I don't know if this has been done before, but here it goes. Ask Happy
Noodle Boy is a show in which readers send in their questions, then have
them answered by everyone's favorite ranting insane stick figure. Well,
maybe not everyone's. There is still Shitney Spears. But that's besides the
point. Jhonen Vasquez owns Happy Noodle Boy in case you were wondering.
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,
I have a deep, dark secret that has been gnawing at my insides like rabid screeching weasels for the past two months. You see, I got married last night, but my husband's brother was sooooo hot and, well, you can guess what happened. It might have been my brother for all I know. We had all had a little too much to drink. Plus there was a gas leak. And my husband and I are cousins. But that's not the real problem. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and..it was positive. How do I tell my husband not only that I cheated, but that the kid might not be his? Sincerely, Cheater in Louisiana
A: Dear Cheater,
WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TO TELL ME I CAN'T WEAR STOCKINGS ON MY BRAINS?! IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE TEXTURE OF THE MOONBEAMS!! NOW I HAVE TO FEED ALL OF YOUR ZOO FISHIES TOO?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD GOING THROUGH?! DON'T READ THE TOXICALLY ADDICTIVE LEMONS FOR THEY WILL EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WHEN THE QUARTER MOON RISES AND THE VAMPIRE FROGS SNIFF YOUR SHOELACES!!!! I'LL FLY AWAY LIKE SO MANY STANKY CHICKEN BONES!!! WHEEEEEE!!!! By the road, that's what Ricky Lake and Maury and all those other talk shows out to eat my fingers are for.
Shitfully Yours, Happy Noodle Boy
Q: Dear Mister Happy Noodle Boy,
I live next to a very scary neighbor man who always has weird noises coming from his house. I think he moved away, but he keeps leaving roadkill and creepy drawings in my room and he gives me nightmares! The people in white coats say if I'm good that I get to go back home to see my mommy and daddy. Shmee says that they don't like me, but I know he's lying. But if I go home how do I get the scary neighbor man to stop scaring me?
-Todd Casil
A: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T FLY IN THIS COSTUME?! I STILL HATE YOU DESPITE YOUR TENDENCIES TO KILL BIRDS AND LEAVE THEM ON MY HEAD AS HALLOWEEN PRESENTS! THE SQUIRRELS ARE WATCHING YOU!!!! THEY LOOK ALL STUPID AND BEAVER LIKE WHEN THE SUN IS OUT! BUT WHEN YOU HAVE HANGNAILS THEY TURN RED AND DO THE CHICKEN DANCE TO BRITNEY SPEARS MUSIC!!!!! YOU MAY SKI DOWN THE SEWAGE FILLED RIVERS OF TEMPORARY DARN-NATION BUT YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE WRATH OF THE WHACK-A-MOLE'S MINIONS!!!
-NOT yours damnit, Happy Noodle Boy
Dear Happy Noodle Boy,
My ex-girlfriend is stalking me. She hides in the bushes outside my house and waits until dark. Then she just sits there crying as I do my homework. Once she even lit a bunch of candles that were supposed to spell out something, but set my lawn on fire instead. Whenever she sees me talking to my current girlfriend, she freaks and kills the five people closest to her at the time with her fingernails. It's really starting to creep me out and blood is a pain to get out of my shirts. Any advice for getting her to leave me alone? -Lucky
A: HOLY BICYCLE TIRES YOU NEED BOOZE!!!! THERE'S BLOOD IN MY SUGAR STREAM!!! NOOOOOO!!!! ANTIE EM!! ANTIE EM!!! IT'S ALL GOING PURPLE AND GREEN!! DOWN WITH BARNEY!! HE PROMOTES THE EXISTENCE OF SUNNY TREE TRUNKS AND STATIC CLINGING KEYBOARDS!!!! QUIT REARRANGING THE FEATURES ON THE JOINTS OF MY NECK HAIRS!!! Fine. *sniff* Be that roadkilled virtual ducky. I never feared your elbows anyway.
