AN: I don't really know why I decided to write these parodies. 'Cause usually, when I write parody, it's because I've noticed a general dearth of them in a particular area on this website. But this time, I decided to write these parodies before I even read any Lost fanfiction. And then I decided not to read any Lost parodies at all because I don't want to be influenced by them. Although I have to say, if I'm influenced by anything in writing this, it's Soyotome's movie parodies (GREAT, btw––read them).
Plus, Lost is a actually a hard show to parody. Because it's a REALLY GOOD SHOW. Not because of the monsters, or the Others, or the mystery of the hatch, or anything else plot-related––because of the characters. I could go on for pages, but I wouldn't want to put you through that. Anyway, these parodies are gonna be a challenge. I don't think this first one is particularly laugh-out-loud funny, but hopefully it's at least entertaining. I tried to get a lot of the obvious things to parody out of the way here––like Jack's hero complex.
Enjoy.
Episode One:
Pilot - Part 1, or In which a bloody monster is discovered on the bloody island
LOST
An EYE opens. It is JACK'S eye. Jack is a DOCTOR. Jack sees a DOG. See the dog RUN AWAY. RUN, dog, RUN.
Jack is LYING IN A JUNGLE. He gets to his feet and PULLS OUT A SMALL BOTTLE OF ALCOHOL.
JACK: Maybe this whole plane crash thing is a hallucination brought on by airline vodka.
JACK stumbles out of the jungle and hears VARIOUS OMINOUS NOISES. He DASHES DOWN THE BEACH; unfortunately he has misplaced his SUPERMAN CAPE and is mistakenly wearing an ARMANI SUIT.
He arrives at the WRECKAGE of a LARGE PLANE. Oh dear. How is it that Jack ended up so far out in the jungle, with no apparent injuries other than four MYSTERIOUSLY REGULAR SCRATCHES on his TANNED, MANLY, HANDSOME face? Clearly, this island is not a normal place.
Lest we forget, however, there were OTHER PEOPLE on the plane who are now STUMBLING AROUND in various states of BLOODINESS. SHANNON is SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY, perhaps because she has BROKEN A NAIL. CHARLIE, meanwhile, WANDERS AIMLESSLY in front of an EXTREMELY DANGEROUS PROPELLER.
CHARLIE: Ha ha. Propeller.
Jack uses his SUPER DOCTORMAN VISION to save various people who are TRAPPED, and/or PREGNANT, and/or BEING INCOMPETENTLY RESUSCITATED BY A PRETTYBOY LOSER WHO IS CLEARLY MARKED FOR DEATH.
JACK: Oh wow, I'm just running all over the place here. Hm, maybe I'll eventually start to resent that everyone expects me to do everything for them…
HURLEY: Dude. This lady's pregnant. I mean she's like…having a baby?
JACK: Yeah. Doctor.
HURLEY: Oh. Okay. So you like…know what pregnant means?
JACK: I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run over here now. But my name…is Jack.
HURLEY: What's your last name?
JACK: Smith. Jack Jacob Jingleheimer Smith.
HURLEY: Dude, that sounds so familiar. I think it's, like, a song, or a poem, or something.
Jack rushes over to BOONE and ROSE, who is NOT BREATHING.
BOONE: I'm a loser and I don't know what I'm doing.
JACK: I can save everybody!
BOONE: Do you have a pen?
JACK: Uh-oh, gotta save the pregnant lady again. I told that fat, hairy, sweaty guy to get her out of the way. And where does he take her? Right underneath the plane's wing that's FREAKIN' ABOUT TO FALL AND CRUSH THEM BENEATH ITS MASSIVE WEIGHT!
BOONE: Do you have a pen?
JACK: Hey you! Fat hairy sweaty guy and pregnant lady! Get out of the way!
The wing FALLS and EXPLODES, fortunately not crushing anyone beneath its TREMENDOUS GIRTH.
BOONE: Do you have a pen?
CHARLIE: Ha ha. That piece of flaming debris almost landed on me. Silly debris. Doesn't it know that I'm the bass guitarist from the uber-famous Driveshaft?
Jack, now that the need for his doctor skills has apparently disappeared, proceeds to have a MINOR BREAKDOWN.
JACK: Stupid plane. Stupid crash. Stupid island. Stupid people.
Boone appears at Jack's side, smiling proudly and carrying a HANDFUL OF PENS.
BOONE: I helped!
JACK: Right. Good job. Now we'll all proceed to ignore you as much as possible and try to avoid entrusting you with anything important or difficult because you'll only screw it up. But don't worry, I'm sure you're not marked for death.
BOONE: I'm a useless prettyboy loser. Plus, my eyebrows are even scarier than Angelina Jolie's. Yay me.
