The Yellow Pencil Sharpener
Disclaimer: I own nothing you may recognize.
Triggers for very detailed self harm.
Jeff knew when he found that pencil sharpener in his old backpack that the night would not end well. It also didn't help that Nick was out with his sister right now and Jeff was alone with his thoughts.
Jeff held the small yellow sharpener in between his thumb and index fingers, lost in his thoughts. He could just do it, Nick wouldn't know. The logical part of himself protested, five months he has been clean; don't let it go to waste. I'll just take out the blade, I'll hide it for if I need it. I won't cut, he told himself.
He then walked into the bathroom and took the pair of tweezers out of the first aid kit. He removed the screw from the pencil sharpener. Now the blade just lifted right up. He held the silver blade in his palm. The light shimmering off of it like a diamond. He remembered how it felt to have the cold blade kiss his soft skin. He craved it, he needed that feeling. Just one cut, Nick won't know.
He lifted the blade from his palm and held it between his fingers. He held the cold medal to his skin, not yet adding pressure. Just one cut he told himself.
He then added pressure and made one thin cut, it hardly bleed. It wasn't enough, it had to be deeper. He then sliced some more.
By now the guilt was setting in, five months clean you fool! Now it's all gone. The guilt just added to the need to punish himself. More and more he sliced. The hot blood poring into the sink. By now there was no room on his arm. There were many fresh cuts from the crook of his elbow to the top of his wrist.
He dropped the blade in the sink making a soft clink. He just watched the hot blood run down his arm into the sink for a few more moments before what he did finally hit him.
He hurriedly cleaned the wounds and wrapped them up. Then he washed the sink and threw the disabled pencil sharpener in the trash can under some wadded up toilet paper.
He walked out into the bedroom and grabbed his blue Hollister hoodie and put in on. Nick would know.. It was in the middle of May for God sake! It was way too hot for a hoodie, Nick would know..
He then remembered the blade was still in the sink, so he walked in the bathroom and grabbed it; then proceeded to hide it under his mattress.
He sat on his bed feeling nothing but guilt and shame, five months clean down the drain; and Nick would be so disappointed. He was doing so good! Now it's all gone. His thoughts were however cut off by the sound of a door opening. He looked up to see Nick walking into their shared dorm.
"Hey babe," Nick said softly kissing Jeff on the cheek.
Jeff plastered a fake smile on his face. "Hey Nicky."
Nick frowned. He knew Jeff way too well to be fooled by that fake smile. "What's wrong?" Nick asked.
Jeff crinkled his eyebrows in fake confusion. "What do you mean? I'm fine." Jeff said.
Nick sighed. "You're not fine. I know you Jeff, that fake smile is not fooling me." Nick said walking over to sit on the bed with Jeff. "Why are you wearing a hoodie?" Nick asked.
Jeff couldn't hide the cringe that followed Nick's question. "I- it's cold in here." Jeff stammered, mentally slapping himself for his shaky voice.
"No it's not." Nick said, he grabbed Jeff's wrist and he pulled back with a sharp intake of breath. Yeah, Nick knew now.
Jeff blinked back the tears the threatened to fall. Nick would leave him this time for sure, he would get tired of dealing with him eventually.
"It's okay if you want to leave me, I won't blame you. I'm a freak Nick, you deserve someone better than me." Jeff said, his voice breaking.
Nick pulled Jeff into a tight hug. "I'm never leaving you. You are not a freak, you are perfect and I love you. Don't ever think you are not good enough because you are. You're so mean when you talk about yourself, you're wrong, you are so wrong." Nick whispered as he held Jeff.
Then softly Nick started to sing as he held Jeff and let the taller boy cry into his shirt.
"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I'll set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"
Nick finished the song and Jeff sat up. Brown eyes met hazel. Nick wiped a fallen tear from Jeff's face. Jeff just smiled, Nick did love him. Maybe he wouldn't leave.
"Okay baby, I love you but we still need to talk about this. Why did you do it?" Nick said.
Jeff sighed. "I found a pencil sharpener in my old back pack and it kinda just happened.. It was only supposed to be one cut, but it turned into like fifty seven.." Jeff trailed off.
Nick sighed. "Go get the blade."
Jeff slowly got up and got the blade from under his mattress. He handed it to Nick. Nick then got up and walked into the bathroom, Jeff crinkled his eyebrows in confusion but Nick gestured for Jeff to follow him and he did.
Nick lifted the toilet lid up and tossed the blade in. He flushed the toilet and looked over to Jeff.
"You are so much better than that blade Jeff. I know asking you to promise me you'll never do it again is asking a lot but I need you to at least promise me if you have a temptation you'll come talk to me or call me." Nick said.
Jeff nodded. "I promise."
That's not to say Jeff never cut again, that was only one relapse of many more to come; but Nick was there every time and he never left.
A/N: Not one of my best. I got the idea when I found a yellow pencil sharpener under my bed and nearly relapsed. I personally struggle with self harm so I know what it's like. If anyone wants to talk to me I'm here. Anyway, review? Even if you don't have an account dropping a review would mean the world to me :)