What's this? A disclaimer? How did you know I wanted one?
Fuzzy Navel
"Another double fuzzy navel, barkeep," Marluxia called, holding his hand up, catching the bartender's eye. Receiving a nod, Marluxia let out a heavy sigh. This was turning out to be the worse week of his life. He was waiting for the company of his best friend, hoping she could bring his spirits up at least a little. They couldn't get any lower.
The young bartender walked over and set the orange drink down in front of the pink haired man, "Don't you think that you've had enough, Sir?" she asked, noticing the red rimmed eyes, three empty glasses and the way that he was tilting slightly to the right.
"Give the distracted diva whatever he wants. And everything's on my tab tonight, alright toots?" Larxene's money made an appearance before she did, a crisp 100 munny bill being handed over to the dark haired bartender. "And get me a triple sapphire gin on the rocks, light on the rocks with a lime wedge."
"Alright," the barista, Raine by the name on her tag said, "But only as long as you promise to let me call you a cab at the end of the night."
"Oh, don't worry," Larxene said, waving her off as she sat down next to Marluxia, "My limo will be waiting outside all night." As Raine went to retrieve her drink, Larxene eyed the small collection of glasses gathering there. "I see that you have resorted to my method of dealing with things."
Unable to restrain himself any longer, Marluxia let loose the tears that had been building behind his eyes all night, "She left me, Larx! She left me! And the girls! How could she do that to them! How could she do that to me?"
Nodding as Raine handed her the glass, Larxene took a sip before responding. "Well, she always was a bitch, and pretty damn selfish if you ask me, Frankly, I'm surprised that she stayed long enough to pop out three kids." Swirling the swizzle stick, Larxene watched her best friend, trying to gauge his reaction.
"How can you be so cruel? She is a great woman!" Marluxia wailed before taking a long drink of his fuzzy navel.
Larxene scoffed, "Marly, you're one hell of a man, but you're twice the woman she ever was or will be."
"Well, that doesn't bring my daughter's mother back," he sighed, exasperated, throwing his hands in the air over dramatically.
"It's not like she was ever there to begin with. She was always tarting her skanky little ass around that whore house she called a theatre." Larxene shrugged, downing her drink and signaling Raine for another.
"Whore house?" Marluxia questioned under his breath, "It was just a community theatre."
"It's the same thing. Whore house. Community theatre, both are full of desperate sluts begging to be fucked," Larxene said, taking her drink.
"What am I going to do?" he moaned.
Larxene slammed her glass down on the bar top. "God Dammit, Marluxia! You have to take your fucking skirt off sometime and pull on your big boy panties and grow a pair. You are all those girls have left and you have got to be the one to raise them." Marluxia looked over at her with wide blue eyes, tears still running freely down his flushed cheeks. "And since when did you become such a fucking pussy? Where is the super bitch I loved that gave me a run for my money?"
Finishing the last of his drink off, he looked down into the bottom of the glass. "He grew up and had kids."
"For fucks sake, that hasn't stopped me. And with the way that Rufus and I fuck like rabbits, I'm sure that it won't be too long before I'm knocked up again and popping out another little brat," she smirked.
Marluxia looked over at the blonde woman, and as soon as their eyes met, they both burst into laughter. "You were one scary bitch when you were pregnant."
Larxene just laughed in agreement, "Good, a smile. I thought I would have to resort to fucking my best friend to see one of those things again."
"Eww. I have to tell you, Larx. You don't turn me on in the least."
"And why the fuck not?" she demanded.
"Sorry, I just can't get it up for my cousin," he grinned, ordering another drink for both of them, which came instantly.
"Well, you should be able to," Larxene growled, "With a body like mine, I can turn even the gayest man on. Don't prove me wrong now."
"Some super fag I turned out to be," He scoffed, "I got married to and knocked up the same girl three times."
"Don't worry, you'll always be a super fag to me."
Snorting through his nose as he took a long drink through the straw, Marluxia looked over at his cousin. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should have just stuck to dating men. They were always easier to handle."
