Flawed

by Lina Skye

Perfection, in Estel's mind, was often defined as the Elven race. Growing up amidst such faultless beings always taught Estel never to show weakness even though he would forever feel inadequate and flawed.

DISCLAIMER: don't own, don't sue. 

Summary: Perfection, in Estel's mind, was often defined as the Elven race.  Growing up amidst such faultless beings always taught Estel never to show weakness.........even though he would forever feel inadequate........and flawed. 

Flawed

Musings of a Mortal

Ch. 1

            Evening brought a calm to Imladris that usually settled over the land with the closing of each day.  But not all was at peace in the Elven sanctuary. 

Estel Elrondion, the foster son of the lord of Imladris, wandered restlessly through the valley.  A disquiet had settled over the young human's soul on the anniversary of the day on which he was born. 

            The young man, who had just turned sixteen that day, roamed with the aura of worn creature that had been caged for far too long in its life.  That was simply a reflection of his mood.  The teenager had always worn his emotion on his sleeve, and he was making no exception on that evening even in his solitude. 

            Living with Elves his whole life had burdened the young Edan with the knowledge of his weaknesses, which he struggled so hard to overcome.  Yet.............it seemed that his inadequacy would forever follow him, even to the day of his death. 

In his mind, he was destined to be weak from the day of his birth to the day he died.  And with each year that passed and he failed to meet up to his Elven peers' standards, the feelings of inferiority intensified. 

            Upon reaching the peak overlooking the highest waterfall in Rivendell, Estel flopped to the soft grass.  Looking contemplatively up at the sky, which was beginning to be filled with the gems of the night, he blew a heavy sigh.

'Sixteen years, Estel........' he thought to himself, 'sixteen years with a family that is perfect in every way.'

            A small smile came to his features as his musings strayed to that of his brothers.  Forever were the twin sons of Elrond getting their younger sibling in trouble. 

Pranks were the order of the day (or decade, in their case) in the last Homely House, and they were served many times before each day was brought to a close. 

*~*~*Memories.....*~*~*

            Twin sets of feet raced soundlessly into young Estel's room.  Breathing heavily, the elder sons of Elrond struggled to control their pounding hearts. 

Oh....they were in for it, now.  Surely, their Ada would be furious with them.  Perhaps they had gone too far, yet they did not care.....

            They had Estel to blame it on, anyway. 

"Brothers...........what is wrong?"the suspicious note in the young Edan's voice was unmistakable.  Something was going on, yet he couldn't place his finger on it. 

"Nothing at all, Estel.  Why do you ask?"Elladan heaved with a last attempt to control his expression, flopping down on a cushion beside Estel. 

"Well, I—"

"Well, you, nothing!  You do not trust us?"the look of mock hurt on Elrohir's face was enough to shut the young human up. 

            Besides, he would figure what the twins were up to eventually.  They always told him what was going on, even if it was a bit late. 

But apparently on that day, Estel was not going to have to wait on his brothers to tell him. 

"BOYS!!"  The aggravation in the yelling Elf's voice was unmistakable. 

            Elladan and Elrohir winced visibly at the tone in Glorfindel's voice.  "Goodbye, little brother! Good luck!"the garbled out, fleeing swiftly as they left Estel to the Balrog slayer's wrath. 

*~*~* Memories end....*~*~*

            Indeed, he loved his brothers.  And there was little doubt in his mind that his brothers returned that love.  In returning that love, they were bound to one another, not in blood, but in spirit..........and in being bound together with that brotherly bond of love, that so entitled them to abuse one another as all brothers do. 

Yet luckily for Estel, there was always someone to shield him from the harm of the world (and his brothers).  The Elven warrior Halen had befriended Estel at a young age and had watched the teenager grow from a small, unsure toddler to an equally unsure, but competent young man. 

            Closing his eyes, Estel drifted off into a sleep filled with contented memories....

*~*~*Memories...*~*~*

"Greetings, young one,"a gentle voice prodded. 

            A very young son of Arathorn peered out from behind his Ada's knees. 

"Son, this is Halen, one of the most faithful of my guard,"introduced the lord of Imladris. 

"You flatter me, my lord.  I merely do this for I love this land and would grieve to see its majesty wounded by enemy hands,"replied the slenderly muscled warrior modestly. 

            Elrond gave a short snort of derision, which was met by a small smirk which tugged at the corner of Halen's lips.  "Indeed,"Elrond muttered before turning back to his youngest, "Estel, won't you greet Halen?"

Wide silver eyes looked up to meet tranquil gray. 

"Hello."  A small utterance of trust slipped from the little boy's mouth as Halen extended a strong hand to him.  Accepting the offered hand, the four year old allowed himself to be scooped up into the guard's arms. 

"Well then, little one.........lets go have some fun,"stated Halen, a small smile on his features. 

            Nodding, the small child tightened his hold on the Elf's neck as he was carried away from his Ada by his new companion.....

*~*~*End memories....*~*~*

            Estel opened his eyes to see the stars winking down at him from the heavens.  Moonlight gleamed from the surface of the many waterfalls that flowed in the valley, adding to the angelic glow that surrounded the Elven sanctuary. 

Sure......love, he had.  Friendship, he had.........yet that did not help him in his trek for perfection. Feelings of fault dominated Estel's life as he got older. 

