Ashley, knowing how scary badgers were. She slowly opened the dressing room door, peering inside. She gasped at what she saw.
Sam was sitting on the floor of the room, cross-legged. He looked frightened and pale. Across his forehead was written the word "BADGER" in coral pink lipstick.
"I-I can't put on my own make-up. I-I thought I could handle it, but Jenni still had Billy to do, and the play is going to start in.two minutes now. I-I-I." Sean then broke down into tears and curled into a quivering ball on the floor.
"It's quite allright everyone, it was only Sam!" Orlando screamed at the mass of horrified people.
"ACTORS WHO ALREADY HAVE THEIR MAKE-UP AND ARE IN SCENE ONE, RUSH TO ENTERANCE 4," Ashley screamed in blind disarray. As everyone rushed in different directions Ashley grabbed Orli's sleeve. Jenni pushed past them both, dragging Billy and rapidly applying make-up.
"Jenni, forget about Sam. He'll have to come in on the next scene. Legolas, fill in. BE SAM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Ashley pleaded more than ordered. Orlando looked as though he were going to object, but then he sighed.
1 minute.
"First pink and now this, I hope you know that I'm going to need loads of therapy to get over this," with that Orlando rushed away.
"I'm a badger.I'm a badger.I'm a badger." whispered Sean and he shook and rocked back and fourth on the floor.
"You know that when you jump out of closets, you do appear to be a badger," replied Jenni with wide eyes.
"Billy, I need you NOW!!" screamed Ashley racing towards him and dragging him behind her.
"I've only got one foot on!! Ashley, stop!!" Billy pleaded as she threw him into the middle of the stage. Elijah and the other hobbits, including a strangely tall and pink one, followed tediously. Billy scrambled to his feet.
"Oi.Frodo," stuttered Orlando, blinded by the stage lights. There wasn't a single sound in the entire building. There was a silent pause.
"Oi-yourself.there, Sam," Frodo weakly laughed and swung his arms. There was another pause.
"Wuh.where am I?" Billy began rubbing his head.
"What's the lines?" Dom mumbled out of the corner of his mouth. They all heard someone drop their cup at the back of the auditorium. Cups can echo REALLY loud.
"Pollo Joe never clarified what they actually were.um.wait-the introduction, INTRODUCTION!" Elijah mumbled his thoughts aloud. "WELCOME, friends.family.fans.critics-get out," Elijah laughed alone and swung his arms. The other "hobbits" followed suit ten seconds late. Frodo cleared his throat. "Welcome to Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet!"
A man in the audience raised his hand.
"A-a.question?" Elijah said with bewilderment, pointing at the man.
"If it's a ballet, why do you have to tell us that it's a musical? Ballets always have music in them. Can't we figure that out for ourselves?" He replied as he stood.
"Well.I suppose, but I-we-didn't come up with the tittle-" Elijah looked at the others behind him, as if looking for help.
"OPRESSERS! RACISTS! RAPISTS!!!!" Shouted the man. The others stood as well, throwing their fists into the air and shouting similar things.
"What?! No!" Elijah took two steps back and looked in awe at the angry crowd.
"A silent ballet!!!" shouted Orlando. Everyone stopped to listen, "where I come from, there are, uhhhhh..silent ballets and they aren't musical. We felt we should clarify to make me.er.the other actors feel at home. It goes like this," gulped Lego-I mean Sam. He began twirling and tapping his foot in no apparent attempt to arrange himself. He then stopped, flinging his arms out and saying "taaa-daaa!"
After a moment the man who had first raised his hand looked around. "Allright then. Why didn't you say so?"
Everyone sat.
"Enjoy the show," screamed Dom. Billy, who had hit the stage floor really hard, began doing a bit of a riverdance. Dom exited with the others, but then returned to pull him off stage. Everyone clapped as they winded past the mounds of stage props and stage crew back stage.
"Oh GOD that was a disaster," Elijah began telling Ashley, following her as she checked off stage props on her clip board.
"Nonsense, they loved you. You're a very talented improviser," Ashley said, half listening again.
"No they didn't.They called me a rapist, Ashley," Elijah stated, stopping. Ashley turned and began to retort, but Jenni came running up.
"We've got another problem. It's Sam," she breathlessly said. Ashley gave Elijah a sympathetic look and then followed Jenni.
