Chuck Versus the Swingers
By Steampunk . Chuckster
Summary: Chuck, Sarah, Captain Awesome, and Ellie head out for New Year's Eve and thanks to one of Awesome's work friends, they stumble into a situation they definitely did not bargain for. One-shot. Canon.
A/N: I've been combing through things I put on my tumblr, fic requests and the like, and I felt like it'd be fun to start posting some of them. This one made me laugh so hard re-reading it that I couldn't NOT put it up first. I hope you all enjoy! Hahahahahaha!
Disclaimer: I do not own CHUCK, and I do not make the CHUCK moneys.
Hold onto your butts!
"Chuck. Sarah. Please. This guy is so weird. We can't go alone." Ellie leaned forward with her hands clasped together. "I'll owe you! Devon and I can babysit Morgan so that you two can go off on a romantic getaway together!"
Chuck and Sarah sat on the couch next to each other, their shoulders brushing, their faces set in similar confusion and a little fright. They turned and met eyes.
"Morgan isn't our child, Ellie," Sarah finally said, looking at her boyfriend's sister a little tentatively.
"Well. He sort of is. That's not important. Just please come with us. It will be fun. Three couples going out on the town for New Year's Eve. Gerard invited you guys specifically. If you wanted to come."
"Ellie, you just said, and I quote, 'this guy is so weird'. Why would we want to spend a night out on the town with a weirdo and his girlfriend?" Chuck asked dubiously.
"Because I'll be there, too?" his sister chirped hopefully, a wide, cheesy, and still incredibly sweet smile on her face. "And Devon?"
"I don't know, El. It's just that Sarah and I haven't really had a night where we get to just chill together, you know? We wanna veg and hang out, just the two of us…And it's New Year's Eve…"
"Oh, you guys can have sex any time." Both Chuck and Sarah's eyes popped as they looked at each other with identical blushes and then down to their laps. Apparently, Ellie Woodcomb had reached the end of her rope and was resorting to force. "It's one night. Please, do this for us."
"Okay," Sarah finally said, overruling Chuck. Although, she had a feeling he'd already been swayed by Ellie's desperation. "But just out of curiosity, why do you and Devon have to go in the first place? Couldn't you make excuses or something? Like, you have to spend New Year's Eve with the Woodcombs?"
Ellie rolled her eyes and huffed. "Devon seems to think he owes Gerard. That vacation we took in November? Remember? Well, the reason why we could stay an extra day was because Gerard came in to the hospital to cover for Devon on the day we flew home. Really saved us from having to rush home. But now we have to go out with him and his girlfriend. Who is equally as strange, Devon says. I don't know. It's just this one night."
There was a moment of silence.
"So you guys will go?"
Chuck and Sarah looked at each other and shrugged. "We'll go," Chuck said.
"Oh my God. Thank you!" She leapt up from the chair and hugged Chuck tightly, then threw herself at Sarah similarly. "You guys are lifesavers! I love you both so much! Devon and I will be over at nine, if that's okay. We can carpool."
"Out on the town on New Year's Eve in the minivan," Chuck drawled. "That sounds super fancy."
"Shut up, you," Ellie said, pointing at him with a glare. Though she was so grateful that it didn't have the desired effect.
}o{
"Where the hell are we even going?"
"I don't know, Babe. He just told me which parking structure to go to and he said he would meet us at the elevator with Yolanda."
"Yolanda?" Chuck asked from the backseat. "This is going to be great," he drawled.
Ellie snorted.
Devon looked over his shoulder with wide eyes for a moment. "Just be warned. Gerard is sort of a boring guy. Doesn't talk all that much, but Yolanda is like…a mile a minute. Also, her voice register is…Well, I just feel bad for any dogs around the area. Let's just leave it at that."
Sarah chuckled a little. "This is going to be great."
"Seriously, you guys. Thank you for coming. I know this sucks being out on a holiday when you could be canoodling. I'd like to canoodle Ellie—"
"Stop," Chuck said from the backseat.
Ellie spun in her seat. "If it gets bad enough, Sarah, you can tell them about your spastic colon."
Chuck's eyes widened and he looked out of the window as he felt Sarah turn and fix him with a meaningful stare. He couldn't see it…but he knew what it looked like.
"Yes. I could do that, Ellie. You're right."