Scene cuts to JACK, doing some more STUMBLING ALONG THE BEACH. He then proceeds to TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES.
FANGIRLS: Ohhh–– Oh, ew, hairy chest.
JACK: See how terribly injured I am? This crash was so realistic.
Jack then EXAMINES HIS ARMPIT.
JACK: Dry as a bone and fresh as a spring morning. Yep, you know your deodorant's good when it works through a plane crash. Of course my deodorant was lost in the crash…so I will soon have highly realistic, manly sweat marks on all my shirts.
FANGIRLS: That's okay. We like sweat. Sweat is sexy. Just keep your shirt on, 'kay
Suddenly, KATE stumbles out of the jungle, RUBBING HER WRIST.
KATE: Hey! I'm not rubbing my wrist. And even if I was rubbing my wrist, it's definitely not because I just got rid of a pair of handcuffs. I am not a crook! Anyway, sorry to have disturbed you in your terribly injured, bloody, hairy-chestedstate. I'll just be going.
JACK: Wait! I, the amazing hero doctor of the island, need your help. You need to sew up this gaping slash in my back, just like you sewed the drapes in your apartment.
KATE: What apartment? What drapes? I don't know what you're talking about.
JACK: Are you going to sew me up or what?
KATE: Sure. Fine. Whatever. But I gotta warn you, this is going to create an instant bond between us. You know, we'll do each other's hair, gossip about the other survivors, run away from monsters together and all that.
JACK: Okay, great. Now gimme some vodka.
KATE: What vodka? I have no vodka! Who told you I had vodka?
Scene cuts to VARIOUS CLIPS OF THE OTHER SURVIVORS.
CLAIRE: Wow, this pregnancy sure looks real. And I have an outie belly button.
HURLEY: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. That's right, of course the fat guy's hoarding the food… You know I'm not just "the fat guy." I have a name, it's Hurley. Well actually that's not even my name, my real name is Hugo…you don't want to know how I got the nickname Hurley.
LOCKE: I'm a nice grandfatherly figure!
SAYID: Hey you. Hobbit. Get some wood.
CHARLIE: Yeah, of course, wood… You know I once, uh, I once… Well, my guitar is made of wood. I'm in a band. Driveshaft. You've heard of us, of course.
Scene cuts back to JACK and KATE. We assume that Kate is SEWING JACK'S CUT, as she is SITTING BEHIND HIM and Jack occasionally makes a SMALL GRIMACE OF PAIN.
KATE: So did you notice how dirty my face is? That's a relic of a terrible plane crash, that is.
JACK: Yeah, and have you noticed how much my facial hair has grown since we were on the plane? I think this island must be magic or something. Anyway, now I have the sudden urge to tell you a terribly personal story that will further deepen our instant bond. Because of me telling you this story, we will have pillowfights and make popcorn and track creepy men through the jungle together.
KATE: Okay, cool.
Scene cuts to more CLIPS OF THE OTHER SURVIVORS. It is now NIGHT-TIME.
CHARLIE: I'm writing with one of the pens that Boone rejected.
SAYID: Charlie is my new best friend, because we collected firewood together. Plus we both have accents, which makes us instant soulmates.
SHANNON: I found my nail polish.
BOONE: I found a candy bar. I'm a solicitous brother, so I'm attempting to give it to my sister.
SHANNON: Found my lip gloss too. I've got everything I need.
HURLEY: See? See, I'm not hoarding this food. I'm sharing it out with everyone. Ha! I showed you. I am not a stereotype!
CLAIRE: I'm eating for two.
MICHAEL: So, son…do you like, um, video games?
WALT: No.
JIN: Am I speaking Chinese or Korean? Who knows!
SUN: I'm a dutiful wife.
JIN: We'll have a cluckety-cluck-cluck time here on the island.
KATE: So this man…he's got some metal sticking out of his side. Can you fix him? Will he survive? Will he be okay? Will he, like, be able to talk, or maybe hold a gun, or what?
JACK: Why so curious?
KATE: Oh, I don't really care. I'm just, you know, a concerned humanitarian. Definitely not hiding anything.
Scene cuts to JACK and KATE sitting by a fire. Jack has MADE AN AIRPLANE OUT OF A LEAF.
KATE: See, we're bonding already.
JACK: So I'm gonna go out tomorrow and find the cockpit of the plane, 'cause you know it kinda fell off in midair.
KATE: Cool. I'll tag along. We can bond.
JACK: Great. Only you know what? Somehow throughout this whole day, even though you sewed up my gaping wound and watched me examine that shrapnel guy and sat with me by a fire…we never introduced ourselves.
