Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the characters or storylines that may be based within the show on ABC.
Author's Note: This is my farewell to Castle as I believe it should have been on the show. It gave me a semblance of nice closure and I hope it does the same for you. Enjoy.
...
The day Kate won her seat on the New York senate was the day the plus sign on the pregnancy test threw a hiccup in everything she had so carefully plotted out. With her blossoming career and Rick's endlessly demanding fame and work, a child seemed nearly impossible. Still, a sense of assuredness settled in her stomach at the realization her work was no longer as high staked as it once had been-no longer threatening this unborn child with a motherless life and maybe now was the perfect time to do this.
Kate felt an ultimate fear that nearly matched the immediate wave of love that rushed through her in that moment. She thought she had never felt so much fear before. Finding herself holding her breath, Kate tried to talk herself down from the ledge she stuck herself on. She had always figured things out, she would now, too.
A cautious knock at the bathroom door served as the first thing to pull Kate's attention from the test in her hand. Rick called through it asking to come in to grab his deodorant and without moving from her position before the sink, she opened the door.
"I have to head over to my agent's office and sign some papers before she leaves for the day. I'll be finished before your party tonight, though." Rick reached in front of Kate and opened the medicine cabinet hidden behind the mirror where his deodorant rested next to Kate's. He'd accidentally confused them a few times and was forced to walk around the precinct smelling of roses for a day. "The planner called and wants us at the party at five. Do you want me to pick up your dress or-." Feeling Kate's inattentiveness, Rick cut himself off and his eyes immediately fell on the pregnancy test in her hand.
"We can do this, right?" Kate's voice was small and cracked over the words as they tumbled out.
Rick let the doubt sit in the air for a moment. "Of course we can. We'll do it together." He pulled Kate against him and a puff of exhilaration escaped him with tear filled eyes. "This is awesome."
The fear subsided a little and Kate found herself thinking about the life building within her. "Yeah, it is. It is."
Rick let go of his wife and pulled her to the edge of the bathtub. "You're freaking out. You're nervous with your new job and how much I work. But you know what, I'll take less interviews, do shorter book tours, whatever. Alexis is looking for work, maybe she can nanny. We have so many options and nine months to figure it out so let's just take it one day at a time. Focus on all these amazing things."
Kate sniffed back the tears, "You're right."
Kissing Kate's forehead, Rick turned on the bath faucet. "Take a bath, relax, I'll take care of everything. Okay?"
Kate nodded a little, still rather numb. With the warm water washing over her stomach she almost felt the skin already growing taught. They could do this.
...
Her last day at the precinct came a few months later. After the goodbye party, the day shift cops had all pretty much trickled out and the graveyard officers had not yet begun to fill the desks. There was this brief moment, all of three minutes maybe, where no one but Kate stood in the bullpen. Every big moment of her recent life happened within this room, it was linked to everything. Her mother's murder had been investigated here by cop after cop, she met her husband here, pieced her life back together, built a family and community, built her career. It was all here.
For a brief moment she didn't want to leave. She wanted to pass on the senator position and just stay here. A small piece of her, though, knew that her time as a police officer was over, it had to be over. Her growing stomach pressing against the box of her office belongings reminded her of this. More than that, though, her mother's murder was closed and she'd climbed as high up as she possibly could within that division. Her stint with the 12th had to be over.
The first night shift officer walked into the bullpen sipping his coffee and tipped his head Beckett's way. And with his entrance, Kate Beckett's final shift as a police officer came to an end.
...
The first day as a senator was the worst. It was meeting after meeting, lobbyist after lobbyist, votes and hard decision making, agendas changing every twenty minutes and fundraisers being booked months out. Kate knew coming in it wouldn't be an easy job but with the nostalgia of her old one, her assistant her only friend, and the hormones of her pregnancy it seemed so much more overwhelming than she ever would have expected.
That evening, Kate sat on her couch and began to cry as one tends to do when things begin to pile on top of each other and are never adjusted to. Everything had changed in the past few months and she could finally feel the weight of it.
The front door of the loft opened and Castle walked in. "I have Chinese, Indian, Vietnamese and donuts. I was thinking we could put in some Twilight Zone and-," His eyes fell on his wife as she quickly tried to wipe the tears from her cheeks before he noticed but he still did. Leaving the bags onto the island counter, Castle dropped to the couch. "Kate, are you alright?"
