Missing Your Love
Lyrics from "Missing Your Love" by Jonny Lang
You lay me down, whisper in my ear /Well, it may be my name you call / But it's his name I hear
Jacob thought the day Edward left town would have been the happiest day of his relatively short life. Jacob thought. Jacob thought this until he saw Bella. No, that wasn't it—until he saw what was supposed to be Bella. All the essential parts of her seemed to have gone away with the bloodsucker, the life-sucker, and what was left behind was an android. Bella looked human, and spoke like a human, and did human things, but the light behind her eyes was gone, her laughter was gone. She was gone.
Jacob brought her back though, or he tried. The days they spent in the garage were necessary for both of them. Early on she was still strange, Android Bella, but once, about a month into their endeavor, he said something and heard the beginning of a laugh. Not a full blown laugh, but the beginning. Soon he saw a light flash back into her eyes. Then it started happening with greater frequency; then there was full blown laughter. Eventually, Bella began to come back and Jacob was there to welcome her. She didn't hold herself together anymore and occasionally let him do the holding.
Their romantic relationship was slow going. He let Bella set the pace of everything, wanting to make sure he was really what she wanted. He seemed to be. He was content with that.
Bella sat in the backseat of the car Jacob happened to be tinkering with that week. She liked watching him. He worked with purpose and ease. Sweat made his dark skin glisten. His muscles worked, as he did, bending and flexing. He was so beautiful and so different from…
"Jacob? Why don't you take a break? Come sit with me for a minute." Bella knew she was obvious and didn't much care. Being with Jacob was so comfortable and easy, it didn't matter that she was awkward and new to the whole dating thing. He was her Jacob and he didn't care. He came and sat, immediately putting his arm around her and drawing her close.
Bella drew in a breath of him—sweat, motor oil, wind, and earth. She looked up at him for a second and kissed him. Hard. She liked kissing, liked being able to be kissed. She couldn't do that with… She started taking up more space, trying to push Jacob to his back, a nearly impossible task given their comparative sizes and the size of their surroundings. Still, Jacob was excited and did the best he could to accommodate her wishes.
Bella crawled on him, groping for something, someone, she would not admit to. However, being Bella, she lost her balance and started to topple down between the two sets of seats. Jacob, though, ever mindful of the girl he was happy to deal with, saved her from this fate with a strong arm. She was content, after a fit of giggles, to lay on top of his chest with her hands under her chin. She closed her eyes and Jacob held her.
After a moment she whispered, "You're too good for me."
He didn't really believe she was talking about him, be he wanted to.
You promised me through thick and thin / You told me you loved me, you told me a lie /'cause you love him
"Today's the day, Jake. Let's do it."
"It it?" He knew what she meant, but he had to go there. It's not like he was opposed to the idea…
Blushing, she squealed and punched his arm, "NO! Jump. Let's jump off the rocks today. I'm ready."
"Are you sure? Your dad might kill me. You might kill yourself!" He said it like a joke, but he was completely serious.
"Jake, I'm sure. Today's the day. If we do it together, if you're there with me, I'll be fine." She grabbed his hand and squeezed it, bringing it up to her lips and brushing them lightly across the surface. "Let's go right now before I lose my nerve."
Jacob couldn't argue with her, so in her truck they went. He drove. He liked driving her truck, liked that she let him drive it.
They got to the cliffs and he drove as high up as he could. They walked the rest of the way and stood on the edge. It might have been the edge of the world. Bella was nervous and clung to Jacob. He enjoyed it. "So." She was not looking at him. "How does this work exactly?"
"You just… jump."
"Just jump, huh?" Bella was hesitating. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. In the quiet, she could hear the wind, her heart pounding, and Jacob's slow, steady breaths. Her mind was loud, however, a jumble of words waiting to make their way southward into her mouth, where they would take shape and then blow away on the wind; words that had lived there for a while but had never descended. "I might, sort of, love you." She looked up at him and squeezed his hand, but there was a look of almost shock when their eyes met, like she'd been expecting someone else. Jake knew who that someone else was.
He wanted to believe her words, but something in her eyes, fear maybe, or longing, betrayed her. She gathered herself, smiled and said: "We go on three. One…Two…Three!"
Their knees bent; their arms swung; they flew.
And I'm missin' your love every day /I'm missin' your love every way / Though you're here with me, / I'm still missin' your love
Jacob understood this was a relationship between three people: Bella, himself, and an unspoken third party whose memory still influenced them, more than either could admit. Everything they did, each time Jacob held Bella close, each time Bella laughed, the phantom was there—a cold reminder of what Bella had lost and was now trying to find elsewhere. Jacob knew it, and he lived with it. Just having Bella in his life was most important, for both their sakes.
It had been a year to the day that he left, and Jacob was attempting to make this day into a new memory. He knew what he was competing against, but he still had to try. He took Bella to the beach where they'd first met, where he had a picnic laid out for them, thanks to a few helping hands from the boys in the pack. It was the perfect amount of cheesy romance mixed with sincerity. Bella appreciated it.
