Blood. Blood was everywhere. It stained her carpet, was splattered on her walls. She looked down. It was on her hands and all over her clothes. She knew if she looked in the mirror it would be on her face. Part of her cringed in revulsion and she almost let herself gag. The other part of her felt absolutely nothing. She knew that deep down in her there was guilt, even sadness and shame, but she felt none of those emotions now.
She sighed, a sigh filled only with exhaustion and ignored the unrecognizable heap in front of her, ignored the blood that had turned everything into the color of death, and turned to the bathroom. She turned on the shower, watching the blood wash from her hands as she checked the heat of the water. She moved slowly, almost lethargic, and stripped. Her reflection in the mirror caught her attention and she stared at her naked body listlessly, studying the dead eyes, how the blood weighed down her hair and stuck together as it dried, her slouching uncaring posture. A year ago she would have been astonished to see her reflection, now it barely registered.
The water was hot. It was the first sense she'd really felt in.. well she couldn't remember the last time she really paid attention to anything in her life. The cuts and bruises on her body stung as the water washed her body clean, but she welcomed the feeling. Some bruises were minor, she'd been careless lately, but the rest of the cuts and bruises were inflicted by someone else, someone she trusted and loved at one time. She sighed again, refusing to dwell on that particular subject, and put her face in the shower, enjoying the stinging, the pain of the heat mixed with the pain of the cuts.
It was cold in the apartment when she came out of the bathroom, the steam covering the windows in a heavy mist. In spite of everything that had occured here, she felt revitalized, refreshed, almost happy. For the first time in months, she moved with her old grace. She stopped suddenly, looking around and finally seeing the damage, seeing the huddled mass of death in front of her. Panic rose in her throat, as well as bile; she doubled over, collapsing to her knees, spilling the contents of her stomach until it was empty and she shook from the force of the dry heaves, and burying her face in her hands.
For many moments, there was no sound in the apartment, no movement save the violent trembling of the woman. Then there was a sob, a gasp, as she tried to catch her breath.
"Oh my god," she whispered to herself, "what have I done. What have I done?"
The words were empty and there was no response for her. She knew there wouldn't be, though she hoped there would be someone there to wake her from this nightmare. Still shaking, she stood, wiping tears and vomit from her face. She caught her breath and breathed deeply. Staring at nothing for a moment, her eyes moved to the telephone.
"This is 911, what is your emergency?"
The voice on the line was shaky. "This is ah.. Rei Hino.. and I, uh, I need an ambulance. I've, uh.. I think I've just.. just killed someone. Please... please hurry."
The police had shown up with the ambulance and she was immediately handcuffed and lead away from the scene while the emergency response team quickly began to work. She had been naked, wrapped in the towel she▓d been using, and when they brought her to the police station, gave her an orange jumpsuit. By this time, she was more aware of herself and what was happening and she cooperated with the psychiatrist with whom she spoke to for hours. She confessed to the murder, though she had no memories of it. To Rei it felt as though she had been asleep for a very long time, only to wake up to find herself standing over the dead body of someone very dear to her.
After many exhausting hours, she was lead to a holding cell with a bunk. Rei laid her head down and for the first time in her recent memory, slept for many hours.
Why?
She knew they would ask her why. It would be the first thing to be said and she knew she wouldn▓t have an answer for them. Why had she killed him? Mamoru Chiba was dead and it was because of her and she didn▓t know why. She had asked herself that same question over and over a thousand times in her head and yet no matter how often she asked, no answer came.
Because she had been so mad at him that she grabbed the knife, the closest object within reach, and in a blind rage, struck out at him, stabbing him over and over until there was nothing left in her to stab?
Or had it been self-defense, she couldn't remember for sure. Had he charged first, intent to kill her and reaching for the knife was an act of instinct? But why?
Because he▓d used her, had made her believe he loved her and taken her body and her heart and then heartlessly thrown them all away?
Because he touched her in ways he had never allowed himself to touch anyone else, leaving her body broken and bruised?
Because she wasn▓t perfect?
