There was a not so familiar sting in Douglas' eyes as he stared at the now empty doorway of his bedroom and then the floor while sitting on the now empty bed. The sting was accompanied by a sick feeling in his gut and he wasn't exactly certain why. He knew what had actually caused it but he wasn't completely sure why he was feeling it in the first place. He used to do this sort of thing all the time…
Used to.
Was it that bad?
Perhaps he was out of practice. That had to be it, right? That was why Fenris left. Douglas was out of practice and it was just lousy. He should have never let these skills fall to the wayside.
Except it wasn't. Not to him.
I'm sorry. It's not… It was fine.
Douglas had had a few rolls in the hay when he first got to Kirkwall, during that first year while he worked for Athenril; when he was a nobody, when he was lonely. When nightmares kept him awake and the drinks just didn't cut it.
Distractions did a better job. So it had to be him.
No. That is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed.
If that were the case, then why had the bed been empty? Why had he gone to sleep in someone familiar-yet-new's arms and woke up alone with an awkward distance between them trying to figure this out? Yet, Fenris looked like he spoke the truth.
Ease the tension. Bring that look back.
It can be a lot to take in, I know.
A joke. That was normal. That was safe. It should have been expected especially from Douglas. Not that Fenris had a sense of humor. Even a natural chuckle sounded forced because it was.
There wasn't a laugh this time; just a heavy sigh.
It's not that.
Douglas couldn't blame him. It was a terrible joke. That was normal too. Most of their jokes were terrible. Their lives were terrible; everything was terrible, what did everyone except out of them?
Out of him? Too many expectations.
I began to remember. My life before. Just flashes…
That was good, right? How would Douglas know? He spent his life trying to forget. Succeed at one and there is another memory to take its place, poking and prodding; digging and clawing.
So much to forget… To regret.
It's too much. This is too fast. I cannot… do this.
Douglas didn't understand. He tried to stall for time, drag his feet to figure this out. Ask a question; get more information. More anything…
They could figure this out. Together.
Your life before? What do you mean?
That was dumb. He knew the answer to that, just not completely. He knew Fenris couldn't remember, but he didn't know what he meant now.
What did that mean for them? A better question.
I have never remembered anything from before the ritual. But there were… faces. Words.
Had Fenris even been in the moment? Was that why it was so easy to pull away now? Is that why he could stand there why Douglas fumbled?
Memories could be good. And bad.
For just a moment, I could recall all of it. And then it slipped away.
It was not the only thing apparently. How could he have been so stupid? He knew it was a mistake. What the Void had he been saving himself for if this was it?
He should have let Fenris leave. They should have stopped.
"It isn't you, it's me?"
Douglas lashed out. He was mad. Mad at himself, mad at Fenris, mad at the bed and the wall and the call 'So you are just going to leave?'
The answer was yes. Regardless of timing.
I'm sorry. I feel like such a fool.
He felt like a fool? What did he think Douglas felt like? When he had decided he had had enough flings, enough one night stands for one life time.
He had wanted more. Had waited for it.
This should have never happened in the first place. Forgive me.
After years of waiting and patience, now he just had something else he would need to forget. After years of wanting more, with someone, with anyone.
No, another mistake. Not just anyone.