Hi all. I have to thank my fic partner in crime; Lolitangela once again for this one shot.
This became an accidental reunion, so deviates a little from Lola's idea. She asked me to write a sexy one shot, involving Ste seducing Brendan via texts after their hectic lives prevents them from spending any time together. Informing me Brendan was out of jail and they were happy with the kids, had a club and restaurant etc.
I decided, in relation with the recent McHay SL to extend her idea, and write my take on Brendan finding Ste again at his lowest time, and indeed putting a halt to what has to be the least likely pairing since digestive biscuits and hot tea.
And don't get me started on the word 'sweetheart' *rolls eyes*
I separated it into chapters again because it turned out a big fic and as it's me who wrote this expect a lot of fluff.
Missing You. Part 1 of 3
The percolator grumbles when it makes a strong coffee for Brendan. He's stood in the kitchen pushing half a triangle cut piece of toast into his mouth and tearing it in his teeth like a starved animal. He hums at its taste and licks the melting butter from his lips as he chews.
Ste walks past faffing with making the kids their breakfast, but midway stops to brush the crumbs that have attached to Brendan's moustashe and beard. The touch of him making Brendan smile, always has done, but more so now. Since he was released two years ago he's savoured every touch from Ste.
Ste smiles back, can't help the glow in his cheeks as he walks past bashful and giddy. The smile warms the space between them; his beautiful blue eyes sparkle with the amount of love they share. Brendan turns and follows with his eyes as Ste continues to walk past; now balancing bowls of cereal in hand he settles them over the table for Leah and Lucas. Turning, Ste catches Brendan's gaze again grinning as he winks approval Ste begins to make his way across to Brendan but his tracks are stopped when they've two hyper children under their feet, scrambling for the nearest chair they settle at the table.
Brendan watches them a while, but he's really watching Ste with them, happy together again. When Brendan left prison he expected to find Ste well and happy, living his life just how he'd told him too. In retrospect, though he would have thought that was a little stupid; beyond stupid. He himself telling Ste he couldn't live his life without him, how did he expect Ste too? Ste couldn't begin to live his life without him. And Ste made sure he knew that in no uncertain terms once they'd found each other again. Nothing could be further from the truth; the boy he found wasn't the man he left behind years earlier.
Ste was a shell of his former self and addicted to drugs. Brendan still remembers the moment he saw him, how he'd turned up in the village as a surprise to not only find the love of his life on drugs but loving another. Funny how things work out. Back then the answers seemed so clear the moment he'd left the prison. He walked out an innocent man; he spent time in jail an innocent man too. Unconditional love has a lot to answer for.
Two years earlier
Brendan left the prison gates lighter than when he first entered the place. The air seemed to grab and lift the heavy weight on his shoulders; the burden was no longer there. Brendan still had the reminders of why he had to spend so much time away though as his sister Cheryl approached him with a smile filled with regret.
He didn't want her to feel that way though and held his arms around her in comfort to her tears. It felt good to hug his sister again, a free man. Her car was a large white 4x4 and they sat in it in silence at first, Cheryl still feeling a little uneasy and not sure what to say. Brendan sighed with it, he's spent far to long with awkward silences to last a lifetime. The inmates not exactly big on conversation.
"Ah come on Chez, let's not do this"
"I'm sorry Brendan, I'm sorry ye had to spend all that time in there for me. And worse, away from Ste" Cheryl fingered away her tears. "It's so good to see ye though"
"Come here" Brendan hugged Cheryl again and kissed the top of her head, pulling back he looked at her, asked a question she really didn't want to answer.
"Bren…"
"Have ye seen him?"
"No love. The last time was after ye went inside"
"Yeah but ye went to see him recently, when ye knew I was being released, right?"
"I couldn't find him; the flat isn't there anymore. It blew up apparently. You'd have known this if you'd allowed him to see ye" Cheryl didn't dare look up at her brother then, it was a low blow even if it was frustratingly true. Cheryl breathed loudly "And I couldn't go into the village without being seen, ye wanted it to be a surprise"
"Hmm" Brendan resisted saying how he really felt at his sister's words because he knew it was the truth. He struggled with his thoughts. All he cared about was getting out of there and back to where he was. Steven, the boy who kept him company in his heart, the boy who adorned his dreams for the past two years while he spent time in a cold cell. He looked back as he sat there; that place had put everything on hold, stopped them having that life together they deserved more than any other couple.
"Did ye get me some clothes Chez?" Better to change the subject now, Cheryl was twitching with her unspoken words.
Brendan sank down on the leather back seat and spread his legs wide. He'd put on weight inside, the amount of times he'd spent sweating in the gym paid off. He was huge; arms so big the shirtsleeve barely inched over them, his trousers had always been tight fitting but this was ridiculous. Brendan asked Cheryl to bring him new clothes to change into.
Brendan studied between suits and casual jeans. He couldn't decide what Ste would prefer. He'd met him wearing one, so Brendan smoothed his hand over the suits Cheryl had bought to find a deep grey colour, picked out a red shirt. He knew it was the right choice. It catapulted him back to the cellar in the club, and that kiss they once shared.
"Bren? Ye okay love?"
"Yeah, just remembering."
"Must be a good thought, you looked happy" I have a room at a hotel in town, let me take ye there to get changed"
"Okay, thank ye Chez. I'll get a taxi to the village though, are ye going back to Nate?" Brendan glanced up from the shirt he was unwrapping.
"Yes, but ye promise me you'll come and visit? Ye and Ste okay? Come and stay with us, the house is huge, we have separate areas, a guest house ye can have" Cheryl looked in pleading.
"Course we will, in fact I will ask him, that's if he ain't already moved on."
Cheryl started up the engine shifting into reverse she looked back and at Brendan. "Look love, ye did tell him to move on. So don't be surprised things have changed. I don't think he will have stopped caring though Bren. He was completely in love with ye, that doesn't stop so easy"
Sat in the car his heart beat a drum solo at his rib cage, the familiar streets that stretched out before him as he looked through the window. It had occurred to him as they drove, Steven would have done as he'd asked and moved on. The thought of it pierced at his heart, made his stomach invert in fear. He didn't have any right to be mad about it though, rejecting every way Ste tried to contact him was a cruelty he'd have to live with, little did he know just what the pain of them being apart had caused.
He blinked back into the car when Cheryl parked up and exited the car; Brendan grabbed his clothes and walked with her. As soon as they'd arrived he walked straight into the bathroom. Cheryl flicked through the TV channels to relieve the boredom of Brendan's time spent getting changed. Her fingers wrapped the curls through her hair as she moved to make a drink. The water from the kettle overflowed the cup when she watched him stand there, arms out stretched.
"Will I do?"
