"Y'know, in the library I'm alone a lot. I have a lot of time to myself. So, I think a lot and I get to thinking about things like… death and stuff. And I think what would it be like if I died? What would everyone do, ya'know.
"Sometimes my mind starts to make up all sorts of stuff and sometimes I… hallucinate. Sometimes I get this feeling in my chest and I feel like I gotta get my heart out. Like actually take it out and look at it. And there's blood everywhere. And my heart, it's filled with all this black stuff. It's all oozing out of it and getting all over my hand and it looks all sick. And I try to clean it out, but it's just getting everywhere and it keeps coming out and I'm feeling all sick. And then I just drop it and I go. I leave the room and when I get out everything is back to normal. My chest is all fine and then there's no more mess. Now it's happening a lot. I get that feeling a lot. I never really talked about it with anyone.
"Sometimes I… I get a feeling. It's a feeling like, I wanna die. And it's real powerful like I just wanna leave. And it gets hard to breathe and I start to panic and. And it feels kinda good. I kinda like feeling that way. Not all the time, but sometimes. It feels like sometime big is happening to me and I like it. It's, happening a lot now, too."
Brainy trails off finishing his speech and Scaredy sits tense, his head full of all sorts of imagery. His cover pulled all the way up to his chin and staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, though it's too dark to see anything. Brainy keeps sitting on the chair next to the bed and thinks to himself about what he just said. They both wonder if Brainy should have come over at all. Then, Brainy finally gets up and get in the bed. He gets under the covers and is hesitant for a moment, then starts to ask, "Hey. Can… can we, ya'know."
Scaredy confused for a second catches on to what Brainy is alluding to and says, "Oh, uh, yeah, we can, yeah, it's fine." He shifts to his side and Brainy scouts forward fitting their bodies together. He slips his hand around Scaredy's side and drapes his hand across Scaredy's chest. He sort of nuzzles his nose into Scaredy's neck and Scaredy breathes out a content, comfortable sigh. It's been a long time since he's done this. The last time was with Hefty when he was having one of those identity episodes. Cuddling was definitely helping his calm down from that tense feeling.
He wondered Smurfette and Dirge where up to. They were probably still awake, so prone to doing all-nighters nowadays. Probably listening to that noise music, working on that book of theirs. They've been working on it for the last 4 months and won't let anyone know what it's about. Except for Brainy, probably. Those three spent all day together, especially after they all moved in with each other. There are rumors everywhere that they have a poly relationship going on and they're probably right. Smurfette and Dirge are so blatantly affectionate in public and they're always quietly sharing inside jokes with each other. Anyway, people are happy for them, if they're not jealous. Both Dirge and Smurfette are very sought after girls, being the only ones in the village, and they've been spending all their affection on each other and Brainy of all people. No one would of guessed it.
Then he started thinking of before Dirge came to the village. You wouldn't notice it if you weren't a people watcher like Scaredy, but Both Smurfette and Brainy where a lot more quiet than in the past. When Smurfette was alone she never smiles like she used to. She often had a far off look in her eye even around others. She still tried to put on a happy front for everyone, but as time went on she started faulting more and more. He didn't think most people noticed. Maybe Papa, but not everyone was so keen on picking up on other peoples' emotions, unless it was so blatant. Maybe she was starting to think like Brainy. Think about her place in the community. She was really just there to socialize and keep other people happy. It was kind of a shallow job. She tried to help when people did group projects, but people would often discourage her, telling her that she would get hurt or get her dress dirty. Often treated like she was so delicate. She was strong and caring, he knew that from all the times he had episodes and she spent the night with him, making sure he ate every meal, asking how he was doing at least once every day. She served and important purpose, but people didn't value her that much and that might have been getting to her.
Brainy never lived a happy life. Constantly bullied and shot down. Sure he was a bit of a stickler and a smart ass, but that was just how he was. But people hated him. Whenever he came into a room or came to a game of sock ball people would roll their eyes saying, "Oh, look who came to spoil the party." It was a group mentality thing. Hefty would often be one to start it, and then others would join in. Then people started doing it on their own, trying to be funny and impress others. Brainy was the go to punching bag and, in Hefty's place, literally. So many broken glasses and black eyes and busted lips.
