Chapter 1: What if I am?
I WOULD SAY I WOKE UP IF I DID. BUT I DIDN'T BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP. Literally can't. After last night's glorious victory in a wrestling match with Emmett, there was nothing to do but sit down and try and convince myself it wasn't a dream because I can't dream. I just got up from my cozy spot on my beanbag and strode downstairs. My honey blonde hair was combed back and when I looked in the mirror, my eyes were hazel, just the way I liked them. Emmett and Edward were already up, Rosalie and Alice I'm sure were up, just getting ready. I don't know why they care so much- we already don't fit in at school. Not only because we're vampires, but because we are just too different.
It's hard for me, though. The scent of everyone is so overpowering. I sometimes don't think I'll make it. Thoughts, of course, cross my mind. How I could get a girl alone. How I could trick a boy to the back of the school. All I'd need is a second- I couldn't. I wouldn't. I won't.
"Hey, Jazz!" Alice called down from the stairs, her brown hair spiked out as usual. She ran down to me, and in less than a second she was at my side. I looked at her. No words. "I said 'Hey Jazz'!" she repeated. I broke out of my trance and kissed her cheek. "Good morning" I said. She smiled and punched me on the arm. She started dancing around the room. Emmett chuckled and then gave me a taunting look.
It was time for school soon enough. We all ran out to the car.
"Shotgun!" I tried to call out, but Emmett's voice overpowered mine. I was forced to sit in the middle as Rosalie and Alice fought over which seat would get the most sun, even though there wasn't much sun at all. Rosalie finally won and climbed in first, then me, then Alice. My thoughts were on human blood again.
"Chill out, Jasper." I heard Edward mumble from the front seat as he sped out of the driveway. The drive was, as usual, really fast. I heard Emmett and Edward talk about their next hunting plan. "So, Jazz, how was your night?"
"I got some overdue homework done. You know, the ones from a couple months ago in…" I forgot. "English"
"2 months ago?" Alice exclaimed.
"I may have persuaded the teacher a bit." I confessed. She just looked at me, smiling a wide smile. Their scents grew stronger as we neared the school. Oh, how sweet it smelled. I felt Edward's eyes stare at me, piercing. When I got out of the car I felt his cold hand pull me up against it. He gestured for everyone to go ahead. They obeyed with no sign of conflict.
"Don't try anything. You've been thinking about human blood…" The words made me shiver. "…way too long now." His voice was harsh and he didn't impede his grip that had me pinned to the black Volvo. He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Lovely, delicious, tempting, fresh, red blood."
"E-everyone has r-red b-blood."
"I suppose so. Royal red, too. I've seen it." Was he trying to make me go crazy?
"Edward you're making me… thirsty."
"That's okay. I know you won't do anything stupid. You know why?"
"Why?" I pushed myself to ask.
"Because I'm here and I won't let you do anything stupid. I'm your brother, your best friend; I'm watching over you. You can do it. You're stronger than this."
I nodded my head, not in agreement, in fear. He picked that up pretty quickly.
His eyes softened and he hugged me, it was awkward, but it must've counted for something because I gave a faint smile. "Now let's go before Alice comes poking around." He grinned.
When we got inside the school was packed. We were pushed into each other by others rushing to their classes. "I guess I'll see you at lunch, Edward?"
He nodded and then walked down the hall, majestically. Now I was left alone to rush to biology. I waited until the halls were empty, and then ran full speed to class. When I got in I sat in my usual spot in the middle. Why was every girl staring? Did I have something in my teeth? God I hope not.
"Good morning, everyone!" Mr._ said, cheerfully strolling into class.
I rolled my eyes as he wrote his name, the date, and today's lesson on the
blackboard. "Pft. As if I don't already know that one." I mumbled sarcastically.
The girls in front of me looked back, giggling. They smelled nice. I think I felt a
smile pursue my lips, I think they noticed, and I think they smiled back. Of
Course, I couldn't tell you if I wanted to. I couldn't care less about them so I
wasn't really paying attention.