"Oh my god Bren! Ye look great! Ste won't be able to resist ye" Cheryl squealed and rushed uneasy in her shoes to get to him.
Should I have a shave? I mean I am pretty hairy…"
"Didn't ye tell me Ste liked that about ye though, the tashe, he loved it." Cheryl pondered the beard a moment trying to put herself in Ste's place. "Keep it, end of the day he'd tell ye if he didn't like it, right? I reckon he'd wanna try it out first anyway…"
"CHEZ!"
"What?! He bloody would! Ye two were always like rabbits anyway" Cheryl dismissed her brother with her hands
"Who told ye that?" Brendan folded his arms across his newly worn red shirt and creased lines into it.
Cheryl glanced her eyes up sheepishly between the floor and Brendan "Ste did…"
"Are ye serious? He told ye about us?"
"Hey we were like best mates! I didn't let him go into details, cause ye are my brother, but ye was his, you know"
Brendan loosened his arms then, and walked a little closer "His what? Chez?"
"His best…obviously. Bren! I don't wanna talk about this anymore, oh my god ew!"
Brendan smirked to himself, and found himself feeling giddy inside, he liked knowing that. He liked knowing Ste had spoke of him that way, even if it was to his sister of all people.
They hugged again tightly. Cheryl moved back and looked at him. "Ye go get your man. And don't give up because I know Ste loves ye, always has done. And remember I expect that visit, right?"
"I promise I will fight for him, and remind him of our promise we made. I will come visit, with or without Steven."
"With please"
Brendan took a deep sigh and left the room, Cheryl bit against her bottom lip and silently prayed as he did.
Ste fumbled at the sink attempting to grab a glass to get a drink of water. He'd taken another hit of cocaine moments earlier; it had become a regular thing now, a part of his daily routine. He hated himself and what he'd become, but he just didn't have the strength to fight the cravings. They ate at his mind as the poison worked its way through his bloodstream making his heart beat differently.
He'd woken up next to John Paul, they'd had this relationship for a while now, but if Ste was honest he couldn't recall much of it, half his life was spent in a whirlwind, a blur of anything worth any kind of meaning. His legs had been heavy moving off the bed and dragged as he left the bedroom. His mouth so dry made him feel sick to swallow.
He'd made a stop on the way to the bathroom though, and finding his secret stash in there had consumed the white powdery substance till it tingled through his body. The craving subsided but he still felt ashamed. Looking into the mirror had become such a hard thing to do now Ste avoided them as much as he could because what stared back at him was a person he didn't reconise. He'd stumbled out of the bathroom grabbing hold of the door to steady himself creating a loud noise as he wobbled through the house. Ste dropped the glass into the sink and as it clinked loudly, a voice behind him made his eyes roll.
"You're just never going to stop are you?" John Paul looked saddened witnessing Ste high again. It had been a week, Ste had promised yet again to stop and get clean. Each time he tried though his strength had weakened him into giving in.
"Tell me where your stash is Ste! I want it out of here, I don't want that crap around my son!"
"Oh bore off John Paul. Sick of it, always going on like a stuck record. I've a headache right, let me sleep" Ste dismissed him with his arm falling hard onto the sofa. His body tingled, and head span around on a constant looped roller coaster ride behind his eyes.
"You always want to sleep! And look at the state of you, clothes filthy, you're a disgrace. How about getting up off your arse and getting a job huh?"
"I had a job once! And I put a lot into that restaurant, it's not like I've no money."
"Yeah, and where does it all go? Up your nose!"
"Arghh! You're doing me head in!" Ste jumped up off the sofa almost stumbling over completely, he fell against the arm of the chair.
"Ste?" John Paul worried edged closer to him.
"No, I'm fine, just tired"
"It's killing you, don't you even care?"
"I stopped caring a long time ago, there was no point anymore after he'd…"
"Him again. He's in prison Ste! Give it up okay, he ain't ever coming back"
"Just shut up…just SHUT. UP." Ste moved himself up again and walked out of the front door. John Paul looked up to the ceiling and exasperated. He followed him quickly grabbing his coat on the way out.
Ste hurried the path swerving along it listening to John Paul shouting his name behind him. Ste saw a rock and kicked it hard in frustration, watched it bounce and roll on its jagged edges. He'd had enough of it, if people didn't refuse to talk about Brendan they constantly denied his existence. It became a battle, Ste versus the whole fucking world. Well he knew he'd see Brendan again, one day he'd come back and then everyone would see. He didn't care he was holding onto a thread of a dream he kept having.
His vision became obscured by the blurred hasty movements he made, covering his eyes, he tried to blink it away but it didn't work. Something felt wrong, different to the other times he'd taken something. Heart beating erratically and he felt fear travel through his body, damp sweat beads formed at his forehead and dripped down the side of his face. Ste finally made it to the village, and around by the restaurant.
A black taxi had parked up in the village and he'd rushed to pass it as John Paul once again shouted his name making him turn around and not look where he was going. A loud bang made him lose his breath, a sharp pain to the side of his body shook him uneasy on his feet .Ste fell against the concrete, banging his head his eyes closed.
Hollyoaks village at first glance looked the same to Brendan as the taxi pulled up and just for a few moments he was frozen to the back seat. His head then moved and looked out of the window almost touching the glass he looked towards where the deli had once been. Now gone and replaced by a new business. Then across to the new restaurant, seems like the village had changed more than he'd first thought. The club still standing, just the name was different now.
The driver soon had him coming back to reality asking for payment and Brendan fished out enough money and paid the man, as he opened the door his mind was still awash with puzzling thoughts as to what had happened to the deli, had Ste sold up, or worse left the village behind for pastures new. The door thumped loud as someone clumsily walked in the way of it and it hit them with such a bang they went stumbling to the floor.
Brendan shook his head of his thoughts and exited the cab slamming the door shut. He threw out a long sigh. "Ye really should look where ye are going!"
Brendan stepped around the person laid there who didn't seem to move, or at least didn't want to. He tilted his head at them noting the state of the clothes; torn, dirty. Brendan waited a moment before exasperating.
"Get up then!"
"Don't waste your time" John Paul spoke hands leaned against his knees trying to catch his breath from the running he'd done and Brendan turned around to a loud gasp. His eyes widened at him and then down at the person laid on the ground.
"You?!"
"Yeah me" Brendan answered first pointing to himself then the person in the road "Ye wanna leave it in the street?"
"It? You mean you don't know who that is?" John Paul didn't move just darted his eyes between Brendan and Ste.
"Just got back haven't I? Bound to be people I don't know here now. Remind me who ye are again?" Brendan clicked his fingers three times
"Dublin"
Brendan took a deep sigh feigning ignorance to the one night stand he'd wanted to forget ever happened. "I have better memories of that place"
"Thanks!"