He hated to admit it, but he found him rather attractive when he was really messed up. Despite his fear of blood he really admired bruises and cuts. Sometimes he considered telling him, sometimes to maybe cheer him up about the situation, but then he reconsidered, not wanting people to think he's more of a freak than they already think.
People often laughed when Hefty punched him interrupting one of his lectures, thinking he was putting him in his place, but when he got knocked out people were less jovial. When people laughing told Brainy to get up and brush it off, then him not moving, it disheveled people, made them uncomfortable. Slight guilt invading their minds for laughing at a serious injury. Especially when he got a concussion. Then there was just awkward silence when he walked into a room. People wanted to talk to him even less. Maybe for the better, he had massive migraines when he got concussions. He had a little peace for a while, but eventually things when back to normal with the bullying. Papa sometimes called people out when things got a little vicious, but never punished anybody, or tried for a long term solution. It was almost like he thought Brainy deserved it, which was a little unnerving. When he saw it, it made him feel less safe. Brainy was suffering and everyone thought it was hilarious.
Then Dirge came along. It was out of nowhere, a fully grown woman just moving in. It was a huge event. Everyone wanted to meet her. Builder immediately started a house for her. There was a big celebration. Being reunited with a long lost sister excited everyone. It might be overwhelming to most people, but she was very stoic woman. Often keeping a neutral expression and straight posture she would give monotonous and blunt answers to questions. At first she seemed boring, but that was because people didn't understand her subtle, and sometimes dark, humor. To most people she was a blank slate, but if you pay attention she is very expressive and empathetic. It wasn't long until people started pining after her like Smurfette. She would get Smurfettes and cards from secret admirers, and she would do her best to respect their affection, but never returned such love.
For a long time she wasn't very close to anybody. She would spend a lot of time with Papa learning the ways of our village, and rarely participated in games. She spent lots of time in Papa's hut and in the library, so the first person she really developed a friendship with was Brainy. She was very well learned from all of her time out in the world and shared a love of books and knowledge with him. Brainy was so excited when she reached out to him and talked about science and chemistry to him. He never really had anyone like that in his life. In fact he was noticeably brighter throughout the day. But the harassment still happened.
One day Dirge and him where out hanging around and watching the others playing sock ball when Hefty and some others approached them. They were really pushing him that day and Brainy, who usually kept to himself while this happened spoke out and told Hefty to fuck off. Hefty was over there in milliseconds, but Dirge was faster. In a moment Hefty was on the ground stomach down with Dirge's boot on his neck. And of course Papa came around at that moment and saw nothing but him on the ground. Papa's trust in her being a good member of the society was already depleted somewhat with her reluctance to participate and often spending whole days to herself, but this revoked her reputation even more.
After that Dirge decided to act a little more friendly with the other villagers. She sat with people during lunch, made her jokes more apparent and simple, but not too much, and tried sports. She was very good at sports actually and her team always seemed to win making her a desirable teammate. Her new friendly aura attracted the attention of a certain villager. The only other woman in the village, Smurfette. At first she was interested, but intimidated by Dirge. Now she had the courage to talk to her. And seeing Dirge talk to for the first time was a sight to see. When Dirge realized she was talking to her she immediately brightened up. She was excited and delighted that Smurfette finally branched out to her and completely ignored everyone else for the rest of the day. She treated her like a queen and they became fast friends. He wondered why Dirge didn't talk to Smurfette before, but he guessed it might have been because of a customary thing for where she was from. Or just another of her odd ways.
Brainy started stirring and shifted his position, but still asleep. It pull Scaredy from his thoughts a bit and he came back to the real world for a bit. He liked to go on long tangents in his head, especially at night, to distract him from his fears. He liked to deconstruct other people the best he could. Understanding people like that made him less nervous about talking to other people.