-Something, Happy Noodle Boy
E-mail your questions to Girz_Dark_Minions @ hotmail.com. (Leave out the spaces before and after the @. This site won't allow hyperlinks for some reason. )
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,
I have a deep, dark secret that has been gnawing at my insides like rabid screeching weasels for the past two months. You see, I got married last night, but my husband's brother was sooooo hot and, well, you can guess what happened. It might have been my brother for all I know. We had all had a little too much to drink. Plus there was a gas leak. And my husband and I are cousins. But that's not the real problem. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and..it was positive. How do I tell my husband not only that I cheated, but that the kid might not be his? Sincerely, Cheater in Louisiana
A: Dear Cheater,
WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TO TELL ME I CAN'T WEAR STOCKINGS ON MY BRAINS?! IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE TEXTURE OF THE MOONBEAMS!! NOW I HAVE TO FEED ALL OF YOUR ZOO FISHIES TOO?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD GOING THROUGH?! DON'T READ THE TOXICALLY ADDICTIVE LEMONS FOR THEY WILL EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WHEN THE QUARTER MOON RISES AND THE VAMPIRE FROGS SNIFF YOUR SHOELACES!!!! I'LL FLY AWAY LIKE SO MANY STANKY CHICKEN BONES!!! WHEEEEEE!!!! By the road, that's what Ricky Lake and Maury and all those other talk shows out to eat my fingers are for.
Shitfully Yours, Happy Noodle Boy
Q: Dear Mister Happy Noodle Boy,
I live next to a very scary neighbor man who always has weird noises coming from his house. I think he moved away, but he keeps leaving roadkill and creepy drawings in my room and he gives me nightmares! The people in white coats say if I'm good that I get to go back home to see my mommy and daddy. Shmee says that they don't like me, but I know he's lying. But if I go home how do I get the scary neighbor man to stop scaring me?
-Todd Casil
A: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T FLY IN THIS COSTUME?! I STILL HATE YOU DESPITE YOUR TENDENCIES TO KILL BIRDS AND LEAVE THEM ON MY HEAD AS HALLOWEEN PRESENTS! THE SQUIRRELS ARE WATCHING YOU!!!! THEY LOOK ALL STUPID AND BEAVER LIKE WHEN THE SUN IS OUT! BUT WHEN YOU HAVE HANGNAILS THEY TURN RED AND DO THE CHICKEN DANCE TO BRITNEY SPEARS MUSIC!!!!! YOU MAY SKI DOWN THE SEWAGE FILLED RIVERS OF TEMPORARY DARN-NATION BUT YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE WRATH OF THE WHACK-A-MOLE'S MINIONS!!!
-NOT yours damnit, Happy Noodle Boy
Dear Happy Noodle Boy,
My ex-girlfriend is stalking me. She hides in the bushes outside my house and waits until dark. Then she just sits there crying as I do my homework. Once she even lit a bunch of candles that were supposed to spell out something, but set my lawn on fire instead. Whenever she sees me talking to my current girlfriend, she freaks and kills the five people closest to her at the time with her fingernails. It's really starting to creep me out and blood is a pain to get out of my shirts. Any advice for getting her to leave me alone? -Lucky
A: HOLY BICYCLE TIRES YOU NEED BOOZE!!!! THERE'S BLOOD IN MY SUGAR STREAM!!! NOOOOOO!!!! ANTIE EM!! ANTIE EM!!! IT'S ALL GOING PURPLE AND GREEN!! DOWN WITH BARNEY!! HE PROMOTES THE EXISTENCE OF SUNNY TREE TRUNKS AND STATIC CLINGING KEYBOARDS!!!! QUIT REARRANGING THE FEATURES ON THE JOINTS OF MY NECK HAIRS!!! Fine. *sniff* Be that roadkilled virtual ducky. I never feared your elbows anyway.
-Something, Happy Noodle Boy
E-mail your questions to Girz_Dark_Minions @ hotmail.com. (Leave out the spaces before and after the @. This site won't allow hyperlinks for some reason. )