For Time who's been waiting for this one forever. Happy [early] christmas and I hope it meets expectations.
Business: bleach is Kubo's work. Song 'Circles' is Yusuke Kira's work [with alterations to one line to make it fit]. The Heirverse is my work; I just let packmates play with it :) and one day I will write my own song instead of hijacking everyone else's. And yes Time, I will one day make cards.
a/n: this was... surprisingly therapeutic to write. And got me through a rough patch.
warnings: Feelings. I'm connecting up Game and Lie so... bring tissues.
Notes: hellish voice mentions, mild references to mental issues. Feelings. Game references. Silenced emotional gunshots throughout.
Link to song/inspiration [please support this artist] : w ww . yo utu be watch?v=MLNIir9aoIE
Circles
Sousuke was just putting the final touches to his latest composition, adding the final notes to the score when he felt Gin's presence outside the door. He sighed and shook his head. Gin still had a lot to learn about masking his reiatsu. A lot.
"You may as well come in," he called out. "I know you're out there loitering."
Gin opened the door, sheepishly stepping inside, smiling nervously.
"Guess I still gotta learn to mask my presence properly," Gin admitted. Sousuke approved of this. At least Gin didn't pretend to be faultless. Hubris did not become his Gin, and he was glad Gin still had his humility. The shyness was still there, too. Which also pleased him.
"Yes, you do," he said. "But then nothing gets by me." he added generously.
"True." Gin nodded. "Ya aint a Taichou fer nothin'."
He watched Gin pause, a little uncertain on himself. "Whatcha workin' on?"
He fought an urge to wince. Gin was still so curious, and it was getting more and more difficult to keep him at arms length. And the hopefulness in Gin's question certainly wasn't helping.
"Cuz ya've been so secretive 'bout it," Gin grinned. "Somethin' fer me?"
"Something like that." Sousuke answered.
"Can I hear it?"
Sousuke looked at his lovely Gin, saw that beautiful, hopeful, shy smile, and all his resolve disintegrated. He'd meant to keep this one a secret, but... he did so love to see his darling smile. So he managed a small smile and made room for Gin to sit beside him on the piano bench. He patted the empty space beside him and waited for Gin to sit beside him. Watching him grin widely, overjoyed to hear more of his work. Sousuke had to smile at him.
"Are you ready?" he asked, quietly aligning his fingers with the appropriate ivory keys.
"Ready." Gin answered, shifting closer to him and leaning against his body. Warming him right through with his familiar heat. Thawing the ice inside him. Just one more reason why leaving would be hard. But he made himself focus on the song. It would distract him from thinking about it too much. At least, he hoped it would. That's what he told himself, anyway as he began playing it. Not even needing to really look at his handwritten score because the notes had already been burned into his mind. They tended to do that if the pieces were personal. Which of course, this one was.
The light and soft melody hiding the melancholy it carried. Thankfully Gin didn't seem to notice. Or if he did, he didn't let on.
The song started off quietly, understated and gentle. Almost like a lullaby. Though he supposed it could be a lullaby. He hadn't written the words of the song on the score sheet yet – thankfully – so he supposed Gin would hear it as a lullaby. But then Gin was a perceptive creature, so it was possible he'd see right through him. He could only hope Gin wouldn't catch on.
But he was getting distracted. So he pushed the worry away and refocused on playing. The unwritten words floating into his mind as his fingers waltzed, dreamlike, across the keys.
Sleeping peacefully
Is who I used to be.
Until I fell so deep
A never-ending tragedy
He'd originally intended the piece to tell a story. To do something a little different. But he quickly found that as he composed, Gin had quickly crept into his thoughts, and so the focus of the song drifted. And the story he ended up telling was his own.
Of course, it wasn't the first piece he'd written about his darling Gin – and certainly wouldn't be the last – but this one had come out of nowhere. And came out surprisingly raw. But Gin tended to do that to him. He'd crept into his life and cut through all of the carefully constructed walls around his heart. Cracking a facade, a mask, he'd once thought impenetrable. Wormed his way under his skin and taken up permanent residence there. Even in his dreams, there was no refuge. Gin haunted him there, too, like a devious fox spirit.
