You gotta help me, baby
Help me, baby
Help me, baby
Help me, baby
I just wanna a little lovin' before you pass away." -Help Me by Joan Osbourne
Why does it seem that I always end up back here at the hospital, running alongside Scully's pale form as she's being wheeled down endless, sterile hallways, tightly grasping her hand and praying to the God she so passionately believes in to save her, to spare her one more time? This time, tough, a different feeling hangs over me. I should have seen this coming. There were so many warnings; the dream, the pained expression on Scully's face, her abnormal paranoia. She knew something was happening; how come I couldn't detect it? Oh God. If anything happens to me, its my fault, I know it.
The stretcher seems to be going even faster now, and I urge my confused feet to go faster and shift Lizzy in my arms. She sniffles and continues sucking her thumb and watching her mother fail in her sleep, burying her face into my chest and clasping her ting hands behind my head. I tighten my grasp on her, and she looks up at me with bewildered and teary eyes.
"Is Mommy gonna be okay, Daddy?" she mumbles, her words barely coherent because of the thumb in her mouth. I glance down at Scully again. She's breaking into a sweat and her lips are contorted into a little "o" of pain and panic. Her small hands are clenched into fists at her side, and her toes flew back and forth almost as if she's fighting something inside her.
"I don't know, honey," I confess honestly, and I reach forward and delicately wipe the sweat off her smooth skin. At my slight touch, she flinches, her body jerking yet her arms don't move a inch.
The stretcher is rolled by the staff into a room, and the nurse gives me a look that tells me I shouldn't even try to go in after Scully. Not that I want to. Whenever I see her in pain from anything I've done or haven't done, as it is in this case, a piece of my soul dies a little. I think by now, almost 75% of my soul should be dead.
God.
It's all my fault.
I take a shaky breath, trying to steady myself and keep the tears that I feel forming in my eyes and not out. I can't cry in front of Lizzy. She's being so strong. If I cry, she might begin to cry too. And I don't want her to have as bad as a childhood as Scully and I have. Damn. Is that what's going to happen to her? Is Lizzy going to have to grow up without her mother? I can't let that happen. Never.
Lizzy, almost sensing my thoughts about her, slips out of my arms and lowers herself carefully to the floor. She looks up at me, smiles, and reaches up and takes my hand with her small one. I gaze down at her, my mind ablaze with fear, confusion and sadness and I can almost see where the flames scorched her tiny frame.
"Let's sit down, Daddy," she says, speaking so precisely and so much like an adult, almost more mature than me. I nod tiredly at her, and close my eyes and let her lead me back to the busy waiting room. I collapse into a hard plastic chair and she climbs up into my lap, resting on my, using me like a chair and she soon slips into a peaceful sleep. I'm envious of her. Doesn't she know what's going on? 'Course she doesn't. I sigh. Sometimes I wish I was as innocent as a child again.
I lean my head back on the uncomfortable chairs and, trying to make myself believe Scully will be fine, glance around the waiting room. Across from me are two sniffling Chinese women, each clinging tightly to the other for support, both physical and emotional. And next to me is the skinniest and saddest looking girl I've ever seen. Her bones are showing and all the skin on her looks like it's been pulled tightly, too tight. There are horrible lines underneath her eyes, and her hair is slowly falling out. Next to her is a woman, presumably her mother. She looks like she's been through hell.
I turn away. In all of their eyes are things I've seen so many times in so many people, so many victims, so many orphans, so many killers, along with my father and... Scully. I seen Death in their eyes. I squeeze my eyes closed, trying desperately to somehow hold the tears inside. God. Why Scully? She's been through so much... she can't die now.
I take a deep breath, trying to think reasonably. I don't know what's wrong with her, it could be something minor, nothing life threatening. But I can't shake the feeling of lose and the premonition of my dream. That damn dream is gonna ruin my life.
I sit in that chair for God knows how long, cradling Lizzy and trying to think of nothing yet thinking of everything. Finally, after what seems like years, I hear my name called.
"Mr. Mulder?" the same nurse who glared at me before calls out, glancing around the waiting room.
