"Hey, Leela, wanna go out with me tonight?"
Fry's innocent grin always caused Leela a little bit of guilt. Just a little, though. Nowhere near sufficient to actually pity him enough to go out with him. That would take truckloads of guilt.
"I'm sorry, Fry," she replied, "but I have a…" she cast her eye around the room for inspiration. Zoidberg sat in the corner, trying to extricate residual cheese from a cheese grater. "…Cheese Grater Lover's convention." She smiled winningly, cursing inwardly at her lame excuse. Fry would buy it, though.
His face fell. "Oh. Okay. I understand." The delivery trudged off, despondent.
"Hey meatbag. What's the matter? You're all sad and slouchy," Bender asked from the couch as Fry entered the apartment.
"Aw, Leela turned me down again. She has a Cheese Grater Lover's convention tonight. She's always so busy."
"That's women for you," the robot said, chugging another beer and taking a puff of his cigar. "Hey, wait a second," he continued, narrowing his eyes, "that convention is tomorrow night!"
The redhead's jaw dropped. "She lied to me? Is she really that desperate not to go out with me?" He fell to the floor dramatically, holding his head in his hands.
"Ah, Fry, it's okay… she probably forgot what night it was," Bender said awkwardly, extending his arm so he could pat his friend on the shoulder without getting up from the couch. "You humans with all your emotions," he grumbled.
"She didn't forget! I can't believe she'd make up a fake excuse just to get out of having dinner with me."
"C'mere, Fry." Bender patted the couch beside him. "Humans like sweet things when they're sad, right? I have a cabbage," he offered, holding up the vegetable.
"Sorry, Bender, I'm not really in the mood for cabbage right now," he replied gloomily, accepting the offer of a place on the couch. The robot switched on the TV.
They sat in trancelike silence for an hour or so, mesmerized by 'All My Circuits'. The only movement outside of the screen was Bender's automatic lifting of the beer bottle to his artificial mouth.
"It was a mistake, falling for Leela," Fry said abruptly. "She never loved me, and she never will."
"Well, it's her loss. She probably only likes guys that have the Delta brain wave."
'Bender, you're not making me feel any better."
"Well, jeez, meatbag, I've had a little experience in love. It may be to your advantage to listen to my expert advice."
"You aren't in love with those fembots you always have around! They're floozies! You treat them like dirt! Leela's different. She treats me like dirt."
"Well, hey, I had a fling with the delivery ship that one time! That was a pretty authentic relationship, right?"
"Yeah, except that she was a huge spaceship and you dumped her in the most inconsiderate way possible."
"Now that's what I call true love."
Fry sighed, sliding down the couch in a deeper slump.
"Look, Fry, mistakes aren't always bad."
"This one is."
"Maybe you just made the wrong mistake."
"That makes less sense than when my old girlfriend dumped me eating her stupid diamond earrings. I thought they were the kind of diamond you eat."
"Skintube, Leela's shallow! Do you remember that time you got those parasites inside of you and it made you all strong and smart? She liked you then."
"You remember that, Bender?" the delivery boy was surprised.
"Yeah. Suddenly you knew that the refrigerator is less cold than the freezer, and how to use a spatula. You just weren't… you. I like you better stupid."
"Aww, thanks, Bender. I like you stupid, too."
Bender had more to say, but Fry seemed to think the conversation was over and transferred himself to his bed.
"'Night, Bender."
"But, Fry, I'm not tired. Don't go to sleep, I'll be bored."
"You have the TV, and that's way better than a friend."
"But I want to talk to you."
"Leave me alone, Bender." The redhead rolled over under the sheets, trying to hold back a girlish sob. Leela is like a distant star, beautiful, but far away and unreachable. But, wait. This is the future. You can travel to any star in practically minutes. Even my sappy similes fail.
"Meatbag, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Bender!" Fry said forcefully before bursting into tears.
The robot activated his equivalent of cocking one eyebrow- 'closing' half of one eye. "You don't sound okay. You're crying like a little girl. Crying means a human is sad, right?"
"Don't give me all that crap about having no emotions. I've seen you cry. I've seen you cry over a fembot. I hate it when you try to pretend that you can't feel anything."
"I feel things!"
"No, you don't! Wait, that was your argument. Never mind." Fry turned over in his bed so he was facing the wall.
"Meatbag… I'm sorry about Leela." Bender abandoned the couch and sat down on the edge of Fry's bed.
"It's okay. Bender, you're a good friend. All those times you almost killed me, I knew you wouldn't really."
"Well, you do pay half the rent." The robot awkwardly traced circles with a metal finger on the sheets. "Fry, did you ever think that women are… more trouble than they're worth?"
The delivery boy sat up, his hairhorn splayed in a dozen different directions. "What are you saying?"
Bender shrugged, and was silent again.
Fry's inadequate brain was working hard, fitting together the pieces. He frowned, glaring at the ceiling. The first time he and Bender had met, when Bender was afraid of people assuming they were robosexuals. The way that Bender had been so upset when Fry had kicked him out of their apartment because his antenna was screwing up the satellite signal. The way Bender had chopped off his own antenna on that same occasion just so he could be Fry's roommate. The overly long, affectionate hug he had received from Bender at that dinner he took them all out to when he converted to Robotology. The magnet that Bender had been wearing on his forehead as he waded out to the floating hippie van, singing a folksong after being thrown out of Beck's band. It had read "I [heart] Men."
"Bender!" he gasped, "You're in love with… Hermes!"
"Idiot," the robot grumbled before pushing Fry onto his back and gently pressing his mouth against Fry's lips.