With apologies to Hideo Kojima.

"I'm a little torn," Beast Boy admitted.

Raven looked up from her novel--a shallow, trashy romance that she'd picked up on the cheap. For low-grade, mysoginistic vampire smut, it wasn't necessarily awful.

No, it's unnecessarily awful, she thought with a mischievous grin. "Between?"

Beast Boy looked up at her, taking note of her grin. On the rare occasion that Raven smiled--truly smiled, happily and without reservation--his heart ached. When she had a look of devilish glee on her face, he usually had one of two reactions: instant arousal, or vague fear.

This was one of the latter occasions.

He ignored his first impulse--to edge away from her slowly; futile, since the absurdly large front window behind him made certain that his attempt at escape would be short-lived--and instead looked her in the eye, proudly, like the brave soldier he fancied himself to be.

"...You must be wondering why I'm grinning," said Raven, still putting the Cheshire Cat to shame. "Don't let that stop you from answering the question."

"Question?" D'oh! Shoot. "Right, right, that. Um. You know, between...uh..."

Raven's grin was gone as quickly as it had come. She raised an eyebrow quizzically. Beast Boy knew full-well that she wasn't the type to let something go without an answer; for better or for worse, he had her attention. And if he didn't provide an answer post-haste, it would definitely be for worse. "You know, uh. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. Stuff like that."

God bless you, Mel Gibson. And God bless your screenwriter. Whoever that was.

Raven's expression did change. She tilted her head, shut her book, and sat up straight on the couch, now all-business. "Is there something that you're trying to tell me, Beast Boy?"

Beast Boy's lungs voided themselves of air involuntarily.

"Because, you know...uh..." Words of comfort and care were not Raven's strong suit, even towards someone she loved as tenderly as Beast Boy. Mocking barbs of sarcasm, on the other hand...

But this occasion doesn't call for that. "...you know we're here for you. All of us. And, um, I am too. Because. We all…care…for you. And...yeah."

Beast Boy stared at the blushing, incredibly uncomfortable girl--genuinely moved, but no less confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Hamlet, act three scene one!" called Starfire from the kitchen. She tugged a wooden spoon out from a bowl containing some concoction (it took her some doing; whatever it was seemed to be the unholy union of molasses and cement) and held it to her mouth, gripping it with both hands like a microphone. "'To die," she gasped in overdramatic, hammy fashion, "to sleep no more, and by a sleep we say to end--'"

"Yes, I've read the play, Starfire," said Raven irritably. "Perhaps someone else in this room ought to?" She glared pointedly at Beast Boy, who was now at a loss for words. "I'd be embarrassed if the alien from across the galaxy had read one of the greatest classics that this planet has to offer before I had. Wouldn't you?"

"I--um..."

"You realize it's standard reading in most high school English classes, right?" Raven continued. Such was the price of inadvertently toying with her emotions. "Perhaps we should send you off to school, let you get an earful of it."

"I should probably go," Beast Boy said quickly, jumping to his feet and tearing out the door.

"I think we could convince the warden to let Mad Mod out for the day!" Raven called after him as the doors slammed shut, leaving her alone with Starfire as she continued to unashamedly recite Shakespeare.

"Well what the hell was I supposed to say?!" Beast Boy snapped. "You put yourself in my situation. Not a lot comes to mind, eh?!"

"Well, first off, I ain't stupid enough to get caught in that situation, but were I to find myself in your predicament--goddamn axel—I'd probably say anything except for a line from Hamlet where he's contemplating suicide," Cyborg said, straining with something beneath the T-Car. "I mean, aside from the fact that she's probably read it in every language known to man--"

"Everybody's a nerd except for me," grumbled Beast Boy.

"--she'll probably come to the conclusion that you just said the first thing that came to mind, speculate that you're trying to decide on something, and dedicate her time to figuring out just what that something is." Cyborg pulled himself back out and sat up, resting his back against the car's front bumper. "And for the record, I had to write an essay on that passage. I got a B+ on it."

"I'm sure you relished the gold star," said Beast Boy. "Now are you going to help me with this or not?"

Cyborg considered the question. "What was that second one?"