"Over here," I reply nervously, and I stand up, scooping the still sleeping Lizzy into my arms. Jeez, this kid can sleep through anything. The nurse regards me with a narrowed eyebrow, her gaunt features becoming even harsher.
'This way," she says, gesturing for me to follow. I do so, and I as I get closer and closer to where Scully waits, my heart beats faster, my breath becomes quicker and my knees become harder to stand on.
"Is she okay?" I manage.
The nurse turns and glares again at me. "Doctor Fontakis will answer any questions you have," she says, pointing to the door where Scully disappeared into before.
Taking a deep breath, I push the door open, summoning up all my courage and enter the room.
The first thing I see is Scully, dressed in the all too familiar hospital gown and lying on a hospital bed. Doctor Fontakis, a elder, round man with balding hair stands over her, flipping through some papers he's holding.
"Doctor Fontakis?" I ask and he looks up at me, surprised.
"Oh, sorry, didn't hear you enter," he chuckles and glances at Lizzy still sleeping in my arms. "Why don't you put that angel down in this chair here?" he suggests, pulling a chair over. I do so, and Lizzy stirs slightly in her sleep.
Doctor Fontakis grins grandfatherly at her. "Is this Ms. Scully's daughter?"
"Yes," I answer hastily. "How's Scully? What's the matter with her?"
Fontakis grimaces a bit, and rubs his wrinkled forehead with a sweat, pudgy hand. "As you can see, Ms. Scully is now resting comfortably. After some medication, she slipped easily into a restful deep sleep."
"But what was the matter before?" I question, annoyed at the lack of information.
"Well," he starts, searching for words, "It appears that Ms. Scully was suffering from acute pain."
"Brought on by what?"
He bites his lip. "Before she fell asleep, she was complaining of something in the base of her spine, something moving back there. So we took some x-rays, and we found this," he says, pointing to an x-ray hanging on the wall. I move with him over to inspect him, and he indicates a small "thing" in the back of her neck.
"What is it?" I muse. "It couldn't be cancer, could it?"
"No," he replies, taking another x-ray out of a folder and hanging it up next to the other one. "Look at this one."
I glance over at the next one. "It moved," I observe.
Fontakis nods. "I'm not sure what it is. At first, I suspected perhaps some kind of ringworm, but upon closer inspection, I realized that whatever this thing is, it's much more complex than that. And it's not behaving as a ringworm would at all. There's no cut or indication where it might have entered. My guess is that it formed inside of her, a sort of mobile cancer."
I gulp in fear. "Is it lethal?"
Again, he grimaces and turns back to look at Scully, sadly. "It is very similar to cancer- it seems to be almost turning her own body against her, controlling her nervous system and her muscular system. I can only assume that eventually this thing will grow worse-" he pauses, regarding me cautiously, "perhaps to the point of death."
My world is collapsing around me, and I feel my knees grow extremely weak. Fontakis helps me to a chair, where I bury my head in my hands. No. Why does this have to happen now? Everything was finally coming together, God dammit. I finally had her, we were finally together and now, now I'm going to lose her. I don't even care that Fontakis is watching me awkwardly and Lizzy is beginning to wake up.
In the corner of my eye, I see Fontakis slowly pick up Lizzy and bring her outside, leaving me alone with Scully. I drag my worthless body over to where she lies, kneeling on the cold, hard floor. I stare down at her face, looking so peaceful, so calm, so serene, so..... dead. I break down then, sobbing uncontrollably, tightly clasping onto her arm like if I just hang onto her, if I just believe, I can fix her, heal her with nothing but love.
"Scully," I whisper hoarsely into her ear. "Scully, I love you. Come back. Don't leave me alone. Not again. Not now. Not ever." I begin to cry again and I barely notice that Lizzy has entered the room, fully awake, before she's at my side, tugging on my shirt. I pull her into a warm hug, holding her so tight, fearing I might lose her too.
"Daddy?" Lizzy says, her words muffled by my fierce hug. I hold her at arm's length, gazing into her lost eyes. "Mommy's not okay, is she?" she asks, her face shrouded with sadness.
