The first time he heard anything from him was on TV.
"…that this shouldn't be the norm. Queer kids shouldn't have to hide who they are in fear of rejection. They constantly fear the remarks, sneers, even violence against them. This is the world that we live in. This discrimination has to stop, because yes, gay rights are human rights. Everyone should have the right to be themselves, regardless of their sexuality or gender. I am sick of people coming to me, emailing me about what they are going through…"
Sherlock only absentmindedly listened to the speech, his focus on the person in the corner of the pub. For weeks he had tried to track him down and now he finally had him. Looking at it now it didn't surprise him that Lestrade hadn't been able to pin him down.
The man in question had robbed four banks in the span of three weeks. There had been nearly no clues, no evidence and the Yarders had been frustrated to no end. After listening to Lestrade practically begging him to help Sherlock had agreed, thinking that this would be an easy case, done in a few days. How wrong he had been.
"…getting fired because of their sexuality. This isn't right. Actually, I call that fucked up. As long as I don't suck the cock of my boss it shouldn't matter what my sexual preferences are. Besides, the…"
Sherlock smiled a bit at the bluntness of the man who was holding the speech, but was suddenly distracted when his target moved over to the bar and sat down.
"Can't you switch the channel? I'm tired of listening to such bullshit," the man complained and the bartender nodded. Sherlock almost rolled his eyes. It wasn't like anyone had to listen to the speech.
"Excuse me, have I seen you before?" Sherlock started a conversation with the robber.
Five minutes later he had him on the ground, handcuffed. "You were quite a piece of work."
In response he only got a grunt. Fair enough.
The second time was by accident.
"Where is it? Where could it be?"
Sherlock huffed and threw another newspaper away. There was no clue! What had that woman been talking about? She could've at least told him the date.
No newspaper held any information on anything. Fifty-two, fifty-two newspapers he had gone through, nothing. This was agonising. He sighed and picked another one up. This one was from nearly two months ago. He scanned it, coming across an article, a face. He had seen that man before, but where? Hm, it had been on TV. A bar. Oh! He remembered. He read the article, not really knowing why.
John H. Watson, human rights activist. Specifically, for LGBT rights. Sherlock didn't know why he found this so interesting. It didn't affect him in any way. He wasn't straight, but he had never had any problems because of his sexuality thus far. Why should he care?
The clue wasn't in this newspaper either.
This would take quite a while.
Sometimes Sherlock wished he wasn't alone.
The third time was in a way the first.
Why was this taking so long?
Sherlock was getting impatient. Which idiot was taking such a long time to pay for his groceries? Other people in front of him were also losing their patience and he decided to investigate. He walked by other customers until he reached the incompetent person.
"You bloody thing! Just let me-"
"Do you need help?" Sherlock asked and the man turned around. He was met with blue eyes.
"I-sorry, it's not working and yes, I know that I'm inconveniencing everyone here, but it won't work!" he accusingly pointed at the PIN and Chip machine.
Sherlock didn't know what was more odd. That apparently the machine was at fault for the man's incompetence or that he knew the man.
He walked to the machine and pulled the credit card out, then put it in again.
"Try it," he said and watched as the blond looked at him confused. He entered his code and his eyes widened. "How did you-it worked! But…" he pulled the card out and smiled sheepishly at the person behind him. "Sorry…"
Afterwards he turned to Sherlock. "Thank you! I don't know why it didn't work before. I think you saved my life. The woman behind me looked at me like she was ready to commit murder," he chuckled. Sherlock pondered over if that would've been more interesting.
"It's fine. I was just tired of waiting. I'm a busy man," Sherlock told him. He was busy ignoring Lestrade who thought he was sulking. He never sulked.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry again," the man said. "I'd better get going then. I've got to finish my work," he said and Sherlock raised an eyebrow. "Writing another speech, Watson?"
"Yes. Wait, oh! You recognised me? That doesn't happen all too often," John smiled. "Usually people don't care about what I do. I don't understand why. It's important to talk about such things."
Sherlock shrugged, "I just know you because I stumbled over an article about you. Seems like you're very interested in wrestling certain issues."
John nodded and frowned. "Of course I am. Are you not?" he asked.
"Not really," he replied honestly. "So far nothing what you've talked about has affected me in any way. I don't see the point in caring."
He seemed to have said the wrong thing, because John suddenly glared at him. "Just because it doesn't affect you, doesn't mean it affects no one!" he told him angrily. "Other people suffer because of discrimination and you should care! The whole world doesn't revolve around you, so how about you start caring?"
Sherlock was a bit taken aback at the sudden outburst and people were looking in their direction. "Do you really want to cause a scene here?"
