There's crumbs on the pillow.
It's something small, something that's easily missed, but it's the only clue that I have that you've been here. I take a moment, staring at these stupid, tiny, grainy crumbs on the pillow, the empty water bottles on the nightstand, the clothes on the floor, then walk away.
There's dishes in the sink, covered in old food, take out boxes left on the island. I glance at them and walk into the bathroom.
There's dirty clothes strewn across the bathroom floor, sprays of toothpaste on the mirror. The trashcan is overflowing and the walls of the shower are streaked with scum.
I look at these things, know something should be done, and climb into bed.
You're there, it's the only time you're there - lost moments in the in between moments, when something on your schedule isn't pressing into your skull. I am there, I am always there, waiting. I climb into bed as soon as the last customer leaves. I'm in bed long after you leave.
It's the only way I know you'll be there when I wake up, when you fall asleep, if I'm always there. It's the only way to not be alone.
I want to be better; I see the things, I see all of the things that you see, all of the things you hate. Not just how you push yourself beyond what is normal, I see what you do for all of us. I see how you give money when needed, how you give time, and effort, when needed, to any of our friends. I see it and I love it.
And I'm there with you, when you're there.
But so many times I wake up in the dark, and you're not there. So many times I wake up in the light, more than I like to admit, but you aren't there… I reach out, I call out, I wake up crying and I hold a cold pillow.
You're everywhere and you're not here. You're doing everything that anyone could want or wish and I still wake up and you're not here.
You do so much, too much, that the rest of us are left here waiting and wanting, wanting something that is only a passing moment. Seeing you I want to do more, I know I need to do more, but instead I wait. I wait for you, I wait for those moments when I can crawl into bed with you. I can push the hair out of your eyes, press my chest into your back. I hold these moments to my heart, watch how everything decays around us.
But I know why you run, to escape it all. All the decay, all the rot, all the things none of us want. You focus so hard on everything else you forget us. We're left here standing alone, not wanting anything amazing, just wanting a moment. Just wanting some help.
It shouldn't be too much but it is.
A/N: Listen to 'Don't know how to keep loving you' by Julia Jacklin. I hope everyone is doing well. I'm getting very specific in my old age. I hope you guys still like it :) love you all