Devon finally pulled into a parking space and the foursome clambered out in their "dressy casual" wear. Both Sarah and Ellie chose tight-fitted dresses that went down to their knees, Ellie's black and sleeveless, Sarah's maroon with spaghetti straps and a stylish black belt around her thin midsection.
Chuck and Devon wore suits, Devon's black and Chuck's dark brown, both neglecting to wear a tie because of the "casual" specification.
"This is the sort of parking garage where people get mugged," Ellie observed, holding Devon's hand tightly.
"Or thrown into a trunk and…" Chuck shivered. "Never mind."
Sarah slid her hands around his arm and bumped his shoulder with her nose.
Finally they came to the elevator.
"Is this the right one?"
"Uh, yeah." Devon took his cell out of his pocket, unlocked the screen, and tapped around a second, before holding the phone to his ear. "Hey, Gerardooo. My man. We're here. Just wait at the elevator? I mean we can come up if you want. You don't have to—Oh. You dohave to. Right." Devon looked at them with an arched eyebrow. "Okay, we'll, uh, we'll wait here."
When he hung up his phone and slid it into his pocket, he shivered a little. "So, uh…We wait here. And he'll come down and—"
The elevator dinged behind him, terrifying the muscle-bound doctor so much that he yelped and spun around, grabbing Ellie for dear life in the process.
"Okay, Devon. Honey. You need to take a deep breath." His wife patted his shoulder with a pitying smile.
"This place is just creepy, okay?"
"I'm actually getting that vibe, too, now that he mentions it," Sarah murmured into Chuck's ear. He turned his head and nodded, his nostrils flared. "As much as I hate you for that stupid spastic colon thing, it might actually come in handy. If only in this case."
"It's come in handy before, too, you just—Sorry. Right. I'm done." In spite of his verbal faux pas, Sarah leaned up and kissed his cheek.
The elevator doors slid open to reveal a man in his late thirties in an off-white suit and purple button-up. A purple fedora was on his head and he wore silver snakeskin shoes and…just wow.
"The Woodcombs have arrived!" he exclaimed, opening his arms. "Yolanda is upstairs but she is so glad you could make it. Come in, come in—Oh!" His eyes settled on Sarah first, then moved to Chuck. "The lovebirds are here, too. This is going to be a real party!" He gestured them all into the elevator and they all seemed to have the same foreboding thoughts about climbing in with the strange man, because no one made a move. "Well? Come on! We're missing the party!"
Ellie grabbed Devon's arm and pulled him along with her into the elevator. The look Devon gave them when he turned away from Gerard was so uncomfortable that Sarah had to bite her cheek to keep from laughing, and instead pulled Chuck inside with her.
The younger couple turned to give each other a long look as the doors closed. A look that said many things. One of which was "You got my back, I got yours." And Sarah couldn't help feeling especially glad that she had her knives strapped to her thigh.
Both couples held hands when the elevator finally stopped on the seventh floor and the doors slid open to reveal a pretty young woman with bright red, wavy hair and a red dress that hugged her curves.
"Scuse me, folks." Gerard moved between both couples and gently shoved his way out of the elevator first, wrapping an arm around Yolanda's shoulders. "Look at who I brought up for you, Baby."
"Hi!" she chirped, and Sarah in particular jumped at the pitch of her voice.
They followed Gerard and Yolanda down a long hallway to what sounded like some sort of gathering. There was music drifting out of the double doors at the end of the hallway. But before they even got there, Gerard and Yolanda were quite literally walking and making out at the same time.
When they got to the doors, the male half of the couple turned and eyed his guests. "You better get it out now while you can. Things will be different inside." He winked.
"Get…get what out?" Devon asked, turning to Ellie. She just shrugged as Sarah sent Chuck a dubious look.
Gerard opened the doors and gestured them inside. "Don't worry. I covered your admission fees. And new members get to bring a guest couple, so Chuck and…what's your name again, sweetheart?"
"Sarah."
"Sarah, that's right." He winked again. "Chuck and Sarah get free admission."
"That's very nice," Chuck said, politely, showing his teeth in a grin that looked forced only to the people who knew him best.
They walked past the woman at the podium who smiled invitingly but said nothing as they swept into the club.