You haunt me in my dreams
But that's all I want to see
You're the oxygen I need
Yet I can't breathe
He wondered if Gin knew any of this. If Gin knew how necessary he was in his life. How vital for existence, like oxygen. A safety line for when he fell through the ice. He also wondered if Gin knew just how much he wanted to stay with him, impossible pipe dream though it was. Because he felt alive when Gin was around. Gin lit up all the dark places inside him, where the hellish voice liked to hide, and brightened up his bleakest nights. Turned his monochrome black and white world vibrant and colourful. Gin was someone he wanted to be with, to have, to hold forever. Though he knew he couldn't. Though that hadn't stopped him from desperately trying to find a reason he could keep Gin by his side. The thought consumed him even now as he played. But that was nothing in the face of the constant fear of the monster inside him hurting Gin.
Circles in circles I go around
Looking for a reason that can't be found
Circles in circles without a sound
My tears can't be heard when the fear surrounds my heart
Of course, he'd tried to fight it. Stand up to it. Ignore the voice. But it was hard not to listen to a thing that countered his every argument with logic and reason. That shot down his every protest and suggestion he made and wore him down to a point where he figured it would be easier to stop trying. Stop arguing. Stop fighting and cut his losses now. Just... stop trying. Even though it was tempting, soothing even, to pretend that this could be his life as his fingers pressed the keys.
What is happening to me?
Tell me what does all this mean?
So far away from reality
is such a lonely place to be
His chest ached as the light and soft notes floated through the air around them. His heart bleeding out from an invisible gunshot wound. Because this was hell. This must surely be what hell is like; experiencing utter joy and happiness and knowing it all had to end. Being unable to help doubting his beloved's affirmations of love. Unable to help but wonder if the words were even real, all because of the dark, hellish voice whispering inside his skull. Because of the lavender, because of his reputation preceding him, the chess games... well, basically everything at this point, tainting his newly technicolour world with blotches of grey.
But he supposed it didn't matter. Because nothing mattered. Not when he'd have to abandon this world in the end.
I know too well
'cause every second like this feels like hell,
Are these words that you gave me real
I cant tell. It doesn't matter, no nothing matters
I'll see you again in a dream so far away
He did still wonder if he'd dream of Gin though, in the wastelands of Huecco Mundo, so very far away. The thought comforted him a little as the sound of his soft music filled the room and curled about them. A mournful eulogy for the fact that he couldn't find a single reason to justify staying here, enjoying Gin's warmth and smile. As much as he wanted to.
Circles in circles I go around
Looking for a reason that can't be found
Circles in circles without a sound
My tears can't be heard when they hit the ground
Because Gin made him feel alive. That life was actually worth living. When Gin was around, he could feel again. Laugh again. Love. Live life the way he was meant to. Be the person he was supposed to be. When Gin's hand was in his, the warmth and light permeated his whole being, and gave him a feeling of great certainty that here was where he was meant to be. Here was where he belonged. Here was his home. And he didn't want to give that up.
So come take my hand and
Come make me feel what it's like
When love comes alive
But he had to. Because of the voice, and the threats it made on Gin's life. And he'd sworn to keep Gin safe. Even if it cost him his happiness. Because Gin was worth more than his own worthless life.
He dragged in a deep, painful breath, hands unsteady as he played. Almost faltering on the piano keys as his heart squeezed tightly, painfully, at the thought of leaving his lover – his other – his soulmate – behind. Even if it was for the best. Even if it was to keep him safe. Because if anything happened to Gin – if he did anything to hurt Gin – he'd never, ever forgive himself.
So he had to do whatever it took to distance himself from Gin. Distance Gin from the monster. The Demon that wore his skin and spoke with his voice. Even if it meant forcing a smile and lying through his teeth. Although he did wish that he wasn't hiding the truth from Gin. He dearly, dearly wished he wasn't hiding... but - and his breath faltered at this – he knew to stop would be condemning them both. He nearly tripped over some notes as he played on, but tried to keep his face unreadable. Thankfully Gin was far too fascinated following the notes on the score and watching his fingers. But Gin was pressed so close against him he could probably feel his uneven heartbeat anyway.
