Aftermath Chapter One

24hours. It had been 24 hours since she stood in Hank's office and suggested maybe she'd like to come back. She was surprised he'd agreed. She thought he'd finally had enough of her crap and would toss her out for good. But he didn't and for the second time in fifteen years she sat on the edge of the single bed in Hank's spare room, her room, hands shaking in her lap. Trying to get a grip. This was the worse part. Once the alcohol and pills stopped numbing the pain and erasing the memories, the flood came. She had to hold it at bay. She couldn't let it overtake her. She'd never survive thirty years of nightmares consuming her all at once. Nadia's murder, oh god don't say her name, you'll only think of what you let happen to her, what happened sixteen years ago too. Nadia's murder had blown the lid off the box and there was no way to stuff it all back in. Jay was right, she had to face it. But how ? It was bigger than anything she's ever seen. What had the damn doctor Hank made her see this morning call it? An elephant? More like the biggest fucking dinosaur that ever walked the earth.

Ok.

Just breathe.

And for god sakes don't cry!

How had she survived this part before? The answer brought another wave of pain. Camille. What she would give for ten minutes with that woman right now. But it wasn't happening and dwelling on that would only sink her back in the hole she was desperately trying to climb out of.

Just breathe.

In.

Out.

It's simple.

You can do that.

She caught her reflection in the glass and laughed a bitter sarcastic laugh. God she was a mess. She hadn't eaten or slept properly in weeks. It was a fucking miracle she was able to fight that bastards off who tried to kill her and Jay.

Jay.

Another wave of pain. This one laced with so much guilt. Thank God he was alive. She knew without a doubt that there was no drug, no amount of alcohol that would numb the kind of pain that loosing Jay would bring. She wanted to see him, wanted to know he was ok. It couldn't have been easy what he went through. She'd seen the video. Ranger or not there's no way he wasn't suffering. She'd called the emergency room desk to check in on him. Maggie said he was resting comfortably and would likely go home tomorrow. She offered to patch her through to Jay's room.

But she couldn't.

She just couldn't bare to hear his voice. Not after what she'd said to him. Not after what she'd done. She didn't know what Monday was going to be like. Hank had given her the rest of the week to get her shit together and then she'd have to face him. Face Jay. She let out a long sigh. Would he brush her off? Would he refuse to work with her?

She deserved that.

And more.

She tried to comfort herself with the thought that at least he was alive. She'd seen the look in his eyes in the back of the ambulance. The question. The hurt. But she couldn't give him what he wanted. How could she after the mess she'd made?

Fuck this! She jumped off the bed and started pacing the room. Fuck this! Fuck all this! The rage was blinding red. Her skin crawling, hands shaking, a cold sweat forming. She wanted to scream at herself to shut it the fuck off. A single tear slid hot and defiant down her cheek. NO! You will NOT cry. "Crying is for skankass whores like your mother," she heard her father's voice boom in her head. She angerly swiped the tear away and took yet another deep breath.

24 hours.

She's made it 24 hours. She could do this.

Couldn't she?

A knock on the bedroom door startled her out of her self doubt. Probably Hank checking up on her again. She glanced at her reflection again. Suck it up buttercup or Hank's gonna see right through you and go back on his agreement, she thought bitterly to herself.

She took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hey, what's u…" Erin stopped, mouth hung open mid sentence. She blinked. Hard. Again. Yup, it was really him. She scanned his face, angry bruises and lacerations marked his beautiful features. She scanned his body, but his blue t-shirt and track pants covered any evidence that he's spent days being beaten and tortured.

"Hey" he said.

"Jay! I… I… Whaa. ..wha" Erin stammered, unable to form words.

He raised an eyebrow at her, gave a half smile. "Thought I'd come see how you were doing" he shrugged.

"Me? How I'm doing? But… But you're supposed to be resting. You're the one who… Who…" She couldn't finish.

"I'm fine," he said strolling into her room and awkwardly bending to sit on the edge of her bed. He hid his pain well. But she knew him better. Two year they'd spent every day learning to read each other, keep each other safe. She could see the pain he was hiding.

The room felt tiny with him in it. Claustrophobic even. She hadn't been expecting this. She thought she had more time before she had to face him.

Anger engulfed her again. "How can you be fine?" She demanded angrily. He just stared at her, no emotion on his face. "Don't do that," She barked.

"Do what?" He asked flatly.

"Pretend that nothing happened. Act like your some kind of machine that everything just rolls off. I saw what they did, I saw you. I got your ass out of there remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. Then you ran. You've been doing a lot of that lately actually. But I heard that maybe you were ready to stop running. Thought I'd come see for myself if it was true." She could see the hurt, anger even, in his eyes but his voice was steady, withdrawn. She's done that. She'd pushed him away so hard he had closed himself off to her. Another wave of pain hit. How was she going to do this?

She dropped her head. Stared at the floor.

Jay gave a defeated sigh. "Erin," he practically whispered. She couldn't look up. Couldn't let him see. "I didn't come here to argue with you. I… I just needed to see you. I just needed to see for myself that it was true. That you're back. That my partners back," he said quietly.

She shook her head, still examining the floor. "You deserve better that this. Than me," she whispered.

"Erin."

She couldn't look at him. Her feelings started to overwhelm her and she couldn't let him see. She needed more time before she could face him. He wasn't supposed to be here.

"Erin. Look at me," he asked quietly. He got up, gingerly. Jay walked over to where she was leaning on the dresser and slid a finger under her chin, gently raising her head until she was looking up into his eyes.

"Don't you think you've done enough pushing away? Don't you think maybe it's time you started letting people, letting your family, help you?" He asked gently.

"I'm trying," she said, trying not to let her voice show just how much she was struggling.

He studied her face for a few minutes. Damn him for being able to read her so well. He nodded. "That's enough for me." His pocket started vibrating. He dropped his hand and gave a sheepish smile. "That must be Will. He insisted on driving me home from the hospital if I was gonna check out early. He's outside-"

"You checked yourself out early!" Erin saw red again. "Are you stupid?"

Jay lifted his eyebrow at her, as if to ask her the same question. She sighed. He was right. After the way she'd behaved the last three weeks what right did she have to pass judgement on anyone? She dropped her gaze back to the floor. The silence was awkward. Erin strained to remember when their silence had ever been awkward.

"I need to go. He's waiting in the car."

"Yeah, sure," she half shrugged.

"Ok. Then I... I'll see you Monday then?"

"Ya. Monday," She replied without conviction.

They stood in silence for a moment more then Jay moved tenderly out of the room. She watched his feet shuffle across the floor. She heard him slowly make his way down the stairs and out the door.

Monday. How the hell was she gonna make it to Monday?