            For no matter how hard he fought, how well he hunted, or how much he pushed himself, he would always fall short of what the Elves could do.  And at times, his constant striving caused him hurt, both mental and physical. 

*~*~*Memories...*~*~*

"Estel.  Estel!  Stay with me, little brother,"a frantic voice called. 

            The insistent tone cut through the haziness of the fifteen year old's brain.  Fever induced fogginess clouded the human's mind and body, causing delirium to tug at his soul. 

"He burns, Elladan...."another voice, who Estel identified as Elrohir, murmured worriedly as a cool hand touched his forehead. 

"Estel, you fool.  You should have told us you were feeling ill,"yet another concerned voice reprimanded.  Estel would have laughed aloud at the sound of his best friend's voice. Still, though weak, he managed a raspy chuckle.

            Few could make Halen angry, and it seemed that Estel was the only one who truly could!  And it seemed that the young Edan had done it yet again........or at least that was what it sounded like. 

Worry sharpened Halen's tone as he spoke to the barely conscious human.  "Don't you dare laugh at me, Edan,"Halen grit out, tears of concern beginning to glisten in his eyes as he heard the laboriousness of Estel's breathing.  "For you shall regret it, later."

"Come, Halen.......fussing at Estel will do no good in the condition he is in.  It is doubtful your words can reach him,"Elrohir murmured.  "We must take him to Ada, then we may beat some sense into him." 

            Overwhelming worry was near paralyzing the twins, yet they forced themselves to their feet.  Cradling Estel against his chest, Elladan and the other two Elves raced towards Imladris. 

*~*~*End memories.....*~*~*

            Estel snapped himself out of the painful reminiscing.  Such things should not be remembered..........not on such a momentous day in his life.  For he was another year older.  That was always means for celebration when living with Elladan and Elrohir. 

Living another year was a miracle with the accident prone twins. 

            Suddenly, a voice cut through the stillness of the night.  "Estel?!  I know you are up there, my friend.  Just please humor me with an answer,"Halen's musical voice drifted up to the Edan's ears. 

            Chuckling softly, Estel called, "Sure.........please, join me, Halen.  I would delight in your company on this beautiful evening."

            Halen levered himself up onto the rock ledge on which Estel had made his perch.  Gray eyes sparkled with amusement at life in general as he surveyed the landscape of Imladris from this new vantage point. 

"Oh, Estel.  If you were more observant you would see that it is no longer evening!  'Tis nightfall!"Halen chided.  "What makes your hours seem so jumbled that you cannot tell night from day?"

"Memories and musings of a troubled mind. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing to concern you,"replied Estel, as if trying to make light of his mood. 

"I can read you like a book, mellonnin.  Do you not realize that?  Something truly bothers you....and I will eventually find out,"Halen prodded. 

            After a hesitant silence, Estel confessed, "With each growing year, I find that I am more gifted than before.  I am blessed with a loving family and loyal friends, but—"

"But?" Halen interjected incredulously.  "But what?  That s all that is required to live happily, am I wrong?"

"Do you want me to finish or not?"

"Oh, sorry.  Please continue."

"You are forgiven.  It is I who should be sorry,"Estel sighed. 

"For what?  You have done nothing recently.....or have you?  Were you the one who glued all of my undergarments to Lord Elrond's ceiling—nevermind,"Halen stopped in mid sentence, "I guess I'll be speaking to the twins on that matter..."

"For being.........Edan.  I cannot be the ideal friend to you, Halen, for I am flawed, weak, faulted, imperfect, inadequate, inferior—"

"Estel Elrondion!  If you wish to keep your tongue, I would still it immediately!"  A chilly edge crept into Halen's voice. 

            Estel clamped his mouth shut. 

"Now then, you listen to me,"ordered Halen, "I never asked for an unflawed, ultimately strong, perfect, superior, or even adequate friend!  I do not look for those qualities in those whose company I keep!  It is you who I treasure.  Not what you can do or what you cannot do."

"But I—"

"Estel,"the sharpness of Halen's tone softened as he began to laugh softly to himself.  "For one named Hope, you are truly hopelessly thick headed.  Come, my friend.  Let us go inside before you get ill."

            Estel stiffened at the intentional barb, retaliating swiftly by pushing the Elf off of the ledge over the waterfall below.  Giving a short cry, Halen fell completely off guard into the icy waters. 

Resurfacing a moment later, the Elf yelled, "ESTEL ELRONDION! I WOULD RUN IF I WERE YOU!"

            Giving a whoop of exhilaration and contentment, Estel fled down the hillside towards the Last Homely House, knowing that though he would be flawed ......he would never be alone.

***************

BTW................This fic was inspired by these lyrics (and the fact that my birthday was November 2nd, so I decided to write a b-day fic).  I don't know which band this is that owns them, but it's not me! I love this song! 

"Your words to me seem whispers

Your face is so unclear

I try to pay attention

In the words that disappear

Cause it's always raining in my head

Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles

Cause my words get in my way

I spoke the whole thing to my head

and feel it wash away

Cause I can't take anymore of this

I want to come apart

And dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart

Cause it's always raining in my head

Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than

A little boy inside

That cries out for attention

Yet I always try to hide

Cause I talk to you like children

Though I don't know how I feel

But I know I'll do the right thing

If the right thing isn't feel

Cause it's always raining in my head

Forget all the things I should have said"

Thanks a lot everyone!  I'd appreciate a little R&R if possible! :)