Me: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while but all my files for Skittles Make Love Happen have been deleted after my computer crashed. This is just an apology gift since all of you reviewers might have to wait a bit longer. Hope you enjoy this gruesome fairy tale! Tobi, do the disclaimer please!
Tobi: Hai! TobiIsSoBadAss does not own Naruto because if she did Sakura would be the hero who PWNS everyone in her way!
Once upon a time a girl named Sakura fell in love with a Pickle-Maker's apprentice.
Every day Sakura walked the same path to the Catholic High School, past the Pickle-Maker's plain storefront before turning left down a dumpster-crowded alley (everyone told her not to walk through dark alleys because of the ax murderer on the loose). She could see the school past the shadows of the alley; it condemned her with its stern cathedral face.
The moment she spotted the Pickle-Maker's apprentice in his pristine white apron, Petal instantly renounced all plans to become a bride for Christ.
Deidara (that was his name), sat next to Sakura every day on the park bench, eating his sack lunch with his right hand while holding Sakura's hand with his left. She loved to hear him tell stories about the customers in the pickle shop and stories about his strange bosses: portly old Pein the Pickle-Maker and his portlier son, whom everyone called Sasori. The rest of the day, Sakura's right hand smelled of sweet pickles and she covered her nose and mouth with her palm all afternoon in a fragrant daydream.
Then one morning, as Sakura meandered down the alley, she heard a strange squeaking voice in her mind, a desperate little voice pleading for help:
"Fucking help me bitch-please fucking help me," it said. "I'm an enchanted fucking frog and I'm being held captive by some bitchy ax murderers!"
Sakura asked how she could help.
Just as the voice requested, Sakura returned with a large bucket of water. The voice emanated from a barred basement window in the shadow of an overflowing dumpster. With a pizza box from the dumpster, Sakura brushed away the black widow spider webs and reached through the bars until her hand entered the water of a fish tank next to the window.
"Now I'll swim into your fucking hand now, bitch," the voice said.
Sakura felt a squishy creature, about the size of a baseball, swim into her hand. That must be the frog, she thought, but when she pulled her hand back through the bars, she discovered that she held a small human head with octopus tentacles and slicked back silver hair. Startled, she threw the little octopus head up into the air, but fortunately it landed right into the bucket as if it were a circus diver.
The little telepathic head, whose name was Hidan, apologized for claiming to be a frog, but he knew no one would ever consent to picking up a disembodied octopus head through a strange window.
Hidan shared his harrowing tale:
It turned out that Pein the Pickle-Maker and his son Sasori were servants of the Devil, and worse than that, they were the ax murderers who terrorized the city. For years, headless bodies were found on park benches, in elevators, on church pews, even in the Tunnel of Love at the carnival. Their ax murders were as internationally renowned as their spicy and sweet pickles.
The Devil himself gave Pein the enchanted ax in exchange for Pein's soul and the soul of his son Sasori, and the ax enabled Pein to pursue the avocation of chopping off heads for sport and pleasure. No matter how poor the aim, if Pein swung the ax, the target's head was off; it was a head-collecting ax, crafted by the Angel of Death. But even more miraculous, the ax never spilled a drop of blood. The ax instantly cauterized as it chopped, capturing the soul inside the brain like a pimento in an olive.
While Pein loved the chopping, Sasori developed a talent for pickling the heads with Satanic black magic. At first, it was quite difficult for the heads to breathe in their pickle jars, but soon they sprouted gills and a nice set of tentacles from the cauterized neck. When the heads were ready, Sasori put them in a massive fish tank, which he purchased extra cheap from a bankrupt lobster restaurant.
One day, to everyone's great surprise, one of the heads named Tsunade laid some eggs under the model pirate ship in the tank; her boyfriend Kakuzu fertilized the eggs (Pein took them together from Lover's Lane); soon little Hidan hatched, but only grew to the size of a baseball, and the telepathy was an unwanted side effect of the black magic.
Whenever Sasori worked on pickling the heads, he had to endure those squeaky little questions in his mind, which felt to Sasori just like when he drank a milkshake too fast.
Now shut up little Hidan, he threatened, or it's into the microwave with you! And then pop!
All the heads lived in terror of the microwave oven.
Pein and Sasori kept their fish tank and pickled heads in a secret chamber in the basement. They instructed Deidara to never go into the basement room, which Deidara never even considered; however, he did know which key on the large keyring opened the door.
Fortunately, the tank sat right underneath the barred alley window, which sometimes Sasori left propped open-black magic pickling smells of strong garlic.
All the while Hidan told Sakura this terrible tale, she carried the heavy bucket across the park to the town square where the police station was located, stopping momentarily at the great fountain in the center of the square.
Just as Sakura looked around for a policeman, a burly hand grabbed her slender arm. Without stopping to think, she dumped the bucket into the fountain, which was quite deep and blanketed with coins and algae. Then Sakura stood face to face with the pickle-reeking servant of the Devil.
Deidara ate his grilled-cheese sandwich and Fritos on the park bench, looking all around for his sweetheart who never showed up.
With the apprentice at lunch, Pein and Sasori used an entire role of duct tape on Sakura and dumped her on the floor of the secret chamber. Pein told her he would return with the Devil's ax.
Deidara, a very sensitive boy, despaired because he felt certain an intelligent girl like Sakura could never love a boy who smelled like pickles, a fault his father berated him for nightly. Besides, he heard a rumor about Sakura's calling to be a nun.
As Deidara strolled and despaired through the park, only fifteen minutes left of his lunch break, he found himself at the wishing fountain in the town square. This was his chance; he took out a penny, and he asked Jesus to relinquish his hold upon Sakura's destiny; he asked Jesus if a lowly Pickle-Maker's apprentice could wed beautiful Sakura instead. Then he tossed the penny. A second later, he saw a baseball-sized human head holding his penny in its mouth.
As Sakura lay on the floor, she peered up and saw the heads in the fish tank beckoning with their eyes-they recognized her as the girl who rescued Hidan. She managed to climb up a stepladder and jump into the tank. All the heads bit and pulled at the duct tape. Soon her hands were free.
Pein marched into the secret chamber with the ax, ready to do his business. When he saw Sakura in the tank, he dropped the ax and climbed the stepladder; he tried in vain to pull Sakura from the water. Just as he leaned too far forward, Sakura pulled him into the fish tank.
The heads converged upon Pein, biting at his jugular vein and his groin. The thrashing water was filled with blood.
Sakura climbed out of the fish tank; Pein now just floated.
Sakura picked up the Devil's ax from the floor as Sasori walked into the secret chamber. Sakura didn't even need to aim.
Sasori's head rolled under the fish tank, and Deidara rushed in with the police. His frantic kisses tasted like sweet pickles.
At the wedding, Hidan was the ring bearer (they placed his fishbowl on an ornate pedestal next to the groom), and Hidan held the golden band between his teeth.
When the priest baptized little Hidan, his entire fishbowl became holy water, so he never had to worry about servants of the Devil again. Little Hidan blessed the household of Sakura and Deidara forever after.
Me: If your not already disturbed by my way of thinking, please review! And I'm so sorry about doing this to poor Sasori and Pein! I even feel guilty about making Hidan a head with tentacles and gills! And I will update Skittles Make Love Happen as soon as I feel like it!
Whole Cast: Goodbye! See you all next time!