Because she could never be Usagi?
And she hated him for it. She hated him so much for making her hate herself and for putting her through hell.
Would this be enough for her friends? Would it ever be enough for Usagi?
Usagi, for whom the sun raised and set in Mamoru▓s eyes. Usagi who had given all of her love to Mamoru Chiba and, it seemed, had very little left for anyone else. Usagi, who would live and die for him.
No, nothing Rei would ever have to say would be enough for Usagi. Forgiveness was something Usagi lived her life believing in, but she would have none for Rei. Rei knew Usagi would curse her until the day she died and nothing, no words, nothing in the world would ever take away the pain of loosing her soulmate. Nothing Rei would ever do would bring him back.
They shuffled into the white room with it▓s two chairs and white tables quietly. Ami came first, then Minako, and Makoto, followed by Usagi. Rei▓s breath caught in her throat as she met Usagi▓s eyes. They▓d once been a beautiful clear blue color. Now they were blue-grey, emotionless, dead, but for the spark of anger. Rei stood, putting her strength on weak legs and using the table for support. Usagi launched herself at her and Rei stumbled back, falling to the floor.
When Makoto grabbed Usagi just short of an inch from Rei, she knew then why Makoto had been closest to the young woman. They▓d been anticipating that Usagi would lash out.
⌠Why,■ Usagi screamed. ⌠Why Mamoru, Rei?■
Rei was silent.
⌠I want to know why!!■
Rei still said nothing, as she pulled herself up onto to the chair, tears falling down her face.
Usagi looked at her with disgust. ⌠Don▓t you cry! Don▓t you DARE! You don▓t deserve it! You took HIS LIFE AWAY! You KILLED him! You don▓t deserve the right to cry! Not when he lies dead in the morgue! Not while I remain alive to mourn him!■
Minako held tightly onto Usagi's arm and murmured something gently into her ear, loud enough for her words to be heard by all in the room. "Usagi, please, calm down! It's not good for your health. Think about the baby!"
Baby!? Rei gasped in surprise. She had not been aware that Usagi was pregnant. Of course, she reasoned, Chibi Usa had to come eventually. But why hadn't Mamoru ever said anything to her? Why had everyone but her known of this news?
Usagi clenched her jaw and nodded briefly. "Yes, you're right. I want to get out of here. This place is making me sick!"
Minako wiped at a tear as she escorted Usagi out of the holding cell, Ami following impassively behind them. Makoto remained seating, glaring at Rei who sat in front of her. Without warning, Makoto had gone over the table, throwing Rei and herself onto the floor as her hand went straight to Rei's neck.
Makoto's hand on Rei's neck gave a perilous squeeze. "Tell me why I should not kill you now."
Rei gasped for breath. "Do it," she rasped. "Avenge your King. Kill me today and restore honor to the Senshi!"
Makoto's hand tightened its grip for a second, then pushed Rei away from her. Her lip curled in disgust.
"You aren't even worth the effort! You will get what you deserve at dawn."
"You think I'm evil now, don't you," Rei said as she massaged her neck. "You think that the killing of those monsters you participated in so long ago can be justified but you find no justification for what I did. You think that lines can be drawn in the sand, that good and evil are defined in black and white. Life is far from simple, Makoto; sometimes the villain has honor and sometimes the hero gets blood on his hands."
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An hour later, Rei got another visitor. She was escorted into the meeting room, the dull grey concrete blocks made even duller by the lackluster florescent lighting. She sat at the table before her, her head bowed as she meditated. Without warning, the buzz for the door went off, and Ami walked in. She was weary, Rei could tell, on edge, and Rei knew there was more going on in her mind than she revealed.
Rei met Ami's eyes as entered the room, searching for something that wasn't hatred. "I've confessed," she said, finally breaking her silence, "but they did a full psychiatric exam and the judge says that because I was abused, it was self defense. I won't go to court. By all accounts, you can tell Usagi that I'll soon walk away from this a free person."