Frodo sighed and looked down. Suddenly, he felt two hands on his shoulders.
"There you are, my sexy-little-man," smiled Pollo Joe, "you were like a feather in the wind at a pig wrestling tournament. When the grapes soften, you must jump on them until they learn their lesson. Don't let it happen again, my sexy-little-man," he spanked Elijah once and began walking away. Elijah jumped and turned around, finally deciding that he just found out what scared him more than anything else in the world.
"Peaches PEACHES damn you!" screamed Sam as Ashley and Jenni entered the room. He was face down on the floor, lipstick in one hand and Billy's left prosthetic foot in the other.
"He's been like this since you left. He won't let me touch him. I can't wipe off the "BADGER"." Jenni said, lifting up a sponge and jumping at Sean. He looked up and rolled away. Jenni clutched his arms and after a great struggle she yelled for Ashley to come and help. With Ashley holding Sam's head she wiped away the word.
Sam blinked and then shook his head. "Hullo Ashley. Have I been going insane? Quite sorry about that. Can I go onto stage now?"
"Ummm.we've still got 2 minutes. Jenni, please find Billy, and worry about Sam after the next scene," Ashley stood and Jenni nodded.
"Sorry Sam, you're going to have to sit this one out. Scene 2 lasts for about ten minutes." Ashley gave him an apologetic smile and rushed out of the room, side by side with Jenni. They separated when Jenni spotted Billy going towards the bathroom.
"I need to pee!!" cried Pippin.
"No time for peeing! You should have thought of that before you took this job!" Jenni cried out as she dragged him towards his dressing room.
Ashley turned, suddenly face to face with Elijah
"What's wrong with Sean?" Frodo said, leaning back a bit.
"He was.um.delirious. Listen, can you go tell Orli that he's going to have to stand in for Sam again for this next set? I need to go and make sure that our director hasn't tried to eat everyone's prosthetic feet. Tell him that Jenni will see to him about his feet. Go! Run!" she commanded before running away herself.
She found Pollo Joe with one minute to spare. He was half way into Sam's extra left foot. "Pollo Joe! We need those!" she tried to snatch it, but Pollo Joe snarled.
"It's making them grow back, look!" he screamed, shoving his foot into Ashley's face. The mangled empty spaces where toes once were made her feel sick. She grabbed her mouth and closed her eyes.
"Oh God, HAVE IT!!" she yelled, gathering up the other remaining feet and walking away. "Stay away from my sexy-little-man!" Pollo Joe called after her, he then began singing to the foot in his hand, before eating a pinkie-toe.
Meanwhile.
"Jenni?" Called Legolas, peeking his head into Merry and Pippin's dressing room. Jenni had just finished with Billy's feet and she looked up. Pippin ran away, screaming something about a damaged bladder.
"Elijah said that Ashley says you can give me some feet," Orli sat down on the floor facing Jenni. "Feet me."
"I can't do it in less than a minute.uhh." Jenni began scanning the room. Sam was playing solitaire in a far corner, facing the wall. He wasn't speaking to Legolas currently for taking his part.
"I'l1 just do the best that I can," Jenni smiled. Suddenly her eyes fixated on some slippers in the far corner near some props. They were massive bear feet. Orli caught on.
"How am I supposed to stay in character with those on?" he smiled, hoping she was joking.
"Be a super-hairy hobbit," Jenni giggled as she retrieved the feet and put them on Legolas, "an angry, tall, pink, super-hairy hobbit."
"Isn't he supposed to be playing Sam?" objected Sean before Orli could, still facing the corner. "I could just put on the bear feet and pretend to be a big, dumb, oaf in tights. ARE YOU OFFENDED?!? HUH?! How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeel?!? PEACHES!" Sam suddenly stopped himself, out of fear of going insane once again.
But Orlando still didn't get a chance to reply, because Ashley burst into the door.
"On stage now.bear-man?" Ashley laughed. Jenni joined in.
"This is the best I could do. Just think of him as exceedingly hairy," she smiled, pulling Legolas up. Ashley dragged him toward the stage entrance. The other three hobbits were already there.
"Go in there and be like the canary is to the fountain!" Ashley called as she rushed away.
