Hello! This is my new story! As the title says, this is a little book of crack filled with the rather humiliating lives of different characters. Oh and if anyone is interested, I also have an Akatsuki, Inuyasha and Naruto book of crack. Haha, enjoy! Reviews are welcome!
Shiffer Ulquiorra- The pimple
He had to do this every morning. Every single morning.
Sighing Ulquiorra got out of bed and walked to his bathroom. First he put on his clothing and washed his face. Every morning he had the same schedule, get up, get dressed, wash face, put on makeup.
However, when he looked in the mirror today he was absolutely horrified to see the worst thing in the world on his perfect face. It was... it was... a pimple.
Trying not to freak out Ulquiorra began to think what a human would do in that situation, considering they had pimples all the time. He had seen a human scratch it once, so he decided to do the same.
After a few minutes of scratching he looked in the mirror again and almost screamed. It had turned into a full blown rash now, and for some reason it was all puffy. How was he going to show his face now!
After calming down a bit Ulquiorra took out his while powder. Maybe if he put on enough of it his rash would be unseen.
Taking a deep breath he took the little cotton material, covered it with powder and began running it over his skin. By the time his entire face was covered he was late. Yes, he had a complete schedule.
He had to leave the bathroom five minutes ago, what would his subordinates think if they saw him slacking off in the bathroom? Now it was time to apply the green stripe makeup on his cheeks.
Well, actually it was just bringing them out more because they were already there but they were very light and could barely be seen. However, when he began to put it on he hit a bump from the pimple that made his line go off a bit.
Poor Ulquiorra nearly swallowed his tongue but then choked on his spit then he heard someone calling him. It was one of his subordinates and he was worried why he was not in the place he was scheduled to be.
Thinking fast Ulquiorra turned on the shower and locked the door to make it seem like he was taking a shower. His subordinate walked to the door and knocked lightly.
To Ulquiorra it sounded like the most terrifying door knock in the existence of all evil. Just before the subordinate was going to say something Ulquiorra said, "I'm taking a shower; I'll be out in twenty minutes."
The subordinate was quiet for a while and then he said, "Ulquiorra-sama, I thought you took your showers in the evening."
Now Ulquiorra did something no one would think he would even do. He made a little white lie and said, "I have a mission so I can't take a shower this evening." The subordinate seemed to except that and left.
Ulquiorra turned the shower off and looked in the mirror again. Then he sighed and used some tissues to wipe the smudge off.
After he was done making his stripe perfect Ulquiorra walked out of the bathroom with another sigh. However, he froze up when he realized he couldn't show his face anywhere in Las Noches because he had said he had a mission.
So, he decided to go see Aizen and ask if he could go to the real world for the rest of the day.
At the throne room...
Aizen sat on his throne in boredom. When he first decided to be the 'god' he was he had no idea it was so boring. All he did was sit and wait for someone to come to him.
Luckily, his boredom was momentarily destroyed by the arrival of his favourite Espada, Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra looked like he usually did, but for some reason his face was more pale then usual.
Aizen ignored that for a bit and listened to what Ulquiorra was saying, "Aizen-sama, may I please go to the real world for the day?"
Okay, there were a couple of things wrong with this. Ulquiorra never said please, or may I. He usually said something like 'I wish to request to go to the real world.'
Aizen narrowed his eyes at his Espada, there must be something wrong. Ulquiorra never ever said something non stotic.
Ulquiorra stood quietly in front of Aizen and waited for a reply. Aizen, being the evil bastard he is, decided to torture his little Espada for a bit and said, "Ulquiorra, you look pale are you alright?"
Ulquiorra shifted under his gaze, meaning he had struck a nerve. After some thinking Ulquiorra said, "My apologies, I will try to look less pale tomorrow." Aizen smirked, he wanted to burst out laughing but he had to act 'cool'.
Then Aizen said, "No need to apologize, now why do you want to go to the real world?" Once again Ulquiorra shifted, but this time there was a definite little flinch. "I wish to observe the way humans interact with each other."