Beast Boy's ears drooped. "'Or not.'"

"Yeah, that's the one." He disappeared back under the car. "Fight your own battles, make your own decisions, and reap what you sow, B."

Beast Boy scowled at Cyborg--except he couldn't see his upper torso, so he settled for scowling at his calves. "Man, you're the least helpful robot ever. Why can't you be more like WALL-E? Or C-3PO?"

"Because I am a man, my prepubescent little grass stain," he called from beneath the car. "And maybe someday, you'll learn just what that means."

***

"--so yeah, Cy's out, Starfire's still trying to make Greek Fire…or was it Baked Alaska? Whatever; what I'm trying to say is that you're kind of my last option," Beast Boy concluded. "There's really nobody else I can trust to keep her occupied, so um. What do you say?"

"I'd say you're up a creek and without a paddle," sighed Robin as he lifted the dumbbell. "But you could probably just morph into a salmon and swim back up, so I'm at a loss in the analogy department."

"Robiiiiiin," whined Beast Boy. "I'll do whatever you want. I'll take your late-night patrols. I'll...ooh! I'll do your laundry! I'll take your dishwashing duties for a month, just pleeeaaaase, please help me with this--"

Robin set the weight down, looked Beast Boy square in the eye, and smiled wryly."At what point did I say that I wouldn't?"

Beast Boy practically voided his bowels with glee. "You mean--you mean--"

"She'd better like it though," he said, scowling abruptly. "And you damn well better make a decision soon."

Beast Boy leaped to his feet and darted out of the gym. Robin sprinted to the door and leaned out of the frame. "And if she's pissed at me afterward, you get to deal with it!" he shouted to the retreating Beast Boy.

Grinning from ear to ear with pride, anticipation and the knowledge that he'd secured a bargain deal from a salesman notorious for nickel-and-diming his customers, Beast Boy strode down the street to Titan's Tower with a medium-sized package wrapped and topped off neatly with a bow in his hands.

And they say it's not easy bein' green. Beast Boy grinned wider. "Ohhh, I'm on top of the world/Lookin' down on creation--"

"--and the only explanation I can find is one with BEES!" supplied a deep, gravelly voice.

Beast Boy's grin flopped upside-down. He pressed a hand to his face. "Oh, lord..."

"Your god cannot save you now!" hissed a second voice. "For now you find yourself in a world of FEAR beyond imagination!" Dangling from a fire-escape on a building to his left was The Fear, forked tongue darting out of his mouth intermittently. Next to him was The Pain, a swarm of hornets buzzing around his head.

"Yo, The Fear. The Pain." Beast Boy greeted in a deadpan. "Look, I'm kind of busy, so--"

The Pain interrupted with a mighty bellow. "I'M COVERED IN BEES!"

"Yes, I can see that. But I have somewhere I need to be, so can we just--"

"The only place you need to be is HELL!" roared a third intruder. Beast Boy did a heel-face turn just in time to see The Fury, decked out in his black pressure suit, white-hot exhaust billowing from his jetpack, black helmet blocking his face from sight.

Beast Boy barely had time to let out a "meep" before The Fury's flame thrower did what it was built to do.

"...sixteen...seventeen...oh, don't quit on me now, Raven..."

"Ugh...you picked...a hell of a time to give an impromptu fitness test," Raven groaned. She struggled to raise herself up on her arms, gave up and collapsed in a panting, sweaty mess on the floor of the gym.

Robin stood over her, arms folded, face stony. "We need to be in prime physical form at all times, Raven," he insisted "Your mind might be sharp as a thistle, but your upper body strength leaves a lot to be desired."

"And why doesn't Starfire have to partake in this not-at-all-tedious activity?" Raven asked through grit teeth as she propped herself up on her arms again.

"Remember when she caught that asteroid in the stratosphere and hurled it into the sun like it was Broly? Yeah, that's why," Robin replied, a bit of a dopey smile on his face.

Raven decided that she couldn't in all good conscience strike someone who was so retardedly in love. She dropped down and struggled to raise herself back up. "Nnnng...s-seventeen..."

"Robin!" called Starfire from down the hall. "Robin, cease your diversion! We are needed elsewhere!"