There were maybe thirty to forty people mingling in the room that was rather large, lined with doors along the walls. A large chandelier hung from the ceiling and the lighting was incredibly low and intimate. Music came from speakers set up at the front of the room and a handful of couples stood on the makeshift dance floor dancing rather…scandalously. Chuck noticed that one couple seemed to give up on the dancing altogether and just stood clinging to each other, making out.
Sarah took in the entire room, noticing almost immediately that no one looked over forty or younger than maybe twenty five. And everyone was broken off into couples. No one was actually mingling outside of their partner.
"Give us an hour or so and we can meet up then," their host said, turning to grin at them. His eyes slid over to Ellie. "Save a dance for me, huh, Mrs. Woodcomb?"
"Um," was all Ellie seemed capable of at the moment.
Sarah noticed that Yolanda hadn't exactly been subtle, the way her eyes were slowly sweeping up her boyfriend's tall, lithe body. And even though she wanted to punch the woman in the jugular for it, her confidence in her own superiority over the woman (especially in Chuck's eyes) kept her from doing anything other than smiling sweetly at the departing couple.
It was a holiday, after all.
Gerard and Yolanda laughed excitedly together and suddenly swept into one of the rooms off to the side.
"Are there…other rooms?" Ellie asked, turning to Sarah.
"I have no idea. But at least there's a bar."
"And music. Devon, want to dance?"
"I…guess so…" He looked completely out of his element, a line between his eyebrows and his mouth agape. As though he was waiting for the roof to cave in at any moment.
"Yeah, you need to loosen up, honey. Come on." Ellie tugged a bit on his arm and sent Chuck and Sarah an amused look before they moved through the crowd to the dance floor.
"Can I buy a pretty lady her favorite cocktail?" Chuck murmured with a smile.
"Yes, please. I'll scope things out from here," she said.
"Super spy," he teased and she shrugged one shoulder cutely. He kissed her cheek and made his way towards the bar.
Suddenly a man who looked to be about her age stopped next to her and smiled. "You two come together?"
"Yes," she answered immediately. "Very together."
"Already? You just got here." He laughed at his own joke and nudged her with his elbow.
"Uh, what?"
"I'm Philip." He stuck his hand out.
She looked at his hand but made no move to take it. "I see. Listen, Philip, I'm here with my boyfriend."
"Well, I'm here with my wife." He stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged.
"Well. Okay. That's…great." Something weird was happening and she couldn't figure it out just yet, but things just felt…strange. And irregular.
"How about I call you Mariah?"
"What? No. That's not my name."
He blinked, then made a face and shrugged. "Okay. Well, what do you want me to call you?"
She just gaped at him, too confused to react in any way but with silence.
A grin swept across his face. "No name, huh? That sounds kind of interesting. I like that. Okay, mystery woman…"
"What?" Sarah interrupted, but he kept talking.
"What do you do?"
"Uh, just a boring government job…"
"No, no." He chuckled. "I mean…what do you…do?"
"…I'm sorry?" Suddenly an idea struck her and she stared at the slightly confused but definitely still interested blond man beside her.
She knew she should immediately shut him down and join Chuck at the bar, but her curiosity was getting the better of her. She wanted to solve this mystery before she talked to Chuck. Because she thought she might have a theory, and if she was right, this would either be an extremely hilarious or an extremely traumatizing experience. Quite possibly both at the same time.
}o{
Chuck tapped his fingers on the bar and waited for the bartender to fix the drinks he ordered for himself and Sarah.
There was a flash of blond at his side and then a hand slid under his jacket, nails raking up his spine over his thin dress shirt and causing him to shiver. In spite of his sometimes squeamishness about PDA, there were moments when Sarah's touching habits were incredibly nice. And he was getting better about it. Because there was no way to deny a woman like Sarah Walker, whether you were in public or not. He smirked to himself as her body moved close and he kept his gaze on the bottle of Grey Goose next to the cash register.
When her lips gently grazed his earlobe, a bad feeling suddenly spread through him.
"Never seen you here before, sexy."
"BWAH!" He stumbled away and was wracked with bad chills, squirming uncomfortably as he looked at the blond young woman staring at him with amused and lusty eyes. "Oh, hi there. Hi. You—You are not the blonde I thought you were." He unconsciously did the Jedi hand wave, looked down at said hand, shook his head, and buried it in his pants pocket. "Uh, uh. Sorry. Sorry, I'm here with someone. My girlfriend, actually. Sooo…"
"I'm here with my husband," she shrugged.