"They're all hopping mad," uttered Elijah as the stage lights hit the set before them. Applause was followed by happy, jumpy music.
Gandalf skipped onto the set, followed shortly(ha ha!) by a stumbling Bilbo.
"Oi." Bilbo nodded towards Gandalf as he took out a small, golden ring. The light on the stage turned blue.
"Give it here, Bilbo," the wizard said very forcefully. The music got intense and scary.
"I've got goosebumps!" yelled out a man in the audience. Elijah recognized the voice as the man that had stood up in objection to the tittle.
"No.It's minnnnne!!!" squealed the hobbit, jumping onto a table. The lighting turned red as he danced a bit.
All of a sudden, a naked Pollo Joe streaked across the stage. The hobbits stood in terrified silence as he ran past them. The two on stage were now uncomfortable.
"Ummmm.here take it. And give it to my naked-I mean-ass, no, I mean streaker- NO!" Bilbo just threw the ring at Gandalf and ran off stage in tears.
"Ummmm.I, uh, have the ring of dick! AGH! I mean-POWER, I HAVE THE RING OF POWER!!" With that Gandalf looked towards the side entrance, seeing Elijah. He slowly entered the set as the light turned green.
"Where did Bilbo go?" Frodo said, trying to remember his lines.
"He-uh-look at this!" called Gandalf, obviously trying to do the same thing.
"It's a ring," Frodo stated, trying to appear curious. He reached out for it. Gandalf pulled it away, He seemed as though he were going to say something when Pollo Joe, nude as the day he was born, walked onto stage.
"You are not following my instructions!" He called his back to the audience and his hands on his hips. They both tried to concentrate on the faces in the audience.
"Mr. Joe.we're in the middle of the scene. I-" Elijah fumbled with words.
"YOU aren't doing as I instructed. NOW DO IT," Pollo Joe's eye began to twitch.
Elijah sighed and started flapping his arms.
"I'm like a bird," he sang unenthusiastically.
Pollo Joe laughed and clapped his hands. "Louder my SEXY-LITTLE-MAN!!"
But Elijah sang only one more line and then stopped. "Please go. Leave and get hit by a car."
Pollo Joe skipped off the stage.
Elijah grabbed the ring from Gandalf and ran off the stage. Gandalf slowly exited as well. The lights dimmed and the curtains drew across the stage.
Confused and scattered applause filled the room.
Suddenly the curtain drew back and there stood Merry, Pippin, and "Sam". But for the first few moments, everyone was too astonished by the set to notice there were people there. Glittery pink palm trees scattered the stage. Everything seemed to be covered in glitter, from the royal purple astro-turf below them to the giant elephants painted in the distance.
The three hobbits seemed just as surprised as the audience.
"THIS is the forest scene?" Orlando muttered to Merry.
"Roll with it." gulped Pippin.
"Where could Frodo have gone?" Merry cried aloud, returning to script.
"The party isn't over yet," Pippin said as quiet techno music began to play, as if from a distance.
Elijah suddenly ran onto set. He opened his mouth to speak his lines, when he suddenly noticed his surroundings. He looked out to see Jenni standing by the entrance giving an enthusiastic thumbs up.
"Oi! I have to leave the shire. I'm to go tonight. I'll miss you all. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye," Frodo sang and put a hand on Pippin's shoulder.
"Leave the shire? You're not going anywhere without us." Merry replied, quite stubbornly. They all three looked at Orli, to signal him.
"I love you," 'Sam' said quickly. All four of them heard an angry yell from Sean backstage.
"That's great, Sam." Frodo stuttered after the crowd gasped, "I think you're a good friend too." He laughed weakly and patted 'Sam's' shoulder (he had to reach up), "Follow me everyone."
They began walking when Pippin fell, which caused Merry to fall.
"It burns!" Pippin screamed as the curtains fell across the stage.
Two minutes later the curtains opened, revealing them to be standing in front of a glittery, high gate. Pippin and Merry were both rubbing their glittery, bloodshot eyes. From head to toe they were covered.
All of them started a strange dance that stopped when they all had their backs to the audience.
"However shall we get in?" sang out Frodo as the music grew happy. He jumped and turned, smiling at the audience.
"This gate is big and tall," added Pippin, doing the same.
"We could never climb this!" crooned Merry.
