A/N: For a while now, I have been thinking of creating a collection of short, TBBT fictions that are based on songs that I like, affect my mood, or I find meaningful. Last night, I remembered a particular song that reminded of a dear friend that I met through this fandom. This is my first entry to what I will now call, "The Song Book Collection." Without further ado, this one goes out to Boys3AllC.
Song: When I Look to the Sky
Performed by: Train
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
There you are to show me
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It was less than a week, before Christmas and the air was getting colder and colder in Pasadena. Today is Saturday and Sheldon was set to wake up in 10 minutes to go through his routine of eating oatmeal and watching Dr Who. This morning, however, he woke up earlier than necessary. It's that time of the year again. For almost thirty years now, around the third week of December, he's always struggled to face things that he normally goes through, daily. There was a small gap in his window that allowed the cool air to come in. He felt it on his cheek and he automatically drew the covers over his head. He didn't want to get up today, but the alternative was staying in bed. When he stays in bed, people tend to check on him and he didn't want that. If anything, he wanted to be alone right now. If there was one person, whose company he wants to be in right now, that would be Amy. He extended one of his arms out of the blanket and waited for the alarm to go off. When it did, he pounded on it with a little too much force that the clock fell off his night stand. Grunting under the covers, he sat up and looked down on the floor where his alarm clock landed. He sighed and allowed his head to hit the pillows again. He stared at the ceiling for a while until his phone buzzed, signaling a new message. He picked it up and opened the good morning message from Amy. This made him feel lighter.
They have been back together for almost two weeks now. He still couldn't believe he almost wasted his chance to be with the only woman he loved again. All because of his fear of being hurt if she ever leaves again; an uncertainty that held him back when she told him she wanted to be his girlfriend again. Thank heavens for that song that reminded him how his life was so much better with Amy in it. With her in mind, he got out of bed and went out of his room to start his day. They weren't set to see each other today because Amy had some meeting with her colleague about the development of their recent study. They had a scheduled Skype call later in the morning, though, and he was looking forward to it.
He was welcomed with Christmas merriment when he walked out into their living room. Penny and Leonard were fixing their tree (that he allowed, all because of Amy) while Jingle Bell Rock was playing in the background. He didn't even greet them and walked towards the iPod to stop the music.
"Hey! We were listening to that!" Penny complained when the music stopped and saw why.
"Penny, it is Saturday. I am about to watch Dr Who. You already know that. And why are you even up this early?" he asked, remembering that unless it was necessary, Penny still prefers to stay in bed as late as possible.
"Well, we wanted to get started early on decorating the tree. It's been two years since the last time we had one around here," Leonard answered.
"Alright. But let me remind you that the only thing that I agreed to is for you to set up that infernal tree, so I don't see why you need to fill this apartment with holiday noise," Sheldon said while working on his oatmeal.
"C'mon Sheldon. Some holiday tunes won't hurt," Penny pleaded, but Sheldon just walked past her and sat down in his spot. Leonard looked at Penny and shook his head at her; telling her not to push it. He knows better than to force more than one aversion down the man's throat. She pouted but gave up and went back to decorating their tree.
Sheldon turned the TV on and watched his show. He kept sending disapproving looks at the tree while watching. He still can't believe Amy got him to allow a tree in his apartment. It's not like the group wasn't aware of why he hated Christmas; but that doesn't stop them from calling him "The Grinch." Although what he couldn't believe more, is that the group seem to be using his girlfriend to manipulate him when they can't change his mind about something. He's going to have to talk to Amy about that, some time soon. He decided to focus on his show instead.
Around 9:30, Sheldon sat in front of his computer to call Amy on Skype. Her face appeared and a smile spread on his face immediately. She did the same. While he would never admit it out loud, her eyes are the most beautiful pair that he's seen in his life. He didn't know if she ever noticed it, but he's always the last to look away when they look at each other. He always wants to hold her gaze for as long as time will allow.
"Good morning, Amy. I trust that you slept well, last night?" he greeted.
"I did. Did you? You look a bit tired," she asked, concerned.
"Sleep was bit elusive last night, but I managed to get at least six hours, so I'm fine," he replied, trying to reassure her.
"If you say so. You have all day today anyway. Maybe you can take a nap later," she suggested.
"I'll try. Leonard and I still need to polish a few things. Are you ready for your meeting?" he asked.
"I am. I already did a preliminary study about the new case that we're going to handle in a month. I'm looking forward to it," she answered.
"That's my girl," he teased, beaming at her.
"Like there's even a need to question my preparedness?" she joked back.
"Of course not. You're my girlfriend. I'm sure we've been together enough, that certain traits of mine have already rubbed off on you," he continued, raising both eyebrows, challenging her.