"Wow. Just…wow. Okay. Well. That's fantastic. Are those my drinks? Those are my drinks. Lemme just…" He reached around her and grabbed the two drinks the bartender put down. "…Grab those. You have a nice night, there. Okay? Okay. Yep. Wow."
Chuck turned away from the bar with drinks in hand, blushing furiously, when he nearly collided with Sarah. "Oh God. Sa—"
"Hey there, handsome," she interrupted loudly, grabbing one of the drinks, apparently not caring that it was his, and downing it all in one gulp. "God, that was necessary. You're gonna wanna drink that."
"Wha—?"
"Drink it," she hissed through her teeth. As he nodded and downed his drink, Sarah turned to the other blonde. "Sorry, I already nabbed this guy." The other woman shrugged, seemingly nonplussed by the developments. Sarah grabbed Chuck's empty glass, and put both down on the bar. "Come on, Guy-I-Don't-Know."
Her fingers then slid over his belt buckle and clutched at the waistband of his pants, tugging him away from the bar. He choked a little, his voice strangling in his throat and his face turning bright red.
And then she opened one of the doors off to the side and they stepped inside.
A couple was lying prone on a love seat, half undressed. Both looked up calmly.
"You guys are welcome if—" the man started.
"Nope! No thanks!" Sarah rushed, shoving Chuck back out again and shutting the door behind her.
"Why didn't they freaking lock the door? Anybody could walk in!" Chuck whispered close to her ear as they moved on.
"I think that's kinda the point."
"Huh?"
She opened another door, checked to make sure it was empty, and smacked Chuck right on his backside. "Now get in there, big boy."
"What the—" Chuck had never seen her like this, and when he turned to look at her with wide, stunned eyes, she bit her lip and smiled that special smile of hers that had led to alone time in Castle's supply closet more than once.
As she slid into the room after him, Chuck made the conscious decision to just go with it. So when she shut the door and rounded on him, he pinned her with his hands on either side of her head and moved in for a heated kiss.
She hummed a little, then smiled against his lips, but pulled back suddenly. He saw a flash of reluctance in her blue eyes, but just for a moment. "Later, Chuck."
"What?" he panted, standing up straight and dropping his hands to his sides.
Sarah seemed to realize what he'd assumed and winced apologetically. "Chuck, this is a swingers party."
He gaped at her for a moment, blinked once, and a slow smile came over him. Then he chuckled.
"Chuck, I'm serious."
The chuckle died. "What?!"
"Don't freak out. I had to make everyone think we weren't together and that I was taking you in here for sex."
"People actually do this?"
She gave him a flat look. "Chuck, people have been doing this for centuries. Just because you and I aren't into it—"
"No, we're not."
Sarah let out a huff of amusement and patted his chest lovingly. "That's sweet how you're so unwilling to share me, sweetie, and rest assured, if that woman's hand had traveled any higher up under your jacket where I couldn't see it, she was going to get my knife up her ass."
That made Chuck smile.
And then a thought struck him and he reached around her for the doorknob.
She smacked at his hand. "What are you doing?"
They began to wrestle against the door as she tried to keep him from opening it. "I gotta get Ellie out of here! I brought my sister to a swingers party!"
"You didn't bring her! Her husband did—Oh." They stopped and stared at each other. "Wow, that's awkward."
He wrinkled his nose.
"Worst double date we've ever been on?" Chuck asked.
"It's up there. Although that girl Morgan took out with us that one time…"
"Rhoda?"
"She had a sweet singing voice."
Chuck shivered and decided to change the subject. "Think Ellie and Awesome are out there on the dance floor still?"
Sarah snorted. "Unless they got dragged into a room somewhere for a foursome."
"OH GOD. Sarah!"
"What? I'm just saying!"
"Come on! That's my sister you're—Oh God!"
She shrugged innocently as he gently moved her aside and opened the door. He scanned the dance floor and found them still swaying to the music. Sarah poked her head out next to him and hissed.
"Psst! Devon!"
They kept dancing.
"Awesome!" she hissed a little louder.