He'd offended John Paul then. He didn't care.
"You're welcome!" Mimicking the shrill tone of the other man.
"He's my boyfriend, or at least supposed to be" John Paul looked down at the sorry state that lay at Brendan's feet.
"Ah, see you're lowering your standards; well I need to get on. Have ye seen Steven?" Brendan swallowed and a pleading came from his voice as it strangled Ste's name with it.
John Paul looked back at the man on the ground and walked closer "I don't know where Steven is Brendan"
Movement caused Brendan to look, the person began to move and a moan escaped their lips, a cry and whimpering. Brendan looked up at John Paul in confusion, "Why ain't ye helping him?" Brendan moved and held his hand over the man's shoulder.
"Looks like ye have been in the wars, come on let's get ye up"
"Get off me!" The Manchester accent hit Brendan like a knife to the heart, that voice, he knew it once upon a time ago, but it couldn't be. Brendan kneeled down and shook as his body trembled. His hand moved to grip the cheek of the man and brought his face up and around. Brendan collapsed on the floor next to him. His head shook from side to side, fear mapped his face. He looked up at John Paul for answers, but the other man just sighed the thought of having to explain Ste's state to him.
"I said I hadn't seen Steven, I think you'll find HIS name is Ste. A drugged up has been, who forgot how to live. He just gave up, and no matter how hard I try, he just won't stop taking it"
"Ye…ye let him get like this?!"
"No, you did" John Paul walked away still keeping Brendan's lost gaze as he did, contempt in his eyes. He knew he was being pathetic trying to get one back on Brendan, but still he wanted to keep some pride. John Paul always played second everything to him; Brendan was the love of Ste's life, just as much as Craig was still his. They only comforted each other through that pain of being lost with out them.
The older man had stood up again fierce was his eyes now John Paul swallowed "Ye just stood there, and ye knew it was Steven on the floor. Why didn't ye tell me?!"
"Oh stop with the moaning, you to are made for each other you know that?"
"Ye better not cross my path again"
"Threatening me are ya? Whatever, I have better things to be doing"
Brendan struggled as he looked back at Ste on the floor, kneeling down to be closer to him again, his eyes glazed over. Hand held once again against the other man's cheek he felt his tears slide over his fingers. Little sobs coming from his mouth. He let Brendan bring his face around properly so he could look at him.
"Steven…"
"Brendan?"
Brendan choked "Yeah" he hitched a breath" "It's me" Brendan's voice squeaked trying to speak, he never thought it was possible for his heart to break any more, but seeing his boy this way almost killed him there and then.
"What have ye done Steven?" His thumb stroked the tears across the side of his cheek, noting the stubble growth Ste had now. It felt different to the smooth boy he once knew, touching at it again he fleeted a smile.
"Brendan?"
"Yes it's me" Brendan watched Ste scramble to his feet, face white as a sheet, lethargic, eyes with huge angry red circles around them. Ste was gaunt, face so swollen, his cheek bones more defined. Frail and obviously incredibly poorly he tried to stand up. Ste wobbled and fell about on his feet trying to get somewhere, Brendan sat frozen to the ground, watched him stumble across to the fountain and fall onto it.
"Steven!" he jumped to his feet and raced over, placed his arms around Ste's waist or what was left of it and turned him, picked him up into his arms. Ste instinctively held around his neck, however weakened in his state he still tried. Head flopped against Brendan's chest. Brendan listened to the shallow breathing and worried. His head darted to the restaurant rushing over to it and kicking open the door, it banged hard against the window almost detaching from its hinges.
"Brendan?!" Tony couldn't believe his eyes, the note book he'd been writing an order down on fell to the floor dramatically.
"Anthony, help me please, it's Steven"
"Get him out of here" Diane warned with a shaky finger "He's not allowed in here anymore"
"What? Can't ye see the state he's in? He needs help!"
"Brendan, he's an addict, no one can help him. We've tried. Fact is he's been like this at least a year now" Tony felt saddened and even though he still cared for Ste, he still listened to his wife and made Brendan carry him back outside again. Tony followed closely behind ignoring Diane's pleas for him not too.
"Anthony please. I have nowhere to take him. Just got back, I came back for him, my Steven" Brendan felt weakened suddenly trying to hold himself together, he angled his head down and held his cheek against Ste's hair, nuzzled closer to him.
Tony sighed heavy watching them together again, fishing inside his pocket "Here, take my car keys and drive him to hospital. Ste will be looked after there, best place for him if you ask me."
Tony looked back at Brendan who was still trying to comfort Ste in his arms. "Hey? He will be okay you know."
Brendan grabbed the keys and angered "I can't believe ye let this happen! Look at him! Ye are supposed to be his friend!"
"What about you eh? When are you going to take some responsibility?!" Tony held an accusing finger to Brendan
"Didn't you stop to think what would happen when you left him? What, you thought he'd be able to survive without you?" Tony scoffed and shook his head. "The light went out of his eyes when you left, I've never seen it since"
Tony left Brendan there, arms cradling Ste. He looked down at him; he didn't even look like his Steven. He just looked so ill. "I won't give up, I promise"
Brendan took Ste to hospital; where they admitted him into A&E, hooked him up to drips, and kept him monitored. Brendan was told by the doctor Ste had taken Cocaine, a lot of it by all accounts, he was poorly and needed to stay in a while. Brendan walked over to Ste and held against his hand, wrists so thin his entire hand mapped around it. Even the strong heart beat Brendan remembered hardly pulsed, it was like he'd given up on life completely.
"Hiya love" A nurse held her hand on Brendan's shoulder "Is he a relative?"
"He's my…life" Brendan swallowed miles away in another world, it couldn't be real, all of this had to be another world "And I abandoned him"
"Hey, come on. I'm sure whatever happened was unavoidable. Some times in life we have to make hard choices, to protect others."
"Doesn't mean it's right though does it?" Brendan replied "Look what happened, and he was always the strongest of us both"
The nurse checked over Ste's chart and monitors "It's going to take a while, his recovery. And he may not want it, he's been taking these drugs a year now"
"Don't care what he says, he is getting off them, and this time, I ain't going anywhere."
He's not there when Ste wakes up for the first time, his hands echo movement past his vision, makes him feel odd and sickly. His mouth is dry, body aching with withdrawal already. He's found his body needs more hits the longer time goes on. Ste tries to sit up but the way his head throbs as he does knocks him for six. The pillow feels soft as his head lands back down on it, and he turns from right to left.
