Titolo: Welcome To My Life
Anime/Manga: Vampire Knight
Pairing: KanamexZero
Disclaimer: Vampire Knight belong to Matsuri Hino. The song Welcome to my life belong to Simple Plan
Avviso: Death-fic - One-shot - Shounen-ai - Song-fic - UnBeta
Genere: Angst, Drama, Romantic
Summary: Zero's true sentiment on Welcome to my life's notes by Simple Plan.
Also available in Italian on this site. Check my profile.
Welcome To My Life
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
My life hasn't ever been easy. And it hadn't been Shizuka Hio to make it difficult, she only worsened everything. Only few people know what it means to be born in a vampire hunter family. I learned to kill when I still didn't know the world; when I still didn't know what was right or wrong. Since birth they told me so many thing and I believed them blindly.
Vampires were evil. We were right.
But I already felt the world fall down on me every time I looked at my brother slowly die because of me. No one ever really understood me. No one ever understood that I kept training with Sensei to be strong and conquer those few praises from my parents. To keep up with their expectation on their only healthy son. To feel alive. To prove that I still existed. But that had never been my world.
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
How many times I kept myself from crying closing myself in the dark of my room. Without looking at Ichiru's body weaken and slowly and fade away. Without hearing my parent's voices that pretend more and more and more. Without looking at the eye that Sensei lost to save me and that always made me feel more guilty. While all I wanted to do was scream, forget and escape from that cruel reality.
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
And suddenly everything disappeared. There were no more kaa-san and tou-san; no more Ichiru and Sensei. Suddenly I was alone fighting against something bigger than me, against something that they taught me to despise from the bottom of my heart. I was becoming a vampire and every minute the desire that everything returned as before was increasing rapidly. I wanted to see my parent's approving smiles, hear Ichiru's cheerful laugh, fell Sensei's big hands in my hair while praising me.
Everything to prove that I was still alive.
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one understands you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
The pain consumed me constantly and not even Her presence could placate that loneliness. Even if She tried to understand me she couldn't, no one had ever succeeded and no one ever will. I don't even understand myself. Many time I've been on the verge of making it all end, but I've always fought for Her, for her smiles that made me feel a little better, keeping back the primitive craving that ran through my veins. Until the day when that desire took over and I drank Her blood. That day I died a little. Since then She didn't look at me with the same eyes and I understood right away that everything had already ended.
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
How many times I've wondered, why all of this happened to me? Have I done something terrible in a previous life and now Kami his punishing me? Or simply the world hate me and I, more then before, fell like I don't belong to it. Since She was no more my reason to live I finally decided to make it all end, then You arrived. Ah, only now I notice that I'm writing this letter to you, I don't know why, but I want you to know that since that moment till now you have been my reason to live. Ironic, right?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
The more time passed the more my feelings for You grew, but this only increased the pain. This world that hated me and that I hated had brought me something bittersweet. While I felt both of You becoming more distant and I felt more alone, that woman came back with my brother at her command. Knowing that every time Ichiru smiled at me in the past in reality he was brooding such resentment for me was killing me inside.
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
Every time you offered me your blood, every time I tasted that forbidden nectar I granted to myself some moments of happiness. Staying near you, touching you even if for a few seconds made me feel wanted. And alive. Every time in my heart I prayed that at least You could somehow comprehend me, but every single time my heart was torn to pieces that were becoming smaller and smaller; but somehow I managed to rebuild it, even if it was always more fragile.
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
You could never understand me, in reality you never ever tried to do it. Every time those words you whispered to me "I'm doing it for Her" made me feel more alone and they multiplied the pain and despair. Because they made me comprehend the ugly truth, that I didn't want to admit but I knew that was indeed true: You could never ever be mine. But despite everything I tried to go on, for You, for Her I tried to bear everything and continue to survive, because by now my heart had already been dead for a long time. For Her who, even though everything, I loved like a sister. For Her, the one who was taking You away from me. But everything ended that night.
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
I've never ever felt so betrayed in my entire life. Not even when Ichiru came back with the desire to kill me. You have been lying to me all this time, though in reality this was the least, She didn't have her memory and You only wanted to protect her. What really made me sick had been Her words "The Yuuki you know is dead". You took away the only thing that still bind me to humanity. But no matter how much I tried I could never hate You. I love you too much
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
From that moment my sweet, dear little sister disappeared, leaving in her place a stupid, spoiled pureblood that only knew how to get her in danger. What I did after that is only for You. I decided to kill Your uncle because I knew he was making you suffer, not because he was a danger to Her. I've been your pawn for this whole time, your black knight, and I would be it until the end completing my duty. My heart, that was already full of cracks and too fragile, definitely went to pieces with no way to being reconstructed. My ultimate duty was to create a world where You and Her could be happy. Everything I ever wanted was Your happiness.
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
And a happy world for the both of You, was a world without me. So I finally took my decision, today I'll definitely end this miserable life of pain and sorrow. Suddenly, now that I no longer have anything to lose, I notice that every time I tried to kill myself I stopped only because I was afraid to die, lying to me when I thought and said I was doing it for you
Welcome to my life
I love you, Kaname. I wish that in another life We could meet again and maybe live in happiness together. Forever yours
Welcome to my life
Zero
-Welcome to my life-
BANG
That night when Kaname heard the shoot and smelled blood and run toward its source all he found were a letter and the Bloody Rose abandoned on a heap of ashes.
When he read those words he couldn't not pour tears that were added to the ones that already stained that simple piece of paper with an infinity of emotion in it.
The pains and the few joys of a boy who no one ever understood; to who no one ever paid attention, leaving him alone in his sorrow.
How many things he hadn't seen. That pain he carried in his heart. That absolute love only for him.
Since then anyone who would meet the Pureblood wondered what contained that little ampoule he always wore around his neck and what was written on that piece of paper that he often read and always brought with him.
And to those courageous one that dared to ask he answered that those were the memories of a special person, that he would never want to forget.
Kaname had almost immediately broken up with Yuuki who had remained impassive and apathetic in from of the death of the person she should have been considering like her brother and best friend.
The thought that allowed him to go on was the possibility of another chance, that Zero really would revive and then he could be able to remedy his mistakes
-Yeah and this time we will be happy, Zero-
*Owari*
This is my first and probably only song-fic. I myself don't like to read them usually, but this was an exception. It was difficult but I almost like it. Every time I listened this song I always thought of Zero.
Some explanation, if you didn't understand: Zero talks of Yuuki in third person and he never mention her name when talking about her, he keeps a distance. He talk of Kaname in second person and mention him only one time, at the end before killing himself. The only people he nominates are Ichiru and Yagari, always calling him Sensei, because despite everything he loves them both. Zero said the last phrase of the song aloud before pulling the trigger.
I wish to have written Zero's sentiments well enough, it's not an easy job. The last part is the description of Kaname's reaction to Zero's death. It's short but I wish to have made them significant.
And last but not the least, pardon for my mistakes, this is not my first language. Fell free to correct me!