I would like to say that I own nothing but the plot. But a can't. Because even the plot is stolen… Well, sort of.
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Draco tentatively walked up to Professor Snape.
"Draco, dear favorite student of mine, you have to be tutored by Ginny Weasley because then you two will become friends and fall madly in love and make Ron angry," Snape said.
"But I don't wanna!" Ginny and Draco yelled at the same time.
"Oh boy, I hadn't thought of this. AUTHOR!" Snape yelled. The lazy author came down from the sky with her magical purple typewriter. "You rang?" she asked.
"They don't want to study together! Quick, come up with some reason why Draco has to be tutored by her," Snape bellowed.
"Um.." the lazy author wrung out her hands and stared around the classroom. "Draco, you're failing Potions!"
Suddenly the reader's head appeared in the fireplace in a puff of green smoke.
"But that doesn't make any sense!" The reader said, "Isn't Draco smart and supposed to be Snape's favorite? So he'd be doing well! And why would Ginny be tutoring him? She's in a different year!"
"Shut up!" Snapped the author, "Nobody listens to you unless you review!" The author promptly disappeared and floated back up to her magical castle in the sky.
"But I'm not failing Potions!" Draco screamed from several miles below.
"Stop yelling," hollered Snape, "The author is running out of synonyms for 'yell.' Now, you two will go study together and then become friends for some reason, and then it will turn out that Draco's father is forcing him to be a Death Eater but he really doesn't want to be, which is proven false by book 6…"
Snape trailed off as the author appeared in the middle of the room and started spitting fire everywhere.
"Do you really want me to tell your obsessed fan girls your whereabouts?" The lazy author who is running out of synonyms for the word "said" said.
"No, master," Snape said, bowing down in front of the almighty lazy author.
The author got bored and disappeared back to her castle.
"And then you two will fall in love and then Harry will defeat Voldemort because of the love of Hermione or Luna or Pettigrew or somebody, and thus the world will suddenly be void of Midnight Madness at bookstores and J.K. Rowling will be able to get on with her life," Snape continued.
This is the annoying paragraph where the author forgets that he or she is writing in past tense and switches to present tense, as well as makes several spelling and grammatical errors, and mixes up the words defiantly and definitely.
Ginny stormed back to the Gryffindor common room where she met up with her best friend, who is Colin Creevey for some reason, and cried about how much she hated Malfoy and how traumatized she was about Tom Riddle possessing her, which you think she might have gotten over in five years, but the more drama, the better.
Draco stomped back to the Slytherin common room where he met up with his best friend, who is Blaise Zabini for some reason and cried about how much he hated the Weasleys and about how sad he is that his father is forcing him to be a Death Eater but he doesn't want to be. Then Pansy Parkinson, who is a slut because nobody likes Pansy Parkinson, showed up, and suddenly the lights dimmed and Blaise Zabini got all pale and his nose fell off and they all started tap dancing to Thriller.
Meanwhile, a hundred feet up higher, give or take thirty eight, and on the other side of the castle, Ginny and Colin sat in Gryffindor Tower and looked through some of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's legal books that they had bought for defending a dementor who was being sued by the Witch King of Agmar (?) for stealing the general concept and design of the Nazgul. They found, sadly (for them), that there was no way for a fictional character in a story written by an obsessed fan of a series of books to sue said obsessed fan for forcing said fictional character to undergo things that said fictional character would not like to undergo in said story. Now say that ten times fast. To put it bluntly, Ginny can't sue me! HAHAHA! READ THE DISCLAIMER AND WEEP!
Here I would like to dedicate a moment of silence to the memory of the possible salvation of this story.
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The next morning, the author thought that the chapter was too short so she added what was going to be chapter 2 to chapter 1 to make it long enough.
The next morning, Ginny and Colin walked down to breakfast without Harry, Ron, and Hermione because they were in court defending the dementor, of course.
Now comes the time for the second annoying paragraph in which the author AGAIN forgets that they are writing in past-tense, and may sometimes even forget that they are writing in third person. I am greatly annoyed with these paragraphs. I am not as obsessed with grammar as Aunt Josephine of A Series of Unfortunate Events fame is, however I do like to read stories that are written in the same tense, with few, if any, spelling/grammatical mistakes. If you have Microsoft Word, USE IT! It has a spell checker! It is a wonderful product, and will receive 100 house points and special awards for services to the lazy author.
Meanwhile, 26 and one half miles away, Voldemort was stroking his kitty evilly.
"Mr. Twinkle Toes, soon all of the world will bow to the power that is me! Isn't that right Mr. Twinkywinky, who's the cutest wittle kitty ever? You are, you are!" Voldemort cooed. It was then that Lucius Malfoy walked up and cleared his throat.
The reader's head then appeared in the fireplace, only this time it was a different fireplace, again. "Um… Isn't Malfoy in jail?"
"DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU'RE NOT WANTED?" The author yelled from her castle in the clouds. The reader then promptly disappeared.
"Voldemort, my almighty tallest," Invader Lucius-
"Hey, since when is Lucius Malfoy an Invad-"
"SHUT UP!" The author screamed. "Bloody readers…" The author muttered because British words are so much cooler than American ones.
"Mr. Dark Lord, my-" Lucius started but was cut off when Voldemort turned into a giant glowing eye made of fire.
"Mr. Dark Lord Voldemort," Lucius corrected himself, as Voldemort returned to normal, though becoming a burning eye had singed his hair slightly. "My son does not want to become a Death Eater." Voldemort dropped the pizza he had previously been chewing menacingly on.
"He will. We will persuade him." Voldemort said.
