Forbidden to Remember, Terrified to Forget

Part One

September 13th. I hated that day, I hated to be reminded of that day. But I also couldn't forget it, forget the way it changed the rest of my life -- correction, the rest of my existence. I never hated being immortal more then in this moment, because I never wanted to die more then right now. I could still see it all so fresh, leaving her in the woods, walking away from her. I never wanted to do that, to leave her like that but what choice did I have? I put her life in danger far too many times now. My angel, my love, my Bella. Just saying her name made it hurt, made me want to fall apart.

Telling her I didn't want her, that I would be easily distracted when I knew it was impossible. Nothing was as hard as that, all hundred years of my existence and none of it compared to the pain I felt when I ran through those trees. Not that first day I met her, not the burn in my throat was I wanted her, thought of ways to kill her just for that sweet scent of her blood. Not even once I tasted it after James attacked her. All of that was child's play next to that day in the woods.

"I just wish I could sleep." I said to myself, because I knew my dreams wouldn't be torture, waking up would be when I realized she was gone and it was my fault.

"Edward you need to go hunting." Esme said, as she came to find me once again, sitting in a tree staring out at the world and not seeing any of it. Starvation seemed like a good idea right now. She knew I wouldn't answer, but she always tried. I knew this was hurting her, to see me like this but I couldn't help it.

I'm so sorry about you, you aren't yourself anymore. I know you love her, but you made this choice, you had to know it would be difficult.

I knew she was trying to get me to listen, like they always made me try to listen -- their thoughts. The one thing I couldn't block out no matter how I tried. I just shook my head and jumped down, taking off running as always. But I could never outrun the memory, never outrun the worst thing I ever did.

----

October

November

December

It all passed so slowly. Just a blur of days and hours, and yet nothing seemed real, nothing seemed to dull with time. If anything it all was still so fresh. As if the days were taking longer then normal. Everyone around me seen the change, the way any life I had left in me slipped away. I was paler then normal, and my eyes were always black, due to my lack of hunting. But I enjoyed the burn I felt, it was my cross to bare for what I did to her. For the pain I caused her that day. My temper was getting the best of me, and everything seemed to set me over the edge, probably the reason I was planning to leave. I couldn't do this to them anymore, to let them see me slip away from reality.

Emmet and Rosalie didn't understand, so they left me alone. Esme had made it clear no one was allowed to upset me, and they respected that. Then there was Alice, the person I was closest to and the one I was sure to miss the most next to Bella. She also told me everything was fine, but never mentioned Bella, I told her not to, not to look for Bella's future, to leave her be. She either did, or blocked her thoughts, because she never told me anything, even in her thoughts. Carlisle was the most helpful, he avoided me at all costs, and blocked his mind when he was near me. He didn't want to make this worse, and I thanked him for that. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone. Even if it was to wallow in my self pity. Jasper was always trying to make it better, trying to change my mood but I never let him. I needed to feel this, I deserved to feel this. The hole in my chest where a heart should have been, I knew it was irrational. My heart stopped beating long ago, but that didn't matter to me it was a hole. A hole that would never be healed!

I went up to what they claimed as my room and sat there in the dark, listening to the wine whistle through the trees and cringed. It was in perfect tempo with her with her lullaby, the one I wrote for her. I hadn't even looked at my piano since that day, it was there in the living room but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be reminded of what I lost, I already had enough memories.

"Go away." I growled as I heard Emmet and Alice approaching. Esme sent them, I could hear it in their thoughts, they didn't want me to go. But how could I stay? How could I stay when I know it was killing them to see me like this?

Not until you hear us out. Alice's voice shot through my mind, and I looked away from the door, there was no stopping her.

"Man you can't leave," Emmet said as they came in the room and found me in the darkness. "Where would you go?"

"It doesn't matter," was all I said shaking my head. Nothing mattered without her.

"Of course it does, you can't just walk away from the family." Emmet tried again, but Alice stood there silent. She knew none of this was helping, but she understood his need to try. There was doubt there would be a hole in the family if Edward left. So she left Emmet keep going, getting it all out.

"Emmet, I know what you are trying to do and it won't work. I don't belong her anymore." I said and continued to stare at the wall. I don't belong anywhere. I said to myself, hoping they wouldn't hear me.

I waited for Alice to speak, knowing she was trying to put something together, but in her mind she was counting in Italian, surely trying to keep whatever she had away from me.

"I didn't want to do this." Emmet said and I grabbed him before he could get it out, throwing him into the wall. I could hear it in his thoughts.

Bella wouldn't want this, no matter how it ended she wouldn't want you do this to yourself. To have you fall apart like this, a mess.

"You have no right!" I screamed, more of a growl, more intense then I knew I was capable of. But Emmet just pushed me off him and went on.

"You need to hear this, you need to understand what you are doing. You made your choice, you chose to walk away and we all followed without a second thought. You made the choice to walk away from her, now deal with it! Didn't you think of what it would be like?" He screamed.