"For we are oh so small!" vocalized Orli, who wasn't actually small at all.
"And its one of the great big, great big, things to over come," they all sang at once, stepping sideways and flicking out their fingers. "But we can do it, do it, do it one by one!"
*******At this point..you can make a decision my friends. You may continue to the shortened version, which lies just below. OR, you can go on to read the longer version, which lies just at the end of the shortened version. (look for the stars).Or you can read both, which I'm going to force you to do anyhow, so why not get it out of the way?******
All of a sudden the lights turned red, and Pollo Joe ran onto stage. This time he was wearing a large, black cloak.
"I am the dark lord!!" He cried at the audience. The music stopped.
"Huh?" Merry.
"This play is too long. Let's have the battle right now! Gimli! Boromir! Aragorn, or whatever the hell you call yourself.Everyone else, get out here!"
The rest of the fellowship came onto stage, looking scared.
"Fight me," smiled Pollo Joe.
Gandalf was the first to bite. He pounced Pollo Joe, biting his arm, and screaming about how he'd destroyed their play. The rest suddenly joined in, except for Elijah, who was afraid to touch Pollo Joe.
All of a sudden a bunch of bunnies ran onto stage and attacked Pollo Joe's toes. By this time he was shrieking.
Elijah turned and saw people changing the set. Suddenly he was standing before the Crack of Doom.
Sean, who was utterly delirious, suddenly pounced Frodo. "Give me the ring!!" He cried as his pupils dilated. Elijah suddenly understood. He needed to throw the ring that was around his neck into the crack so that everyone would know that the play was over and stop fighting.
The entire audience was now on it's feet. They had divided. Half of them seemed to think the Dark Lord should win. Most of the rest thought that he should lose, and the rest wanted the sexy, pink, tall hobbit to rule them all. So they decided to fight one another.
"Get off Sean!" yelled Elijah as they both fell to the ground. But it was no use. Frodo pulled the ring off of his necklace and put it on his finger, whipping Sam with the chain.
"PEEEEEEACHES!!! I NEED THE RING! THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE THE PARROT!!" Sam screeched and bit Frodo's eyebrow.
"AGH!!" Elijah screeched, shoving his palm into Sam's eye to push him away.
His eyes began rolling into the back of his head. "The good good vibes can keep on playing, playing!!" Sean yelled as he spinned away.
Elijah jumped up and dashed towards the Crack of Doom. Sean had jumped up too, however, and grabbed Frodo's ankle. He spun around and hit his back on the floor. Sam grabbed the finger that had the ring and bit it as hard as he could.
"OW! Dammit Sean!" Elijah yelled ripping his hand away and shaking it. "What the hell? We're you trying to bite off my finger?"
"AHA! AHA AHA!" He giggled in reply, coming into a cannon ball position and rolling away.
Elijah stood again and made his way to the Crack of Doom. He looked down to see one, red lava lamp inside. He shrugged and dropped the ring in. It clanged as it hit the lamp and fell to the floor.
"AGGGGGHHH!!!!!" Screamed Pollo Joe above all other people, "whyyyyyyyyy.iiiiieeeeeeee!!!!" he carried on.
The people who were fighting him ran away, leaving him twitching on the floor.
"Tell.tell my followers.my-muh.minions." he whispered, coughing and scratching as Elijah slowly walked near him. "Tell them that.the Crack of Doom is a dumbass name.and.and it sounds like an angry, dangerous, butt." He gasped for air and continued, "it's like "what the hell" because you think you're going to walking into the cave and be farted on.The Crack of Doom.beware the after-gas of the Dark Lord's burrito. Tell Milton that he's fired for coming up with it." All of a sudden his head rolled to the side.
"One more thing." He suddenly whispered, just as Elijah was about to walk away. "Come closer."
Elijah got onto his knees.
"Closer."
He leaned forward a little bit.
"Dammit! Closerrrr."
Terrified, he leaned in even nearer.
"What the hell is it with you people? When us dying people want to have a last word, we don't want to have to speak loudly. We need you to be able to hear us. I'm not going to eat you, I'm almost dead. You suck. You suck almost as much as the name the Crack of Doom." He whispered, his eyelids fluttering.
Elijah leaned in, merely inches from Pollo Joe's face. The room was stunned to silence.
