With all the pirate attacks and ominous, looming black clouds hanging over his head. 2D Hasn't been sleeping very well at all. Murdoc doesn't seem to be handling things much better and appears to be slowly loosing his mind. So the singer takes it upon himself to solve both problems, by giving the bassist something else to think about for a while. How he'll take it is the question. But then Stuart won't know the answer to that, until he asks. So one night he makes his way upstairs to the older man's bedroom and asks him.
Cyborg Noodle is standing in the hallway outside the bassist's room, when she hears a huge explosion and suddenly a terrified blue haired man is screaming past her at full sprint. He slams up against the elevator door and repeatedly slaps the button. While the bassist frantically attempts to untangle himself from his bedclothes.
"When I get this off me, I'm gunna tear your head off and crap down your neck. You damn pillock!" he screeches. "Bed time stories! How fucking old are you?" he adds and finally the blankets come loose. By then though, the only one left standing there is Cyborg Noodle.
Two weeks later, Murdoc is drunkenly staggering down the hall. He suddenly finds himself in the elevator, staring at the panel and limply lifting his finger, he wavers back and forth while trying to see where the buttons are. Giving up, he lets himself drop forwards while holding out his finger. Deciding that whatever button it lands on, at least he'll be somewhere. When the door opens again, he finds himself down in the bowels of the island, staring at 2D's door.
"Why am I here again?" Murdoc mumbles to himself. "Oh wait, I know," he adds with a drunken jerky nod of his head and kicks to door open, startling the singer inside the room.
"Righty oh kiddies! Uncle Murdoc is here to tell you a tale. It's long and dark and has some wheels on it." Looking down at the bottle in his hand, Murdoc licks his lips. "Mm, rum. Err, what was I saying again?"
"I dunno?" the singer grunts, lifting his head and closing one eye while he thinks about it. "Something about wheels, I think?" he finally decides with a shrug. Murdoc stares at him through red rimmed eyes, wavering unsteadily back and forth on his chair.
"Right?" he drawls slowly, then shakes the fog from his head momentarily. "Anyway, I have a crappo story for you. This one's about a smart arse tailor, so sit down and shut up." Looking around at the bed that he's reclining in in confusion. Stuart shrugs, then lifts himself up off the mattress and drops himself back down again, shooting a huge grin back at the drunk bassist. "Very good. Here, have a walnut." The bassist hands him the nut then clears his throat.
"Thanks Muds."
"Don't mention it. So there was this snobby arsed Princess, who didn't want to get married, and every time some idiot came along to try his luck, she'd fob him off with some dumb arsed riddle." the bassist drawls in his usual gravely snarl, somewhere between angry and drunk.
"She sounds horrible," Stuart mumbles, wrinkling his nose.
"Err, yeah. Shut up Dee. Anyway if he got it wrong, which they often did, she'd have them driven out of town and maybe shot, drawn and quartered, hung from the rafters and then beaten with a stick," the bassist continues, taking a swig from the bottle in his hand.
"Oh my... She really is horrible!" the singer squeaks, widening his eyes at that. Becoming irritated the bassist tuts loudly and slits his eyes at the younger man.
"Seriously, shut up pillock. She sent invites out to see how many idiots there really were out there. One day these three tailors thought they'd give it a go. Two of them really thought they were the business, the other one though, well he was just a lazy sod."
"I'm not lazy," Stuart mumbles, bowing his head and rolling the edge of the blanket between two fingers.
"I'm not ready for you yet," Murdoc snaps and hits him with a cushion. "Shut up until your part of the story arrives or turns up or whatever it is that it does. So the two brothers told him to stay home because he was stupid. But he told them to rack off, because he was coming anyway. Eh, so they let him the morons. And they went to see the snobby Princess who looked at them and said, wow you're ugly." Stuart lifts his head and wrinkles his nose while he thinks about the story.
"No she didn't," he squeaks, fairly sure that the story that he knows doesn't go like that.
"Christ you're thick" Murdoc snarls, rolling his eyes in disdain. Not to be dissuade because he's certain that the story doesn't read like that. Stuart folds his arms over his chest and pushes the issue.
"She said she had two different kinds of hair and asked what colour they were."
"Yeah..." Murdoc drawls threateningly, determined to read the story his way. "...and wow, by the way you're ugly." He glares at him. "The first moron says black and white, so she shoots him."