I don't know what to say.
Help me, baby
Help me, baby
Help me, baby
I just wanna a little lovin' before you pass away." -Help Me by Joan Osbourne
Why does it seem that I always end up back here at the hospital, running alongside Scully's pale form as she's being wheeled down endless, sterile hallways, tightly grasping her hand and praying to the God she so passionately believes in to save her, to spare her one more time? This time, tough, a different feeling hangs over me. I should have seen this coming. There were so many warnings; the dream, the pained expression on Scully's face, her abnormal paranoia. She knew something was happening; how come I couldn't detect it? Oh God. If anything happens to me, its my fault, I know it.
The stretcher seems to be going even faster now, and I urge my confused feet to go faster and shift Lizzy in my arms. She sniffles and continues sucking her thumb and watching her mother fail in her sleep, burying her face into my chest and clasping her ting hands behind my head. I tighten my grasp on her, and she looks up at me with bewildered and teary eyes.
"Is Mommy gonna be okay, Daddy?" she mumbles, her words barely coherent because of the thumb in her mouth. I glance down at Scully again. She's breaking into a sweat and her lips are contorted into a little "o" of pain and panic. Her small hands are clenched into fists at her side, and her toes flew back and forth almost as if she's fighting something inside her.
"I don't know, honey," I confess honestly, and I reach forward and delicately wipe the sweat off her smooth skin. At my slight touch, she flinches, her body jerking yet her arms don't move a inch.
The stretcher is rolled by the staff into a room, and the nurse gives me a look that tells me I shouldn't even try to go in after Scully. Not that I want to. Whenever I see her in pain from anything I've done or haven't done, as it is in this case, a piece of my soul dies a little. I think by now, almost 75% of my soul should be dead.
God.
It's all my fault.
I take a shaky breath, trying to steady myself and keep the tears that I feel forming in my eyes and not out. I can't cry in front of Lizzy. She's being so strong. If I cry, she might begin to cry too. And I don't want her to have as bad as a childhood as Scully and I have. Damn. Is that what's going to happen to her? Is Lizzy going to have to grow up without her mother? I can't let that happen. Never.
Lizzy, almost sensing my thoughts about her, slips out of my arms and lowers herself carefully to the floor. She looks up at me, smiles, and reaches up and takes my hand with her small one. I gaze down at her, my mind ablaze with fear, confusion and sadness and I can almost see where the flames scorched her tiny frame.
"Let's sit down, Daddy," she says, speaking so precisely and so much like an adult, almost more mature than me. I nod tiredly at her, and close my eyes and let her lead me back to the busy waiting room. I collapse into a hard plastic chair and she climbs up into my lap, resting on my, using me like a chair and she soon slips into a peaceful sleep. I'm envious of her. Doesn't she know what's going on? 'Course she doesn't. I sigh. Sometimes I wish I was as innocent as a child again.
I lean my head back on the uncomfortable chairs and, trying to make myself believe Scully will be fine, glance around the waiting room. Across from me are two sniffling Chinese women, each clinging tightly to the other for support, both physical and emotional. And next to me is the skinniest and saddest looking girl I've ever seen. Her bones are showing and all the skin on her looks like it's been pulled tightly, too tight. There are horrible lines underneath her eyes, and her hair is slowly falling out. Next to her is a woman, presumably her mother. She looks like she's been through hell.
I turn away. In all of their eyes are things I've seen so many times in so many people, so many victims, so many orphans, so many killers, along with my father and... Scully. I seen Death in their eyes. I squeeze my eyes closed, trying desperately to somehow hold the tears inside. God. Why Scully? She's been through so much... she can't die now.
I take a deep breath, trying to think reasonably. I don't know what's wrong with her, it could be something minor, nothing life threatening. But I can't shake the feeling of lose and the premonition of my dream. That damn dream is gonna ruin my life.
I sit in that chair for God knows how long, cradling Lizzy and trying to think of nothing yet thinking of everything. Finally, after what seems like years, I hear my name called.
"Mr. Mulder?" the same nurse who glared at me before calls out, glancing around the waiting room.