Ste can't remember much of his life at the moment, the amount of drugs he takes blocks out the reality of it. He prefers that though, the memories shatter this way, don't hurt as much. Ste spends his life in the clouds above flying around the warm breeze. None of it makes sense, except the need of wanting more. It eats him alive, the craving. Seeps through his veins poisoning as it heeds his mind.
There are other people here he thinks; he can see them, distorted visions of people dressed in white. He laughs at them, maybe they finally took him away, the men in white coats.
"Oi! I wanna get out of here!" Ste's words slur, he laughs again at himself.
"Hello"
"Who are you?"
"I'm a nurse, you're in hospital Steven"
Ste snorts "My names Ste"
"Oh, that's what the other man called you, okay Ste. You're in hospital, you took drugs. Do you remember?"
"Yeah, I remember. I need some more, can ya go and fetch some yeah?" Ste laughs.
"You don't think you've had enough?"
"Am I dead yet? No, so obviously I haven't"
The nurse settled at Ste's bedside "You want to die? That's sad to hear, you've people here who love you"
"No I don't, cause everyone leaves me don't they. No one gives a toss, why should I?"
"That's not true, the man who brought you here, he looked pretty worried for you"
Ste glanced his eyes at the nurse "You called me Steven, why?"
"What an odd question. I thought it was your name? It says so on your file" The nurse got up and walked around to the chart and gripped it in her hands. "Steven Hay" She turns the chart to show Ste but it's to far away to read anyway.
"Who is the man you mentioned? John Paul? Great, bring him in to have another go then will ya, I don't feel put down enough today."
"It could be John Paul, he never told me his name. He brought you in and filled out the form" The nurse moved to walk away. "I can get you some water and food, but drugs are off the menu"
Ste looked over at the nurse and chewed at his lip, it was still puzzling him, why call him Steven. "There's only one person who calls me that name, but it can't be him, it can't be…"
"He'll be back soon enough, then you can see for yourself?"
As the nurse walked away he stopped her "Wait!" Ste sat up quickly his head throbbed with the rush "Did he have a moustashe, was he Irish?"
"Come to think of it, he did have an accent, oh and beard, a moustashe too though yes."
The nurse walked out of the ward leaving Ste to his thoughts. A tear fell down his cheek. The drugs did make him see Brendan sometimes, and he liked that, seeing him. But this seemed a little too real. He didn't dare believe it though as the heart ache that came with reality was always too much to bear. His eyes dragged heavy lidded. So he's shunting himself back down onto the bed and falling asleep. He didn't notice the other person who walked into the ward and then into his room.
Brendan moved and settled down in a comfy chair by the side of his bed, placing his coffee on the side. Brendan held against Ste's hand a moment and something caught his eye. A silver sparkle the sun had caught a hold of. He moved up and fingered underneath the silver cross he'd once given Ste the last time he was in hospital and darted his eyes to Ste's closed ones, mouth parted.
He was wearing his cross, after all this time he still wanted him close by. Brendan laid it against his chest and watched it rise and fall capturing the sun beams through the window. He leaned down and kissed against his forehead, nuzzled his face there, the coldness a shock. Ste's skin clammy, and too cool. His frail body struggling to keep its warmth, Brendan pulled the sheets higher and sat back down again.
Brendan's woken up by something touching his hair, he jolts awakes and sees the crisp white bed sheets. His hand rubs the sleep out of his eyes and turns. Ste is looking at him, but it's a stare that's through him not at him. Brendan moves slowly realising Ste is very fragile at the moment. It's enough to let Ste's hand fall from his head and they sit in silence a while just looking at each other. Brendan's drinking Ste in, his eyes still the same blue, they look saddened, Ste is trapped behind them and Brendan can't stand to see those eyes so broken.
"Steven?"
"I know…I know this is a dream but…it's so good to see you again" Ste smiles with hint sadness at his thoughts.
"This isn't a dream, I am here"
"It's okay" Ste let out a long sigh "You always say that"
"Steven, ye can touch me…I am real" Brendan's hand tries to grab Ste's but it's taken away just as quickly. Ste turns away from him to lay on his side. Tears fall and make his already swollen red eyes darker in colour. Ste looks out of the window, and at the clouds. It looks peaceful there, his eyes dart to a tree that leaves sway in the breeze, has a calming effect as his eye lids keep drooping.
"No one ever lets me talk about you" Brendan's eyes fix on Ste as he speaks. "No one...no one ever mentions you, it's just me against the lot of them. I'm trying to hold on to you and what we had. I spend half the time mad at you and the other still so in love it physically hurts me to live without you"
Brendan's mouth parts slightly, swallows hard. "I don't blame ye for being angry with me"
"Good cause I am right, really fucking angry." Ste sniffed and wiped the back of his hand over his nose.
"What else can I say? I'm sorry,I couldn't let Chez go to prison for me"
"No, but you could leave me behind couldn't ya? Made it look too easy an' all" Ste shook his head frustrated.
"Ye thought leaving ye was easy? You're wrong. I wanted to die rather than live without ye, so don't ever say it was easy for me"
"You just left, and I didn't know how to go on without you. The pain Brendan, my insides ripped apart over and over. My best friend, my reason for feeling true love, gone."
"All this time, know that I never felt any differently Steven, I promise ye"
Ste turned back around and connected their eyes again. Ste's tears just streamed down his face, Brendan's eyes began shining over "I never did either. I found comfort cause I was lonely. It didn't matter though, I always loved you, still do"
"I am going to help ye, get ye off these drugs"
Ste began to laugh suddenly changing his persona like the flick of a switch "Go away Brendan yeah? No one can help me now, I couldn't care less anymore." The sheet suddenly flew up in the air and Ste ripped the drip out of his hand wincing at the pain. Brendan's stood up and rounding the bed as quick as Ste tries to move off it. Ste collapses but Brendan's there. Moves quickly to catch Ste, his body so weak his hands barely manage to grip Brendan's shoulders.
"Brendan?" Ste's eyes shake with tears, so do his hands when he grips his shoulders "But I thought that..."
Brendan nods silently looking into Ste's eyes, as he brings his hand up he brushes lightly against Ste's cheek and he's breathless at the touch, he's so warm and real. He's real.
"You came back…?"
"Of course I did, it's all I thought about Steven. Getting back to ye kept me going. I never knew missing someone could hurt so much"
"Should've thought of that then!" Ste's mood suddenly changed again as he tried in vein to get out of Brendan's grip, but he wasn't going to let go, he'd never let go again.
"I'll stay like this forever if I have to, ye ain't leaving this hospital"
"If ya loved me you would let me go!" Ste growled tightening his fingers hard into Brendan's shoulders and it hurt. Brendan closed his eyes and breathed through his nose and Ste held on more and more.