Raven collapsed a second time, and glared at Robin. "Did she say 'diversion?'"

Beast Boy thudded hard against the sidewalk, ignoring the mirthful laughter of his enemies. Were he not quite so battered, he'd consider a pan-blackened chicken joke, but this was a serious moment. There was a time and a place for humor, and this wasn't it.

A shadow came over his face. He blinked; some large dark shape was blocking the sun from cooking his eyes within their sockets. Some round silhouette with long blond hair dropping down from her--

Oh.

"Beast Boy," Tara greeted cordially.

"Tara."

"You doing alright?"

Beast Boy considered. "Could be worse."

"You need a hand?"

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!"

Beast Boy shook his head. "I can manage." He was a lion moments later, bounding back into the fray, ignoring the dozens of hornets streaking his way.

Tara couldn't help but smile at it all, before she turned around and walked back the way she had come.

"You're kidding, right? The Cobra Unit? The World War II Cobra Unit? Again?" Cyborg asked, unable to fathom just what he was hearing.

Robin shook his head in disbelief. "They just can't get over the fact that FOXHOUND got a crossover story and they didn't. It's sad, really."

"An unfinished crossover," muttered Raven. "So did Beast Boy say just how much trouble he was in? I hope he's got things under control, because some thoughtless soul decided to rob me of all feeling in my arms."

Robin rolled his eyes. He so owes me.

The T-Car screeched to a halt as they came to the scene--an intersection where a napalm-induced fire was still burning and clouds of hornets were buzzing willy-nilly. In a heap on one end of the crosswalk were The Pain and The Fear. The Fury had taken to the skies, and was beating a quick retreat the hell out of there. In the center of the intersection was a somewhat scorched but otherwise unharmed Beast Boy, on his knees, cradling some charred object in his arms.

The other four Titans were taken aback by the bizarre nature of this scene.

"Unnh..." moaned The Fear. "Perhaps we should just cut our losses, accept our low lot in life and make a discreet exit from here."

"I'm covered in bees," replied The Pain sagely.

The Fear cracked a smile at him. "That you are, old friend."

Raven went straight to his side, as Starfire and Robin rounded up the remaining Cobras (Cyborg just leaned against his car, watching Raven and Beast Boy knowingly). She knelt by him. "Are...you okay?"

Beast Boy slowly turned his head to look at her, lips pouting. He presented her with what was in his arms--something black and ashy and completely unrecognizable, devoid of any distinguishable form or features.

"Yeah...yeah, napalm will do that." She nudged his shoulder. "At least that was all it got, right?"

Beast Boy didn't reply. She settled in, sitting down next to him. Comfort and care were most definitely not her strong suit. Strangely enough, that didn't seem to hinder her this time. "You got this for me, didn't you?"

Beast Boy nodded numbly.

"And you got Robin to distract me with horrible fitness tests and Tae Bo so that I wouldn't find out, didn't you?"

Beast Boy stared blankly at her. "I didn't know he was gonna do that."

"It's Robin, Beast Boy. Just what were you expecting?" He didn't reply to that, so she just pulled herself closer to him and leaned against his shoulder. "Somehow, I thought we were at the point where you understood that material gifts are irrelevant, and that simply having you with me is worth more than anything that money--"

"Or jewels," added Beast Boy.

Raven smiled, genuinely and without reservation. "Yes, Beast Boy, or jewels. Anything that money or jewels can buy."

That smile--the one she saved just for him, the one that made his heart ache and buzz louder than any of The Pain's obnoxious hornets--sent a flood of warmth washing through his body. He mirrored her happy, contented expression. "Even an aircraft carrier?"

"Especially an aircraft carrier." She wrapped an arm around his waist; he rested his cheek against her shoulder. "Because for some bizarre reason that leaves the academic community baffled, I am in love with you."

Beast Boy smiled against her shoulder. "Yeah...I know the feeling."

...

"What about ten aircraft carriers?"

"Beast Boy."

"Right. Moment, don't ruin."

SNAAAAKE EEEAATEEEER...

...

(snaaaaake eeeaaateeer...)