For Leigh, because she asked. With thanks to Adrienne, for generously donating the best lines evah.
It was a beautiful day. Really, really beautiful. Sort of sunny and warm without being uncomfortably humid, the way the weather can be beautiful when it's not cold and rainy, or grey and raw. Or snowing. Sometimes it seemed like it never stopped snowing. But today it wasn't snowing at all. Today was so beautiful that Elliot Stabler decided to stop fucking around with his life and everyone else's lives, make an adult decision and stick with it for once.
Because every time he looked at his partner's lovely, dusky skin, almond-shaped, coffee-coloured eyes, full kissable lips and heaving breasts, he wanted to do all sorts of un-Catholic-like things to her. Why, oh why did he go and ask his wife to take him back? What could have possibly possessed him to utter such senseless words when everyone, everyone, knew that Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson were madly in love and meant to be together. Forever.
It was almost as if someone else was scripting his life and he was forced to simply read the lines without much thought or introspection. Odd.
Anyway, today on this beautiful day he, Elliot Stabler, was again in charge and he was making changes. Big ones.
"Hey," he said, looking over at Olivia. They were in the car on their way to apprehend yet another sex offender. Man, he was tired of doing that. It was so depressing.
"Yeah?" she said huskily, breasts heaving.
"There's something I've been wanting to tell you," he said, gripping the steering wheel manfully. Olivia's chocolatey gaze was inexorably drawn to his long, thick fingers. She felt her pulse quicken. So long, so thick. Her pants suddenly felt too tight down there. She shifted in her seat and licked her lips sensuously.
"What's that?" she said.
He took a deep breath and thought about everything he'd been holding back for nine, long years; all the powerful, emotional and, most importantly, sexual thoughts he'd been bottling up inside since the day he'd first laid eyes on a badly dressed and yet still oh-so-desirable Olivia Benson.
"You rock my world, you know that?" he said. And he meant it.
Olivia gasped and covered her face with her hands. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed out her emotional emotions.
"Pull over," she whispered. "Pull over!"
Elliot pulled over. Olivia flung herself into his arms, even though she was still wearing her seatbelt.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that!" she cried.
Elliot planted hot and yet tender kisses all over her face, which wasn't even covered in snot. He gently put his long, thick fingers under her quivering chin and gazed into her brimming eyes.
"Olivia Benson, will you marry me?"
"But what about Kathy?"
"Fuck Kathy! Fuck my whole family! I only married her because I knocked her up! My kids are grown up now. They don't need a father anymore. I want to marry you Olivia, and make lots of new, better, cuter babies with you!"
Olivia pressed her soft, full lips to his, and when she felt his member harden against her thigh, she knew he wanted her, too.
"Oh, God, Elliot! Me too! I feel exactly the same way! I hate Kathy! And your kids! They're so nasty and ungrateful! I'll give you babies. Lots and lots of babies!"
Elliot pulled back, fighting tears. His brilliant blue eyes were even bluer when they were all shiny.
"Is that a yes?" he asked throatily. He hated getting all emotional, but I dammit /I sometimes he just couldn't help it. This was one of those times.
"Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!" Olivia thrust her supple yet firm breasts into Elliot's muscular chest and kissed him like he'd never been kissed before. "I don't want to be sad anymore!"
"Me either! Being sad is just so, sad."
"Yes! And depressing. I don't want to be depressed. I want to be happy."
"I'll make you happy. So happy!"
"I know you will."
They kissed again, their tongues slipping and sliding against their perfectly white and aligned teeth.
"And no more angst!" she moaned.
"No! I hate angst. Never again!" he agreed.
"What about anger?" she asked seriously.
He thought.
"Well, sometimes anger is a good thing. Getting angry allows emotions to be released, thus permitting discussion in a healthy, safe environment."
She considered.
"Okay, but not too angry. And no more punching things, like lockers or sex offenders, okay?"
His large hands found her twin mounds of pleasure. She gasped as cars sped by them honking their annoyance.
"Sex offenders? Oh, I'm not going after any more sex offenders. That's too depressing. Tomorrow I'm going to work in a pet store."
"And I'm going to have babies!"
"God, I love you."
"Kiss me," she said.
He did. Happily.
News of Elliot and Olivia's impending marriage and joint resignation traveled quickly through the 16th precinct. So quickly, actually, that by noon a celebration and farewell party was underway in their honour. Everyone was very, very happy that the two unnaturally attractive detectives had finally got their act together because everyone knew how much they loved each other and were meant to be together. Forever. No one was the least bit surprised. Or disappointed. Or angry. At all.
