She climbed in the shower, the hot water burning her flesh. She felt the sting, saw the angry red it created, but her mind was too clouded to act on it. A whirlwind of thoughts nearly choked her.
They'd found him. He was barely alive by the time they had traced the clues back to the warehouse, but after five days they had finally found him. She remembers it so clearly; sprinting against the fight of her body, against her fear that they would find him dead. When she had reached the room, she found him unconscious in a chair, hands tied behind his back. Blood and bruises plagued his face, for a moment she didn't want to believe it actually was him. As she got closer, she remembers grasping his chin and pulling his face closer to hers, seeking a response. She had pleaded with him to open his eyes and just look at her, to prove to her that he was going to be okay.
She remembers crying when she saw his blue eyes again, their cobalt madness made it clear that they would be okay. But she was wrong. They were not okay. Maybe they would be eventually, but right now they were still broken. Still lost, confused, and scared. After emergency surgery to reduce the swelling in his brain and mend the stab wound he suffered, he woke up in the ICU with her by his side. He'd coded twice on the table, but with some physical therapy he was going to live.
The first day he couldn't look anyone in the eyes. She tried to get answers from him, but he remained still, his eyes fixed on the floor. "What did they do to you?" everyone would ask, and his gaze would glance away and he would stay silent- a "coping mechanism", the doctors called it.
The second day he was still silent, but she managed to catch his eye. She remembers grinning slightly at him, before watching his face fall, isolation consuming his expression. She continued to talk to him, avoiding questions about his abduction, about what they could've done to make him like this. She told him about her cases, about the boys and the precinct. Martha and Alexis stopped by multiple times daily, although it seemed that their distance was necessary for their sanity. Alexis had broken down on day four in the hospital bathroom. "Why him? Why would somebody do this to him?" She sobbed in Kate's arms, "What have they done?" Kate had gripped her tighter, pulling the girl close into her chest. "We just have to give him some time."
Even she was beginning to doubt that time was the answer. It had been two months since he'd gone missing. A week since she saw him in the hospital. Four days since he was released by the hospital and NYPD to go back home. He hadn't been able to sleep, and neither had she. They both laid silently, close in proximity but miles away in understanding. He still hadn't spoken a word to anyone, the last time she'd heard his voice was that phone call on their wedding day. In fact, the last time she'd truly seen him was that day too. She missed his personality, his wit and compassion. She missed his warm chest that she would snuggle against and feel bubble up as laughter erupted from his lungs. She missed his smile- that goofy grin she would wake up to. Would she ever see him again?
The heat from the shower had started to go cold, how long had she been in there? She ran her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath to ease her racing thoughts.
This was harder than anything she'd ever done before. The worst part was missing him while he was right there with her. He was empty. Even after two weeks he couldn't talk about anything, let alone give them any leads on who had started on all of this. The case was looking at a dead end. Every night her mind would wander to the darkest parts, question what they could've done to him and why. Would she ever get answers?
After what felt like hours, she finally turned off the water and draped herself in a towel to dry off. Once she was dressed and allowed the tears to dry, she headed back into the bedroom to bring him his dinner. She placed the plate on the nightstand next to him, and he looked at her, his gaze still hollow. She tried to talk to him again. To ask him questions about his day, something to fill the silence even though she knew she wouldn't get a response. She opened her mouth to speak, but immediately closed it to keep the sobs in. She couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't take faking that everything would be all right. He continued to stare back at her, a crease in his eyebrows that indicated he was still uneasy.
It was this day, day fourteen that she finally broke down. There, right in front of him, the last thing she wanted to do, the tears she'd saved for secret trips to the restroom finally strolled down her face freely. She wanted to flee, to run and spare him the heartache, but her legs kept her right where she was, facing him. Wreaking with embarrassment, she covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them. Unexpectedly, she felt the warmth of his palm on her wrists, prying her hands away. When she looked back again at him in shame, his eyes were bluer, his face softer. They continued their gaze for a few more moments, completely silent before his lips parted.
"You too, huh?" He responded, acknowledging everything she'd tried to do for him, everything she'd failed at in helping him. He even acknowledged her sobs. With this, Kate sobbed even harder, burying her face in his chest as he held on tightly to her. It was their first embrace since their ruined wedding day. Neither spoke, but eventually they fell asleep next to each other, with the weight of the past two weeks still heavy.
They were not okay, they were broken. So broken that the seams were frayed and worn. But they wouldn't be that way forever.