All of a sudden Pollo Joe reached out and grabbed the back of Elijah's head pulling him into a kiss. He struggled and flailed his arms. He was scared and crawled backwards, to horrified to speak as Pollo Joe's head rolled back and the Dark Lord died.
"The end!" Legolas cried out to the stunned crowd. Slowly, the crowd exited. Some people from back stage came out and pulled Pollo Joe away.
"I think this was our last show," Pippin stated as people began leaving the stage. Jenni, who had come out to fight, jumped up onto Legolas' back.
"Carry me," she ordered, as the bunnies followed her. About four of them sat on Orlando's shoulders. They left.
"I hope so," sighed Sean, who had come to. He helped the silent Elijah up and guided him off stage.
Meanwhile...
"Bwahaha!" giggled somebody in a black cloak, locked in an extra dressing room. They drew away their hood, revealing the face of Pollo Joe. Quickly, a hand came up to the chin and pulled off a perfectly shaped mask. Ashley giggled as she took off the cloak and hung it up in the closet.
"I like this play," she smiled as she walked out to greet the rest of the crew.
THE END..Or is it?
****************
"Lo there!" Yelled a hobbit, scurrying up to the other side of the gate, holding a lantern. "What brings you to my gate. I can only wonder, only contemplate," he sang in a very low voice for his size.
"Please good sir we're tired. We beg you'll let us in," answered Frodo.
"We mean you no harm at all, and our time is running thin!" followed Merry.
"Then you may come and join me, let me show you our good town. But you may come to notice I'm not the only one around!"
"And it was the first of great big, great big, things to over come. But if we try hard, try hard, we'll do it one by one." They all finished and marched as they followed the gatekeeper.
The curtains fell and they disappeared off stage.
Sean Astin came running up to them. He was fully in costume. "I get to be Sam now!!!"
"Great," smiled Orli, kicking off his Bear slippers and going to get ready for his next scene.
Pippin and Merry ran to go wash off their faces, and Frodo wandered around the mounds off stage props to get to the big main dressing room where Gandalf, Bilbo, Elrond, Gimli, and Aragorn all sat.
"You guys are doing.a good job," said Ian M. quietly. Elijah sighed and sat down, trying to recall the few lines they had put together from one practice. Just then Ashley entered.
"We can still do this," she said as she walked across the room and began flipping through her clipboard, "the next scene is where you go to the Prancing Pony."
"We didn't even get chased by the black riders," mumbled Elijah, examining the room.
"Oh, we were going to throw that in, but we have guest people playing the black riders and they haven't arrived yet. They should be here for the next scene. But we will have black riders if I have to tie a sheet around my head." Ashley smiled, "Pollo Joe said they are almost here."
"You trust that guy to do something responsible?" Elijah gasped.
"No, that's why I have black bed sheets and rope," she laughed and walked out of the room. Elijah followed as her heard the music come back on. They had to go back on stage.
Once he got to the side entrance he saw the other three hobbits. The music peaked and they all headed out.
For a second they were stunned by the set. It appeared to be a Motel 6 only the entire set was spray painted chrome. Through the windows they appeared to be under the sea. All of the extras in the bar were chatting to themselves. But they didn't have mugs, they had sporks and jars of mustard in front of them.
"May I help you?" asked Butterbur from behind the desk, leaning over the counter.
"We would like a room!" shouted Elijah.
"Spend your time in the bar while I get one ready for ya." The man smiled.
"Have you seen Gandalf?" asked Pippin. Sean elbowed him, that was Frodo's line.
"Oh.not for 6 months." as Butterbur said this the stage dimmed and the actors took their places. White lights all of a sudden blinked at them as they stood in the he middle of the bar.
The hobbits took longer than expected to respond. As a result the music that they were supposed to be dancing and singing to was ahead of them.
"We are in this bar," Elijah spun as the others nodded, "we're so small and they're so big."
"Seems we won't get to far," a discombobulated pirouette from Sam was followed by the hobbits crossing their arms and nodding again, "unless we all dance a li-ull jig!"
They all broke off into some sort of a river dance ballet thing.
"Rumm biddy bum bum biddy riddy bum. Rum for our tum tum tum," was the lyrics as they all approached separate tables and sat upon them.