"Well, like my Grandmother used to say when she was especially pleased, Fuck me in the eye socket!" poor, bald Captain Donald Cragen crowed, raising a glass of champagne. Everyone was gathered together in the bull pen, laughing and drinking and celebrating the wonderful announcement. It was like Christmas and St. Patrick's Day and Lent all rolled into one!
"Fuck me in the eye socket!" everyone yelled.
"Why don't we do this more often?" John Munch asked loudly over the festivities.
"Because we're all so fucking depressed!" replied unpronounceable name let's call him Fin.
"Oh, yeah. Right!" Munch downed his drink and grabbed another. "Thank God for Elliot and Olivia."
"No kidding! I just don't know what we're going to do around here for angst now."
"Didn't you hear? Dani's coming back!"
"Really?"
"Yeah. And she and Elliot made out!"
"Whoop whoop!"
"Maybe one of us will get a little action for a change!"
"I'll drink to that!" They both laughed.
Happily.
The marriage ceremony was, of course, perfect. Everyone came and had a wonderful time in a totally non-confrontational way. Casey got very drunk and caught the bouquet. Even Kathy and the kids came because they had forgiven Elliot for jerking them all around yet again.
"Are you happy, Elliot?" Kathy asked as she sipped at her wine and eyed a hunky-looking man seated alone at a nearby table.
Elliot gazed at his new bride, looking flushed and sexy as she talked with the guests. He was so glad he'd surprised her with the wedding vows he'd written himself. He'd never seen her cry so hard.
He couldn't wait to get her alone.
"So happy," he sighed.
"I've only ever wanted you to be happy, you know," she said. The hunky-looking man caught her eye and winked. Kathy flushed. It had been so long, so long, since she'd felt the heat of flirting and sex and raw excitement. Now that Elliot was getting on with his life, perhaps she, too, could test the dating waters.
"That's all I want for you, too!" Elliot grasped his ex-wife's slender hand. He smiled at her like a brother would smile at his sister, if they didn't hate each other.
"You and Olivia are so good for each other," she said, winking back at the man.
"We are," Elliot agreed. "I'm so glad you and the kids understand."
"They love you, Elliot. But, they're a bit spoiled and bratty, in their way. And they know I've always been completely threatened by Olivia's overt sexuality and emotional fragility. Plus, you can be such a dickhead."
"I know," he said. "Are we okay, though?"
"Better than okay." Kathy stood, smoothing down her short skirt. The hunky-looking man stood, too, smiling seductively. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I may get some hot monkey-love tonight."
And she did.
And Elliot was happy for her.
Elliot and Olivia had non-stop sex for three days. Each time his engorged, quivering member plunged into her slick wetness, each time he suckled at her taut, bronze nipples, each time her teeth grazed his smooth, muscled chest, they had simultaneous orgasms and screamed, simultaneously, "I love you, sweetheart!"
On the fourth day, Olivia greeted him at the door after his busy, yet fulfilling and non-depressing, day at the pet shop.
"I have a surprise for you," she murmured.
"I have a surprise for you, too," he said.
"You first," she said.
"No, you first."
"Uh uh."
"Yes."
"I think you should—"
"Just go!" he said a bit too forcefully.
Her eyes filled with tears.
"Oh my God, honey! I'm so sorry! I'm just a tiny bit stressed out. The bunny had a big litter today and we need to find someone to adopt them all. I don't mean to take it out on you."
"It's all right," she sniffled.
Elliot touched her cheek lovingly.
"Did we just have our first fight?"
"I think so."
"We okay?"
She nodded. She held out a white stick. He looked at it dumbly.
"This is your surprise?" he said.
"Yes it is… Daddy." She smiled and put his hand on her impossibly flat stomach and he finally clued in.
"Woo hoo!" He grabbed her around the waist and spun her. She made a sound like a whimpering puppy.
"What was that?" she asked.
"My surprise!" said Elliot eagerly. He opened his coat to reveal the cutest, fluffiest white puppy Olivia had ever seen. Tears filled her eyes as she took the ball of fluff in her arms. "It's a boy."
"He looks like a cloud," Olivia said.
"Yes, he does," Elliot agreed, for the puppy did indeed resemble one of those white fluffy cumulus clouds. Except he was smaller.
"Or, a marshmallow," Olivia continued.