And one day I wish that
I won't be hiding the truth
Away from you
Oh trust me, I do
He hadn't always been so melancholic. Sometimes he'd even been happy. When Gin was around he was almost catatonic with joy and he'd feel on top of the world, like he could do anything. Everything. But then the voice would speak, reminding him of the grim reality, and his mood would crash. Crash hard. Those were the days it was difficult to even get out of bed, let alone find any joy or energy for doing things he enjoyed. Gin tried, bless him, to pull him out of those fogs. Offered all the love and support in the world. But sometimes not even Gin could pull him out of those fogs.
Although occasionally, he was himself. Somewhere in the middle of the highs and lows, he felt like himself. But at least Gin put up with his crazy. His brokenness.
In fact, when he met Gin, he had his world lit up. And then Gin breathed life into him, melting his heart with just a smile and a touch. Transforming his black and white world into a beautifully coloured universe. Breaking a cycle of tedium that had been going on for the best part of a century.
… if only this could last.
Repeating, repeating
I'm dying, I'm breathing
Repeating, repeating
I'm crying, I'm healing
But even so, he was glad he'd met Gin. Glad he'd felt love even if it was for such a short time. He tried to think of that while he played, just to keep from falling apart. Anything to distract himself.
Circles in circles I go around
Looking for a reason that can't be found
Circles in circles without a sound
my tears can't be heard when they hit the ground
So come take my hand and
Come make me feel what it's like
When love comes alive
And one day I wish that
I won't be hiding the truth
Away from you
Oh trust me, I do
He played the last soft notes of the song and let them hang in the air around them. Still enjoying Gin's warm body pressed against him. Not really wanting this to end. Not the song, not this moment... their life together. Not wanting cold, silent reality to invade the dream and shatter it. Trying desperately to keep himself together and not choke up or fall apart or do anything to disturb the fragile moment as he pressed the final keys and slowed to a stop. The final note sounding and then fading into the empty air. Letting the silence reign once again.
"Wow," Gin sighed, when he finally took his hands off the piano keys. "That was so beautiful. Real emotional."
Sousuke let out the breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and risked a glance at Gin, only to find his darling smiling sweetly. Everything he'd ever wanted but couldn't have, sitting right next to him. He couldn't help but wonder how on earth someone like that could love him. Though he knew the hellish voice inside his head could come up with a few reasons why it wasn't real.
"Yes, it is," Sousuke smiled softly, when he trusted his voice enough to remain steady when he spoke. He wrapped an arm around Gin too, holding his lover close. Making the most of every single beautiful second with the one he loved.
"Beautiful. Just like you."
He kissed Gin on the temple and was rewarded wth a blush and soft little laugh from his fox.
"Mm, now tha's jus' shameless flattery."
He didn't have to force himself to smile or laugh, because both came easy to him. Simply because Gin was beside him, where he belonged. However temporarily.
"It isn't 'flattery' if it's true." he said. "It's called 'stating facts'."
"Says you," Gin smiled.
"Says me." Sousuke answered. And Gin laughed softly again.
"Yes, Sir."
"Don't give me ideas," he chided gently, smirking. But Gin just snickered quietly. Tonight would be fun, at any rate.
When his soft laughter and Gin's snickering quieted down again, Gin sighed contentedly, leanng heavily against him. Sousuke welcomed his touch, and the warmth that came with it. And the silencing of the hellish voice that only Gin could provide.
I love you," Gin said softly, leaning his head on Sousuke's shoulder, hand finding his lover's. Simply enjoying being close to him, and sinking further into his warm embrace. Sousuke smiled tenderly at him, feeling Gin's arms snake around him and squeeze him tight. An embrace he reciprocated, while trying not to get choked up on too much happiness because too much of it just might kill him.
"I love you, too," he answered softly. Meaning every word. "So much."
He felt Gin sigh deeply, utterly content, and felt a pang in his heart.
It's just a shame it has to end.