So Ha, The Arbiter rhapsody.
O.k. everybody, This is my first songfic, and I'm basically just screwin' around with it, so if you please, no flamers. You can flame if you want, but I'm just saying that it's not very nice...Ya know?
This is the slightly warped story of the arbiter, set to the Splashdown song "So Ha", hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Sue me, you shall not...
Hello, I am the Arbiter, and this is my story...
It all started one day, not long after the destruction of one of the sacred rings, by the demon, the one the call "Master Chief". I swear by the will of the prophets, that I will ensure him a slow and agonizing death. Even if it takes me a millennia...
Reaching upward
I'm earthbound
Daydreamer wake me up
I'd welcome the interruption.
My patience is wearing thin
On the ebb & flow
Yeah, well, I know I'm slow...
Soon after I had disembarked my capitol ship, The Pious Inquisitor, and set foot on the Covenant holy city of high charity, then I was greeted by that wretched whore Tartarus and his two bitchboys, um, I mean "second in command officers"...yeah, sure I do...They act like I, and everyone else for that matter, haven't seen the shower room security videos, oh but we have, we ALL have...
Hot-tempered and legally disturbed
I'm realizing that I am chronically spaced,
As long as I'm kept from laying hands on a weapon
Well then I think I'm o.k.
SO HA!
After the whore, I mean Tartarus, dragged me to the high council chamber, I prepared myself for the worst. Apparently I was right, for the second the crowd quieted down, the prophet of truth started bitching about some damn thing. To the best of my recollection, I believe it was about halos, er, maybe it was something about...uhhh...chicken pot pie...I dunno...
Be quiet I just need to hear myselfthink.
"Well, A fine crock of shit I've gotten myself into today" I muttered to myself. However, the prophet of mercy was throwing in his two cents by the time I realized that I needed to defend myself. So I says to him I says, "DO YOU KNOW HOW THE HELL HARD IT IS TO DEFEATE A FRIGGIN CYBORG SUPER-SOLDIER AND LIKE 200,000,000,000,000 FLOOD INFECTED COVENANT, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" And not to mention that god damned wise-ass bitch "cortana"!
Then the prophet of truth said; "Well, maybe you shouldn't have kept the difficulty on legendary thinkin' you're so damn great, huh?" O.o; ...
Loud and uncontrolled,
Totally aware that I know
But not enough to pull back
And let things go...
Anyway, like 3 frigging minutes later, after the prophets were done cackling on like country hens, that ass hole brute biatch stuffed me in these little handcuff things, and what do you know, they werelike these evil burning fire handcuffs of death...Pretty much like everything else that the covenant builds...
Pushing forward
Through Hell's ground,
Whirling in Sufi's dream
Pothering everything,
But the action I need to get through the ebb & flow
Yeah, well, I know I'm slow.
So, o.k. , get this, after the jackass is done burning my god damned arms off, and the little grunty bastereds, WHOM I ONCE TRUSTED MIND YOU, are chanting "her-e-tic, her-e-tic" do you know what he does? HE TAKES OFF ALL MY ARMOR! And I swear to my various gods he liked it to, perve. THEN, this huge-ass pointy thing just randomly flys out of the floor, and into Tartarus' waiting hands. Then I thing to myself, "Oh please, Oh please don't let that be some kind of kinky brute sex toy"...
High-strung and high-waisted
If I bitch it's not earnest,
I'm just unloading some weight.
As long as I'm kept from laying hands on a weapon
Then maybe you'll be o.k.
SO HA!
The next thing I know, that bitch is burning this freaky-deaky burny thing on my chest, and the pain is sooooooooo excruciating, I pass out, only to awake what seemed like a few hours later, being dragged by my arms to what I think looked like the tomb of the arbiter...
Shut up I just need to hear myselfspeak.
"Jesus tap dancing Christ! you poor bastereds took long enough" The prophet of truth's voice echoed through the chamber. "You may leave tartarus, and take your dirty, filthy, s.o.b. brutes with you." "But sir, I thought..." he barked. "NO EXCUSES DAMN YOU! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I HAVE A SQUAD OF HUNTERS TAKE TURNS FORNICATEING YOU WITH A RUSTY METAL SHALALE!" the prophet of truth so loudly bellowed. "Are you sure he wouldn't like that instead?" I questioned. "Oh I'll personally see to it he doesn't", he again muttered...
Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle,
and savor every morsel that I've been served.
It's all up to me
If I want to sit at the head of the table,
No excuse
I've just got to join everyone at the table...
Anyway, once baron von dicklick (a.k.a. Tartarus) left, truth and mercy, to my surprise, informed me that I was to become the arbiter. Ah yes, the arbiter, just one suicide mission after the other, lucky me...as if I didn't have enough problems already...
Reaching upward,
I'm earthbound
Daydreamer wake me up
I'd welcome the interruption.
My patience is wearing thin,
On the ebb & flow
Yeah, well, I know I'm slow...
The prophets theninformed me of the perils of being the arbiter, as if I didn't know them already, packed me a couple weapons, a cookie, a juice box, and sent sent me on my way, to quell some "heresy" down on some tiny-ass laboratory on planet Threshold, when one single capitol ship could effortlessly vaporise the pointless existence that is this "heresy",Oh, but no! We just have to save the precious holy oracle.
Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle,
and savor every morsel that I've been served.
It's all up to me
If I want to sit at the head of the table,
No excuse,
I've just got to join everyone at the table...
I just don't see why is it that those damned monitors can survive the destruction of an entire friggin' halo, but they can't live through one damn plasma cannon shot from a capitol ship. Honestly now, what's the worst that could happen? I suppose the paint could chip a little, but I still say we nuke now, and ask questions later...
It's all up to me
If I want to sit at the head of the table!
No excuse,
I'VE JUST GOT TO JOIN EVERYONE AT THE TABLE!
Well, there you have it, the story of my new life as the arbiter, at least for now, who knows? Maybe it won't be so bad, dare I say it could be fun? Only time will tell...
So what do you think? did ya like it? I won't know if you don't review, so please for the love of whatever God(s) you believe in, review! If you do, then the arbiter will do a little dance for you! -
arbiter: Wait, I don't remember agreeing to that...
Guilty Mc Spark: Arbiter, go to the corner.
arbiter: Awww, yes sir. -.-
Well, that about does it, so review you lazy bones!