"Uh…" Elliot didn't know how to respond to that. Marshmallows didn't have fur.
"I'm going to call him Marshmallow."
"…okay…"
"I love you so much, shnooky!"
"I love you, too, doodles."
"And we both love you, Marshmallow!"
"And we love you, baby!" Elliot said to Olivia's taut, toned stomach.
Everyone was happy. And this is not foreshadowing.
The next day Olivia had her first ultrasound.
"You're having twins!" shouted the technician as she passed the wand over Olivia's tanned and toned abdomen. "I'm so happy for you!"
Elliot started crying, but not because he already had enough kids.
"How can you tell so soon?" asked Olivia.
"What, are you questioning my ability?" asked the technician. "Look, two babies! Right there."
"Wow," said Olivia. "What are the chances?" she asked her husband. She loved thinking of Elliot as her husband.
"I already have twins with my first wife," he explained to the technician, not thinking about the fact that he would soon have six children. "They're fraternal."
"Doesn't matter," the technician said. "These are the kind of twins that are created when the father has very strong, manly sperm, and lots of it, and makes hot, passionate love to his wife for days on end."
Olivia blushed.
"Well, that would be us," Elliot admitted, not wondering how the hell he was going to afford six offspring.
"Oh, wait! There's another baby! It's triplets! One of each. And another boy," shouted the technician. "I'm so happy for you!"
Make that seven.
The months passed, as months do. Olivia didn't get very big, or swollen, or cranky, even though she was carrying three babies. She didn't even get morning sickness! Her back didn't hurt, she didn't get stretch marks and she could wear high heels. And, of course, she and Elliot continued to have sex and it was better than ever.
She and Elliot spent hours lying together, fingers entwined, talking about their life, their future and whether or not Cragen should get a toupee. They both agreed No.
Soon Olivia had very mild cramps and she knew the babies were coming. Elliot took her to the hospital where a nurse checked her out.
"You're fully dilated and ready to push!" said the nurse.
"Are you in pain, honey?" asked Elliot.
"Just a tiny little bit," said Olivia, looked flushed and lovely. "Not very noticeable. I don't think I'll need the epidural after all."
Three pushes and no episiotomy later, little Cory, Rory and Felicia Stabler were brought into the world.
"Wow! I could do that again!" said Olivia as she pulled on a pair of her snug pre-pregnancy jeans. They fit perfectly.
"I love you," said her husband.
"How could you not?" she replied. And it was true.
Olivia decided not to share her perfect, shapely breasts with anyone besides Elliot, but it was okay, because everyone knows formula is just as good as breast milk, and the babies slept through the night right away and were the most agreeable, adorable children anyone ever saw. Even Kathy said so.
Two weeks after their birth, Marshmallow waddled into the living room. He lay down and quickly gave birth to three adorable, fluffy white puppies. Boy, were Elliot and Olivia surprised!
"I guess he's a she after all!" they both laughed and the babies joined in.
The years passed, because that's what years do. Elliot and Olivia just got better looking with age, if that's even possible. Apparently, it was. Olivia loved staying at home and never got bored or irritated and she never yelled at her children the way some mothers do. The children's voices never sounded like nails on a chalkboard! No, their children were well-behaved, smart and full of non-destructive energy. And they never fought with each other!
One day, on a perfectly beautiful summer afternoon they were lying on their backs on a hillside, content to watch the clouds pass by overhead and reflect on how lucky and happy they were just to have each other. And the pet store. Olivia stretched and giggled. The giggle made Elliot think of bunnies. And rainbows.
"The clouds are so fluffy," said Olivia contentedly.
"Hmmm…" said Elliot.
"They look like…"
Don't say it, thought Elliot, then felt badly for thinking such horrible thoughts about his beloved wife.
"…marshmallows…" sighed Olivia.
"You're right, honey," he said. He leaned over and kissed her silky, golden brow. "You always are."
Their children frolicked and played on the hillside, reveling in the sunshine and fresh air and needing only their imaginations to keep them occupied.
"Do you think the twins will enjoy having babies around?"
"Hmmm?" Elliot rolled over and studied his beautiful wife with her perfect figure that he loved almost as much as he loved her mind.
She nodded.
"I'm pregnant. With twins!" She smiled serenely, even though she would soon have more children than she could shake a stick at.
"How could any one man be so lucky?" asked Elliot, even though he already knew the answer.
Only one man could be.
And it was he.
Elliot Stabler.
Happy?
You better be.
The End. Seriously.