Coming home, a csi fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or any of the characters :(

A/N: My first fanfic(I've read like a million of fanfics and made fan video's and everything but I was always too insecure to post anything here)! It's very different from my usual style but I came up with this at 4AM and I had to write it down. I apologise in advance for any grammer mistakes, English is not my native language. If it's too bad, please let me know lol. I haven't found anyone who could beta read my story so hopefully it's readable. Please let me know what you think and keep the GSR faith :)

The first time she left, she left him a letter and a kiss

She had kissed him in the lab. In the hallway. In front of Hodges. In front of the lab had never done anything like that before. They had kept their relationship a secret and any public display of affection would be a no go. Especially not in the lab. Of course, there was the occasional touch or look. She would brush against him, making his breath caught in his throat. Or he would stroke her arm or back sending shivers down her spine. He would wipe away her tear or she would put a hand on his arm. Sometimes they looked loving at each other, sometimes their eyes said they wanted to take each other right there. But ever since their relationship had become public they had refrained from doing that all together. They knew they were being watched. Everyone in the lab knew about them. They were looking for signs, they wanted to see…something. It would fuel the gossip even more. So they had agreed that, if they were working together, they wouldn't give them anything. No lingering looks, no secretive smiles and most definitely no touches. The fact that she kissed him, right there in the lab, was highly unusual and out of character for the both of them. He stood there, baffled. He had no idea what to make of what had just happened. There was something in her eyes but he didn't know what it was. He couldn't place it. So he just stood there, completely confused. A while later, after he went looking for her, Judy handed him a letter. He went to his office and a minute later, when he finished reading her letter, he could feel his heart break. He read it over and over again. Goodbye. She was gone. She had left. She had left Vegas and she had left him. And he knew his heart was broken. He remembered a conversation he had had with her two years earlier. She had been upset because she thought she was suffocating him after he had made a not so subtle remark at a crime scene. He always struggled to open up to her. He had trouble expressing himself and his feelings to her. That night was one of the rare occasions where he was able to shed some light on what he was feeling. She wasn't suffocating him, their love was. He had denied her for so long. He had been so afraid to be with her. Nothing scared him more then the thought of her leaving him. Because he was too old. Or too boring. Or couldn't keep up with her. Or maybe she would find a young, handsome man who would be what she needed. It had taken a lunatic in a mental hospital and something sharp pressing into the delicate skin of her neck to put those fears aside. But now he had her. He knew what it was like to wake up next to her. He knew what it was like to kiss her lips and nuzzle her neck. He knew the glorious feeling of being inside her, being with her and loving her. And all of his fears came back, crushing him. Suffocating him. Because now that he knew what it was like to be with her, how could he ever survive not being with her? He had explained all of that to her. She had told him she needed him. No one else. That she would never leave. But now she was gone. She had left. He would come home to an empty house and he would wake up in an empty bed. They talked on the phone. They reassured each other. She promised she would be back, that she had not left him but Vegas. He told her he would wait for her, until she was ready. After a while she even agreed to see him. Not in Vegas of course, but in San Francisco or somewhere in between. Sometimes all she wanted to do was hold him and be close to him. Sometimes she wanted to make love over and over again. Sometimes she talked and sometimes she listened. They cried and laughed and shared and despite the lonely nights in Vegas his heart didn't feel empty.

