Hey all, VB here, putting up my first fanfic in over...well...a few years. ;
Read, tell me what you think. That little review button is good for you. It pays for my shrink. Believe me. It's good for you.
PS. Who can guess the characters? Teehee!
Lilies.
I remember. Those were your favorites, weren't they? Everyone sent them. That's what you always wanted.
Isn't it?
It was just as beautiful as you said it would be. Everyone was there. They all love you, as I love you. It is a true shame you missed it. I wish I could detail the whole affair to you. I long to tell you, to see your smile. I long to see you alive again.
We both know it should have been me in that casket. It should be my body, lowered into the cold, cold ground. It should be my mother weeping at my grave, broken from the loss of one so young. There should be a lost child asking for his father, pondering, uncomprehending of the horrors that lay beneath six feet of earth. There would be no heartbroken brothers gathered amongst the flowers, paralyzed at how quickly their only sister was taken from them. No father, trying desperately to hold himself and his family together. My funeral would be gloomy. Silent.
Yours is lovely, full of those who love you and miss you, as I do. This…this shouldn't be happening. You shouldn't be in there. You should be watching my father in disgust at how his compassion for his son is lost; at my mother, doing her best not to cry in front of others, but still just as emotional as any. You should be lying to your son, insisting that his father would be back soon.
I shouldn't have to tell him.
I remember your smile...your laugh…when you first really looked at me.
Let me remind you.
I could tell none of them had ever wanted me there. To them, I was the wolf amidst sheep. I was the symbol of their hope that was lost with the death of their messiah. I had not killed him, yet to the grieved I was responsible. They all…you all wanted me to disappear…You wanted me to fade away into nothingness; to become the shadow you thought I was. You longed to rid yourself of my inalterable taint.
How I came to be there is a mystery. Three days after the battle my mother sent me out. She told me that I was going somewhere safe, where my enemies could not find me. I agreed readily. My encounter was a less than pleasant one. The death of Dumbledore had shaken me. Not because he was dead…
Because I had not done it.
Mother told me of the vow she had made with Severus before I went back to school. At first I was infuriated. How dare she! Mothers did not baby sixteen year old boys. She doubted my ability. I seethed because she had been right. She had seen past the outer shell that my family had approved of, that my friends had envied. My mother saw my doubts, something that no one should ever see. Why could I not say the simple, seductive curse? My father's joy in the killing curse seemed orgasmic to the point of lunacy. Why did I not feel this pleasure? I could have been his most loyal servant, his most cherished follower, the leader of my generation just as my father was.
For years I told myself I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be cold, ruthless, and cunning, just as he was. I wanted to find pleasure in others' pain and suffering, just as he did. My shell pushed to become my entire being, my personality. It wanted power. Power that I could have easily.
It was what was expected of me.
I was expected to be cruel. I was expected to follow the path of shadows, to willingly turn my face from the light. I am a Black; I am a Malfoy. I am not a Potter, not a Bones, not a Weasley, and was never expected to be. I was not supposed to be kind to those who deserved it. I was supposed to be above society, above the meaningless masses. I would follow no rules of convention, no laws of puppets who only intend to blind us. This is what I believed.
This is what was crushed into my skull, sunk into my flesh, whipped into my body. From the moment I first declared my life, this was my milk. When I was old enough to bear it, it became my lecture. It was the cause for whippings; the cause for beatings. I never did anything wrong, most of the time. It was a punishment not for my actions, but for my thoughts. He told me I deserved this pain. I readily accepted this theory.
Pain and suffering lost their unpleasant bite. By the time I started my formal education in magic, already I had grown to take sadistic pleasure in pain. Pain would obliterate all that was weak and pitiful. It would remove my doubts.
Temporarily.
I began to grow dependent on the lustful kiss of the Cruciatus. I needed fire to make my skin smolder and crackle. I needed blades to drain that which was impure.
My medicine became a sweet poison.
I craved it as I've never done before. Each day I waited for it, to quell my doubts. I had many. Above all, I doubted my purpose. My father told me that my purpose was to eliminate those that did not deserve life. They were those who did not value their gifts enough to pass them on to their children. They jeopardized it, marrying and breeding their magic away. We hated them and their offspring. This I doubted. Why punish those born from these mistakes? I once asked this of my father, when I was four. My father set my body ablaze with my first Cruciatus. I did not voice my doubts again, though they lingered and festered like old wounds.
Sometimes, in the face of this confusion, I would grow rebellious. I snapped and snarled like a caged beast, but I never dared to retaliate. I was only punished more. I fought against my life, the plan for my future, the bane of my existence. Why was I the one to murder, to hate?
Those doubts made me feel like my punishment was deserved. To doubt was a weakness that had to be eradicated. I took pleasure in the harsh whip of flame across my back. I reveled in it. I needed it, craved it, longed for it to take away my inner pain. My doubts. My weakness.
When father went to Azkaban, my need could not be satisfied. It felt like an everlasting hunger, gnawing at my mind. I could feel the smooth skin-on my back, my arms, my chest-and raged. My mind never strayed far from it. I became desperate for anything to take that empty hunger away.
That is how you found me. Starved for the pain I had grown to depend on.
Well, what'd you think? I'll update soon, if you review. Muahahaha!