They talked, as they finished eating, playing their old game of comparing ages.
"I planned a decent surprise for you—that should give me at least two years."
"I mustered up the courage to jump off that cliff, which gives me at least two years, and you didn't stop me, which, I think, negates at least one year for you."
"Maybe, maybe. But wasn't it great?" He pulled her closer and noticed she was shivering as the sun began to drop from the sky. He pulled off his sweatshirt and gave it to her; he certainly didn't need it. She swam in it, but loved that it smelled like him. "I'm chivalrous, too. That's another couple years, at least," he smirked.
"So that makes you… what? 27? And me… 25? You win again." She smiled and leaned up toward his face. Thinking they were about to kiss, Jacob closed his eyes but Bella instead whispered in his ear, "I know what today is and what you're trying to do. Thank you." Her voice shook slightly and she hid her face from him. "I've got one more," she said softly. "I've had my heart shattered…" She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt and sniffed, "That gives me at least three years, right?" She tried to smile at him but it did not reach her eyes. She settled next to him to watch the sky, fitting to his side as if she had always belonged there.
Jacob thought, My heart breaks every day… How many years do I get for that?
And when we talk, you look into my eyes /You're talkin to me but baby I can see / He's on your mind
There were certain things they could not discuss, and they all had to do with him. They did not go into the woods; they did not talk about school. They did not talk about the months that he had been around, or the first few months after he'd gone. These subjects, it was understood, were off limits.
Sometimes, though, Bella would get quiet and Jacob knew where she was. She was with him, somewhere far away, and Jacob could not go. It used to happen frequently in the garage; Jacob would be working away on the bikes, chattering about one thing or another, and he'd look over and see her with that look on her face. He started turning on the radio, hoping to give her something else to distract her from the phantom, but that didn't work either. Eventually he just accepted her silence as a part of the new Bella. The Bella that tried to love him. The Bella that broke his heart and healed it with one look.
She had that look on her face now, as they studied together. He knew it was best to let it pass, to wait for her to come back, but the look of pain was nearly unbearable. Today, he could not let it go.
"Bells? Hey, space cadet!" He got up and sat beside her, nudging her a bit.
"Huh?" She was back from wherever she'd been. "What? I'm fine."
"Bella. I know that look on your face, and I know where you were, and you weren't fine."
"Jake, please. Let's not…"
"What? Talk about it? We never talk about it, Bella. I always let it be. I let you just go there, and think about how much he hurt you, and feel how much he hurt you, and it's getting to me Bella." Jacob wasn't angry, just sad.
"You know how I feel…felt about him."
"And you know how I feel about him. He destroyed you and ran away, and I stayed here and had to watch you…" He closed his eyes, not wanting to remember the way she'd looked right after the parasite left. Her slip of the tongue didn't escape his attention either. He grabbed her hand and kissed her forehead. He noticed the wet remainder of a tear beneath her eye and kissed that too.
"I don't know… I can't…." She wasn't there anymore. Jacob held her as she cried, hoping this would be the last time but knowing it wouldn't.
When she was finished he said, "I just need to say one last thing and then I'll never mention it again. He's gone. I'm here. I want to help you be okay again and I'll never, ever, leave you. Remember that."
And I'm missin' your love every day /I'm missin' your love every way /Though you're here with me, I'm still missin' your love
Jacob - although he had the body of a man - was still a teenage boy. He had… longings. He had a girlfriend, or the closest thing he'd ever had to one anyway. He wanted things, perks you could say, from Bella. At the same time he knew that she couldn't give them, at least not to him. Jacob wanted physical things of course but he also wanted Bella to really be his, to love him the way, or even a little bit of the way, he loved her.
Their alone time was mostly innocent—studying, working on something in the garage, walking around, talking to Billy, or making a meal together. Occasionally, though, Bella would be overcome by Jacob's relentless devotion or her own hormones, and she would kiss him, letting him kiss her. She often forgot that Jacob wasn't afraid of breaking her, he was warm. He was not the one she was trying so hard to forget.
They kissed now; Jacob glad and proud he had never kissed another, never wanted to kiss another; lost as the moments stretched before him and Bella's lips were pressed to his and his hands were in her hair, on her body, everywhere and nowhere at all. He realized what the word "perfect" really meant.
Jacob leaned back, enticing Bella to crawl over him, to press her body against his, and she followed his lead. He settled deeper into the couch, letting Bella settle in too, and finally, slowly, he let his long fingers creep up under her shirt, relishing the feel of her comparatively cool skin under his digits. His fingers ran lightly up and down her spine, at times barely touching her skin. After what seemed like ages, but had probably been no time at all, he reached the clasp of her bra and began to undo it using both hands. As soon as he felt the clasp give way, Bella shot up, backing off of him and nearly off the couch, clutching at her chest and holding her bra in place.
