Phazon: Greetings, Naruto fans and others alike. This fiction originally began as a parody of the 1981 movie Porky's, but after seeing more things, it will turn out to be more than that. It may feature some out of character…ness by the characters, breaking the fourth wall, and odd moments, but I hope readers will still enjoy that. I would appreciate type of feedback you have.

Disclaimer: Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

------------------------------------

Snatching the Goods

When you're a shinobi, fucking ought to be the last thing on your mind. That's all about to change.

It was a dull, dismal, boring day in Konoha, like it normally was. Missions had dwindled to a minimum, meaning that the various teams of shinobi, Team 7 among them, had very little to do, other than just dawdle around and bother other people.

In his living quarters, Kakashi smiled through his mask as the AC ran full blast whilst he found a new way to enjoy his time that didn't involve reading Icha Icha Paradise. No, his new interest came in the form of a movie he was currently watching. He stood to his feet as he began to state, word for word, the line said on the screen.

"Next Saturday night, we're sending you back…to the future!"

Man, oh man, did Kakashi enjoy this strange movie with Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox. Though it had nothing to do with his normal life, he couldn't help but be interested with the whole thing about time and space. It was something he could get into when Anko wasn't around to bother him

"Now those guys know how to live it up," he muttered to himself before taking another sip of his beverage at his side…until he stopped in between sips and stared at the liquid in front of him.

A half assed idea that usually came in bad made for TV movies and sitcoms was now forming in his mind. If some drinks could get a few tipsy, what if he could create a new type of refreshment that would open up everyone's minds and hearts, so to speak, as well as create some scandalous events around dull Konoha.

Herein lies the problem: How in the hell was he going to create an aphrodisiac without being questioned or interrupted? And besides that, who could he confide in, if at all?

It then hit the sensei on the head like a mallet to a nail.

Jiraiya.

----------------------------

Scene shifts to outdoors where three witches were brewing up a storm. Or…rather, two perverts who were currently watching an Easy-Bake oven.

"So you say it cooks…like a regular microwave?" Kakashi asked.

Jiraiya nodded, his gaze never leaving the oven. "Exactly; everyone loves hot food, and women always go for a guy that can cook. Now, what's this about wanting to make a sex drug?"

"Well, isn't there a research lab where we can steal one?"

Konoha's research district indeed had special facilities that specialized in testing, modifying, and developing new fangled drugs that were best suited for animals. There rarely was a time when the drug was developed for human purposes.

"One of us will have to steal one, but it's guarded by flying monkeys," Jiraiya explained.

Kakashi blinked and stared in confusion. "Flying…monkeys?"

"Hai," Jiraiya responded, putting on some oven mitts, "apparently the monkeys are stronger because they can fly, but it's nothing serious."

"Then I may as well do it," Kakashi said, "though I'll need a picture of one of the employees so I can--"

In a flash, Jiraiya had a picture of a provocative young woman with a skimpy skirt on. She was an employee for sure.

"I needn't tell you how I got this," Jiraiya said, laughing slightly before his tone grew serious, "but I want that back…very soon. Now, want some cookies?"

-----------------------------

Outside Konoha's medicinal center, Kakashi was around the back, a mental image of the woman still in his mind. He put his hands together, also hoping that no one would hear him.

"Henge no jutsu," he called as he immediately transformed into that same woman with the ample bosom, attractive set of legs…and the one eyebrow.

"This better work," Kakashi muttered in the best female tone he could muster as he briskly walked inside the facility like he owned the joint. He received some stares from many men whom he assumed watched the woman normally when she graced them with her presence. Soon enough, he approached a man in a white suit who was going over 'Top Secret, Dangerous Stuff.'

"Um, excuse me," Kakashi said, tapping the man on his shoulder and receiving his attention. "I was wondering about that aphrodisiac that was being developed."

The man smiled. "You must mean 'Project 8765309: Dangerous Sex Drug.'"

"Well…I guess so," he responded. "I'm looking for enough to get a large group of my friends drunk and horny."

"You're in luck," the official responded, "seeing as administration was steamed about the drug and wanted us to get rid of it, you can take the whole thing. The secret to creating it is on the bottle itself, but if you develop it for your own uses…keep it on the down low. If not, the consequences could be dire."

Kakashi simply blinked. "Go on…"

"That's it. Christ, Betty, what's gotten into you nowadays?"

The man gave Kakaishi a key that would enable him to enter the room with the aphrodisiac, as well as an AK-47 to deal with the flying monkeys.

Kakashi walked, thinking about how Jiraiya could possibly be infatuated with a woman named BETTY, as well as whatever jokes he could use on him when he got back.

"Betty," Kakaishi muttered as he slid the key card that would give him access to the drug, "of all the nerve of him. Why not Mitzi or Atiku? Those are much nicer names."

Kakashi opened the door and came face to face with a mean looking primate that eyed him menacingly. There were at least twenty monkeys that were lined across the room, eying Kakashi, who was still under the guise of a twenty something woman, but none of them attacked.

"O…kay," he concluded as he stepped over bananas and some brown sludge he wouldn't mention, "I'll just be taking these vials and I'll go."

He took the various vials of the aphrodisiac, looking at the instructions on the back of how to make one's own, and smuggled them into a brown paper bag he'd brought just in case he had to suffocate a monkey.

As Kakashi approached the door, backing up, he felt his womanly leg stopped by a monkey's embrace. The creature apparently wanted a look up the female's skirt, and Kakashi, not wanting to leave with monkey bites, hesitantly lifted up the woman's skirt as the monkeys began to whoop and holler…in monkey lingo.

This better be some powerful stuff, he thought to himself as the monkeys began advancing on his female body.

-----------------------

Jiraiya was biting into another cookie while reading a model catalogue when Kakashi returned, back as his original self and bruised from head to toe with monkey bites.

"Did you get the stuff?"

"I get abused and attacked by monkeys, and all you want to know about is the sex drug?"

"Yes, yes," Jiraiya replied anxiously, "is that all of it?"

"And more," Kakashi said, walking in and dumping the bag, "there's tons of the stuff, but we need a quick way to spread it.

Jiraiya stopped and pondered this for a moment. There would have to be a huge distribution system; something that he knew everyone would partake of, but that was out of the question. There was no eatable fad that all divulged in, save for the ramen shop where everyone seemed to know your name. Sake wouldn't work either, seeing as many of the targets weren't old enough to drink yet, but that would be the whole point.

Kakashi was the first to break the silence.

"What about the toso that they've been serving at the ramen shop? That's good enough for the younger ones to try."

"Uh, don't they usually break that stuff out around the New Year time?"

"They claim that the toso will attract a younger audience, so they must've figured, 'What the hell?'"

"What the hell, indeed," Jiraiya said as he jumped in his seat, "let's get this stuff over there and watch the clothing fly."

"It won't make them horny, J," Kakashi said to a now disappointed Jiraiya.

"….just kidding!"

And with that, the two perverted guys who could take on Muten Roshi in a battle of reading adult magazines left Jiraiya's home, both of their backs weighed down with bottles and bottles of the potent sex drug ready to release on an unsuspecting Konoha.