KATE: Wow. Go figure. Must have been all that bonding taking up our time. My name's Kate. Kate the definitely-not-a-fugitive-from-justice.
JACK: My name's Jack. Jack the amazing-hero-doctor-of-the-island. But actually, my full name is Jackington.
Suddenly, VERY LOUD NOISES EMANATE FROM THE JUNGLE. Instead of RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING, the survivors APPROACH THE JUNGLE.
LOCKE: So there's a monster. That's cool.
WALT: It sounds like my dog! My gigantic, twenty-ton invisible dog!
HURLEY: Dude. That's not Clifford. It's one of those dinosaurs from King Kong's island, only it's invisible. Which means…King Kong must be around here somewhere.
Hurley LOOKS AROUND CAREFULLY, as though expecting to spot THE GIANT GORILLA THAT NO ONE NOTICED BEFORE.
CHARLIE: A bloody monster in the bloody jungle. Bloody terrific.
Scene BLACKS OUT, then cuts to a PLANE FLYING PEACEFULLY. And all is well.
JACK: Boy, I wish there was some nice flight attendant here to give me a couple bottles of vodka. One for now and one to save for later.
CINDY THE NICE FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Hm…mid-thirties, handsome, wearing an Armani suit… Have some vodka! On the house!
CHARLIE abruptly rushes by, CLOSELY PURSUED by Cindy and others.
CINDY: Halt, terrorist! I mean, please wait, sir.
The plane abruptly TIPS AND SHAKES as it encounters TURBULENCE. ROSE, who is seated ACROSS THE AISLE from Jack, looks BLOODY TERRIFIED.
JACK: Don't worry. The plane's not going to crash.
AUDIENCE: No, of course not…
ROSE: My husband, who's in the bathroom right now because the workings of his bladder are a semi-important plot point, tells me that planes want to be in the air. Which makes perfect sense, because what isn't natural about a several-ton mass of metal and plastic and fuel flying?
There is A GREAT DEAL MORE TURBULENCE.
JACK: Oh, I'm sure everything's fine.
AUDIENCE: Of course it is…
Unfortunately and most unpredictably, the TURBULENCE INCREASES and OXYGEN MASKS FALL FROM THE CEILING.
JACK: Maybe I was wrong…
Scene cuts to JACK'S FACE, back on the island THE FOLLOWING MORNING.
JACK: You know, Kate, you're a woman, so you're obviously weak and helpless. Maybe you should stay here while I, the amazing hero doctor, go find the cockpit by myself.
KATE: No, I just need some nice shoes to give me superhero powers so I can keep up with you.
Kate goes to look for SHOES on the DEAD BODIES.
KATE: Oh, so fashionable! And just my size!
LOCKE: I'm a nice grandfatherly figure!
Scene cuts to a BEACH POWWOW between VARIOUS SURVIVORS.
SHANNON: I've got sunblock too. I was so ready for this beach vacation.
HURLEY: Hey, dudes. You know, I just realized that a lot of people are, you know, kind of…dead.
SAYID: Yep.
JACK: Hey guys. I'm going off into the jungle with Kate. Just the two of us. Completely alone. Don't expect us back for a while. She's going to find the cockpit. Of the plane. Which means that Boone, now you're in charge of the patients.
Jack WINKS at Sayid.
CHARLIE: Kate, huh? She's not the fat one with the hairlip, is she?
JACK: No. She's the one who's definitely not a jugitive from justice. Over there, taking the shoes from that dead body.
CHARLIE: Oh. Ohhh. In that case, I'll come with.
Scene cuts to JACK, KATE, and CHARLIE hiking across a ROLLING FIELD.
KATE: You know, Charlie, you look kind of––
CHARLIE: Familiar? I know. I'm in Driveshaft. Bass player.
KATE: No, actually, I was going to say that you look tired. Maybe we should rest.
JACK: Can't rest. Gotta keep moving. What's a driveshaft?
Scene cuts back to the BEACH and focuses on LOCKE, who is SITTING IN FRONT OF THE WATER AS A STORM GATHERS ABOVE HIS HEAD. It begins, unexpectedly, to RAIN. Everyone RUNS FOR SHELTER.
JIN: Get out of my shelter! If you enter my shelter you will brush against my wife, and then I will have to kill you.
Locke, however, REMAINS ON THE BEACH.
LOCKE: See, I'm just a nice grandfatherly figure who likes the rain.
Cut back to JACK, KATE, and CHARLIE, who are now hiking IN THE RAIN.
