Disclaimer: Zoids isn't mine. Or yours. It belongs to…uh…somebody.
Author's Notes: Whoopee! I'm back from vacation and ready to be obsessed with Zoids again! This WILL have strong language sometimes and deal with…uh…adult stuff, so you kiddies better stay out.
Zoids: Fun with Phones
Answering Machine Messages
Zoids Zero:
Bit: "…………………………um…..Jamie, is this thing on? Oh! It is?! Uh, yeah! I knew that! Well, uh…hi, Bit speaking. I'm not here right now…wait a minute! That's not right! I am here right now making this message. But when I'm not here then you can leave a message after the beep that supposed to come after I stop talking………………………um, I'm done now, Jamie………………….How do you turn it off?………..stop looking at me like that…………seriously, what do I have to do?……………..which button?……oh this-*beep*"
Leena: "Shhhh…I've gone into hiding, so try to speak softly when you leave your message. I don't want Harry to find me. If you're part of the Blitz Team, then press one and send me money and food so I can keep hiding from Harry longer. If you're Harry, then please hang up. If you're someone else, then please, please, pretty please send me some money! I'm just a poor defenseless girl hiding from my stalker! I beg you, please help me! So leave a message after the beep and I'll pick up your donation as soon as possible. *beep*"
Brad: "I just want to get this over with as fast as possible, so press one if you're Naomi. If you're someone else, fuck off. I don't want to talk to you. *beep*"
Jamie: "Hi, this is Jamie. I cannot come to the phone right now because I'm busy all day taking care off the rest of the Blitz Team. You know, doing their laundry, cleaning the base and hover cargo, cleaning the Zoids, cooking their meals, helping Bit program his phone, sweeping the floor, being their slave, planning battle strategies, changing their bed sheets, fixing the TV, being their slave, washing the dishes, being their slave, and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! BWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO SICK OF EVERYTHING! I NEED TO RELAX! BUT ALL THEY DO IS WHINE AND WHINE AND WHINE!!!! I NEED TO GET RID OF THEM!! I HAVE TO KILL THEM ALL! KILL THEM ALL!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA-*beep*"
Doc: "Hiya! Steve Toros here! I can't come to the phone right now because I'm "bonding" with my Zoid models, but I'll get back to you after I'm done. Oh yeah! If you're Layon, then press one and make sure that our battle includes 10 times the normal amount of prize money or it's off. If you're looking to collect money that I uh, might, owe you, then try calling back in a few years. If you're Bit, then you'd better pay up for the Liger's……oh, hey Jamie! How are ya' doing? Could you leave the room for a bit? I'm trying to record a message…why are you looking at me like that?……….and what's that axe for?……No! NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! NOOO!! AAAAHHHHHH-*beep*"
Harry: "Hi! You've reached Harry Champ, a man destined to be king! I'm not available at the moment, but I'll get back to you as soon as possible, especially if you're Leena! Anyway, If you're Bit Cloud, press one and I'll make sure to get my father to send a couple nuclear missiles your way, heh heh. If you're my sister, then buzz off and leave me alone, you freaky little bitch. If you're Leena, then press two and I swear by our eternal holy love I shall get back to you as soon as fate will allow. Leena, my love, we are destined to be together! Our love is like a field of beautiful flowers the never die! Nothing can ever get between us, and we will always-*beep*"
Jack: "Hey dude! What's up? Big daddy Jack here! Sorry, but I can't reach the phone right now man, but I'll be sure to get back to ya! Ya see, I'm on a mission to catch this crazy dude, Jamie. He used ta be nice and all, but one day he just went all psycho, ya know? Well, anyway, press one if you're one of the Tasker sisters, and Big Daddy Jack will be waiting for ya in your bed, heh. If you're one of those crazy fangirls and want to have a ride on my Lightning Saix or me, heh, press two to set up an appointment, but you might have to wait a few years cuz I'm pretty much booked right now. Yo, well, that's about it! This is Big Daddy Jack signing off. Catch you later. *beep*"
Mary: "Hi sweetie! This is Mary Champ! I can't come to the phone right now but eeeeeeerruughuh eeeeek bleeeeehk I neeeeeeed aaaa beeeeeer I neeeeed alcoooohooool eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrk hick hick hick I'm maaaalfuuuntioooniiing heeeelp meeeeeee bleeeerugughhhuh eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa-*beep*"
Naomi: "Press one if you're Brad and we'll bang each other later. Hang up if you're not Brad. *beep*"