"Um, yeah," Kate said. Her eyes stared forward as she still helplessly tried to fight off the tears. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Being a senator not as cool as Scandal makes it seem?" Castle asked.
Kate took a deep breath and composed herself. "It was just… A lot more than I expected. It was nonstop and I didn't know anyone. I.. missed you. A lot."
"My intelligent quips are pretty entertaining." Castle set his hand on top of Kate's, casting a smile her way and she returned one.
"I shouldn't be getting this upset about this." Kate scoffed at herself, almost appalled by her own emotions.
Castle's thumb ran circles over the back of her hand. "You know, your dad once told me about how you refused to have a nightlight. Told me you didn't flinch. But you know what? It's okay to flinch sometimes. Emotions don't make you weak, Kate. You'll start building relationships soon, you'll get the hang of things. You'll be a great senator just like you were a great cop. Just like you will be a great mom."
And suddenly the tears were back, stronger than before. The onslaught of full on sobs became near panic attack and Rick pulled her close. When the sobs began to ease, he whispered, "So that's what this is really about."
"How can I be a mom?" Kate asked. "How am I supposed to do that? What if I die and our child has to go through everything I went through? What if I close off to the child just like I did to you?"
"Kate, you don't give up until everyone is taken care of. You fight for the better of people you don't even know and as much as you think you're emotionally guarded, you have such a huge heart that you genuinely care for everyone you meet. Our child will be so loving, intelligent, and hardworking just for knowing you." Castle ran his hand over Kate's back as her sobs returned to regular breathing.
After untangling herself from her husband, Kate wiped her face and asked, "You really think I can do this?"
"If I can raise a kid as awesome as Alexis then I think you're definitely in the clear." Castle smiled as Kate laughed. "Now, can we start with the donuts or…?"
"No, Castle," Kate cried. "This kid eats what I do. We can't start with dessert and get it all full on sugar before dinner. When it comes out we'll have that much harder of a time convincing it to eat real food before ice cream."
Castle looked shocked. "When did we agree on ice cream after dinner? What's next, no sugar past 8?"
Shaking her head in feigned shock, Kate muttered, "How does Alexis not have diabetes?"
"Good question," Castle nodded. "Better question, should we be calling the baby something other than 'it'?"
After a moment's thought, Kate shrugged. "Still working on Parenting for Dummies, but we find out the sex next week so let's just keep doing it until then and then pretend like it never happened."
"Nice." Castle said. "I'm impressed. The kid's not even born yet and you've already mastered the skill of lying. Christmas will be a breeze."
"Vietnamese." Kate said.
Castle looked confused. "What?"
Kate pointed her thumb over her shoulder towards the kitchen. "The Vietnamese food sounds good. Let's start with that. And…," she smiled, "I love you."
...
A week later, Kate sat on the table in the OB/GYN as the nurse conducted the ultrasound.
"You wanted to know the sex today, right?" The nurse asked.
Kate and Rick shared a smile. "Yes," Kate answered.
"Alright…" The nurse moved the stick around a little and Rick watched the screen breathlessly as he held his wife's hand. The blonde pointed towards something on the screen with her free hand. "See there? You're having a boy!"
Rick squeezed Kate's hand. "Son, Kate. It's a boy."
Despite the excitement, Kate suddenly felt a strike of pain. Way back when she was sixteen she and her mother had a girl's night and ended up talking about baby names. Kate only picked out boys' names, being overwhelmingly convinced that her first child would be a boy and at that point she would have enough time and experience to pick the rest. She wanted her mom there to laugh and pick names out with, to teach her how to nurse and change diapers.
"Kate is gonna have her hands full with a mini me." Rick's light hearted voice brought her back to reality.
Pushing herself up on her elbows, Kate rolled her eyes. "Rick, I have my hands full enough with you as it is."
...