"DAMN PIZZA BOYS! I TOLD THEM TO PUT ON SUPER DUPER EXTRA PEPPERONI! THIS ONLY LOOKS LIKE EXTRA!" Voldemort cried (the lazy author proudly beamed at this new synonym,) and threw the pizza against the wall, which for some reason was black and dripping slime.
Meanwhile, in a court somewhere…
"My client pleads not guilty, your honor," Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Attend-Law-School, said.
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts…
Ginny was sitting at a table in the library trying to tutor Draco. The only problem was that Draco already knew the material but Ginny didn't, as she was a year lower, however, the author thought that Draco failing potions was the only way the story could work, so, go figure.
"So, tell me about yourself," Draco said in an attempt to become Ginny's friend and thus fall in love with her quicker so that he could go back to his normal daily routine, of which this schedule has been made:
10:00 AM: Torture the Gryffindors
11:00 AM: Yell at Crabbe and Goyle.
12:00 PM: Lunch
1:00 PM: Torture the Gryffindors
2:00 PM: Practice Quidditch
3:00 PM: Torture the Gryffindors
and so on.
"Why should I talk to you?" Said Ginny, who had to play hard to get or otherwise there wouldn't be a story.
"Because… AUTHOR!" Draco yelled.
"Because, dear Ginevra… no, Ginevra's an ugly name… Virginia, you must talk to me for you are the sole reason my heart beats! I need to learn about you or else I will DIE of a broken heart!" the author said, dreamily, as she typed it in her magical purple typewriter.
"I AM NOT SAYING THA- Because, dear Ginevra… no, Ginevra's an ugly name… Virginia, you must talk to me for you are the sole reason my heart beats! I need to learn about you or else I will DIE of a broken heart!" Draco said, and then immediately threw a book at the author, who disappeared before Most Potent Potions could hit her square in the face.
Over the next few minutes, Draco and Ginny miraculously became friends because it was convenient for the plot. Then Draco found out that Ginny was still traumatized by the whole Tom Riddle and the Chamber of Secrets (not in any way affiliated with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) thing and that Draco was actually a good guy with an evil Death Eater for a father, which was proved false by book six, but the lazy author likes to live in her own little fantasy world in which Draco is actually a nice guy, Sirius is still alive, and Remus Lupin is single.
The lazy author yawned and stretched, deciding that now was an okay time to end the chapter, and went to sleep.
Unfortunately for the lazy author, she had several too many cups of coffee that day and could not sleep, so she decided to go on trying to write.
Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley were in very poor moods. The trial had proclaimed their client guilty, which, in retrospect, was actually a good thing because nobody likes dementors, but the three of them couldn't stand that snobby Witch King. In an attempt to cheer them up, Hermione commented that she thought she saw Eowyn, but the two boys were in too glum of a mood.
After a brief meeting with a psychologist, Harry and Ron had figured out that the root of their problems was that they were both in love with Hermione. Ron suggested that they have a jousting match to find out who would win her heart, and the date had been set for the sixteenth. In the mean time, the three of them were occupied with the fact that there was a very angry lazy author chastising them.
"HOW DARE THE THREE OF YOU TAKE THE SPOTLIGHT FOR TWO PARAGRAPHS? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME AND REMUS LUP- I MEAN GINNY AND DRACO! THE READERS DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, THEY CARE ABOUT-"
Here, the annoying reader decided to make yet another appearance in the fireplace, but in an attempt to score brownie points with the author, Harry quickly put out the fire before the reader had a chance to say anything.
The lazy author gave Harry a pat on the head and a dog biscuit, and floated back up to the castle humming the Phantom of the Opera song.
The week rolled by and it became very clear to Ginny and Draco that the tutoring situation was not working out, and they were not becoming friends despite what the author may have written about them sharing the reasons for their trauma in a previous paragraph.
It is here that the author will attempt to salvage the story by adding in random guest stars, the first of which is:
LASSIE!
Ginny and Draco were on their way to file a complaint to Severus Snape about the ungodly horrors they were being forced to undergo by becoming friends, when a collie stopped in front of them. It was not a peculiar collie in any way. It was just a normal, average, run-of-the-mill movie star collie. However, if you were on your way to file a complaint to your greasy-haired Potions master about being forced to become friends and fall in love with someone you hated, you would be rather surprised to see a collie in the middle of the hallway that lead to the dungeons.
"Who are you?" Draco asked, leaning down and staring menacingly at the collie.
"I am Lassie, Lord of all Canaries," the collie replied in the voice of Eddie Murphy because the author didn't know what Lassie's voice would actually sound like.
"If you're a collie, why are you Lord of all Canaries?" Ginny asked.
"My child, I would not expect for you to understand. I don't either. That is why I came here, as this is the last place the almighty author was rumored to be. I must ask her why my character is appearing in this story, and if she can tell me which way the white rabbit went." Lassie explained.
"Of course!" said Draco, "We must talk to the lazy author, not Snape!"
"But how are we to find the author?" Ginny asked, "And why is that dog following a white rabbit?"
Will these questions be answered? Probably! Will the answers make sense? Probably not!
Sneak preview of the next chapter:
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU MEAN?" Draco screeched.
"Would you like some coffee?" offered the lazy author.
"YEAH!" Ginny shouted.
"How about some tea?" the lazy author tried again.
"Yes please," said Lassie.
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" Draco yelled.
"No," replied the lazy author.
Ginny turned to the readers, and bellowed, "DON'T LISTEN TO THE AUTHOR! THESE LINSE DO NOT ACTUALLY APPEAR IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!"
The lazy author wandered around her kitchen, opening drawers, scolding said drawers, and closing them again, until she finally found what she was looking for. Just as Ginny was about to launch into another rampage about how she should not be forced to fall in love, and if the author would please, as a feminist, see her side of it, the author calmly shoved the pigeon into the girl's mouth and sauntered back to her magical purple typewriter.