"I wont give up on ye Steven. Hurt me all ye want, there's nothing more ye can do though. Being without ye was beyond any pain, so go ahead do your worst" Brendan's gaze bore into Ste's as his eyes shook. He let go and rested down into Brendan's neck in defeat, hands falling to his chest. Brendan's arms surrounded him then and hugged closely. Ste had always been of skinny build but this was crazy, the amount of weight he'd lost, Brendan could feel his bones through the layer of clothing he wore.
"How could ye do this to yourself huh?" Brendan's voice whispered, head close to Ste's ear. The younger man shivered at the feel of his warm breath, still not quite believing Brendan was really there. The amount of times he'd seen him while high on drugs. He even mistook a strange man to be him just because he'd got a similar moustashe. Turns out he was nothing like his Brendan. No other man could be. He really must have been high that day or just pissed as a fart. Ste scoffed at his thoughts and Brendan released his hold a little.
"What? Ye gonna tell me those thoughts?"
Ste shook his head "No, some things are better left unsaid"
"Like John Paul ye mean?" Brendan couldn't disguise the bitter edge to his voice.
"What?"
"Your boyfriend?" Brendan's heart sank at his words. "Of all the people, I mean I half expected ye to have moved on but him?"
"Least it's not 'Douglas'" Ste bit back sarcastically. It wouldn't matter which man Ste was with, Brendan wouldn't ever have been okay with it.
"Where is my nemesis?"
"Died didn't he?" Ste sobbed "Like everyone I care for, they always leave me"
"Died? I'm sorry Steven"
"No ya ain't, ya hated him"
"He married ye, what do ye expect me to feel about that? It should have been me"
Ste blinked flicking his eyelashes up slowly, not expecting the words he'd just heard, even if they had discussed it years earlier, it still surprised him.
"I ain't moved on Brendan right?" Ste cupped at Brendan's beard and stroked his fingers through it. "I just…I needed…I was alone."
"Me too" Brendan replied suddenly letting go of Ste who gripped at his red shirt, fear mapped his eyes.
"No, Stop. Don't go"
"I'm not going Steven, I am just struggling. I know I told ye to live your life but this…I can't bare to think of him touching ye"
"Hypocrite. What about you? I ain't forgotten"
Brendan shot a look at Ste then "I think ye have forgotten Steven, enjoy my sloppy seconds? How was he for ye?"
"Stop this, please. We haven't been together that way in a long time Brendan I swear. It was for comfort and nothing more, I barely let him touch me, he didn't…I wouldn't let him touch me like you did"
Brendan closed his eyes and bowed his head, this was so hard, he never prepared for this, he wished he had done though. Right now he needed to be strong for Steven, anything else could wait.
"Look, I just want to get ye better okay? It's my job too"
"It isn't anymore though is it?" Ste's words stung, it shouldn't be like this. Brendan spent years going over what he'd say and how he'd say it, and nothing like this was ever planned for. They were interrupted suddenly.
"Hello?" A doctor walked up and stretched over the bed to find Ste and Brendan on the floor, she interrupted them and noticed blood trickled from Ste's hand. "Here, let me see to that"
Brendan moved up and lifted Ste with him, light as a feather and placed him on the bed. They barely looked at each other as Ste got back onto the bed and allowed the doctor to re fit his IV line. Brendan rounded the bed and lent arms folded against the wall, eyes to the floor, Ste watched him and his thoughts play out. He could figure them out, he was disappointed in him wasn't he? How could he even be interested anymore, he wasn't the same man after all. Ste's guilt festered inside him and churned at his stomach, getting himself more and more worked up. He felt irritated and antsy, lashing out at anyone who got in the way.
"Can you leave while I examine Mr Hay?" The doctor asked looking over at Brendan.
"It's okay, he can stay. He's seen it all anyway. Will probably give him a thrill" Ste's hot and cold attitude began to wear thin on Brendan. His body defensive he pushed back off the wall shaking his head. It only strengthened Ste's mistaken belief he was looking at him differently now.
"I will go" Brendan choked as he spoke, his heart was holding far to many knives within it.
"You said you wasn't gonna leave again, already breaking ya words I see" Ste spat tossing a cup off his cabinet across the room at Brendan. It clattered to the floor and span at his feet as he looked down and watched it come to a standstill on its side.
"I'm getting some air, and a drink"
"No pubs around here Bren, no where to drown your sorrows at how I turned out huh? Hide ya disappointment"
Brendan saw red then, there was only so much he could take. Like he'd ever think that way about the younger boy. Only hours earlier released from prison this was the last thing he deserved. Deciding to bring the man he loved down a peg or two his hand gestured to Ste and his cold expression. "Oh stop with the self pity Steven! Fucks sake you're so whiney! I have done nothing but look after ye since I got here. Ye go ahead and think I don't give a damn about ye if it makes ye happy. Nothing changes does it ey?!"
"Whatever Brendan! Get out!"
"Yeah? Watch me not come back!" Brendan threw his arms up and pushed against the door in anger swinging it open. The doctor sighed and placed a blood pressure cuff on Ste's arm turning on the machine. It tightened against Ste's arm eventually and took the reading.
"None of my business but was that not a little harsh?"
"He can take it, he's treated me worse" Ste closed his eyes tightly body shaking with angry nerves of regret. "Shit, I didn't mean it…what if he doesn't come back? I need to go get him, tell him I'm sorry" Ste moved off the bed but fell back dizzy again. The doctor helped him back onto the mattress and brought her face closer.
"You're not strong enough yet, and don't worry I have a feeling he will. I was here when he brought you in, never seen anyone look so desperate. That man, it's obvious he loves you"
"Really?" His throat constricts in determination to drown him with the nasty words he'd used. Ste sniffs and wipes the back of his hand across his nose, heart in pieces. The effort it would take just so he could run to him, stupid body, stupid drugs.
"Who is he?" Her voice makes him jump. Too wrapped up in his world, their world, his and Brendan's to even care. The woman became increasingly concerned watching tears of anger and hurt fall over Ste's cheeks.
"My past, present and future. He's the love of my life, and what do I do? I treat him like he's nothing." His skin rubs when his hands move erratically against his face. "I just get so angry! I yell for no reason half the time"
"He sounds important. You know, the way you are acting is normal. Your mood swings, it's all part and parcel of the drug taking. Not that it's much of an excuse though." The doctor raised her eyebrows and smiled a little.
"How are you feeling? Honestly?"
"I need a fix, I want to leave and get one" Ste rubbed at his nose
"What about him huh? What do you think he'd say about that?"