"Women aren't all bad. You just let that skank walk all over you with her strippertastic five inch heels."
Marluxia's mood dropped instantly again, "I still can't believe that she left. The girls are all still so young. I mean, Light just turned 5, Serah is turning 3 next month and Vanille isn't even three months old yet! How could she do this to us?"
"God dammit, Marly!" She exclaimed, punching him in the shoulder.
"Ow," he winced, rubbing the spot she hit.
"Don't you go turning all angsty and depressed and shit on me! Because then you'll start only wearing black, which totally doesn't go with your hair and I won't be able to raid your closet anymore!" Pausing for a moment, Larxene then lit up into a smirk, "On second thought, if you did go all goth on me, then your current wardrobe would need a new home, so yeah. Go ahead, turn all emo."
"Oh no dear. Black isn't a very maternal color you know. Though I do refuse to wear floral prints and skirts cut below the knee. They totally make me look like I have kankles," Marluxia chuckled, finishing off his fifth fuzzy navel, ordering another one without a second thought.
"I could totally pull it off with legs like these," Larxene said, hoisting her leg up and laying it across the bar, effectively knocking over the small remnant of her last drink. "Hey! Who do I have to fuck to get another gin over here?"
"That would be me, sweetie," Raine said, placing a drink down in front of each of them, "Though, I would settle for you just remembering to pay your tab when you're done."
"Whatever you say, dearie, you don't know what you're missing by passing her up," Marluxia grinned a wicked grin as he slung his arm over the blonde woman's shoulder.
Larxene just cackled, "This coming from the only man I've ever met that refuses to fuck me."
"With good reason too," he told her as his mood deteriorated once more. "How am I going to raise my girls by myself?"
"You're just going to have to fucking do it. And if you need any extra help, I can always hire you a nanny whore too," she shrugged.
"Aww, thanks Larxy. That's really sweet. You always know what to do."
"Yeah, and all it takes is a whole shit ton of gin and a little of my husband's money." She smirked again.
"Relm really does have a good mommy."
"Hell yeah, I'm writing my own parenting book too, didn't you know? It's going to be called 'How I stayed drunk and managed to find time to be a mom sometimes too'."
Laughing, the two then clinked their glasses together in a small salute before tipping the entire contents down in one long swig.
Shaking his head afterwards, Marluxia looked down into the bottom of his glass. "Okay, I think that I'm off the fuzzy navels for a while now," he said, his mouth and tongue feeling thick.
"Oh, you fucking lightweight. Can't hold your…" Larxene slurred before passing out cold, falling forward onto the bar. Marluxia just burst into more laughter, standing up. He was surprisingly still steady on his feet even if he did tilt heavily to one side. Slinging one arm under Larxene's arms, he hoisted her up before reaching down the front of her low cut shirt.
Raine had come over to see what was going on when she had heard the thud of Larxene passing out onto the bar top. Her grey-blue eyes went wide as she saw the pink haired man with his hand down the blonde woman's shirt. "Oh no, sir, you'll have to go somewhere else to do that," she told him with a slight blush.
Marluxia just smirked before pulling out a large wad of money from inside Larxene's bra. Before he could say anything though, Larxene mumbled, "Oh yeah, Rufus. You know what I like."
Ignoring the typical Larxene-esque comment, Marluxia handed over the munny to a shocked Raine. "This should cover the tab, your tip, and any mental scarring you may have after tonight." Turning away, Marluxia then began to stumble his way out of the bar, dragging a still unconscious Larxene out with him.
"Alright, Larxy. Let's get you into your limo so I can get home to my girls." Nodding at the limo driver who held the door open, Marluxia then helped get Larxene into the back seat. "Luxord has a point, Larxy. You're more of a man then I am sometimes," he muttered before falling onto her lap, joining her in her state of unconsciousness.
The driver looked in only to see the two of them dead to the world, collapsed on top of one another. Nothing was out of the ordinary tonight.
Hehehe
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