The night Kate went into labor she still had a month and a half left of her pregnancy and a huge floor vote the following morning in which she was a key speaker. Rick rushed her to the hospital in his Lamborghini with a horribly packed bag, halfway there he muttered something about how he'd forgotten his own toothbrush yet miraculously had remembered Kate's. In the passenger seat, Kate held onto her expanded stomach and stared straight ahead as quiet tears traced her face. No one said anything and Kate couldn't help but feel as though it were her fault.
The past month and a half, the senatorial position had done nothing but drive a wedge between the married couple. Castle thought she was working too much, especially for how pregnant she was, and Kate was so driven to work like always she refused to stop.
Labor went fast, but their son was rushed to the NICU for an oxygen tank the second he was born before Kate even had a chance to hold him. The nurse gave her something to help her sleep telling her about all the complications her body had just been through and as she slipped into a drugged sleep all she could think about was holding her son.
When she woke up, there was pain in her lower abdomen and Castle wasn't there. She was all alone. Her fingers fumbled around on the side of her bed until she found the call button and a nurse came in muttering something about how Kate needed to sleep more so her body would heal.
"My son…" but the heaviness pulled her eyelids back down and she slept.
The second time, Lanie and her dad sat in the corner. "Where's Rick?" Kate's throat was so dry her voice was cracked and harsh.
Lanie stood up and brought her friend some water with a straw, "Here, girl." Kate took a sip or two and then pushed it away. "Castle is in the NICU with your son right now."
"So he's okay?" Kate asked.
For a second, both Lanie and Jim remained silent. Lanie glanced over her shoulder at the older man and then took Kate's hand. "Honey, your son had a heart problem."
Panic struck Kate's gut, "What?"
"He'll be okay," Lanie rushed, hoping to save her friend from any agony. "They rushed him into immediate surgery, but he's out now and he's stable."
"Can I go see him?" Kate asked, trying to push herself up and out of the bed.
Jim stood up quickly from his own seat. "Katie, they want you to stay in bed. You have to stay still." He placed his hand on his daughter's shoulder. "You'll be able to meet him soon."
"Have you seen him?" Kate asked, looking between Lanie and her father.
Jim nodded, "Yes, sweetie. He's great."
"Javi and Kevin are already fighting for name rights. We have to get you better soon so you can end that madness." Lanie sent a reassuring smile Kate's way.
Kate nodded a little, feeling a new kind of isolation she never had before.
The next morning, a bubbly nurse finally helped Kate into a wheelchair and let Lanie push her down to the NICU. Castle sat asleep in a plastic chair next the incubator with his son and he began to stir.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Castle asked, rubbing his face.
Kate tried to forget the almost coldness, definite distance, in his voice. "I'm okay." Her body burst with anticipation, wanting to be beside the incubator so badly it felt as though her stomach was about to burst. With her son finally in view, a huge smile took over her face and she set her palm against the glass. "Hi, baby," she said. Her voice went up a few notches as adults tended to do when talking to a child.
The baby was tiny, poked full of needles with oxygen tubes stuck to his nose and a feeding tube in his stomach. There was a bandage over his chest. He and his mother would have matching scars. He barely moved save for his chest that was routinely distended by all the machines keeping him alive, though occasionally a finger would twitch that would prove he was still alive.
"We should name him," Castle said. "What do you think?"
Again, Kate thought back to the night she and her mother had talked about this. She thought about how her mother told her that her favorite name for a boy had always been Parker and how badly she had wanted a son to give that name to.
"Can we name him Parker?" Kate asked, staring at her son still. Never had there been anything she wanted as much as to hold him right then.
Rick fell silent for a moment. "Your dad told me that if your parents ever had a son that's what she was going to name him." Kate nodded in response. Castle seemed to think for a moment and then set his hand on his wife's leg. "I think that's great."
"And his middle name should be Alexander," Kate added quietly. Castle suddenly looked over at her and his eyes softened. His hand moved from her knee to her hand sitting in her lap.
...
It took four days to be able to hold Parker, but when they were finally allowed to Rick told the nurse to let Kate hold him first. In that moment, Kate felt like her life had never had real meaning until then and her world was brought into clarity by the tiny little baby in her arms. She held him against her bare chest like the doctor told her and after a few minutes, she handed the baby to Castle.
