Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: I was cruising through my music library when I came across Sugar Lumps by Flight of the Conchords and I couldn't resist. Shout out to moonswirl for the idea about the Cell Block Tango. I would suggest watching the video on YouTube to get better idea of the choreography, I'm not extremely good at writing that down. This is my first song-fic, so please be gentle. Reviews are indeed love.
Schuester thought it would be a good idea to pit girls against guys again. It was a awhile until Regionals and the Glee teens were getting antsy. He gave them two weeks to prepare.
The girls were not going to let themselves be embarrassed like they were last time. They began working diligently on their number.
The boys on the other hand were tired of fighting over which song to perform. One day, during a particularly nasty argument over a song, Matt had an idea.
Without saying a word he plugged his iPod into the sound system of the auditorium and pressed play. At first, everyone looked around, confused. As the song continued they laughed, then they danced, then began to sing along.
Matt smirked proudly at his idea. Mike pointed at his friend and shouted "You the man!!" across the auditorium. Puck scraped his palm against Matt's and bumped fists. It was decided and they began right away.
&&&&&
The day arrived and the girls won the coin toss. The boys watched as each girl, Brittany excluded, confessed to a murder. Finn had a hard time controlling himself as he watched, but he continued to think about mail and mailmen.
When their time finally arrived they smiled at each other and took their places on the risers of the choir room.
Mike and Kurt stood stage right, while Artie and Finn were stage left. Puck and Matt stood further down and center stage.
"Puck, the ladies getting crazy for my sugar lumps." Matt said to Puck.
"You're what?" Puck asked.
"Check it out," Matt said, turning Puck to look at the girls in the audience. "All the ladies are just checking out my sugar lumps."
The music started and Matt began to rap.
I see you girls checkin' out my trunks
Mat slapped the side of his hands onto his thighs indicating his nether regions.
I see you girls checkin' out the front of my trunks
I see you girls checkin' out my junk,
Matt twisted his hips around and and looked at his back side.
then checkin' out my rump, then back to my sugarlumps
Matt took a step back as Finn took his place.
When I shake it, I shake it all up
Finn grooved to the music as only a white man can.
You probably think that my pants have the mumps
He pointed at his goods before taking a step back and creating a single line on the risers.
It's just my sugarlumps bump ba bump
They all sang as seductively as their growing humor would allow.
They look so good, that's why I keep 'em in the front.
Kurt stepped forward from the line. He popped his hips modestly in time with the music.
All the ladies checkin' out my sugarlumps
The drive the ladies cra-azy
Kurt stepped back and Puck took his place. He confidently thrust his hips and gestured with the music.
All these bitches checkin' out my britches
Put 'em in a trance when I wear track pants
My dungarees make them hun-ga-ree
They're over the moon when I don pantaloons
Puck sent one last smirk towards the girls as Artie rolled to the center. He spun his chair with impressive skill as he rapped.
My sugarlumps are two of a kind - sweet and white and highly refined
Honies try all kinds of tomfoolery to steal a feel of my family jewelry
My cannonballs cause a kerfuffle - the ladies they hustle to ruffle my truffle
If you party with the Party Prince, you get two complimentary after-dinner mints
Artie tossed a pair of mints into the air towards the girls. The boys stepped forward to meet Artie. The danced in unison, their hips swaying and and their steps purposeful.
We see you girls checkin' out our trunks
We see you girls checkin' out the front of our trunks
We see you girls checkin' out our junk, then checkin' out our rumps,
They rotated their hips and quickly slapped their butts.
then back to our sugarlumps.
They stepped back as Mike stepped forward. Although there were no words, Mike popped and locked and made several gestures to his manhood. Finally Matt stepped forward and began:
Chillin at my store, doin' my thing, when in walks a guy with his dick in a sling
I'm like, "Holy shit, what happened to you?
Mike supplied the character for Matt.
He said, "How much will you give me for the family jewels?"
I said "Ten bucks" He said "No way!"
"Ten bucks and a Frisbee" He said "Okay"
And I took his sugarlumps and put 'em up in a display, and sold 'em as hacky sacks later that day
They joined together again and stepped in unison. Their arms crossed their chests and they wiggled their hips as the song ended.
All the ladies they want a taste of my sugarlumps
Sweet sugarlumps yeah
All the ladies they want a taste of my sugarlumps
Sweet sugarlumps.
The all high fived each other when the song was over.
"Well," Shuester started, "That was.... something to see, alright." He was trying not to laugh, because the song was truly inappropriate, but he could tell how much fun they had had. And he never seen team work like that from them before, especially since Babygate.
He simply slapped Matt on the back, shook his head and walked from the room.
The girls blushed as they shuffled from the room and tried not to look below any belts.