"His name is Brendan, and today is the first time I've seen him in two years. Other than my dreams or hallucinations at least"
"You think Brendan wants you killing yourself?" The doctor sat on the bed with Ste and studied his gaunt face, lifted his eyelids to look at the yellowing of his eyes. "Cause that's what will happen if you continue to damage your body with that stuff. Ste, you are a little jaundice, and I am concerned." She held his hand and placed a heart monitor on his finger.
"What's that…jaundice?"
"Can mean a few things, liver failure for a start. Have you ever shared needles, or had unprotected sex with anyone else who might have hepatitis?"
Ste swallowed "No…what is all that?"
"I'm just establishing a few details, you do realise that stuff you're putting in your body is poisoning it?" The doctors eyes were serious, unmoving and Ste felt childlike then, scared and alone. He wanted Brendan back again, but his cruel words had pushed him away.
"I want to stop…I will for him…my Brendan" Ste wasn't sure Brendan would want to even know him again now though.
The doctor stood up and moved around to his chart. "No, for yourself, no one else. And I believe you, this time."
"What do you mean, this time?"
"Come on Ste, we have been here so many times this last year, and every time you promise me. The last time you nearly didn't make it, or have you forgotten that?"
"No" He looks at the sheets on the bed hanging his head in shame. People keep reminding him, and all he wants is to forget. They don't know what it's like do they. To lose everything that holds you together. They don't know what its like to just want to give up fighting, because that takes strength, courage, hope.
Ste is miles away in thought when the doctor speaks him out of it again. Her hand is comforting on his shoulder and it's like his thoughts were projected on the walls for her to see.
"Something has changed though, your eyes are different. I think I see…hope" The smile is warm as she leaves Ste to contemplate, he curls up around himself, tears continue to fall. He watches the door and silently prays Brendan will be back.
Brendan fisted the wall hard as he stood outside the hospital, he wasn't about to leave but he certainly needed some air. His lungs absorbed the fresh oxygen as he sucked in a long breath. His head shook and ached with his thoughts, only a few hours earlier he was on top of the world and rushing to see him, and now he has he feels like he's back inside, in that prison cell out of reach of Steven completely.
"Told ya didn't I? No point wasting your time" John Paul leaned up folded arms against the wall and looked up to the sky. "I've lost count of the times I have stood here. Watched the world pass by, all the while Ste is in there discharging himself, promising he'll stop. And he does you know? A week, maybe two. He doesn't last though, and it's me who has to pick up the pieces afterwards"
"Sure I asked ye to stay out of my way didn't I? You'll be pleased to know we had a fall out already" Brendan closed his eyes and massaged his temple, 'they don't sell whisky shots in hospitals' he kept repeating his thoughts.
"Snapping at you for nothing was he? Ste's just venting, ignore him. He thought about you every day" John Paul gestured to a bench, they both moved over to it, Brendan leaning forward on his knees. Turning to glance at John Paul he hesitated a little.
"How do ye know that?"
"I dunno, just little things. I used to watch him when he was quiet and thinking. He'd smile, and he never smiles you know? Not really. That and he speaks your name when he dreams" John Paul scoffs at his words, and what hearing them sounds like.
"Does he love ye?" Brendan's eyes are so stricken with sadness John Paul feels it pull at his heart. He knows that look, the look of love. He hasn't seen that look in a long time.
"He said he does, yes"
Brendan swallowed the lump in his throat,it was like someone had punched him in the stomach he felt that ill. He couldn't breathe. There was a world of air around him and none of it passed his lips, starving him from the outside in. Ste's happiness was all he cared about though, so he'd have to live with it. "I won't come between ye"
"You have been constantly between us the whole time we've been together Brendan" John Paul sighed looking at the floor "I knew how he felt you know? It's the same for me, and if it were Craig sat where you are now"
"You still love him then, after all this time?"
"Do you still love Ste? It never stops, your one true love. You can be with others, it's just comfort in the end. I do care for Ste though, I never thought that jumped up scally would mean anything to me, but yeah, he's in my heart"
"So now what? You're gonna be with him?"
"No Brendan, there's only one person for Ste. Doug once told me about how it's impossible to be with Ste when you're around."
Brendan turned his body resting his arm across the back of the wooden bench and looked at John Paul puzzled "Douglas said that? When?"
"When we were together for a time he mentioned it"
"Wow, ye don't have much luck with fella's eh? They all think about their ex's while with ye"
"Yeah, thanks for that, feel better?"
"A little yeah" Brendan smirks eyes moving front again.
"I slept with his Dad too" John Paul realises how all this sounds finally and hangs his head in shame.
"Ye slept with Douglas' Dad? Ye are sick ye realise?"
No, Ste's dad, Danny? You've missed out on a lot being away"
"Wow. Ok then." Brendan shook his head in disbelief; obviously the world had gone nuts while he was inside. And who the hell was Danny.
"I don't envy you this. It's going to be hard work. I'm tired of it all, watching Ste destroy himself. It's a good job you came back when you did, a couple more months and who knows."
"Just stop that, Steven would never…"
"He has already, I found him."
Brendan's eyes speak a thousand words because he can't begin to express himself any other way.
"Dunno why he did it, he never told me. Look, I am just gonna go and see him." John Paul held his hand on Brendan's shoulder. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you're back, you've saved him"
Brendan turned to watch John Paul enter the sliding doors and into the hospital and counted that off as another surreal moment in his life. His heart hurt, made him feel unwell with the pain. He'd give them some time then go back, he could take the angry words of Ste, they were just symptoms of a man who was desperate. Brendan took out his phone and called Cheryl, they needed to get away from here, somewhere safe, different surroundings. A place Brendan could take care of Ste. Ireland seemed the perfect place, especially with all the shared memories they had there.
"Chez…? I need your help"
Brendan settled in the hospital café a while, ordering a strong sweet coffee and declining any food on offer. He really wasn't himself. The clock on the wall was insanely slow as he glanced at it again and again. Part of him, his heart being that part, wanted to interrupt them. John Paul had something he didn't, time. All that time they had together, Ste was bound to have some kind of feelings towards him.
Brendan drank the remnants of his now cold coffee before eventually deciding he couldn't put it off seeing him any longer going back to Ste's room. It was evening now and the day had passed quickly. A nurse had stopped him on his way through the ward telling him visiting hours were up, it hadn't stopped him though. His argument one that couldn't be bettered, the amount of time they'd spent apart for them now to be separated by a stupid hospital visiting time rule. Some rules were meant to be broken.
He promised to be quiet, and stay in Ste's room. He couldn't be apart from him any longer. The nurse wavered a little even though apprehensive. Brendan kept to his promise quietly walking up the darkened ward to his room, the door swung open slightly and he edged his body sideways, slowly moving in and closing the door noting Ste was sleeping.