A few nearby couples turned to look at Chuck and Sarah curiously and Chuck blushed. "Yes…er…hot stuff. That was awesome! So awesome. Let's do it again." He pulled Sarah back into the room and shut the door, covering his face with his hands.
Sarah giggled. "Hot stuff? That was pretty cute."
"I don't see how this is funny even a little bit." He peeked through his fingers at her.
"You don't? Because it's kind of hilarious." She poked him in the ribs and he made a fussy noise, batting her hand away. "Come on, Chuck. You know you wanna laugh." She poked him again and he made a face. "It's funny…"
Chuck grinned then, shaking his head. "So it's a little funny. But mostly traumatizing."
Suddenly the door opened. Sarah jumped into Chuck's arms and grabbed his hand, forcing him to hold onto her thigh as she slung her leg around his waist.
Devon's highly confused face poked into the room. "What are you—Ooooh, heeey. Awesome." His grin was massive and suggestive.
"Oh thank God you heard me." Sarah climbed off of a blushing Chuck and grabbed the doctor's arm. She tugged him in, then reached out and pulled Ellie after him, slamming the door behind them. "Okay, so we're definitely at a New Year's Eve swingers party."
Ellie just blinked and Devon looked highly confused. "A what?" he murmured.
"Ohmigod. That makes so much sense," his wife said over him.
"Right?" Sarah posed to the other woman.
"Oh God." Ellie was laughing suddenly, her hand over her mouth. "Oh my God, this is hilarious."
Sarah laughed with her. "See? I told you it was funny," she directed at her boyfriend, earning a raised eyebrow.
Devon looked between the two women in the room, completely mystified, then looked at Chuck over their heads. "Bro, what the hell do they mean a swingers…Wait. Oh, no."
"Oh, yes," Ellie laughed, still giggling.
"Why the hell would he—What's—WE GOTTA GO!" His eyes were so wide and terrified that his wife only laughed harder. "This isn't funny, Ellie! I just took you to a New Year's Eve swingers party!"
She just snorted loudly. "That was really sweet of you, honey. But totally unnecessary."
Sarah laughed even harder and Chuck just shrugged helplessly at his brother-in-law. He couldn't help but find it a little amusing. But mostly he was just startled. And mortified.
"Let's get out of here," Devon said, grabbing the door handle.
"What about Gerard?" Ellie asked, finally sobering a little.
"We'll make our excuses on Monday. But there's no way in hell I'm staying here!"
He opened the door and grabbed Ellie's hand, guiding her out into the group of people again.
Sarah was still grinning widely at her boyfriend's blush as she wrapped her arm through his and they walked side by side after the Woodcombs.
A woman sidled up to Devon as he walked past. "Well, hello th—"
"No!" he snapped at her. "No, no, no! No, no. Not happening! Just no!" he snapped at another woman who eyed him admiringly.
Ellie turned and gave Sarah the most giant grin, her eyes wide and brimming in significance, and the women just barely kept in their mirth as their partners led them through the throngs of swingers.
As they finally moved past the bar, Philip made his way towards Sarah again.
"Leaving so soon, Mystery Woman?"
Chuck bristled next to her.
"I have a spastic colon!" she bellowed.
Philip backed away with his hands up.
Ellie burst into loud laughter at that and Devon Woodcomb looked as though he might explode from mortification as he shoved her ahead of him, past the hostess and out through the double doors.
Sarah and Ellie laughed the entire way to the SUV. They had to pile together into the back seat, they were still clinging and laughing, while Chuck and Devon got into the front.
Chuck was dragging his feet a little, still rather stunned by the entire situation.
"Chuck, come on! Let's go!" Devon snapped, turning the ignition. "Vamos! Rápido!"
The younger man looked back at Sarah and Ellie with comically wide eyes and scrambled into his seat, shutting the door just in time for Devon to peel out of the parking spot, racing through the garage towards the ramp that led to the exit.
Only when they were well on their way back to Echo Park did Devon lose his wide-eyed terror, but with the mirth still being expressed in the backseat, both Chuck and Captain Awesome found themselves sharing less than amused looks over the console.
Neither of them figured they would ever hear the end of this one.
Devon shook his head and muttered, "Swingers party. Not awesome."
A/N: God, this one-shot gives me so much joy. So glad I got this prompt all those moons ago. Let me know what y'all think about it and leave a review! Thanks!
-SC