Rick fumbled around a little with his own shirt, having to take it all off as not everyone had the "luxury of a flimsy hospital gown that could be folded over in .2 seconds." Kate hadn't laughed so hard in weeks. As she watched her husband hold their son and the smile that took over his face afterwards, she couldn't help but feel immense love. Everything that had been said the past month was gone, it didn't matter. Her family was right in front of her, everything she needed was right there. And she loved them both so much.
It took only a day or so after that for Kate to be discharged, but it almost felt like she hadn't as all of her time was spent with the little bundle of poop and cries and joy at the hospital anyway. Castle still seemed to be a little cold towards her, not joking around with her and letting conversation lapse for long expanses of time. He would hold her hand, though, compliment what she was doing right, gently show her how to do something correctly if she made a mistake or needed help. Their relationship was the elephant in the room. Kate noticed everything, but stayed silent, focused on their son.
It took almost a month and a half for Parker to be discharged. For Kate, it was a lifetime. She just wanted her baby at home. The first few days were hard. Late night crying sessions had been almost entirely dealt with by the nurses up until that point so that was new for the couple. They took turns getting out of bed and rocking him back to sleep. The mornings the next day were horrible and neither had ever felt so tired. Their son was healthy and smiling, though, so they never complained much.
It took a week or so for them to pack up a town car and make their way out to the Hamptons. Parker loved the sound of the ocean and slept for longer periods of time and because of that, Kate and Rick decided to spend the most of their time there, at least until Kate had to return to work.
It took three weeks at the Hamptons for Kate to realize that she and Rick never talked unless it was about their son. "He needs a new diaper", "it's your turn to get him", and "will you feed the baby" became their only forms of conversation. Tension rose between the two, faster every single day. And it only took four days of Kate being aware of it until they blew up.
Kate had made her and her husband a nice breakfast. There was bacon, eggs, pancakes, potatoes, coffee, the works. She used the eggs to make eyes and the bacon to make a smile on top of the pancakes like Rick liked. But when he walked into the kitchen he simply kissed her temple, grabbed the plate and took it to the living room where he pulled out a manuscript. He pushed the eggs and bacon off the top of the pancake and ate in silence.
"Rick." Kate set her plate on the table. He made a half grunt. "Do you want to eat breakfast with me?"
Castle took a bite of his eggs, "I'm working."
Kate sat down, "Can't you work later?"
"You're one to talk." Castle's words were harsh and they hurt Kate.
"Stop, Rick!" The pain Kate had felt over the past few months bubbled over. "Don't you think I have been through enough? You blame me for Parker being born early. I get it."
The fork in Castle's hand clattered to his plate. "Our son could have died because of what you did. You could have died."
"The doctor said that it wasn't a stress-induced labor, Rick. Remember?" Kate stood up and walked into the living room to avoid yelling across rooms. The last thing they needed was to have Parker's cries echo through the baby monitor on the counter. "Plenty of women work all the way up until the end of their third trimester."
Castle stood up as well. "Plenty of women don't work in politics. That job is never ending stress."
Kate felt like she was going crazy. "Do you really need to hear for a third time that it wasn't a stress induced labor?"
"Yeah, well, I'm sure it didn't help things, now did it?" Rick's face was beginning to turn a minute shade of red.
"Do you know how it felt, Rick? Do you know how it felt to wake up terrified and alone in that hospital room?" Kate's voice was no longer yelling, but instead took a turn to a sadder side. "I felt so alone."
Rick scoffed. "So you just wanted your son to be alone, then? Abandoned in the NICU?"
Again Kate felt unendingly frustrated as Rick didn't seem to get it. "No, of course not. But when I woke up the second time you weren't there either and it felt like you'd abandoned me, Rick."
"I was there every three hours." Rick's own voice lowered. He took a step closer to his wife, tears filling up his eyes. "Every day I would switch between spending three hours with you and three hours with Parker. I set alarms and slept in uncomfortable chairs. You were asleep for two days. In the span of less than eight hours I almost lost my son and the love of my life. I was terrified, too, Kate. I was terrified that if I left one of you for too long you would die on me. It was agonizingly painful."
Kate's stomach sank as she began to understand everything. Her mouth opened, but words couldn't come out. She couldn't find the right words and tears began to pour from her eyes. "Rick, I didn't know. I'm sorry."