After that Dirge and Smurfette spent a lot of time together. They went almost everywhere together. It also made Dirge talk to other villagers more often, at least while Smurfette was there. She still had Brainy around, too. The three then became a small friend group that often traveled in their pack. It didn't happen immediately, but eventually it was apparent to everyone. They even started to sleep over at each other's houses, switching up every night. People do sleepovers around here, but not every night like those three do, at least not like tonight with Brainy. But Dirge and Smurfette were at Smurfette's doing god knows what. They're always working on projects, both not really assigned to a specific task. Though, Scaredy's not either. They both make drawings and painting, write stories, make music, and make new teas. When they make something they're proud of they love to showcase it. Either they mail it to everyone or have a performance. They often collaborate with Miner and Painter on projects dealing with their specialties. Sometimes they'll even do private shows. They'll invite only a few people and share what they have often at a campfire out of town. Private shows are sort of a big thing around here now. People like to show off their invitations around town.
Thinking about it they are all brighter and happier since Dirge came. Well, maybe not completely. They're all still depressed Scaredy can tell. But they're getting better.
They're helping each other now.
They must be in love. There's really no other option.
Brainy shifted again, seeming half awake. Scaredy decided to take a plunge. "Hey, Brainy. Are you awake?."
"Huh? Yeah," he said groggily.
"Do... do you love them?" He finally got out after a while.
Brainy hesitated a moment, either think about his answer or processing the question, Scaredy couldn't tell.
"Um, yeah. I think I am. We are."
"Oh," is all he could really think up to say. He was thankful that that went well. It could have been a train wreck if he was wrong.
Then his thought process trailed off, his story pretty much over. He still felt awake and he was starting to think about what might be lurking in his house. Dirge taught him a protective spell to keep out bad energies and daemons, but he was still worried, what if he did it wrong? He backed up further into Brainy and pulled the covers up a little more. He was having a little trouble staying on the twin sized bed with Brainy in it, too. He shifted around without anything to think about, his focus completely lost, and finally decided to get up and go to his safe place. Brainy moaned in discomfort when he left, but quickly curled back up and drifted again.
His safe place was his Closet. He didn't have many clothes, just some baggy sweaters. He had a lamp in his closet that lit up the entire little room. He had a little cassette player that Dirge gave him and a few cassettes to play. He put on Hatful of Horrow by The Smiths and skipped to his favorite track, This Charming Man. He listened to the flowing melody and curled up into the corner. He knew he wasn't getting any sleep tonight, like so many nights and he resigned to his fate. The clock next to his bed had said 3:47 AM and the sun would be up in a few hours. Scaredy liked the dawn. It was the most peaceful time of the day. Everything was covered in a pale blue and the world was quiet. That was the one time of day he truly felt safe being outside. He stepped outside. There was no one to bother him because everything had either not woken up yet or was going to sleep. Sitting down and smelling the dew was therapeutic for him. He imagined all of the negative energy leave him and then be filled with positive light. Of course it doesn't last forever. People start to wake up around 7 AM and the sun rises. He falls back into the routine of being fearful of every noise, the negativity filling him back up. Around 7:30 Brainy stumbled outside looking for him. He smiled and walked to him over sitting down next to him.
"You left last night."
"Yeah, sorry. I couldn't get to sleep."
"That's okay, really."
They sat in silence for a bit watching people get around to their work. Then Scaredy spoke up, "Sorry for asking that last night. It was really intrusive. I really shouldn't ha-"
"It's okay. I understand. I thought it's been really apparent lately. We just don't say it out loud a lot."
More silence. Brainy looks off and looks like he's thinking and gets up.
"Better go report to Papa and start the day. Thanks for letting me stay the night."
"Of course. Bye."
He walks off and Scaredy is left to go about his day. He stands up and sees Smurfette and Dirge walking towards Painter's house holding a big binder of papers. Looks like there's going to be an art gallery soon. They're laughing and smiling and Scaredy smiles. It makes him
feel a bit safer knowing that people like that can still be so happy.