She would come home eventually

The second time she left, she left him nothing

She had come back to Vegas. Not for him, but for Warrick. Their dear friend, who was murdered. Maybe she was there for him as well. She hugged him and held his hand and for the briefest moment she was able to make him feel alive. But she wasn't there to stay. She asked if he would come with her. If he would consider going away with her for a little while. Just the two of them, on an adventure. He refused. How could he leave? Sara and Warrick were both gone. He couldn't leave as well. Not even for a few weeks. He didn't know if the lab was the only reason he couldn't go with her but he pretended it was. He asked her to stay, knowing her answer would be no. After he had said something that gave her the idea that she had to set him free, she left. He came home and knew she was gone. There hadn't been a kiss or a letter. She had just left, leaving not only his home and bed empty, but this time his heart as well. He knew it was different this time. She hadn't just left Vegas. She had left him. Because he had somehow giving her the idea that their relationship wasn't moving forward and that she had to break it off, because he was too much of a coward to do it. He wasn't sure if what he had said was untrue. A few weeks later he received her video message. If his heart hadn't already been broken, it probably would have after watching it. She let him go. She set him free. Told him she was happy. Was she? He didn't know. But he knew he wasn't. It took him a while to figure out what to do. He thought about them a lot. Like she had done. What was so different this time? Did he want to be apart from her? No, he didn't. So why were they? Between her first goodbye and her return to Vegas he never felt as if their relationship had been withering. Anything but. So why did he tell her that? Because he realised, they weren't moving forward in their relationship? If that was the case, the only resolution to their current situation was to move forward. That meant he had to make a decision. The decisions to go with her. Leaving the lab, he wasn't sure if he could do it. Not because he didn't want to be with her, but because a life without the lab seemed impossible. He came home one night, to an empty house and an empty bed and realised a life without the lab wasn't impossible. But a life without her…He wasn't naive. Or overly romantic. Life would continue without her. And it wasn't necessary for his survival. But when he felt his empty heart he knew it was necessary for his happiness. He did something very unlike…him. It wasn't impulsive perse. No, he had thought about it over and over again. But it was just something no one, himself included, expected him to do. But he did it anyway, because he wanted to be with her more than anything. He hopped on a plane to Costa Rica and made a trek through the jungle with a newfound energy. Love was he fuel, but that sounded too cheesy. Just like that stupid smile on his face, that he just couldn't seem to wipe off. He was happy and he hadn't even found her yet. Everything around him was fascinating. He knew he could feel at home here. And suddenly there she was, with her back to him. And his breath got caught in his throat by the mere sight of her. It was funny. He was always overthinking. Just like she was always overtalking. Every part of his life, every decision he made, he thought about it for hours, days, weeks or months. Or, when it came to their relationship, even years. Same with this decision. His mind hadn't stopped thinking about it. But not once had he considered the possibility that she might not want him there. How could he be so stupid. He sighed, because he was there and she was there and he didn't know if that was what she wanted. But at least she was there and he had missed her so much. She probably heard him release his breath and turned around to see who or what was behind her. And their eyes locked. The look on her face was of utter shock. Like she really couldn't believe what she was seeing. And then she smiled and that was all he needed to know. They kissed and touched and hugged and kissed again.