John's cheeks suddenly reddened and he shook his head. "No. I'm sorry, I…just care a lot and I wish more people would. Look, it doesn't matter if you're straight and you think you're not allowed to talk about any of this. You are, your opinion matters. Think about what other people go through every day. I wonder how I can make you understand…how about… I'm doing a speech in a week here in London. They should do a live-broadcast on Tuesday. Watch it. Not because I want to be in the spotlight or anything. I only want you to see that our country could do better, Europe could. The whole world. And if I can make one person come round and make them support LGBT rights then I've already done a pretty good job."
John looked at the time, "I should be going. Watch it, okay? I hope it will change your mind."
With that he was gone and Sherlock wondered what had just happened.
And how John had come to the conclusion that he was straight.
The fourth time he had been forced to.
He found himself sitting in the living room on a Tuesday night, ignoring any calls from Lestrade, asking how long this sulk was going to last.
It was ridiculous that he was doing this. A stranger had asked him to watch him hold a speech about issues that had never affected him in any way. So, why was he sitting here? He had no idea.
John appeared on screen, smiling and walking on stage. Why were they making such a fuss about a simple speech? What good could words do? John wouldn't be able to suddenly change everyone's minds. He strived to change the world, but he would fail. Part of Sherlock hoped that John knew that.
He watched the entire speech, trying to find contradictions in his arguments. He wanted to show John that this was futile, that he couldn't do this alone. He couldn't change people.
He wanted to save John from the downfall, from the pain when he realised it had all been for naught.
When John walked off stage Sherlock felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. Pity. He pitied John. All his points had been precise, making Sherlock think about the world, the laws, the hatred towards people who were different from the norm.
He pitied John, because there was no going back. He believed so strongly, he was filled with so much determination that he could change people's believes, that he would never admit defeat. Not even when reality would set in. John was at the point of no return, and Sherlock didn't dare to think about how he would feel if he failed.
And so he hoped that he would succeed.
The fifth time was different.
The world is small! Sorry if this is weird…you'll think I'm weird now, won't you? …Maybe this isn't such a good idea. Anyway, you know Mike Stamford, right? Because he knows you! I've been friends with him since school and I was talking to him about you. I had no idea that you two are also friends! So, long story short he told me your name and that you had a website, so here I am. Sorry that I'm not here to give you a case (what you're doing is amazing! A consulting detective, wow. I had no idea.).
Oh, if you don't know who I am by now it's John. I'm here to check if you've watched the speech. Also, I'm not a stalker, don't worry! Mike said that this is a bit…stalkerish, but I don't think so. I really hope you watched it, the speech, I mean. I hope I was able to change your mind. The whole time I was on stage I kept thinking about you. I want you to become an ally!
This mail is strange, isn't it? But I've written so much now that I don't care. Please reply and tell me what you thought. (did my voice crack? It does that sometimes)
Thanks for reading!
John Watson
Maybe John was a stalker. Sherlock read the email a few times, wondering if he should reply. He had watched the speech. It didn't have to be a long reply.
The world truly is small. I watched your speech. It was very good, you had great arguments.
Sherlock Holmes
There. That was a good reply. Not too long in case John really was a stalker. He had told him his speech had been good. He should be satisfied.
A few hours later he got a reply.
That's it? Come on! What did you think about it? Did it change your mind? I really hope it did. That was my goal this time.
John Watson
He had to write more? And here he had thought he could finish this quickly.
It made me think about some laws and xenophobia. I agree that it would benefit everyone if the discrimination of LGBT people stopped. So yes, I can say that you changed my mind.
Sherlock Holmes
Fantastic! I told you I would be able to do it! I feel a lot better now. Being on stage is still scary. At least I achieved my goal. Thank you for watching! Mike said that you were scary, but you're not. I have no idea why he would think that.
John W.
I am scary. Do you always have goals when you hold a speech?
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock was genuinely interested now. He had come to the conclusion that John wasn't a stalker. He was far too civil for that.
Yup. This time the goal was to change your mind. It's different from my usual goal.
Say, constantly writing emails is a bit…stupid. How about we text? I feel like we have a lot to say to each other. Here's my number.
John
Okay. This could be dangerous. John could still be a stalker, but… Oh well.
He saved the number and texted him.
Better? I hope you are not a stalker. -SH
Me? A stalker? You hurt my feelings. Come on, what would be the point of me stalking you? -JW
I am a consulting detective. I have many enemies. -SH
I'm not your enemy. -JW
What are you then? -SH
That's your decision. -JW
The next times he started it.
No cases. I'm bored. Give me murder. -SH
I'm regretting ever giving you my number. I had no idea that you liked to sulk. -JW
I am not sulking! -SH
They had been texting each other for a few months now, nearly every day. Sherlock didn't know how this had happened, but he didn't mind. It was nice talking to John. They sometimes talked on the phone and complained about anything and everyone. John didn't mind him talking about murder and Sherlock didn't mind when John asked him to help with a speech. It was good this way.