The chair was covered in his suit jacket as he removed it, walking around to the room he stood by the open window and took in the breeze. It was summer now and the air was hot; wearing a suit wasn't the best in this kind of humidity. Ste fidgeted on the bed, Brendan's ears pricking up with the sound that raised above his heart beat. He heard the bed sheet movement behind him, springs of the mattress creaking as Ste had woken and raised himself to sit up. The dark of the room blindly separating them, only the moon and buildings' light outside showed their silhouettes.
"I didn't mean it…I just get angry and say things. Truth is I cannot believe you're here, I keep thinking this is a dream like every other time"
Ste's heartfelt words tore through Brendan's strong exterior closing his eyes with the sweet sound of it. The amount of times he'd prayed to hear Ste's voice again, the accent, the sounds it made and how it comforted him so. Yet here they were separated by angry spoken words.
"Me neither" Brendan's voice was low, measured as he looked up into the night sky, the false light from the building blurring out the stars. He could see wispy clouds moving across the sky.
"Are you staying?" Ste faltered because he was scared for the answer, if he said no he'd crumble into a million pieces he was that fragile. Brendan whimpered, he didn't want to hear that beautiful voice so helpless.
Brendan turned to look at Ste, the moonlight creating a small light over his face. "Of course I am, I wouldn't be anywhere else. Even if ye don't want me here"
"I do want you here. I love you Brendan."
"Did John Paul come to see ye?" his body twists so he can look at Ste, but Ste can't see Brendan's face properly, it's dark and obscured from the natural night from the moon, Ste can imagine him frowning, thinking things over in his mind, and Ste doesn't want him to think them. None of it meant anything. Ste needed to see Brendan again, reaching over to a light fixed to the wall he flicked the switch. The sudden light blink blinded them both until their vision wasn't hazy anymore.
"I'm not gonna ask how you know, yes he did. It's over, I told him but he already knew. There was no other outcome, no other man for me but you"
Ste sniffed and wiped his hand across his nose again, rubbed at it, Brendan had noticed this involuntary movement even when he wasn't upset. He knew what it meant and his stomach twisted because of it.
"Ye never touch that stuff again" Brendan folded his arms tightly across his chest, defined his larger arms and muscles, Ste gulped at the new size he's become, he was bigger now and Ste never felt smaller. "D'ye hear me Steven?!"
Ste began to cry, "The doctor said...I might have liver damage"
"The doctor said that?" Brendan unfolded his arms and moved towards the bed.
"Well, apparently I am jaundice, I don't understand it and I am so frightened. I only did it cause it blocked out the pain of living without you, me kids being gone but now you're back and I might die"
"Now ye listen to me there is no way that is gonna happen. I am going to look after ye, and remember me and ye, nothing can beat us, right?"
"Can we start again?" Ste grips the red shirt the older man is wearing and memory flashes like videos through his minds eye. That shirt, Ste rakes his fingers over it as Brendan watches his hands make sure he cannot be dreaming.
Brendan thumbed over Ste's face, and the newly grown stubble that adorned it "So what's all this Steven? Have I competition now?"
Ste felt over his face and smiled "I just kept growin it, why don' ya like me sexy stubble?"
"Like it? I love it, makes ye look rough"
"Oi, I don't look that bad"
"Rough and ready Steven"
"Oh, yeah I guess."
Brendan had a warm smile when he nodded in agreement. "I'd planned what I'd say when we first saw each other again. Funny how ye should never plan"
"Me too,I was gonna run into your arms or somet like that,dive into them" Ste blushed as the beam plastered across his face.
"Then what?" Brendan moved closer to Ste nuzzling their noses together.
"I'd proper snog ya, naturally"
"Naturally,come here" Brendan grinned kissing Ste deeply and laying them on the bed with the motion. Ste's arms cradled him close,angled his head with tongue strokes sweeter than this moment they shared.
"I'm gonna be tasting your moustashe for a week" Ste giggles and feels over his lips, the bristles leaving a ghost
"Wanna try for a month?" Brendan replied flirting kissing Ste again, making it last, they kiss like it's their first time, tastes the rough of his tongue strokes. Brendan licks against the stubble on Ste's chin wants to feel it, pausing to smile before opening his mouth to accept Ste's tongue again leaving them both breathless.
Brendan pulled him into his strong arms and stroked over his hair. "I love ye Steven"
"Don't ever leave me again" Ste couldn't stop the tears falling.
"Shhhh baby"
Brendan whispered and kissed against Ste's hair again and again, fingers combing through it. "I promise I wont"
Ste wrapped his arms tightly around Brendan and rested his head there, Brendan rocked his body in a motion that had Ste falling asleep again, only this time it was in Brendan's arms, the only place he ever felt safe. "I love ye" Brendan closed his eyes and leaned his head to rest against Ste.
Weeks passed by and in that time Brendan had rented a little place nearby to the hospital, he could go there to shower, eat, get changed and be back at the hospital again. The staff had got used to him now, no questions were asked about him staying every night. Ste had started seeing a councillor while in there too, and it seemed to help, that and talking to Brendan.
They lay together whether it be during the day or through the night just talking, so many hours of it passed the time for them. Ste told Brendan everything, the good the bad and the ugly. Brendan kept his promise never moving from Ste's side, whenever he had to leave he always returned to Ste. Watching him get stronger each day warming Brendan's heart and soul.
The third week the doctor had visited and told Ste his colouring had returned and even though it showed improvement, he still had to realise the damage already caused could never be taken away. As long as he kept away from the drugs there was no reason why he couldn't live a happy healthy life again.
"Hey" Brendan's moustache lifted with the span of his smile when his face appeared around the doors of Ste's stifling hot hospital room. Ste was curled up in his boxers on top of the covers with his back towards him and without a voice he just figured he was asleep. Brendan placed a rose on the cabinet next to the bed and then Ste turned to look at him. Face blank, unreadable.
"What's that?"
"That? That is for ye" Brendan gripped the rose in his hand apprehensive gazes into Ste's eyes "I'm not very good at this sort of thing, and there is a bunch of them at the flat for ye, but I wasn't sure whether to give them to ye or not"
Ste held out his hand and took the rose, there was still no movement in his expression and Brendan faltered on his feet. His head gestured backwards "I'll take it back, stupid idea"
"No it's not, I love the gesture, honestly."
"What is it then? Ye don't expect it from me do ye? Have I made things weird now." Brendan hoisted his leg up to sit on the bed, stroked over Ste's thigh and squeezed. "Talk to me"
"No, I mean, yeah it's not something I'd expect, but doesn't mean I don't want it. I want us like this, it's all I've ever wanted. I'm feeling like I need…I need...you know" Ste feels ashamed as he speaks, it's been a few weeks and longer than he's ever gone without the drugs. Today though it's eating at his mind.