Castle looked at her for a second and then took the last couple of steps towards her, pulling her into an embrace. "It's okay. We both got hurt and I guess we both forgot that." Kate buried her face into Castle's chest and he kissed the side of her head. A shudder passed down his spine as he remembered the state of fear he'd lived in and held tighter.
They started talking again. It was a slow thing. Rick would bring her a cup of coffee and make a comment about the nice weather. Kate would ask how his manuscript was going and he would show her some excerpts he was really proud of and lines he didn't know how to fix.
One day Rick was sitting on the patio couch, leaning back casually while watching the waves with a Murakami book open in his lap. With the baby in her arms, Kate walked through the sliding glass doors and towards the opposite corner of the couch. Before she could sit, her husband closed the book and set it on the glass table and gestured towards the spot right beside him. She hesitated for a moment, but found her body had never forgotten how to fold against his. Parker slept peaceful on her chest as Castle draped an arm around her and rested his cheek against her head. Kate, too, nodded off into sleep.
...
A week before Kate's maternity leave was up, there was a barbecue at the Hamptons house. Jim, Martha and Alexis had all spent the weekend there for a family getaway. Jim and Rick tag teamed the grilling and Alexis hung out with her brother while Martha directed Kate in the decorating and baking with a martini in hand.
Around four Ryan, Jenny, Espo and Lanie all drove down the long driveway and found their way to the back bearing beers and food covered with aluminum foil. Rick showed them around as it had been years since they'd last been there. Lanie immediately relieved Alexis of her babysitting duties and barely let anyone else hold the child the rest of the night.
The team had split up long ago, but they'd never fallen out of touch. Esposito had taken a Captain position in narcotics and Ryan had taken a leave of absence from field work to teach at the academy after the arrival of his third child. Pay was better for a considerably lower amount of danger.
Still, though, despite the change in jobs and the years that had passed, their relationships somehow managed to remain untouched by time. Lanie and Kate gossiped about their significant others, both making somewhat sassy or sarcastic comments at the men throughout the night. Kevin made a stupid comment fueled by his years of growing up with sisters and earned himself a flick in the ear by his best friend Javi. Castle tried to shotgun a beer while flying a remote control airplane with his foot. After almost crashing it into a window, Alexis called for Kate who immediately swatted his arm and took away all electronic toys for a week. Martha was the life of the party, providing some great entertainment and always keeping drinks in everyone's hands. Jim got along easily with everyone, but had his shining moment of glory telling stories about Kate's childhood, specifically her prom date and how he'd scared the young man half to death.
Kate had once decided that even on the worst days there was a possibility for joy, but it wasn't until that evening that she came to learn even among the worst experiences there is always a possibility for a beautiful life. She may have lost a mother, but she'd gained the best family she could have ever asked for.
...
Two months after Parker's first birthday, Rick got the horrible phone call that Meredith had died of a drug overdose at an after party. Kate was in the kitchen wiping down the counters and joking about the previous night's episode of The Bachelor with him when his phone rang so she heard everything.
That night, Kate asked Alexis to come over for dinner. They didn't even make it to the opening of the wine bottle before Alexis caught on to something. Kate wished it had been later because maybe having the wine in Alexis's system would have softened the blow a little.
"What's going on?" Alexis asked. Her eyes bounced nervously between Kate and Rick. "Dad never makes his terrible Harry Potter joke unless something bad has happened."
Rick's face went pale and he froze. Upon seeing this, Kate grabbed Alexis's arm and gently prodded her towards the island stools. "Honey, there was an accident."
The light in Alexis's eyes went out and her face drooped, "It's my mother, isn't it?"
Kate nodded, "She passed away last night. I'm so sorry."
The younger girl stood up and aimlessly walked up the stairs towards her room which had been left untouched for her in case she ever needed it. Rick made a move to follow her, but Kate shook her head. "Let me, babe. Just trust me."
As she climbed the stairs, her mind reached back to find the moment she'd heard her mother had died. How empty and broken she had felt, then. Kate's knuckles rapped at the door to her step-daughter's room. There wasn't an answer, so after a moment she just walked in quietly.