Aizen's smirk nearly turned into a grin when he saw his Espada's obvious lie. Ulquiorra never cared about humans, even if his life depended on it. After discovering the lie Aizen said, "Why are you lying to me Ulquiorra?"
Ulquiorra wanted to gape at Aizen in surprise, how had he known he was lying! Stupid white lie, it got him in trouble for sure. Looking down, Ulquiorra said, "Forgive me, I have a pimple."
Aizen looked at his Espada, while thinking something along the lines of 'They seriously need to get out more, this is just ridiculous.' Shaking his head Aizen decided to ignore the pimple comment and said, "You may go to the real world, but no more lying."
Ulquiorra bowed and then left, he was definitely never going to say another lie again. He thought he would die of embarrassment when he had told Aizen he had a pimple.
On Earth...
Now, what to do? Ulquiorra was at the real world, but he had no idea what to do. At first he just walked around and looked at humans as they worked. However, he soon got bored when he realized he had to spend the entire day here.
"Hello! I'm Orihime, you look lost are you okay?" said an annoying female voice beside him. This is where Ulquiorra should have turned and ran out of the area as fast as he could, but no instead he looked at the female.
She had long orange hair, a pretty face, and she was wearing a high school uniform. But wait, how could she see him? He stared at her blankly, thinking she was actually talking to someone else, but she looked him straight in the eyes, meaning she saw him.
Filling in the silence she said, "Are you alone or did you bring your friends?" Deciding to answer he said, "I'm alone." She smiled and then said, "Want to hang out with me?"
Hang out? Did she want you both to go hang yourselves? Did he really look that suicidal? Frowning he said, "No."
She looked hurt but then she said, "Wait, why do you have a hole in your neck?" Ulquiorra nearly winced and then said, "Its nothing." Now, Orihime ignored his previous 'no' and said, "I know a good coffee shop, let's go have something to eat!"
Then she grabbed his hand and pulled him into a shop. When he sat down in a chair beside her he wondered why he had went with her. He had clearly said 'no'.
She brought two pieces of cake to the table and gave him one. He looked at the thing in front of him, how was he supposed to tell her he ate souls?
Deciding to experiment a bit he took a bite out of the cake. It was like he had just entered heaven and his mouth was on love.
He looked at the female in front of him with something other then a blank stare. She looked at him and smiled, and then he heard the worst thing he could hear right now.
"Hey Ulquiorra, what's your ugly ass doing eating cake with a human girl?" He almost dropped his spoon as he turned around and saw Grimmjow standing behind him.
"Well, answer me!" he yelled. Orihime looked at them confused and then said, "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't know you were together, bye!"
Together? What did she mean by that? Him and Grimmjow? Oh hell no! Ulquiorra stood up and said to Grimmjow, "Trash, what do you want?"
Grimmjow just smirked and said, "So you thought you could sneak out to the human world to meet a girl?" Ulquiorra shook his head and said, "She forced me to come here."
He instantly regretted that and Grimmjow began to laugh. "You got ordered around by a girl? Wait until I tell everyone in Hueco Mundo!" he said between laughs.
Deciding to end this Ulquiorra left the little coffee shop, but Grimmjow followed him. So, Ulquiorra walked down the streets silently while Grimmjow spewed crap about Ulquiorra and the girl from his ass.
Finally, it was evening and time to go back home. Grimmjow was still following him but just as they were going to enter the black crack in the sky to home Ulquiorra turned around and said, "If you say one word of this to anyone I will show everyone a picture of you sleeping with yarn."
Grimmjow stopped dead in his tracks and yelled, "How did you get that! You went in my room didn't you! You creep! What the hell is wrong with you?" Ulquiorra said nothing and walked inside the black crack.
Grimmjow never dared say anything about the Orihime incident, and Ulquiorra never dared lie again. And to think, this was all because of a stupid little pimple.