Mr._ was shuffling through papers when he quickly grunted, looking frustrated. "Alright everyone. I seem to have forgotten your new textbooks so could… Jasper Cullen and Nina Becker come up here, please?" I walked up and stared at Mr._. Nina skipped up and then turned to her friend and gave an obvious wink. Her friend smiled and nodded, her glasses almost falling off her face. "It's just in the back cabinet- Nina you know where they are." He said, pushing us out the door. Nina tossed her pink streaked hair and fluttered her eyes. I looked down at her in confusion. I don't think she liked that; she frowned and picked up her pace. It wasn't hard to catch up to her, though. She jumped back in fear. "How did you get there so fast!" she exclaimed, laughing. My face kept straight as she pulled out the key Mr._ gave her. "So Jasper." She smiled. "I noticed you only sit with your family, why is that?"
"I- they- we" I couldn't think of anything. "I love them" Great. It sounded like a question.
"But you don't even talk to them! And you're always looking away, too!"
"Quite a lot of observations." I said. She blushed and then looked down.
"Who could resist staring at you?" she said. I looked at her, I should probably think it flattering, but I found it more stalkish than anything. "The Cullens, I mean."
"We really attract that much attention? Aren't we like you guys?"
"What do you mean 'you guys'?"
I ignored her question and continued walking. She finally caught up to me and raced past me, quickly unlocking the door to where the textbooks must be.
Uh-oh. We're alone, pretty dark room, enclosed area. Nina kneeled down and unlocked another small cabinet. "They're pretty heavy." She said. I leaned down next to her. Her scent was inimitable, her neck was fully exposed. I leaned in closer and almost touched her neck with my mouth.
"Let me carry them." My lips practically touched her neck, and I smelled her sweet scent. I thought of what Edward said. I'm better than this. I felt her heart leap and jerked my head away, mumbling some curse words. They would kill me if I did anything. She pushed the crate towards me. As soon as it was in reach I grabbed it, and then rushed out of the room. Nina ran to catch up with me. "I-I never knew how s-strong you were." She remarked, her tone bashful. I didn't bother to look at her when she went in front of me and walked backwards.
When we got back in Mr._ was waiting impatiently at his desk. "About time." He said. I decided to help pass the books around. I grabbed a few and held them in one arm. A couple of girls, I think I heard Mr._ call them Gabby and Rebecca, smiled widely when I came to their table. I handed Gabby the book, unintentionally touching her warm tan skin. I jumped back and almost hit the boy behind me. Gabby was rubbing her hand, did I hurt her?
"Your hand is cold, Jasper." She said. Rebecca reached out for her book and pulled me closer to her. "You are cold. Maybe sometime I can change that." She said. My eyes broadened, but I didn't answer her. She malevolently let go of me. I just continued on my way to Mr._ to get more books. As I passed them out to the rest of the class I could hear whispers. "Isabella Swan." I heard a chubby boy say to the girl next to him. "She's the new girl, right?" she asked. "Duh. I just said that." the boy said, heavy sarcasm included. I handed them their books and sat back to my seat.
Class was boring as ever, but finally it was time for lunch. I ran right to the cafeteria and sat in our usual spot. In a matter of no time Rosalie and Emmett were strutting to sit across from me. Then came in Edward, swaggering to our table, behind him Alice. She ran right next to me and I kissed her. Her pink lipstick left my lips tinted. I tried to wipe it off before Emmett noticed, but it was too late. He puckered his lips at me teasingly. The smiles lasted for a few seconds but swiftly changed to silence. And soon our silence was… silent. It was like a routine.