Alexis had her back up against the closed doors of her closet with her knees pulled up to her chest and her eyes staring blankly towards the bed. Without a word, Kate slid down the wall beside the redhead and just sat there. A few minutes passed in silence. She knew that when the girl was ready she would speak and, at this point, pushing for it wouldn't help anything. It took her by surprise when the twenty-seven year old reached down and laced her hand with Kate's. That was when Kate saw the first tear fall from Alexis's eyes.
"I loved her so much," Alexis whispered.
Kate squeezed the hand in her own, "I know you did."
"Can I tell you something?" Alexis's nose was already stuffed from tears and Kate realized that girl had to have been crying a lot longer than she'd noticed.
"Of course, sweetie. You know you can always tell me anything." Kate brushed a piece of hair behind Alexis's ear.
Again, Alexis sniffed. Her eyes fell to her lap. "Meredith… She was my mother. I mean she gave birth to me and everything and I always looked up to her. Loved her. But you," Alexis looked directly into Kate's eyes. "You're my mom. A mom is supposed to be there for advice and when you're having a good day and want to celebrate and when you have a bad day and just need wine and ice cream. You're my mom. Are you okay with that?"
For just a second, Kate saw the glimmer of the teenager that had asked her about an internship and college all those years ago flash before her eyes. She leaned over and kissed Alexis on the forehead in the way her mother had done to her. "Of course."
The family of four flew out to Los Angeles for the funeral the following week. Martha had wanted to be there but said something about having a class to teach and never liking the woman much in the first place. As everyone stood staring at the casket that held the once crazy take-your-daughter-to-Paris-for-lunch kind of woman, Alexis held Kate's hand in her left and Rick's in her right.
...
Another year came and went. Kate became better and better at her job with each passing day, even being voted New York's most popular senator in one of those time wasting polls that circulated throughout the internet. Even though she was pretty sure Rick had spent a day voting with Parker over and over again, she still won her reelection by a landslide.
She had once wanted to be a supreme court justice with everything she'd had. While that dream had come and gone, Kate felt like this was close enough. She quite liked being a senator. By that point she had figured out the ins and outs of the job, learned how to balance the schedule and family life well, and she had found that the events for her work proved to be a bit more interesting than her husband's. Though, Castle would be quick to disagree.
Kate liked the job as a senator much better than her job as a police officer. It was always rewarding putting away criminals, but in their cases the horrible things had already been done. In her new position she actually had the capability of stopping it before it happened.
The second time around, it was not her reelection day but a few months later, right before Christmas when she held the second positive pregnancy test in her hand. She wasn't scared or even too worried. Like she'd thought before, they always figured things out together.
...
Cameras flashed at the entranceway of Castle's book launch party just as they did every time another came around. The parties had become farther apart with Parker not yet in school and Kate was sure it would again be affected when their daughter was born in another four months. This time around, Kate skipped out on the big work fights getting an earlier date for her maternity leave and only had another two months left before she'd start taking it easy.
The couple had already picked out the name of their daughter and happily used it to avoid calling her an 'it'. Houghton Nikki Castle was to be the beloved final (human) installment to the family, so named by the middle name of her mother and grandmother.
Rick set his hand on the small of Kate's back and looked around the large ballroom filled with tables and people talking loudly over the music. There were a lot less half-dressed girls than the first party Kate had ever attended all those years before and for that, she was grateful. "Look at it," Rick said. "An end of an era."
"I knew you were getting old, but I didn't realize you were getting so dramatic, too," Kate joked, but still a part of her felt the same way. "You'll find something to write about soon." She leaned into his side and he gave her a quick kiss.
His face lit up with excitement. "I almost forgot! You can read the dedication now."
For months he had hidden the dedication of this book from her, wanting her to read it for the first time at the launch party. Kate walked over to the table stacked high with copies of Heat Break. Her fingers danced over the covers for a moment, before she gingerly picked up a copy of the final Nikki Heat. She found herself overcome with emotion for the book series she had once despised so much.
Kate flipped to one of the first pages.
To the extraordinary KC and the family we built.
...
Thank you for reading this please leave reviews or send me a PM! I love hearing from you guys so I can do better. I take story requests as well. Sending love to the entire fandom this week. We all need it.
Until tomorrow.