Summary:The one where Tristan screws up ... badly.
Warnings: contains slash, strong language and mentions a suicide attempt.
Comments and Reviews: positive comments welcomed.

Disclaimer: The KA lads never were mine, still aren't mine and never will be. Everything you recognize, belongs to Jerry Bruckheimer & Touchstone Pictures - godsdamnit ! No copyright infringement is intended.

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The First Cut Is The Deepest ...

Part I: The Demon Drink and the Road to Ruin ...

Tristan's pov:

I never saw the blow coming, but I sure as hell felt it ...

In the fifteen years I've known him, he'd never struck any of us, although there were times when his patience had been severely tried and he must have been sorely tempted.

Dazed, I shook my head slowly. I was staggered to find myself still standing and not lying flat on my back on the grimy tavern floor. Raising my right hand, I gingerly rubbed it against my lower lip and was shocked to see a crimson smear on my skin. I tentatively ran the tip of my tongue across my lip and immediately tasted the metallic tang of blood. Despite it all, I realized that he'd held back - a lot. Otherwise, that hard, lethal blow would certainly have felled and probably killed me. It would have been no less than I deserved, after I'd humiliated and betrayed him so publicly ...

Warily and by now deeply regretting the amount of ale I'd consumed, I unsteadily approached him and lightly rested a hand on his right forearm. It pained me that he flinched at my touch, before brusquely shrugging my hand away and that he'd also averted his head so that he wouldn't have to face me.

"Dag ? My wolf ... I'm sor- "

As soon as he heard my voice, he reluctantly raised his head to look at me and I was dismayed by what I saw. Shock had drained his handsome face of all colour. And his eyes ? Seeing Dagonet's gentle, intelligent, beautiful silver-grey eyes, which had always viewed me with such warmth and passion, now unwillingly meet mine was heartbreaking. They were full of disbelief, pain, anger and deep sorrow. That I alone was the cause of his anguish and distress, well ... the guilt stabbed me as surely as a dagger through the heart ...

"Dag, wai- "

Icy silver eyes skewered me to the spot.

"Don't, Tristan ... I don't want to hear your bullshit ... Just keep the hell away from me."

To my utter dismay, any trace of warmth had left Dagonet's calm voice. All that remained was cold, bitter, monotonous reserve as he growled his reply. His soft-spoken words cut to the quick, wounding me far more that any shouting ever could.

"I can't be around you, Tristan. If I'm honest, I don't want to be near you right now. Just stay the fuck away from me and go back to him ... Never understood why you were with me in the first place ..."

I couldn't help noticing how his broad shoulders slumped dejectedly as he turned on his heel and hating to see him leave, I began to follow him. He must have sensed or heard my approach, because the words he spoke before he left, floored me with their finality and determination.

"It's over, Tristan. Deal with it - I have to ... We're through ..."

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Frozen, I stood there as he stalked away. I was only too aware of the coiled tension in my lover's impressive physique, of the acute pain and misery deeply etched into my beloved Dagonet's handsome profile. It shamed me greatly that I was the cause of it all ... I regretted hurting him more than anything, for Dag means the world to me ... He's my world and I love him dearly. Throughout my life, I've never felt so passionately about anyone else the way I do about him.

To me, Dag's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. He's an imposing looking man. Tall - well over six foot - and I feel dwarfed by him, yet I am not lacking in height. Broad-shouldered, strappingly-built and strong, he carries no excess weight and moves with the silent, lithe grace of a wolf. To most people, he appears very intimidating with his shaven head, stubble and tattooed, muscular arms and the long, savage looking scar that runs from his left temple down the side of his face doesn't help matters either.

But when it comes to my Dag, appearances truly can be deceptive. His is an inner beauty which truly shines. It illuminates my world and lightens my dark spirit and black heart. For he's the most kind-hearted and gentle soul that you could wish to meet. He's also courageous, loyal to a fault and is the most selfless and giving person I've the honour to know. Those are the reasons why I can't understand what I did and why I'm unable to forgive myself for my actions.

I was aware that I'd truly fucked up. I'd committed the mother-of-all-fuck-ups and I'd no idea how to make amends. How I'd ever be able to make things right between us ... and I feared that I'd lost both Dag's love and trust for good ... That he'd never forgive me. All I knew was - even though I was as pissed as a newt - that I would fight for what we have. I'd fight for Dagonet, even if it killed me, for he's my soulmate and I couldn't and wouldn't lose him ...

As I made to follow him, my path was immediately blocked by a large, unmovable object. With my gaze firmly fixed upon my quarry who, to my acute dismay, was swiftly fleeing from the tavern with a large goatskin full of ale, I tried to slip around the obstruction. Only to find myself shoved roughly backwards.