They shared their lives, stories about what happened to them. They joked and Sherlock smiled and laughed when he talked to John. John suggested that they meet up when he was in London again and Sherlock said yes. He wanted to meet him again.
This time was strange.
Another case solved. It had become a tradition that whenever he solved a case that he would text John or call him and they would celebrate it in their own way.
Sherlock sat down on the couch and got out his phone, deciding to text him first. He didn't want to disturb him in case he was talking to other people. Since when did he care?
I've solved it! It was the cow. I can't believe I didn't think about that before. -SH
He didn't get a reply for half an hour. John must be busy, he thought.
Great. -JW
Sherlock hesitated. This was odd. John never replied like that. He usually told him how brilliant he was, how amazing his deduction skills were.
It is. -SH
I'm sorry. It's great that you solved it. -JW
Something was off. Sherlock felt a strange feeling wash over him.
Are you alright? -SH
I'm fine. I was just busy, sorry. -JW
So, tell me everything about it! I want to hear every detail! -JW
Sherlock smiled and started telling him about the conclusion of the case. He should've figured that John had been busy. They spent the night texting each other and Sherlock couldn't be any happier.
This time he understood what had happened.
"I'm glad I'm back in London," John smiled at him as they walked down the street.
John had come back from holding a speech in Liverpool and they had met up like they had planned to do. After dinner at Angelo's they were heading to Baker Street.
"Nothing changed, so you didn't miss anything," Sherlock told him. He was nervous about John seeing his flat. He didn't know why. It was just his flat, but…he wanted John to like it.
John nodded and they walked in silence for a few moments. "I've missed seeing you," he finally said and looked at him. "Talking on the phone and texting is not the same."
"It isn't. I've been wanting to see your face when you get grossed out by my cases," Sherlock smirked and John laughed, causing Sherlock's chest to feel warm.
"I never knew that that was why you wanted to see me again," he joked and they reached Baker Street. Sherlock opened the door and they walked up to his flat. He unlocked the door and let them in.
He watched John look around, hoping he wouldn't say anything about how messy it was. To his surprise John only smiled warmly at him. "I like it."
They drank a glass of wine and Sherlock told him about his worst cases, delightfully watching John when he grimaced. He knew that John didn't mind. Actually he was starting to think that John liked it.
As it was starting to turn midnight John looked at him strangely.
"Is something wrong?" Sherlock asked confused and John shook his head.
"No, nothing. I… Sherlock, I've been meaning to tell you something," he said and looked away. "I'm…" he chuckled and looked at him again, expression changing. "I like you."
Sherlock hadn't thought that he would say this. He froze, trying to think about what he should say. John could mean anything by that. Surely he wasn't-
"I like you a lot. And I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable by that. You're straight and I…like you. I never wanted to feel this way. It happened, I can't change it."
John looked like he was ready to be rejected and Sherlock started to laugh. He couldn't help himself. Something about this situation was funny. John actually thought that he would reject him.
"John. How did you come to the conclusion that I'm straight?" he said.
"But you are. When we first met-"
"I never said anything about my sexuality. It wasn't necessary. It never has been," Sherlock cut him off. "Before you go on I want to tell you that I think I like you too. I like you a lot."
He would never forget John's expression of pure happiness. He would never forget their first kiss.
This time had been the most terrifying.
Sherlock groaned when he was awoken by his phone beeping. Who in their right mind would wake him when he was sleeping? He sat up and grabbed his phone. It was a text from John. It was four o'clock in the morning.
Three months had passed since they started dating and one since John had left again. Sometimes he hated the fact that his boyfriend was a human rights activist.
He opened the message and frowned.
I'm sorry. -JW
What are you sorry for? For waking me up at this hour of the day? -SH
No. -JW
I can't do this anymore. -JW
Sherlock swallowed, did John mean their relationship? But everything had gone so well. They talked every day. John even made time when he was busy.
If I did something wrong, then I apologise. -SH
You didn't do anything. -JW
Fuck, Sherlock you never did. I should've told you. I never should've let you get this close. -JW
What was he talking about?
I don't understand. -SH
I know. I wanted to tell you that one time. Do you remember the day we got together? I didn't want to tell you that I liked you. I wanted to say something else. -JW
What? -SH
I…I fucked up. Sherlock, why? Why do you like me? I'm such a fuck up. -JW
I don't want to hurt you. I told you that Mike was my friend. He isn't. I don't really like him. -JW
I don't like anyone. I never let myself like anyone. -JW
But I like you. -JW
And that was a mistake. -JW
Sherlock still didn't know what John was talking about, but this wasn't good at all.