"Oi, little hobbit. Do you know Frodo Baggins?" asked a rather tall man, leaning beside Pippin as the other three hobbits sang quietly in the bathroom.
"Ai, Frodo Baggins? Sure, here's right over there. He's my 2nd cousin, once removed on his mother's side!" Billy called out. This was Frodo's que to jump up onto the table.
"All please look at me," Elijah sang with a smile. The crowd seemed to be enjoying this. Sam and Merry jumped from their tables. "I have a story to tell. There's a song that plays over in your head and chimes just like a bell. It goes: Rumm biddy bum bum biddy riddy bum. Rumm in your tum tum tum." The hobbits were all swinging their arms and box stepping.
The people in the bar cheered a bit as the other hobbits sang with him.
"Rumm biddy bum bum biddy riddy bum. Rum in our tum tum tum!" Just as everyone began to join in, five young men entered the set. Their faces were painted black, but it was no mistaking them. They were the members of NSYNC! The crowd gasped in horror and begins to untie their shoes.
The music stopped.
"You came in early, we were supposed to finish our song," protested Elijah as he jumped down from the table and drew his sword. He didn't care if he wasn't supposed to, he wanted to chop off their heads. Aragorn ran in from the set however and began to push the hobbits up some stairs on the other side of the set. The lights followed them.
"That's not jiggy!" screeched one. (I don't really know names)
"Lets DANCE EM TO DEATH!!" shouted one of the others. When they started dancing the crowd threw their shoes. The extras all hit the ground. A Nike got one between the legs. He fell.
"They killed Justin!" screamed one.
"YOU BASTARDS!!" shouted some guy with sun glasses. They then ran off stage.
The lights moved up and on a second floor there was a set where the hobbits all sat on the floor. Except for Sam, who's head was out the window.
"Riiiiiicola!!" he shouted, giggling as it echoed.
"Sean!" shouted Billy. Sam turned with wide eyes and then took his place beside Frodo.
"Um, are you frightened?" Aragorn quickly shouted at Elijah.
"What?" he looked up from comforting Sam, "oh, yeah, I'm frightened."
".Not nearly fried enough-" Aragorn stopped, feeling like something wasn't right. The crowd was looking perplexed and angry.
"Those things down there.what were they?" said Merry, referring to the guest Black Riders.
"They were the Black Riders.the Nazgul.the N*SONIC," Aragorn drew in a dramatic breath, "they were once pop stars.but now-"
"WE JUST WANT TO DANCE!!" a shrill voice echoed throughout the theater. All of a sudden the bottom set below them opened the curtains to reveal the setting for an N*SONIC concert. The four remaining pop stars were standing with linked arms and head sets in the middle of the stage. The spotlights were taken away from the LOTRs actors and put on them,
"Cause were just want to get jiggy!" yelled one on the far left in a self promoting space suit.
"Aieieie!" They all screamed for no reason.
And the audience suddenly seemed to be full of nothing but teenage girls, jumping around and throwing their under garments on stage as the music began.
"We will get where we're going!" they began to do all those spiffy little dance moves that they do. The song was very techno-ey.
"They're singing the song from the next act!!" shouted Pippin in rage, "and it's techno!!"
"And there's no knowing where that is. But we'll stick together anyhow-because-because-because.weeeeeeeeee'reeee HOBBITS!!" the groups sang aloud turning in circles as a giant flaming "N*SONIC" sign lowered above their heads. Some panties hit them and burst into flames.
"No you're not you thieving bastards!!" Sam shouted, hanging his head over the side and shaking a fist. The other hobbits joined him.
"LET'S GET JIGGY!!" they stopped singing to do some sort of matrix dance. The techno music got even louder and pulsed throughout the stadium.
All of a sudden the ball of flaming underwear fell onto the face of the pop stars, which trigger the massive amounts of gel and flammable hair spray in his hair. He fell tot he ground screaming.
"You killed (um) Chris!" yelled the one in the space suit.
"You BASTARDS!" Added uh.AJ? Sure, why not.
"No, guys, he isn't dead, he's just struggling," replied Pollo Joe, giving a thumbs up from the side stage. Ashley ran up behind him and jumped on his back in rage, tackling him.