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I hissed in pure frustration and moved forwards only to find Gawain standing in front of me, his hand resting on my chest, holding me back. For once, my friend's good-humoured, attractive face was stern - no, he appeared absolutely furious - and his bright blue eyes were hard and unforgiving as he shook his head slowly as a warning.

"I wouldn't, if I were you, Scout," he softly growled, his words dripping with disgust. "Leave Dag be ... He needs to be on his own right no- "

"If you don't want any trouble between us, Halani," I snarled, glaring angrily at the well-built, shaggy-maned blond, "I suggest that you mov- " My hand immediately went to the hilt of the dagger at my waist. Gawain merely ignored my words and sharply prodded my chest before pushing me back once more.

"I said leave it ! How could you, Tris ? How the hell could you do something like that to him, huh ? Dagonet didn't fucking deserve that. He loves you, only you ... You're his world, you stupid, fucking bastard ! The man worships the ground you walk on, for mercy's sake. He'd never dream of betraying you like that ... Dag would kill himself first rather than hurt you."

There was only truth in Gawain's words and I knew it. My hand fell limply away from the dagger's hilt and I struggled to find the words I wanted to say. It didn't matter though, as the tall Halani was now in full flow and wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways. I was about to speak and immediately fell silent beneath his withering glare.

"Just shut the fuck up and listen, Tristan. What you did was out of order. You're a lot of things, but I never thought being a damn fool was one of them ... Hell ! You and Dag are my friends, my brothers ... Don't force me to take sides on this ..." Gawain wearily shook his head in disappointment and added sadly, "I honestly don't understand why you did it, Tris ... How could you ? And with him of all people ? Why did you betray someone who genuinely adores and trusts you with that selfish, immoral, troublemaking, little shit, Lancelot ? He doesn't care about anyone other than himself. And here, of all places ? You stupid or what ?" Gawain ran a tired hand through his wild, fair hair, then asked softly, "Just tell me why, Tris ?"

Sighing heavily, I looked at him through my messy, dark hair and shrugged my shoulders helplessly before replying huskily, "I swear, Gawain, I honestly don't know ... I was drunk and I realize that doesn't excuse what I did. Upon my life, I never meant to hurt him - I'd sooner die ..." Briefly, I looked away and chewed my lower lip uneasily, then continued quietly, "I admit I was curious to know what kissing Lancelot would be like ... But on my oath as a knight - as an Aorsi - he was the one who kissed me. I never kissed him. I felt nothing. It left me cold because it wasn't Dag, Gawain ... it wasn't Dag ..."

It was only when I realized what I'd just said that I was able to steadily meet my friend's gaze. Every single word had been true ... I'd lost the one person who'd meant everything to me just because of a stupid, drunken, meaningless kiss ... because of idle curiosity.

"So, what are you going to do about it ?" Gawain asked gruffly, his gaze now slightly warmer yet full of concern. "If you hurt Dag aga- "

"By all that's sacred, Gawain, that's the last thing I intend to happen. I want him back. I need him. For the love of gods, I love the man ... I'm in love with him. I have to win him back - for both our sakes. So, unless you want any bad blood between us, friend, you'll move out of my way ..."

Moving aside, Gawain eyed me warily, then sighed deeply before bluntly stating, "Well, if I were you, I'd sort this damn mess out before Bors gets wind of it. If he does ..." the tall blond ran the tip of his index finger slowly and meaningfully across his throat, from the left side to the right. "He's going to bloody kill you, boy ... You'll end up wearing your entrails as a scarf if you're not careful ..."

That was a low yet accurate blow. I was fortunate that the older Roxolani was safely ensconsed with his family, otherwise I was a dead man. Bors was formidable when roused. He loved his shy, young cousin dearly and was extremely protective of him. The last thing I wanted was to draw his attention to my indiscretion - that would be suicide ...

Then again, I didn't see much point of having a life without Dagonet either. No matter how I looked at the situation, the outcome wasn't favourable. I would lose and losing was something I did not do and wouldn't tolerate. It was a sobering thought and enough to goad me into action. Squaring my shoulders, I raised my chin determinedly and met Gawain's thoughtful, unwavering gaze without flinching. I'd made up my mind.

"Oi ! Wher- ?" Gawain began as I brushed past him. I only had one thought on my mind and nothing - nobody - was going to distract me from it.

"Me ? I'm going to do what I should've done earlier," I replied huskily, narrowing my eyes with predatory intent. "I'm going to find Dag before he goes to ground and win him back. Damn it ! I'm going to prove to him how much he means to me and that I love him, even if it fucking kills me ..."

And with that final remark, I left a bemused Gawain to track down my missing, devastated lover.

TBC...