Ami sighed. "Luna and Artemis were prepared for that possibility. Rei... you're going to have to face Usagi. As Queen Serenity, she has the power to call a full investigation into what happened between you and Mamoru and the resources to do so. You may not to go trial in the Japanese courts but you will still have to go through one as the laws from the Moon Kingdom dictate."
"Do you think Usagi will be reasonable about this?"
"She's mad, Rei. She's also extremely hurt and feels betrayed. Rei, you killed her husband. Would you be reasonable if you had to face the person who murdered your only love and the father of your child?"
Rei nodded. "So what will happen?"
"Well, under Lunarian law, Usagi has the right to overturn any verdict she disagrees with."
"But Usagi now has a personal vendetta against me, there's no way she'll be unbiased in her judgement. Will you help me, Ami? I did kill him, yes, but it was self defense. I did it to save myself. Represent me in the trial."
Ami's eyes were sad and she shook her head. "I can't."
"But why not?"
"Rei... if you're found guilty, you will relinquish your powers and face death.. by a firing squad of the Senshi. If she decides to kill you, I will be one of your executioners. It's a conflict of interest and as such, I'm forbidden from getting involved. I'm sorry, Rei."
"Great. Just great. I'm going to die and all because Usagi has the power to arbitrarily find me guilty. I'm going to freaking die because she's not subject to the same laws as everyone else."
"To be fair, Rei, you're in this situation because YOU couldn't abide by the same laws as everyone else."
"But I told you I'm innocent! If the government of Japan can figure that out without even a trial, why can't everyone else?!"
"Because that is the law which you as a Sailor Senshi are now subject to!"
"What if I run away?"
"Then you'll be a fugitive under the Lunarian law and the Sailor Senshi will be forced to hunt you down and kill you on sight! I wouldn't recommend that you try that."
"So I'm back to being screwed."
"When they let you go, you'll want to go home immediately and prepare yourself."
Rei's hands shook as she rubbed her eyes wearily. "I don't know what to do, Ami. I acted in self defense and now I'm back at where I started from, facing my own mortality. I should have just let Makoto kill me. Or let Mamoru," Rei added with a bitter laugh.
Ami shook her head in understanding, then patted her friend's hand before standing up. "I'm sorry I can't do more for you, but I thought you should know what you face."
"Thank you," Rei replied, nodding slightly.
Ami grabbed her bag and was at the door when Rei's voice rang out once more. "Ami?"
"Yes?"
"I want you to know... If I'm found guilty and I do face you.. I'm glad we were friends and I won't be angry at you for doing what is right."
Ami smiled and nodded her almost imperceptively, then exited the room, leaving Rei to her thoughts.
Two hours later, Rei was released. Because her home had been the scene of a gruesome death and was in the process of being cleaned, Rei installed herself in a nearby hotel, a cozily modest establishment far from the cheap motels she has frequented with Mamoru during their affair. Unable to calm her weary and anxious mind, Rei paced the hotel room until she gave up and decided to take a little walk.
That little walk turned into a trek around the city as Rei wandered aimlessly for hours, lost within her myriad of thoughts and trying desperately to formulate a defense. She hadn't been lying or guessing when she told Ami that she was as good as dead. Usagi's heartbreak and anger would cause a bias in her judgement and there would be no fair inquiry, regardless of what Rei said in her defense. Still, Rei thought with bitterness, she would refuse to just die without a fight. If there had ever been a fight for her life, this was truly it and Rei would live and die like the warrior she was. And yet, as Rei walked, her heart broke for the past and the warrior cried.
They met on a grassy hill far away from Tokyo. Rain had settled in the night before, drenching Rei as she had walked the streets in a haze, and it still lingered in the morning air. It was chilly and as they stood silent, Rei facing Serenity and the Senshi silently flanking her on both sides, their breath came out in small puffs. The air around them was heavy and tense with pregnant anticipation. No wind blew on this ominous morning.
All the Senshi were dressed as if prepared for battle. All looked grim. Rei could see that although Serenity put on a brave face, she could not hide the stain of tears that lined her pale cheeks.