"Bella, what? I'm sorry, I didn't… I thought…"
"Jake we need to slow down. I'm not ready. You're not…"
"I'm not what, Bella? I'm not him? I'm not some cold parasite who left you and broke you and isn't coming back to pick up the pieces? No, I'm not. But I bet you'd have let him touch you, and kiss you, and… be with you. But you won't let me. I get that I'm not him, Bells. I get it. I'm just me and you're just you, and why can't that be okay?" He didn't expect it all to come tumbling out like that, but out it was and he couldn't take it back. He wouldn't.
He looked at her, moving closer and reaching to touch her face. Why did a phantom still haunt them? "Why can't we just be Jacob and Bella?"
"I'm trying to be Bella again, Jake. I promise." With that, she gave him a quick peck, went to the bathroom to make herself presentable, and left, not quite ready to actually deal with what had happened between them. Not quite ready to deal with what it actually meant.
I reach out for you and you turn away/ It takes all I can do to make it through the day
Each day was another day that Edward did not come back and Bella was Jacob's. Each day was a day that Bella healed a little more, and hurt a little less. Each day was a day Jacob fell more in love with the girl who occupied nearly every waking thought he had, and several steamy sleeping ones. Each day was also a day when Bella wished, and sometimes only for a moment, that Jacob was someone else.
Their conversation on the couch had opened her eyes somewhat. She knew she wasn't being fair to Jacob, he'd never hurt her but was somehow paying the price for what another had wrought. He was so different from… the other.
He was tall, and dark, and warm. He made her laugh. They ate together, they talked, and they had a real relationship. Yet it was not good enough because Jacob was not who she dreamed about at night. Jacob did not cloud her brain and fill her every thought. With Jacob she could be herself—her awkward, clumsy, plain self. And somehow, this was not a comforting thought, but a terrifying one.
Yet she could not let him go. Jacob illuminated her life, breathed life into an existence that was barely existence at all. She thanked and loved him for that, certainly, but she knew it wasn't enough for him. He wanted a girlfriend, a companion, a partner. She needed someone to fill up the void in her chest. Each day he was away was a day she cared more and more for Jacob, but she was left to wonder: would there ever be enough days to feel for Jacob that way she felt before, for him?
She defined their relationship because she was broken and he was whole. But that was not as it should be. She wanted to give him something, anything, but she didn't know what, or how to give it. She didn't even call herself his girlfriend because her heart belonged to a pale boy who sparkled in the sun and turned her world on its axis. That was not Jacob's fault.
And now here they were, enjoying a rare sunny day in Forks, walking along the beach - their beach - and he was saying something she couldn't understand. He was saying he loved her.
"I'm in love with you, Bella Swan." It sounded so simple; it should have been simple. But for Bella, it wasn't. She knew it, sure, but he'd never said it. Not like that. That he was in love with her.
He continued: "I want to call you my girlfriend. I want to take you places, and show you off, and show everyone how proud I am that you're at my side. It's been over a year, Bells, and I don't think he's coming back." Pressing his lips to her forehead and then embracing her, he knew he'd broken a rule - never mention him.
No. It wasn't true. It hadn't been that long and he could come back. That's what Bella wanted to believe. Yet in her heart she knew Jacob spoke the truth. She pulled away from him and said, "I have to go." She was gone before he realized what had happened.
They did not speak for two long, ordinary weeks.
And I'm missin' your love every day /I'm missin' your love every way /Though you're here with me, /I'm still missin' your love
Two weeks alone was not easy for Bella, but Jacob would have gladly welcomed Chinese water torture instead. He was riddled with guilt and regret at having pushed Bella too far, at having asked too much, forgetting the rules in a moment of weakness. He knew, although she did not, how much they needed each other. Separate, they were useless: a huge, restless werewolf without purpose; a broken, clumsy girl without hope. A garbled mess of mythology and humanity.
He was good at repairing things and Bella was worth fixing. It was simply a matter of the right parts in the right places at the right times. He could spend his whole life trying to figure out the puzzle of the new Bella, if she would be content to let him. For all his strength, his weakness was her, and he took pride in it because his life without her was like her life without the parasite - a bleak imitation.
Just as he resolved to call her and end this silly game they were playing, he heard the shrill scream of the phone. Billy grabbed it after only one ring and Jacob yelled he'd take it in the garage - he already knew who was on the other end.
"Jake?" She paused then whispered, "I'm sorry."
"I forgive you, Bells. But I don't need to tell you that. Come over, come see me. Please."
"Jake, um, let's go out. Let's go have dinner somewhere. You know, boyfriend and girlfriend."
He heard the nervous apprehension in her voice, knew that just those few words had taken her two weeks to get out. It was something. They were not there, might never be as they could have been had things in the past been different, but it was something.
"I'll be over as soon as I can," he said. For the next few hours, at least, she was his.