We all looked different directions. For a while Alice and Edward were looking at each other, but I was too busy looking at other people, in longing. A sandy-haired girl, Whitney, walked over to her friend. The wind blew her scent toward us. I couldn't help myself. My eyes widened as my thoughts spun around. I pictured myself walking up to her, smiling. She smiles back and blushes (as most girls would). I gesture for her to step closer, lean over her, and pretend to whisper something in her ear. Soon my lips are up against her neck, how sweet it feels- the hot flow of her pulse under my mouth. Edward kicked my chair, breaking my daydream. I look at him; embarrassment and sorrow filled me now. "Sorry." I muttered. He shrugged and Alice leaned in. "You weren't going to do anything." She assured me, "I could see that." Edward looked at her, fighting back something, it's possible they were lying. "It helps a little if you think of them as people," Alice suggested, speaking very fast. "Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sitter she adores. Her mother invited Esme to that garden party, do you remember?" Soon my eyes shifted to Edward. "I know who she is." I said. Then I looked out the windows, ashamed of my thoughts, feeling as though I've let them down somehow.
Edward was looking at something or someone. I followed his gaze and found myself staring at a pale girl. Her dark brown hair was draped to her side and her dark eyes reminded me of Edward's right now. I smiled and put my arm around Alice. Her head lay on my arm as I cradled her in me. "I love you" she whispered. I looked at the girl again. "Who is she?" I asked Edward, breaking his concentration. "Bella" he answered. "And they're talking about us. Her and Jessica." He added. I laughed, louder than I intended to, which attracted attention from most girls in earshot. "What are they saying?" Alice asked. Edward stared at her and then smiled. "Jessica is just telling her about us. She said we were beautiful. And Bella… she agreed." He gave a crooked smile and then looked at me and Alice, his eyes quickly filled with desire.
"I want her" he said. I looked at him in incredulity, and he returned the look.
"What kind of want?" Alice asked. Edward lowered his eyes to her.
"I want to-I want her- I thirst for her…" he stumbled. I cleared my throat and put my hand up to shush him. "Good thing you won't be doing anything stupid." I said. He looked at me for a second and then snickered and turned back to staring at her. It was the slowest lunch I've ever… not eaten?
I decided to skip school for the rest of the day, and persuaded Alice to come with me. We decided to go climb some trees.
"Race you." She grinned. I nodded. "One, two…" she took off. It took me a moment to pull myself together, leave the school, but I did. She stopped in the forest and then we reached the top of the tree together. "Everything alright?" she asked. "No." I replied. She looked at me, poignant. "Want to talk about it?" "Every day I… today I was- there was this girl- Nina Becker. I wanted so bad to… we were alone in an obscured room- I was so close. I leaned, and I smelled her," I couldn't help the soft tears that dripped down my face, "It's intricate." I looked down. Alice took her hands and stroked my cheek. Her gold eyes became mournful as she told me to hush, laying my head in her chest. "And," I croaked, "I don't think I could control it again." There was silence, only the sound of birds chirping. After a few minutes of pulling myself together I took a deep breath and sat up. "If I asked you something would you tell me the truth?" I asked. "Anything." She smiled. Here it goes.
"Earlier, when you said I wouldn't do anything… were you lying?
Her face turned hesitant and she took my hand. "My visions aren't always right."
"But you saw something, what was it?" I turned her face to look at me.
"I saw you. We had to," she dithered, "we had to drag you out of the school. You were too overpowered by her scent that you couldn't control yourself."
My face turned dark. I jerked my head away, climbing down to a couple branches above the grass. "But none of that happened!" she beamed, chasing after me. Surprisingly, I started to titter. I could feel tears drip down my face. "You're crying again." She said, wistfully. I grabbed her hands so she couldn't clean my face. I liked watching them fall to the ground; it reminded me of rain, dew… rebirth.
"I'll never be like the rest of you, so controlled. I'll always be a little bit wilder."
She shook her head and grabbed my hand. "No, no. You're still adjusting."
"What if I can't get adjusted? What if I am some wicked monster? A murderer."
"You're not." Her tone was harsh.
"But… what if I am?"