"That's so easy for you to say, you know what Rosalie is doing, you see her every day. Go to bed each night knowing she is next to you, knowing she is fine. I don't have that luxury, and its killing me. To not know she's ok, to not know how this is affecting her. To know there's a chance she moved on, found someone else to love, to take away the pain I caused her when I left. But knowing it was what needed to be done -- to protect her! So don't you stand there and act like this is easy, like it can be fixed over night because it can't. Leave Rosalie somewhere and then come talk to me, maybe then you'll get it." I screamed and threw open the window, prepared to jump out but something in Alice's mind stopped me.

"Tell me you're wrong." I said and watched as my sisters face was blank. "Where is she?"

It all moved so fast, I don't know. I read her thoughts trying to find an answer but there was nothing, she was. Emmet stared at us confused by was immediately at Alice's side.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know, she isn't in Forks." I backed away, into the wall and tried to breath, I knew I didn't need the air, but I needed to do something. I needed to focus on something that wasn't panic. Bella wasn't safe, she wasn't in Forks. She wasn't safe with Charlie in the confines of a normal existence.

"What is going on?" Carlisle said as he came in my room but I barely seen him. I was trying not to panic, it was all such a mess in my head. Where would she go, was she headed to Jacksonville with her mother? Or maybe Phoenix with someone else? Would she be ok, would she have someone watching out for her? I seen them all whispering and couldn't stand it, so I dove out the window and started to run. I knew I didn't know where she was, I knew I didn't know where to find her, but I had to look.

We don't know where she is yet, let me see if I can figure it out before you go looking for her. Besides its not like you can just go to Charlie and ask him. I'm pretty sure he hates you right now. I could hear Alice behind me, all her thoughts and came to a crashing halt. She was right!

"You need to go, you need to go to Forks and ask Charlie. Please." I begged, though I should have known it wasn't necessary. If anyone was taking this close to as bad as me, it was Alice. She loved Bella like family and I shouldn't be so harsh to her.

"Calm down, we'll go see Charlie. Well I will and you can stay in the shadows, I will see what I can do." She said and I nodded, I just needed to know she was ok.

As hard as I know this is on you, its good to see you upset, at least its something compared to the ghost I hated to see.

"I'm sorry, I know you miss her too." I said softly and stood there.

"Go hunt, if we are going to get on a plane and be around people then you need to get your self control back." She said and then I looked at her, I couldn't even remember where we were now, I never even bothered to know.

"How far away are we?"

"I'll make the arrangements, just try to pull yourself together somewhat before I have two people to worry about." She said and was gone, but I knew she was right. I couldn't go searching for Bella in my current state, I needed to put myself together. I needed to figure out what I was going to say once I did find her.

----

It felt like days, as I ran back to the house from the forest. I ate the first thing I found, a couple of deer and headed to find Alice. There were a million thoughts running through my mind as I thought of how my day changed so drastically. I started out a shell, no life, no light anymore. No laughter, no smiles and here I was showing determination for the first time. I was off to Forks, the one place I swore I would never go to again as I searched out my Bella. I grabbed my chest as I said her name, feeling the edges of the hole raw again with agitation and mentally tried to prepare myself for whatever came next.

If I found her, did I go back to her? Drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness and promise to never leave again? What if she wasn't happy, what if she was miserable -- was I ready for that? Could I see her that upset and walk away? Maybe she was happy, but was I ready for that either? Could I really stand there and watch her with someone else, knowing I wanted it to be me. As I got to the house Alice was already having Jasper through a bag into the car, surely for me. Knowing I wouldn't waste time packing, I could buy anything I needed, but I couldn't wait to get to her. To find her and see for myself that she was ok.

Rosalie and Emmet stood there with Carlisle and Esme waiting for me to say something but I didn't. I raised my hand and pinched my nose, trying to make all their mental thoughts stop. It was as if they were screaming.

Be careful son, I'm sure it won't be easy for you no matter how you find her. Happy or sad it's going to tear you apart, not that you're not already there. Carlisle, he was always trying to help me.

I hope you find the peace you need to come back to us, its been a long time since I seen my Edward. That was Esme, always the motherly figure, wanting everything to be perfect. She was also the only one that ever truly experienced true loss. She knew the pain I was in, she knew how it made you want to die -- what sent her over that cliff in the first place.

You clearly love her if you are this determined to find her, I should have seen it all along. I'm sorry I didn't understand before. It was the first nice thing Rosalie ever said to me and meant and I thanked her for that.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that earlier. I wouldn't be dealing well if I had to loose Rose, so I guess I really don't understand. I just wanted my brother back, my real brother. Emmet made his plea and then it was Jasper's turn.

Good luck, I'd go but Alice is insisting I stay her. Protect her for me, and let me know if I'm needed. I never want to know the pain you are in now. I could understand his plea and nodded, this was when my gift came in handy. I knew everyone had their own thoughts of what I was doing and this was my private way to hear them. I hated being the spectacle, and now I wasn't -- or not fully.

As I got in the car with Alice, I felt as if I could truly understand what was happening. Like could find a way to survive this. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I eventually found her, but I did know my choice would be made. All I needed was one look to know where I belonged --- with her, or forever without her.

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A/N : OK SO I PLANNED THIS TO BE A ONE-SHOT, BUT IT WAS LONGER THEN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT, SO I FIGURED I WOULD SPLIT IT IN THREE. HIS JOURNEY TO HER, FINDING HER, AND WHAT HAPPENS AFTER HE FINDS HER.