No on spoke until Serenity's voice suddenly rang out clear in the silence.
"Rei Hino!
"Sailor Mars.You stand before me guilty of murder. Murder! You have taken the life of Mamoru Chiba," Serenity's voice cracked as she spoke his name, but she quickly recovered and continued, "Your King. Endymion. Have you anything to say in your defense?"
Rei nodded. "I have, Highness."
"Then speak it now so we may soon decide your fate."
Rei took a deep breath and felt her heart pounding in her chest.
"For the action of taking a life, I am indeed guilty. Yes, it was my hand which drive that knife into Endymion's body, again and again and again. But it was NOT murder! It was a desperate attempt to save my own life! While you were busy with your own lives, ignoring me, you also ignored what was happening to me! Because of that and the fact that Mamoru was the only one who seemed to have time for me in his life, the affair was easy to begin and continue. But you also failed to see, then, what it had begun to do to me, how we were never meant to be together, how our relationship was toxic. It and he were killing me!
"I do not say that Mamoru was an evil person. How can I, when I loved him so? I will say, however, that he was human and because of that, did some very bad things, things which I will not share out of respect of my love for him. But the end result of our affair was that I no longer felt alive as I had in the beginning. The love which had once burned like a bright fire was now dead, and I might as well have been. I no longer felt. No love, no pain; I was numb.
"The night Mamoru died, we argued, what started it I have no idea. We said mean, horrible things to each other and I remember telling him that I was going to end it and tell you, Serenity. The lying, the cheating, these despicable actions in the name of lust and sex, I wanted it over. I wanted him, Serenity, to be honest with you and I wanted to feel again. I knew it would kill you, but what we were doing was wrong.
"All of a sudden, it got physical and I suddenly knew it was going to be life or death. Mamoru was so angry and so was I. I don't remember grabbing the knife, and I don't remember using it on him, but I know it was a defensive action.
"I know you are hurt and I know you are angry. I know what I've done, but please! Don't condemn me for saving myself! You cannot know the pain in my heart that I have for what has happened!"
Rei had ignored the tears she'd been shedding until she had said her piece. Now, as she stood before her queen, shivering from the cold and from her emotions and the memories which flooded her mind, she wiped at them absently, ashamed of them.
When the last echo of Rei's words faded from the air, Serenity stepped forward, away from the protection of her Senshi. Silently, she studied the face of her former friend. Rei watched, confused and unsure of what would happen next. Gently, as if she were touching her own child, Serenity's hand caressed Rei's cheek. It trembled only slightly before it reared back suddenly and hit her. The sound of it carried in the morning hush and Minako gasped as Rei staggered backward.
There was hatred in Serenity's face, an expression she'd never had or shown before. For the first time in her life, Rei saw the ugliness of such an emotion. How it twisted and mangled beauty. How it seemed to eat a person alive, just as it devoured their soul. As Rei stared at the countenance of her judge and executioner, she knew her fate was sealed - and she was afraid.
Serenity's voice was thick with emotion as she looked upon the woman who had betrayed her and taken the very thing in her life she thought she could not live without, and spoke her judgement.
"Five years ago, I would have believed you. I would have been forgiving and loving in my response to you. I was a child when I lived my life so simply. The time of forgiveness is over. The time of believing the best in people without question has come and gone and in it's place remains the realities of life. A murder has occured, an act which you justify as self defense. The fact is, however, that Endymion is dead - by your hand. The reasons and events leading up to his death are irrelevant. You cannot simply explain away the taking of a life.
"If I were a fair and just ruler, I would be able to judge without emotion, but it would require me to live without my own humanity. The man whom you killed was everything to me and in that, I cannot be fair and just. I know your strength, and you could have defended yourself without killing him. You say you loved him, yet there was so little love in your heart to show him mercy. Mercy, which you now plead for. No, Rei, you do not take the life of another and expect such a thing.
"It is my judgement that you are guilty of the murder of Your King, Endymion. As Lunarian law dictates, you are sentenced to DEATH, by firing squad of the Sailor Senshi. Look well at your executioners.. they will be the last faces you see in this life."