"Steven, ye have been doing so well"
"No I ain't, I am finding the cravings unbearable. Please, you will help me right?" Ste held tightly over Brendan's hand "You know where to get them, I just need one more fix, an I swear I'll stop"
Brendan shook his head "Lie back"
"Brendan"
"Hey, lie back" Ste sighed and laid down hard on the bed not unlike a stroppy outburst Brendan almost chuckled at it. He took the rose out of Ste's hand and sat closer on the bed next to him.
"Ye are feeling this craving now?"
Ste nodded "Yeah, I know you can get me some Brendan. I'll give you the money"
"Shush." Brendan held the rose flower against Ste's mouth quieting him. "Close your eyes"
"Bren…" Ste tried to speak but Brendan raised his eyebrows in argument, the younger man huffed his arms across his chest and closed his eyes. The rose brushed lightly against his long lashes and down the curve of his nose gently, smoothed over his cheek and across his lips. Ste parted them a little releasing a little breath. His heart raced against his rib cage, eyes closed only heightened the feeling of the soft petals on his skin.
"All ye need...is to take ye mind off it...and that's what I'm here for, right?" his voice quiet, paced. It had been a long time since he'd heard Brendan's voice so beautiful, loving. Memories of Dublin flushed his mind, a time when it was only them and no one else. A time they got to be that happy and the world had it's meaning again.
Ste's breath trembled as he felt the soft petal flower tickle under the curve of his neck, he held his head back when it touched his Adams apple and hummed in reply. Brendan smirked and traveled the rose against his paler looking skin, it saddened him to know what Steven had done to himself, but he kept up the movements, fed the red velvet textured rose against the flush of his skin. Rounded his nipples invoking a little reaction each time he touched them.
"Ye like that?"
"Yes"
Brendan's fingers dragged the rose to his navel and tickled till his stomach caved in with butterflies, watching his cock tighten against his boxers he swallowed and looked up at Ste who gripped against the bed sheets. Brendan moved the flower over Ste's covered length and moaned as Ste did, it began to tent at the material. Brendan dragged it up and down a few times, until Ste was whimpering, hips moving up and eyes struggling to stay closed.
"Brendan"
Brendan stopped and moved closer to Ste, whispered close into his ear "Every time ye feel like ye want to take that stuff tell me, and I will take your mind off it. Ye are never going back to that life again. Open your eyes"
Ste fluttered his eyelashes open and darted his gaze with Brendan's "I love you"
Brendan grinned and placed a kiss against Ste's mouth, Ste moved his tongue against Brendan's and held his fingers wide through his dark hair gripping a firm hold keeping the kiss going.
Brendan parted them and held up the rose and smirked dancing his eyebrows. Ste smiled wide and took it back in his fingers "That were amazing"
"Hmm, full of surprises me, and like I say, whole bunch of em at home. This is me going soft"
"Bring me one each day?" Ste plopped the rose against Brendan's nose with a giggle.
"Okay, move up" Brendan bumped his body into Ste's with a wink, turned and held Ste against his chest, Ste clawed with his fingers over his top and looked at the rose in his other hand. Couldn't stop smiling. He'd lied, the cravings were still as strong as they always were, but sat in his arms it didn't matter, his body shivered and Brendan pulled the covers over them. Brendan knew too gripping his hold warmer for him. Ste placed the rose at his nose and took in its scent.
"You know it's gonna take more than this though? I love you care, an want to help, but that's not always going to work"
"Maybe I could try my tongue then?"
"Bren!"
"Okay, I know! Ye still enjoyed it. I had ye melting"
"Bren, why haven't you touched me yet?"
"I am touching ye now Steven" Brendan tightened his grip around Ste to prove his words.
"Is it because of John Paul?"
"No" Brendan really didn't want to discuss them together; he couldn't figure out what was worse him or Douglas. Brendan shivered.
Ste strained his head up to look at Brendan who instantly caught his eyes. "I miss you" Ste's hand stroked over Brendan's trousers, he jolted with it and sat up removing Ste's hand.
"Get some sleep okay? I will be here when ye wake up"
"Brendan"
"No Steven, ye need to rest now"
Ste was watching the dusky sky turn from a bright orange to deep blue as the night began to crawl in. The recent weeks passed by quickly for him, he'd not touched any drugs, and when he'd wanted too this time he had Brendan to help fight it. The cravings in the beginning had been hard to get over, but his reason for living was back again. All he wanted was to spend his life with Brendan. That strength helped him try overcome his habit, that and the meetings with his counsellor.
It hadn't completely left him though, it still sometimes niggled the back of his mind and occasionally had days where he'd think about it, it was a battle he'd have to fight his whole life now. Ste took a deep breath and padded over to his bed and looked at the time, he missed Brendan when he wasn't here. He loved the evenings best because it was when they lay close to each other. Nothing had happened between them, not because they didn't want it, but because Ste was too weak.
His body in the beginning had been so frail, thin. Over time he began to eat properly, and the saline drip-fed into his veins goodness his body needed to make him fit again. He had been thinking about it though, and their earlier moment had lit a fire deep within him, Ste tried to encourage something between them, but Brendan was too protective.
He arrived eventually and Ste had prepared, with a little help from a porter he'd made friends with. He gazed at the one red rose that stood tall in the over sized vase he now had and smiled. Brendan's support had never been more important to him, but Ste missed their closeness, that craving he found he needed more than anything else.
Brendan halted his movement watching Ste's mischievous face looking at him." Erm, what's going on?"
"Nothin…come here" Ste gestured his finger at Brendan who dropped his coat on the chair. Ste took him into his arms once he's held his body high on his knees, kissing deeply and taking Brendan by surprise. His hand held against Brendan's zipper.
"Remember when you said you'd take my mind off things" Ste nibbled his ear lobe longer "You know what I need"`
"Steven, I can't"
"Why do you keep refusing me? Do I disgust you now?" Ste's eyes glaze over as he gets himself upset.
"Don't ye ever think that. Look at ye, so beautiful. Ye know how I feel, I always want ye"
"Prove it then. How can ya act so cold? It's been years, touch me"
"I want ye better first, stronger"
"I wont break if you fuck me, I might scream but you always did have that effect" Ste winked and moved in for a kiss which Brendan reciprocated eagerly. He wasn't wrong, he wanted the younger man again, and it hurt to refuse him. The kisses became too much for Brendan, and he moved away from the bed.
"I'm gonna go get…I'll be back soon" Brendan thumbed to the door and moved swiftly
"Brendan don't…please, I need you."
"I won't be long, promise" Brendan's eyes implored forgiveness as he left.
Ste fell back down on his bed feeling rejected; his hands cradled his heavy head.