"You ruined it! Our play that we worked so hard on. You invited them to do a concert so that they would give you money, huh?!?!?!" Ashley was screaming into a microphone.
Everyone in the audience didn't seem to notice, or care. They just kept throwing underroos at the people on stage like they were appearing out of thin air.
The hobbits then deicided to go onto stage and fight them. But as soon as Elijah entered someone yelled,
"It's Michael Jackson!!"
Screeches and mountains of panties hit the stage. He tried to fight them all away, but before he knew it he was covered in them and having trouble breathing.
"Frodooooo!!" Yelled out Same dramatically, trying to dig his master out.
The N*SONIC people were still dancing wildly when Aragorn took the stage and began beating one with a sword prop. All of a sudden the rest of the fellowship ran onto stage and helped in the fight. They were confused and figured that it must have been their cue.
"YOU ARE OBSOLETE!!!" screeched Pippin and Merry as they too rushing into battle.
"I'm hit!" screeched Boromir, a flaming panty stuck to his face. He blinked it away, his eyebrows seared off. "Just kidding, I'm alive-" he was cut off by another pair of panties. Their will was to strong to blink away, so he fell to his knees, but did not give up. "I will conquer you..so help me I'll-" and then a flaming bra made him fall to the ground. "Must resist..the.pain-" he gasped to himself. And then he died.
Merry raced up behind the N*SONIC in the spacesuit and jumped on his back. He popped off his helmet and began beating him with it.
"Aieieieieieee!" Came the N*SONIC cry as the only other living one came to the astronaut's rescue.
"No.save yourself!!' choked the blonde one with large green eyes.Which were now crying blood but still.
"We can't let them win. They killed Justin-"
"I know." whispered blondie, taking a seventh blow to the head. His eyes rolled back and then he fell.
"Whhhhhhhhhyyyyyy?!!?" shouted the last member before he was buried in a pile of flaming panties.
"Look, I'm white!!" yelled out Gandalf, racing onto stage as Sam managed to free Elijah. They all just stared at him in silence.
"I know it's obvious. Screw you to hell!" he called out before exiting.
"Argh!" shouted Elijah (all pirate-y like) as he raced over to Pollo Joe still being beaten up by Ashley. He tried to pick Pollo Joe up by his collar but he wasn't tall or strong enough for that so he just sat on him and pinched Pollo Joe's nose with all his strength.
"ARGH!" (so he joins in the pirate-ness) Pollo Joe thrashed around but wasn't able to free himself.
"Why did you do it?!? Was it because of the money?" Elijah shouted.
"No.It had nothing to do with the money.They were supposed to brain wash you.ALL OF YOU!! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM EVEN SING FOR THIRTY SECONDS!!!" Pollo Joe yelled. "I was going to rule the world!!!"
"Ahhhh!!!" Elijah screamed, getting ready to punch him. All of a sudden applause and shouting filled the theater.
The audience was back to the original viewers, convinced they had just seen the best play in the world. All of the teenage girls were standing on top of them, you see, and they weren't able to see anything. But now they had left because N*SONIC was gone.
"Brilliant!!" shouted a man in the front row, "the biggest twist on a play I've ever seen!!" Everyone shouted similar things.
Elijah was frozen, staring blankly at the audience. The rest of the fellowship looked at each other and then slowly began to bow. Our Frodo stood, amazing at the roaring of the crowd. Pollo Joe got up behind him and ran away.
Elijah walked timidly to the center of the stage and began to bow between the hobbits. They all motioned for the people on the sides of the stage to come up and bow with them.
Ashley stood an dusted herself off, walking to the front-center with Jenni.
"And that's all.for Lord of the Rings the Musical Ballet!!" Ashley shouted into Elijah's microphone clip, after bowing.
Are you frightened? Perplexed? Confused? Bewildered? Hungry? Itchy? Crying?
Feeling the urge to set your panties aflame and murder a pop idol?
If so, call this number: 1 800 I DEVOTE MYSELF TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND DECLARE MYSELF UNDOUBTEDLY INSANE.
We will take good care of you, and don't worry. It doesn't devote you to a mental institution or force you to declare yourself insane. There are no hidden charges, just clever ones, and if you call now, we'll give you a free squeaky duck.
Now.wouldn't you feel better with a squeaky duck?