Rei sank to her knees and covered her face with her hands. Deep down, she had accepted this would be her fate, yet the shock still rang throughout her entire body. Serenity's verdict had been predictable, yes, but she had somehow hoped... No, she wouldn't do this. She wouldn't play the what-if game. What Serenity had just said was true. Who had she been to beg for mercy when she had spared Mamoru none?
Giving one last shuddering sigh, Rei accepted the reality of what had just been decreed. She took a deep breath, then stood on weak legs. The tears from before had dried and she refused to shed any more. With her head held high, she nodded to the other Senshi as Serenity walked away. There was no reason for her to stay for this. A refusal to carry out her order would be dealt with the Senshi accordingly, and Serenity knew they would do as told.
Mercury walked forward to Rei and held out a black sash. "In case you don't want to watch," she said quietly.
Rei shook her head. "No."
"Are you... sure?"
"Yes."
Ami nodded and had to fight back the urge to shrug. How like Rei. So proud, so unafraid. "Listen, I've got to say a few formal words. After that, Jupiter, Venus and I will.. proceed as expected. Before that, I need you to hand over your wand and -"
"Luna has it."
"What?"
"My transformation wand. She has it. I'm completely unarmed. Whatever you have to do, just do it."
"Alright." Ami hesitated. "Rei.. what you said last night.. do you still mean it?"
Rei's face had been expressionless during this exchange, yet it cracked for a moment. Tenderness reappeared in her eyes as she looked at her friend.
"Of course. I am only sorry it has to end like this."
Ami smiled sadly, and squeezed Rei's cold hand before stepping back and rejoining her fellow Senshi.
"Rei Hino, it has been decreed that you are guilty of murder and as such, have been sentenced to death by firing squad of the Sailor Senshi. Is there anything more you would like to say?"
Rei was proud and deliberate in her words. "I cannot say that I regret trying to save my own life. I regret that it has come to this. You were my friends once, and I loved you all. For what is about to occur, I hold no anger in my heart. It is your duty and what must be done will be done."
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When the grim task of burying Rei's body was done, it was Ami who lingered at the grave. Makoto had wasted no time in her departure and Minako soon followed. Ami found she could shed no tears for her former colleague and friend, although she believed she should. Still, they could not come unfelt.
Ami knelt beside the almost invisible mound of dirt, and placed her hand briefly over where Rei lay underneath. She muttered a short prayer of forgiveness and sighed, standing and brushing dirt from her hands.
Ami had been prepared for the inevitability of Serenity's judgement. Rei would not have been let off so easily. In this business, evil was carefully assigned and you were either a good guy or a villain. No matter what the reason, killing one of your own, even in self defense, made you a traitor. In Serenity's eyes, Mamoru's death by one of her own Senshi was an unforgivable act. The heroine had gotten blood on her hands, and faced the consequence for it. The building of NeoCrystal Tokyo was coming soon, but the future she envisioned seemed bleak without the contributions of Endymion and Rei.
fin
AN: This was another labor of love. It seems the really interesting pieces that I've managed to complete lately have been those of the neglected kind. The majority of this story was written a few years ago and I had/have an outline for what I wanted to happen. Originally, it was going to end with Rei back at where she started the day the affair with Mamoru began and making a different choice in order for her to have a different implied outcome, but since I didn't go into many details with the relationship, it seemed pointless to have it end that way. It was purely optimistic and had my knack for a happy ending, which I always like. But this was a "darker" story, as dark as I can possibly write, I suppose, and somewhere along the line, I realized I didn't actually WANT a "happily ever after". I did make Makoto a villainess, somewhat, and Minako virtually plays no role in this story at all. But I think what little of what is portrayed is true to their characters. Also, the constant mix up of using Usagi/Serenity and Mamoru/Endymion is done on purpose, for the sole fact that, as the end says, the two identities were starting to merge for NeoCrystal Tokyo. Anyway, I worked on this for a long time and in spite of it's "gore", i think it's well written and I'm happy with the result!