John, what's wrong? -SH
Everything. -JW
I wanted to tell you, I did. Wanted to tell you that there's no future with me. -JW
I told you once that every speech I do has a goal. You were a goal. Convincing you was a goal. -JW
The other times the goal was to survive it. -JW
I do speeches to survive. I hold speeches to make myself think that what I'm doing has a point. That what I'm doing isn't pointless. That everything isn't pointless. -JW
John, stop. What you do isn't pointless. Why are you writing this? -SH
John was scaring him. What was he talking about? He was doing great work. He made people think, he-
I'm writing this to not feel so bad about myself. -JW
You were the first goal that wasn't about surviving another day. -JW
And I was happy with you. I am, I…I am. -JW
And you don't deserve this. I'm a horrible person. -JW
You're not. -SH
What do I not deserve? John. -SH
I'm sorry. -JW
All my life I've been fighting. All these years I wanted to make a difference, but for what? What's the point? -JW
The world hates people like us, Sherlock. That won't change. I can't change it. -JW
John, answer me. -SH
What do I not deserve? -SH
I get messages every day. From people who suffer, who tell me that they hope I can change the world. I can't. Why don't they realise that? I CAN'T DO IT -JW
Sherlock was starting to panic. John wouldn't do that, would he? How did he not realise the pressure John was under was affecting him in this way?
It doesn't have to be all on you. There are people helping you. -SH
And then I get the other messages. Of people who hate me. Of people who wish I would die. And others tell you to ignore them. And you can. You can ignore them to a certain extent. You can't when they never stop. They don't stop. -JW
And knowing that so many people want you dead makes you think. Why do they want it? They must have a reason. Thing is, I get more such messages than nice ones. -JW
And it's tiring. -JW
I'm tired, Sherlock. -JW
Tired of fighting, tired of fighting for others. I'm just…done. -JW
You're not. John, come home, please. -SH
We can talk about this. -SH
We can find a solution. -SH
It's pathetic, really. And knowing that you love me. It should make me happy, but I keep thinking how much I will disappoint you. How much it will hurt you. I'm sorry. -JW
Sherlock tried calling him, but nobody picked up. He couldn't believe this was happening. No.
Stop it! -SH
John, stop! You're scaring me. John, I love you. -SH
I know. -JW
It's not enough. I can't go on. I can't continue. -JW
He knew where John was staying, knew which city. Sherlock called the police, telling them that he was scared John was going to commit suicide. He could stop this. He wouldn't allow this to happen.
And I'm sorry. I love you so much, Sherlock. -JW
I love you. -JW
But in this world, I don't want to be. It's unfair. It's unfair how people like us get treated. -JW
How my sister died. How my parents didn't think they were at fault. -JW
It's not fair. -JW
I love you, John. -SH
You can continue fighting. I believe in you. You're wonderful and amazing. -SH
Please don't do this. -SH
I wish I would've noticed that you were experiencing these feelings. -SH
I just don't want to live. -JW
Sherlock started to cry. He hadn't known about this. He had never noticed that John was depressed. How could he have missed this? His boyfriend wanted to die.
I love you. -JW
I'm done and -JW
Did you call the police? -JW
Why are they here? -JW
Why can't you let me die? -JW
Because I love you. -SH
This time it would be fine.
"I am sorry for invading your privacy, but I looked at the messages you were receiving," Sherlock said softly to him.
"I deleted them. I don't know why you kept them. They were cruel and thoughtless. You should only keep the good ones, John."
He stroked his hand and looked at John who was laying in the hospital bed. They had pumped his stomach. John had tried to overdose on strong sleeping pills. After being sure that John was with the police Sherlock had immediately set off to drive to Manchester. His heart still ached when he thought about what could have happened.
"I don't know why I kept them," John replied quietly. "I'm sorry. Thinking about ending my life now…it seems selfish. I would've left you alone."
Sherlock squeezed his hand, "but you're alive. That's what matters. I wish I would've noticed that you were feeling like this. And I call myself a detective."
He had never felt this guilty before. John could have died.
"Ever since I met you I was feeling better," John told him, "and I thought I was no longer depressed. But at the conference here in Manchester I was confronted with such ignorance, with such hatred that I…I lost it, in a way." He looked at their joined hands. "Thank you, for saving my life."
Sherlock smiled sadly. "You don't need to thank me for that. From now on I will always be there for you. You don't have to fight for people's rights on your own. I'm here with you. We can do it together. There are a lot of people in the world who support you. You're not alone."
He saw John smile and the pressure in his chest lessened. "I'll tell you whenever I feel this way again," John promised. "And I'll delete every message that is intended to hurt me. I will fight and try to make the world a better place."
"We can do it together," Sherlock said.
"…and no matter what will happen, we will continue to fight. We will fight against injustice and make the world a better place to live in. No matter how dark the world seems to be and no matter how lonely you think you are, together we can survive even the darkest times. The only thing we have to do is to keep going. We won't stop till every last one of us can be who they are. Don't give up. I promise you that one day we will achieve our goals. And I promise you that you are not alone. Keep fighting for your rights, keep fighting for who you are."