M is for Mother and S is for...Daughter?

Madara had always wanted a daughter.

A daughter he could spoil to no end and whose suitors he could threaten. Or kill.

Unfortunately, during the war and even after that the thought of marrying never crossed his mind since there was so much else going on around him to keep him occupied. And afterwards, no woman was exactly willing anymore and he didn't quite want to resort to rape and kidnapping.

Madara, however, never gave up on his dreams.

While Itachi could've taken that role with his rather feminine looks and his apparent popularity amongst the people (who didn't know that he was a sought after criminal), there remained the whole 'responsible-for-the-Uchiha-massacre'-issue and the Uchiha ancestor doubted that his student could be convinced that it was a fun idea to act as his daughter.

So Madara was once more forced to keep looking.

And then Sasuke came into the picture.

In the beginning, the old Uchiha was skeptical. He hadn't met Sasuke yet and Itachi refused to give out any information, so how could he be sure he could bully Sasuke into becoming his daughter? Or that Sasuke even suited the role? Their first meeting only revealed that his relative was incredibly self-confident.

Oh, but their second meeting was so much more enlightening, he truly got to know Sasuke! He'd seen him at his worst and decided that it was worth a try. This boy was more emotional than his older brother who could contain his feeling even after the Uchiha massacre pretty well and only cried at night in his room when he thought he was alone (of course Madara found out anyway because he tended to sleep walk and sometimes found himself in the closets of various Akatsuki members and was woken up once by Itachi's quiet sobs).
The thought of Itachi reminded Madara that Sasuke was in fact the only Uchiha left other than himself, so making him his daughter would actually make at least some sort of sense since they part of the same family!
It was also rather helpful that Itachi's death had left Sasuke vulnerable and easy to influence. Additionally, he seemed to have started to trust Madara who planned on using this to his advantage. He just had to wait and seize the opportunity when the right moment came.

As it turned out, this moment came only days later. In an attempt to make Sasuke believe he was being cared for and that he could trust him, Madara looked after him every once in a while. He had stepped into the descendant's room only to find the teenager curled up on his bed, his body shaken by violent, silent sobs. It was a rather disturbing sight to see someone like the avenger crying his eyes out like a girl would, yet Madara realized instantly that this was his one and only chance, the time had come. Now or never.
What was he supposed to do though? The last time he had comforted someone had been ages ago and the result hadn't been satisfying either.

He had to think of something. Fast.

"Uh...What's the matter?" At least something.

Between his sobs Sasuke choked out "Well, isn't that obvious? I have lost my entire family and now my brother—and I—" He was unable to continue and the rest of his sentence was drowned out in a loud wail.

"I'm still here" Madara pointed out, barely able to contain his excitement. "I'm still alive. And so are you." The boy raised his head to look at the man, seemingly contemplating what had been said.

"...But you can't replace my parents or my brother, can you?"

"I could if you want me to" the older Uchiha said and one sob turned into a gasp of surprise. There was this hopeful glint in Sasuke's dark eyes that reminded Madara. "I..." he started but interrupted himself and silence followed as both males stared at each other. It was broken by Madara who exclaimed "I will try to replace your parents if you agree to become my 'daughter'." There, he had said it.

He could practically see the wheels inside of the teen's head reeling as he tried to decide between 'Get a parent-replacement' and 'Not becoming a female child'. Thankfully, the former eventually won the tug o' war.
"Only if you become my 'mother'. It's only fair" came the sniffled reply, accompanied by a slow nod.

Of course it would only be fair but—he hadn't been prepared for this! He refused to be called 'Mother'! He was a man for Rikudou's sake! It was just—NO, he was NOT going to be called 'mother'.

On the other hand, he was s-so, so, so close to fulfilling his dream...!

"Alright."

Sasuke's face lit up like a Christmas tree at that. "But we won't mention this in the presence of others, right?" "Of course not!" "Good." "Yes." "Perfect."

There was another awkward pause while Madara still couldn't believe that his dream had actually come true and at the same time racked his brain for something to say now. "So...what are we supposed to do now?" he finally questioned after a while. His 'daughter' shrugged. "Hug?" he suggested "My mother used to do that when I cried." So they did just that.

"I think I'll go and get somethin to eat." The ancient shinobi was already halfway through the door when he remembered his new responsibilities so he added "Do you want something too?" "Could you make me a sandwich?" muttered Sasuke hopefully and glanced up to his 'mother' who said yes.

When the Uchiha ancestor walked down the corridor to the kitchen, there almost was a light skip in his step. But only almost because Madara doesn't do skipping, because he has a reputation to protect and because seeing a grown man skipping was creepy as hell.

Upon arriving in the kitchen of their current hide-out, he stumbled over Kisame. Seeing the shark-man made Madara wonder if maybe he knew somethin about parenthood. The chances were rather low yet one could never know and god, Madara needed help. Thus he approached his loyal assistant and asked him "What do you know about parenthood?"

For a moment, Kisame grinned at him, thinking it was a joke, but it slipped from his face as he realized that his leader was being completely serious. One of his eyebrows started twitching slightly and an expression of utter confusion took over his features. "Pretty much nothing, but—" "Well then I'll ask someone else" he cut the sputtering former Kiri-nin off and passed him and reached for the handle of the fridge.

As he pulled out the salad, Kisame regained his ability to speak and eventually told Madara "Maybe you should ask Konan or that red-haired girl of Sasuke's team. They're women so that should come natural to them, right?" Why hadn't he thought of that before? Perfect! He thanked the man and resumed making Sasuke's sandwich.

He delivered the meal to Sasuke a little while later and bit into his own bread as he made the decision to go searching for the two females right after he was finished with eating because he needed their advice even though he didn't want to acknowledge that he did. The sooner the better.

And so off he went on his quest to replace Sasuke's mother.

What. Have. I. Done.

It was a spontaneous idea that came to me when I was looking through my old drawings where I found some comics of mine that feature mother Tobi and daughter Sasuke. And since I think I need practice when it comes to writing crack/humor, and because I still have to think of some ways to make Madara suffer in "72 hours in hell", this was born. Kind of dedicated to a friend who wrote a crack One-Shot that scarred me for life.
Don't expect regular updates. I have so much else I'm writing for and some of them have prority. If I have some inspiration, then great, another chapter, but that sadly isn't all that often.

Feedback is highly appreciated, so please don't hesitate to review! ^_^