CHARLIE: Hey guys. It's raining. Hey. Can you hear me? Is that, you know, normal? Rain? Hey! Listen up! Why does everyone ignore me around here? I'm not a loser like Boone. I'm not marked for death. You're going to have to put up with me for a while, you know, so maybe you should start treating Charlie with a little respect. I'm going to resent this, you know. I'm going to resent this until I get to risk my life to save Jack, and then maybe I'll have a little respect instead of everyone going on about Jack the doctor Jack the hero Jack the bloody amazing island man. Hey! Is this the front of the plane?
The three CLIMB UP THE AISLE OF THE PLANE with rather a lot of GRUNTING AND STRAINING. Charlie, especially, seems to encounter A GREAT DEAL OF DIFFICULTY while Kate and Jack SCRAMBLE AHEAD.
CHARLIE: Oh, right, I'm just the comic relief here, I'm not a hero like Jack and Kate. Will I ever break out of being an Indistuingishable Backup Hobbit?
JACK: You know, Kate, you're a woman, so you're obviously weak and helpless. Maybe you should––
KATE: Didn't we already have this conversation?
JACK: Well, okay. In that case I'll just help you up into the cockpit. And then maybe I'll ignore Charlie, because he doesn't look quite as attractive with all his clothes clinging wetly to his body.
They drag themselves into the COCKPIT, where the BODY OF THE PILOT is slumped limply in a CHAIR.
KATE: So let's just grab this tranceiver dealie and get the hell out of here.
PILOT: By the way, I'm alive.
KATE: Oh. Well, I was thinking about turning this cockpit into a secret love nest for me and Jack…but having this bruised and battered pilot guy around kind of spoils the decor.
JACK: We've been on this island for sixteen whole hours! And nobody's come to rescue us!
PILOT: Well, it's just a hunch, but that could possibly be because we were, oh, about a thousand miles off course when we crashed. Give or take a mile or two.
JACK: That can't be good.
PILOT: By the way, here's that transceiver you were looking for.
The pilot DOES SOMETHING to the transceiver, presumably ATTEMPTING TO MAKE IT WORK.
JACK: Great! We can send a message, and the rescue party will come for us, and we'll all be saved! Thanks to my great work in finding the cockpit and the transceiver!
PILOT: Unfortunately, the transceiver isn't working.
JACK: Damn it.
The plane BEGINS TO SHAKE.
JACK: Don't worry. I'm sure everything's fine. Hey, I just remembered that little British guy. Where'd he get to?
CHARLIE: I'm in the bathroom! I'm not looking for any drugs! And my name is Charlie!
KATE: Uh, Jack? I think there's a monster out there.
PILOT: Well, I'll just stick my head out the window to have a look.
The pilot, unexpectedly,is GRABBED BY THE MONSTER.
CHARLIE: Hey. Blood on the window. Wow, that would be a great song title…
KATE: I think we should run.
The three, most sensibly, RUN AWAY from the MONSTER. It is unfortunate, however, that the monster is INVISIBLE.
Charlie, fulfilling his role as the SIDEKICK, falls and gets his FOOT STUCK. Jack, fulfilling his role as the HERO, rushes back to HELP. Kate continues running, falls over, and, fulfilling her role as the DAMSEL IN DISTRESS, screams JACK'S NAME.
KATE: I'm hysterical! And I'm wet! I'm wet and I'm hysterical!
CHARLIE: Aw, Kate, do you need your blue blanket?
KATE: Oh, hey, Charlie. Where's Jack?
CHARLIE: Oh, I dunno. Somewhere off getting mauled by a monster?
KATE: Well, I'm gonna go find him. We have a bond, remember?
CHARLIE: Right, right, you two and your bloody bond. Well, you're a weak helpless woman, so I guess I'll have to come with you even thought I'm bloody terrified out of my bloody mind. Plus it just stopped raining, and that has to be a good sign.
Kate and Charlie head back THROUGH THE JUNGLE. Jack APPEARS, muddy but UNSCATHED.
JACK: Hey, Kate.
KATE: Jack! You're okay!
JACK: Of course! I'm the hero! You don't think I'd get killed in the first episode, do you?
WRITERS: Well, ha ha, no…
CHARLIE: Hi, Jack. It's me, Charlie. You know, you saved my life, and then I kept running and left you behind? Remember me?
JACK: Yeah. Of course. Charlie.
CHARLIE: Well, even if I'm the useless sidekick on this little venture, at least I get to deliver a meaningful, memorable final line! Here I go. Guys––how does something like that happen?
The camera ZOOMS UPWARD, focusing on the MANGLED, BLOOD-SOAKED BODY lying in the BRANCHES OF A TREE.
PILOT: I'm really dead this time!
LOST
AN: A quick parting note to say something you may or may not have known–– In the original Lost pilot script, Jack got killed by the monster too. I watched the cast auditions on the 7th DVD, and it was funny because everyone was talking about how the monster got Jack.