Sometimes you feel like you're drowning. Drowning in a sea of people, faceless, emotionless, blurs of life. Surrounded by people who dont know you, dont give a damn about you, people who think you're someone who you're not. Someone who loves herself so much that everyone else doesnt matter. You hate your reflection. You look in the mirror and dont recognize yourself. This perfect, blonde, cheerleader who's so talented and so pretty and so very selfish. She's not the person you are or the person who you want to be but she is the person who you have to be because if you're not Russell would be so very angry and when Russell gets angry its not fun. Russell hits hard and tears you apart with every syllable. His harsh words slicing you apart like a knife. You are ugly, you are worthless, fat, untalented, a waste of space. You're a spoiled slut who spread her legs at the first sign that someone would love you. And that's not exactly false because you so desperately want someone to love you. Someone to hold you tight and tell you that its going to be okay.
You've loved so many people but they've never loved you back. Sam, Finn, Puck. and it just hurts. it hurts all the time.
Your heart, your brain, your back. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to fake a smile, it hurts to make a bitchy comment about someone who you admire and love so much.
Your entire life just hurts all the time and you want it to stop.
And you think its ironic because for so long you've found comfort in things that hurt. It hurts when you dont eat for four days in an attempt to make yourself beautiful. The insides of you stomach scream in desperation for some sort of food and it feels like your being turned inside out but you relish in the pain because for once you're doing something right. For once you have control, you are perfect and thats something you've wanted to feel for so very long.
You find comfort in the pain of dragging a razor blade across the porcelain skin of stomach, the red line of blood gushing from the slit that you made. This is pain but it is your pain. and it feels good to finally have something that is yours because for so long you havent had that. Everything that is yours some how finds a way to disappear or get ruined. Your body, your boyfriend, your popularity buts most importantly you baby. Your one perfect thing; Beth. You miss her eyes, Puck's eyes, and her curly blonde locks but you only saw her for under two hours and even though you created her and she was yours she never really was yours. You are not her mother but she is your one perfect thing and even she is better off without you.
Maybe everyone would be better off without you.
You wonder if anyone would even come to your funeral and sometimes you like to imagine it. You mother, drunk off her ass, doesnt shed a tear as she asks the priest how much the ceremony will cost her because someone as useless as you doesnt deserve to be mourned in such an extravagant way. Your father doesnt even come and you think its better of that way because Frannie would've have thrown a fit. Frannie is your sister. Her flawless skin is tear-stained and mascara tracks run down her cheeks. She throws herself in front of your casket and sobs because she should've been a better sister. She should've been there for you. She should've gotten you out of that god damned house because maybe then you would've lived at least until your graduation.
And you dont think that the Glee club would be there.
You dont deserve for them to be there. You tortured and bullied them in an act to make yourself feel better and you hate yourself oh so much for it now.
When you die you wonder if anyone will remember you for anything good. You wonder if the New Directions will ever find out how you advocated for them to get a page in the yearbook Sophomore year, or if they will ever find out that you really actually enjoyed Glee club most of the time. You enjoyed singing and dancing and being around people who loved each other so much. You just wish someone noticed that you never really belonged.
You wish that someone noticed that you've never really been okay. Not ever have you felt good about yourself and you'd like to thank your father for that because the day he kicked you out was actually one of the better days of your life. He set your free from that prison of a house even if it only was for a little while. And for a while living with Mercedes and Puck and Finn you sort of felt love and you saw what it was like to have a family and you craved the so much. And you think that maybe that's why you fought so hard to get your baby back. You wanted a family you've wanted one for a long time.
And you think that maybe Kurt is right. You dont know what pain is like because you think that you have been numb from emotional pain for a long time.
And maybe Finn is right because you havent felt something in a very long time. on the inside you cant feel anything. All you know is that it hurts and youre not sure if it is your emotions that hurt, you think that maybe its just your whole life that hurts. and you think that the only way to escape that is to end it all.
You dont think that you really want to die you just want it all to stop hurting, you want feel pain. Because there is a big difference between hurting and pain and you just dont want to hurt anymore.
Pain you can pinpoint, when you hurt everything just hurts. and you hate that.
So you glare at yourself in the mirror you hate the girl in your reflection so fucking much. You want to punch her because she has caused so many people pain. You dont want to be her anymore.
and as you slice a line from the inside of you elbow to your wrist and you realize that for the first time in a while you are feeling. It feels like your left arm is on fire and there is red everywhere. Your white tile floor is covered in blood but you cant look away.
as you knees go weak and you start to feel lightheaded you discover that for once in your life you have done something right.
the world fades to black and you think its kind of dumb that the only thing you have done completely right your whole life is suicide.
author's note: not really sure where i want to go with this. It started off as kind of just a drabble and then became something more than that. It might just stay as a one show but it you want it to be more than that review and tell me.