"Muh..." Before the younger man can complete the word, Murdoc hits him with a pillow.
"It's my story and I say that she shoots him!" he roars at the cringing figure on the bed. 2D finally uncurls when nothing more happens. Then huffs out in frustration and stays quiet. "Good. The second moron says red and brown. So she shoots him as well. And has his head cut off and hangs it on the wall."
"Eww," Stuart groans in disgust, shaking his head uncomfortably at the image in his mind.
"Pillock." Murdoc grunts at him. "So the lazy sod walks up and says silver and gold. Which is right and the Princess has a little tear about it. Oh boo... boo hoo, whinge, whine, moan... ack. I'm bored now, so I'm changing the rules and you have to sleep with this bear. She says, just because she's a princess and a sod."
"Muds, there ain't no bestiality in-" Cringing instantly when Murdoc snaps his blazing eyes at him. Stuart squeaks when Murdoc thrusts the book that he's holding out at him. Looking to where the bassist's finger is pointing, the younger man reads the passage, then sits back. "Oh, it does say that." he gasps softly. "Cor, them Grimm guys were perverts."
"Heh, heh, tell me about it." The bassist laughs softly, knowing that the only reason why it says that now, is because he rewrote it. "So the idiot goes with the bear and kicks back, eats some nuts..." Still shocked at what the story appears to have said before, Stuart fails to listen properly and is shocked again.
"He ate the bears... thingies?" he gasps. Murdoc snaps his head up and stares hard at the younger man.
"And you whinged about the Grimm brothers being perverted!?" he mutters mostly to himself. "He gave the bear some pebbles, but the bear was thick and thought they were nuts. So when he couldn't crack them open, he asked the tailor to crack his nuts for him. So the tailor said okay and he gave him a good swift kick in the bollocks." 2D stares hard at the bassist for a second, then suddenly bursts out in a gale of laughter.
"Oh hell," Stuart finally manages to say when he's stopped laughing.
"I thought you'd like that bit. Actually he didn't kick him, but he should of. So the tailor takes out his fiddle and has a bit of a fiddle." Murdoc says.
"This story is really wrong Muds. The kids shouldn't be listening to it at all. I mean, what with all the violence and bestiality, and people being kicked in the bollocks. Now the guy's playing with himself in front of a bear." Stuart slowly shakes his head in disbelief and sighs deeply.
"Go to bed then if you're going to whinge about it!" Murdoc snarls. 2D Lifts his head and looks around his room. He's about to remind the guy that he's already in his room, but isn't sure how he'd take that. So he sits back hard against the head of his bed.
"I don't wanna," he grunts in annoyance.
"Shut up then!" the bassist snaps back. "So the bear dances while the tailor fiddles, then the bear decides that he wants to fiddle too. So the idiot shows him how to and the bear has a tear because his nails are too long. So the idiot grabs some scissors and cuts them off."
"His nuts?" Stuart snaps, having not heard because he was too busy looking out of his window for the whale.
"His nails you dolt," Murdoc spits in frustration, rubbing his temple.
"Oh, sorry." Seeing the building tension, Stuart sits back down and goes very quiet.
"I'm sick of this now," Murdoc growls. "So the next morning, the snobby arsed Princess sees that the tailor had survived the night. Because the bear was a big pussy and had dropped off to sleep. The other two idiot brothers were naffed themselves, because he hadn't died. So they told the bear that the guy said horrible things about him. That pissed off the bear and he went after the nut eating fiddle twit. But he went oh boo at him and the bear wet itself and took off. So the twit married the Princess. He took her home and molested her for a while. But a few years later, he dies from nut poisoning. Then the bear gave the Princess the clap, and the other two idiot tailors got done on some trumped up DUI charge. So they became prison wives and that's the end of the idiot tale. Happy?"
"No," Stuart squeaks, a little shocked at how quickly it ended.
"Tough. Now go to bed, yah pillock." Murdoc snaps, stabbing a finger back towards the door.
"But Muds, this is my room," Stuart says quietly, slowly sliding his way under the blankets and hiding the bottom half of his face. Murdoc blinks at him, slowly lowering his arm. "And I hate whales," the singer adds.
"Yeah, your room. I knew that I was being um, ironic or some shit," Murdoc growls as he stands up and walks to the door. "Idiot," he adds anyway and slams out of the room.