"Over here," I reply nervously, and I stand up, scooping the still sleeping Lizzy into my arms. Jeez, this kid can sleep through anything. The nurse regards me with a narrowed eyebrow, her gaunt features becoming even harsher.
'This way," she says, gesturing for me to follow. I do so, and I as I get closer and closer to where Scully waits, my heart beats faster, my breath becomes quicker and my knees become harder to stand on.
"Is she okay?" I manage.
The nurse turns and glares again at me. "Doctor Fontakis will answer any questions you have," she says, pointing to the door where Scully disappeared into before.
Taking a deep breath, I push the door open, summoning up all my courage and enter the room.
The first thing I see is Scully, dressed in the all too familiar hospital gown and lying on a hospital bed. Doctor Fontakis, a elder, round man with balding hair stands over her, flipping through some papers he's holding.
"Doctor Fontakis?" I ask and he looks up at me, surprised.
"Oh, sorry, didn't hear you enter," he chuckles and glances at Lizzy still sleeping in my arms. "Why don't you put that angel down in this chair here?" he suggests, pulling a chair over. I do so, and Lizzy stirs slightly in her sleep.
Doctor Fontakis grins grandfatherly at her. "Is this Ms. Scully's daughter?"
"Yes," I answer hastily. "How's Scully? What's the matter with her?"
Fontakis grimaces a bit, and rubs his wrinkled forehead with a sweat, pudgy hand. "As you can see, Ms. Scully is now resting comfortably. After some medication, she slipped easily into a restful deep sleep."
"But what was the matter before?" I question, annoyed at the lack of information.
"Well," he starts, searching for words, "It appears that Ms. Scully was suffering from acute pain."
"Brought on by what?"
He bites his lip. "Before she fell asleep, she was complaining of something in the base of her spine, something moving back there. So we took some x-rays, and we found this," he says, pointing to an x-ray hanging on the wall. I move with him over to inspect him, and he indicates a small "thing" in the back of her neck.
"What is it?" I muse. "It couldn't be cancer, could it?"
"No," he replies, taking another x-ray out of a folder and hanging it up next to the other one. "Look at this one."
I glance over at the next one. "It moved," I observe.
Fontakis nods. "I'm not sure what it is. At first, I suspected perhaps some kind of ringworm, but upon closer inspection, I realized that whatever this thing is, it's much more complex than that. And it's not behaving as a ringworm would at all. There's no cut or indication where it might have entered. My guess is that it formed inside of her, a sort of mobile cancer."
I gulp in fear. "Is it lethal?"
Again, he grimaces and turns back to look at Scully, sadly. "It is very similar to cancer- it seems to be almost turning her own body against her, controlling her nervous system and her muscular system. I can only assume that eventually this thing will grow worse-" he pauses, regarding me cautiously, "perhaps to the point of death."
My world is collapsing around me, and I feel my knees grow extremely weak. Fontakis helps me to a chair, where I bury my head in my hands. No. Why does this have to happen now? Everything was finally coming together, God dammit. I finally had her, we were finally together and now, now I'm going to lose her. I don't even care that Fontakis is watching me awkwardly and Lizzy is beginning to wake up.
In the corner of my eye, I see Fontakis slowly pick up Lizzy and bring her outside, leaving me alone with Scully. I drag my worthless body over to where she lies, kneeling on the cold, hard floor. I stare down at her face, looking so peaceful, so calm, so serene, so..... dead. I break down then, sobbing uncontrollably, tightly clasping onto her arm like if I just hang onto her, if I just believe, I can fix her, heal her with nothing but love.
"Scully," I whisper hoarsely into her ear. "Scully, I love you. Come back. Don't leave me alone. Not again. Not now. Not ever." I begin to cry again and I barely notice that Lizzy has entered the room, fully awake, before she's at my side, tugging on my shirt. I pull her into a warm hug, holding her so tight, fearing I might lose her too.
"Daddy?" Lizzy says, her words muffled by my fierce hug. I hold her at arm's length, gazing into her lost eyes. "Mommy's not okay, is she?" she asks, her face shrouded with sadness.
I don't know what to say.