Vega: "Hi, this is Vega! Right now I'm holding Sarah hostage until she agrees to stay the heck away from me, but I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Oh, and one more thing. I'd like someone to call Jack Sisco for me and tell him that I saw Jamie the Madman eating fries in his favorite McDonalds. Kay, see ya! *beep*"
Sarah: "HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEE!! SOMEBODY PLEEEAASE HELP MEEEEE!!! SAVE ME FROM VEGA!!! HE IS EVIILL!!! HELP ONLY LOOKS INNOCENT! I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST PLEASE HELP MEEEEE-*beep*"
Leon: "Hi, this is Leon Toros. I'm currently being stalked by thousands of fangirls right now, so if you are capable of being an excellent body guard then I could really use your help! If you're Vega, then press one and we'll discuss the terms about me borrowing the Berserk Fury so I can get rid off all those fangirls, heh. If you have something to tell me, then please leave your message after the beep. *beep*"
Layon: "Mmmmmmm…mmmmmm…I looooove instant noodles. Yummy yum yum! Hm? Oh, it's on. Press one if you're Toros. I WILL GET MY REVENGE! I WILL!!! HAHAHAHA!!!…..mmmm, noodles. Good noodles. *beep*"
Guardian Force:
Van: "Hey, Van here. Thanks for calling. I'm kind of busy right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as possible after I eat something because I'm REALLY hungry. If you're Fiona, press one to leave me a time to come by your place and I promise I'll use protection this time. I mean it, Fiona, I really will this time. If you're a member of the Guardian Force, press two and I'll fetch Zeke and rev up the Blade Liger for battle. I hope it's Raven this time, and not Riece. Damn she just plain creepy! If you're Raven, then press three. AND I DARE YOU TO COME OVER HERE AND FIGHT ME! I SWEAR I'LL BEAT YOU THIS TIME! I'LL BEAT YOOUUUU!!!! BWAHAHAHAAHAAA-…Er..uh, yeah. If you're…NO ZEKE! YOU KEEP AWAY FROM THAT! IT'S MINE! NO-NO-NO! NO! PLEASE! DON'T! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY PAPAYA!! HOW COULD YOU EAT IT, ZEKE!?! MY PAPAYA!! MY BEAUTIFUL PAPAYA! NOOOOOO-*beep*"
Fiona: "Hello. This is Fiona. Press one if you want to buy drugs from me. I have a large supply for you to choose from. Press two if you are Raven, Hiltz, or Riece and I'll tell you valuable information about Van for a price, since I need money for an abortion. Press three if you're Van, and we'll discuss what you're going to do now that you've got me pregnant…..eehhhh…. I need a cigarette….*beep*"
Irvine: "Hi, this is Irvine. I don't feel like talking to anybody so get lost…..HEY! What the fuck do you think you're doing, kid?!! Get out of here or else!!….Stop looking at me like that! It's creeping me out!!…Oh, fuck. He's got an axe! HE'S GOT AN AXE!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH-*beep*"
Moonbay: "Hey, Moonbay here. If you have a papaya, I'd like to buy it, please, so that Van will stop bothering me about Zeke eating his last one. If you'd like to leave a message, just wait for the beep, okay? Right now I've got to go save Irvine from the crazy kid with the axe, so bye! *beep*"
Raven: "This is Raven. I'm not available at the moment, and I doubt I'd get back to you even if you do leave a message. If you're Hiltz or Riece, don't bother me. I hate the both of you. If you're anybody but Van, hang up because I don't care about you. If you're Van, leave a message after the beep and I'll be sure to make your life a living hell. If you have a message for Shadow, then you may also leave it after the beep. If you try to sell me something, then I WILL kill you. *beep*"
Dr. D: "I only want to talk to you if you can sell me drugs, otherwise don't bother me. *beep*"
Thomas and Karl Shubaltz: "……………………………………………………………………..you say it………….no, you!……………….no way!..shhhhh…….it's on………….come on, do it!……………..I can't…………….I know you can……come on……..oh, all right………………………..FART!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAAA-*beep*"
Riece: "You have reached Riece's fortune-telling hotline! If you need your fortune told then you've come to the right place! I can show you all the horrible details of your miserable sorry life! I can predict all the suffering you are going to go through in your future! And I predict it'll only cost you ten bucks! So just leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I find where Specular hid my house keys. Have a terrible day! Bye! *beep*"
Hiltz: "Hi. This is Hiltz. You have just reached a number you are not supposed to know, but if you are the Dark Kaiser, Riece, or Raven, press one please. If you are a member of the Guardian Force, press two and I'll make sure to destroy you when I get back. If you are anyone else, then hang up now and I hope your day is filled with mind-shattering pain and endless misery. Good bye. *beep*"
Well that's it for the first chapter of Zoids: Fun with Phones. If you want to phone any of the characters and ask them questions or whatever, then leave them in a review.
Review please!