She showed him paradise

The third time she left, she left him promises

Not in so many words, but the gold band on her finger held many promises and said more then words could ever say. And she didn't just leave. No, they talked about it and both agreed that she would return to Las Vegas and the lab. For a short while. They had weeks to prepare for when she would leave and they made the most of it. They were happy. Everything in both of their lives seemed…well…perfect. They had spend the previous months side by side, never being apart for more then a couple of hours. It had been blissful. Like a big honeymoon. Costa Rica, Argentina, The Galapagos Islands, Rome and now Paris. She had healed and she had buried the ghosts of the past. But she had left Vegas twice, unceremoniously. And she loved her friends. She felt like that was the last chapter she had to finish before their lives together could fully begin. Or continue. And he had understand that, partially. If that was what she needed to do, he wouldn't stand in her way. For a little while, they would do the long distance thing. And that worked pretty well. At first. She left for Vegas and within two weeks she was back in their cozy Parisian appartement. They had been doing pretty much everything side by side for months so when she returned after two weeks…the week they had had been filled with love and passion. That went on for a pretty long while. Every time they saw each other again it felt like a honeymoon. She wasn't always able to come to Paris every two weeks but they made sure they saw each other at least once a month. And when they were together everything was perfect. He even came to Vegas every now and then. The lab and their friends were confused. His mother frowned upon it. But they made it work. For a while. Paris became Peru. And a helping hand at the lab seemed to become an indefinite stay. Their arrangement…became less convenient. They missed each others calls more often. Their visits became shorter. Work got in the way of things, once again. On their anniversary he was unable fly out to Vegas and she was unable to leave work and come to him. They weren't even able to talk on the phone. They had never been a conventional couple but even for them this was a bit too much. Or not enough. The promises their rings held weren't being kept. At one point he realised this was not what either of them wanted. They had lived a romantic life, traveling the world, and that was what suited them. Their temporary long distance marriage started to became more and more permanent. That was not what they had promised each other. It was time to be done with this…thing. He would ask her to come back. Well, not like that. But he wanted to talk to her, they would figure it out. It didn't really matter where they would live their lives, they were home when they were together. He knew she would agree on that. Maybe they could work on a research project. Or travel parts of Asia this time. He was in a good mood. He would call he and soon they would be reunited. He was in such a good mood because of the prospect of them being together again that he even took a phone call from Hodges. Who told him about Doug Wilson. Young, handsome Doug Wilson. Hodges rambled and he listened. And every fear he ever had, that had kept him away from her for so long, reappeared. Wasn't this exactly what he had been afraid of? Even the ring on his finger couldn't convince him otherwise. The promises she had made were not enough. She deserved better. Someone more suitable for her. He tied her down. By asking her to be together again he would hold her back. He couldn't, and wouldn't, be that guy. So when he called her and left a voicemail telling her he needed to talk to her, it wasn't because of the initial reason. It wasn't to talk about the rest of their lives together. It was to end their lives together. She sputtered and sounded defeated and broken. She tried to reason with him but he didn't even let her finish. He told her it was for her own benefit. In time she would understand it.

He set her free

She never left again

Suddenly there she was, on the dock. Like he had been there in the jungle. At first he hadn't seen her, just like she hadn't seen him back then. He was preparing to sail out of the San Diego harbour. He looked up, because he heard someone approaching and he was surprised to see her there. She looked insecure and fragile. Like she didn't exactly know what she was doing there or what she could expect. He looked at her for a little while, studying her face. He saw hurt en desperation in her eyes. She had a shuffle bag hanging over her shoulder and suddenly he realised what she was doing there, 330 miles away from Las Vegas. She had come for him. One more time she would put her heart on her sleeve, by finding him. By offering him a life together. One more time. And he couldn't be more happy. He smirked. And his eyes smiled. And he stretched out his arm, offering his hand to her. By inviting her on his boat, he invited her into his life. She smiled at him and no words were needed. She took his hand. They held each other. So close, they almost melted into one. He knew a few tears escaped her eyes, he just knew it. She was probably relieved that he had accepted her silent offer. Seeing each other again had been weird, and painful and bittersweet. It had been so long. They had never been separated this long. He closed his eyes and pressed her closer to him. After what seemed like forever they released each other, partially, to look at each other without breaking the physical contact. Their eyes gave away the emotions they were feeling. All the hurt and pain and doubt and longing, it was all there. She told him that she had left Las Vegas, to be with him because she had a feeling this was the only chance they would ever have at being together again. And she couldn't not take it. She started over talking about him and her and them. She apologised and told him that she would go back right away if he didn't want her there. She wasn't forcing him and she understood if…he silenced her with a kiss. A sweet and loving kiss that made the past melt away. It was just them and it would be just them forever. It wasn't the last time he had to silence her with a kiss though. Sometimes she would apologise for everything, for ever leaving, for not coming sooner and for all the lost time. He would kiss her every time she would start a speech like that. Because it was what she needed. Because he wasn't good with words and because he wanted her to know she had nothing to be sorry for and that he was so happy that she was there. Even when she would whisper it to him in the middle of the night, while she thought he was asleep, he would kiss her. One time, after he had kissed her to lovingly shut her up, she looked into his eyes. And a smile broke out. One so radiant and bright it made his heart skip a beat and he fell even more in love with her. The same smile that had made him fall in love with her in the first place, when she had been his student in San Fransisco. That smile held more promises than any words, or ring, ever could. She never apologised again. And she never left again. His house and his bed were never empty again. But, more importantly, his heart had healed.

She was home again