"Hey! I've always like being prepared, even before I met you!" she replied. He smiled and then stared at her thoughtfully. Amy tilted her head and drew her brows together. He suddenly seem lost in thought and now she wonders if he's really okay.
"Sheldon. Are you alright?" she asked.
"Yes. I'm just... You know, they set up the tree earlier," he replied and tried to give her a convincing smile. He then leaned to the side a little so the Christmas tree would fit in the frame. Amy got confused by the sudden change of the topic.
"It looks lovely," she commented.
"Well, it's a dead tree. I don't see how one finds a decorated tree corpse, 'lovely'," he shot at her.
"Sheldon, are you sure you're okay?" she tried again.
"What is with you and your obsession at finding out if I'm okay. I already answered you twice," he said, frowning at her. She would've dismissed it as one of his usual crankiness but she felt like something was up and he was just not telling her. She saw the time on her laptop and knew she needed to go if she didn't want to be late, so she took his words unwillingly and muttered a quick goodbye.
When Sheldon closed his laptop, he sighed. He didn't want to be such a baby about something that he should not be dwelling about anymore. He thinks what he feels was silly because he is now a grown man and sadness over an event that occurred a long time ago was not something he should be wasting his energy on. He tried to go through the day as normally as he can. He must have been doing it well because Leonard or Penny did not ask him if he was okay, like Amy did. That, or Amy was just really better at reading him.
Later that day, they got an invitation for an impromptu game night at Howard's place. Leonard was more than willing to go but was surprised when Sheldon declined. He didn't even make any excuses; he just said he didn't want to go. When Penny found out about the game night, she asked her ladies for girl's night out and got their confirmation almost right away. Amy texted Sheldon about it, and he felt a little jealous that the girls were going to see her tonight. He didn't tell her about it and just sent her an "enjoy your evening" message.
Leonard left around 5 o'clock with Penny. The ladies decided to go together since Amy couldn't join them for another two hours. They were going to meet her at their favorite Italian restaurant instead. Sheldon stayed at home and tried to keep his mind off sad memories by watching some random TV shows. While browsing through the channels, he saw the original version of the musical, Singing in The Rain. He stopped changing channels to watch it. He felt his eyes stinging just after a few minutes of into the movie, so he shut the TV off.
More than Christmas, this was the one day that he dreads every year, during the holiday season. Each year, he tried to discreetly hide the fact that he wished he could spend this day in his room without anyone looking for him. For a few years, he managed to do exactly that. But ever since he left for college, he rarely got away with it. It's just a few more hours anyway, he thought. He got up and went in their storage closet to retrieve an old turntable and a vinyl record. Soon, the apartment was filled with Hank Williams' music.
Amy arrived at the bar around 7:30. She immediately spotted Bernadette and Penny. They caught up on the events of the week while waiting for their food when Bernadette mentioned that Sheldon didn't go to their house for game night.
"Did he say why?" asked Amy.
"No. Actually he just said he didn't feel like going out," answered Penny.
"Did you notice anything... weird about him today?" she continued her questions; getting more worried. Sheldon never misses any game night for no special reason.
"C'mon Ames, you have to be more specific," Bernadette asked back. Amy frowned at her friend.
"I don't know; anything out of the ordinary?" she asked again.
"No. Not really, although this morning he kept frowning while watching Dr Who. But that could just be because Leonard and I were putting up the tree," the taller blonde answered. Amy sighed; she was now thinking of going to Los Robles and checking on Sheldon.
"So he's just at home right now?" Amy confirms.
"Yep. But I'm sure he's fine. He's probably doing some movie or series marathon or something," Penny dismissed. Amy wasn't comforted though; she really wanted to see how he's doing. She told the girls she had to go and apologized when they protested. She tried to make them understand why she was going and ignored her friend's reassurance that Sheldon was fine. Eventually, they let her go and she left for Los Robles.
When Amy arrived on their floor, she heard music from the other side of 4A's door. Her eyebrows drew together in confusion. She had never heard Sheldon playing this kind of music. The music sounded like a classic version of a country song. She wasn't familiar with it. She knocked but did not get any response from the inside. She tried twice, three times, but no one was answering the door. She tried to turn the knob and was surprised to find it was unlocked. She pushed the door slowly, checking if the bolt was in place, but even that wasn't preventing her entry. She went in and found Sheldon sitting in a chair by the window, near the far bookcase. He was leaning against the edge of the window, with his arms crossed in front of him. He didn't seem to notice her entrance. She walked towards him and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. He gave a start and looked up.
"Amy. When did you get here? More importantly, why are you here? I thought you were at girl's night?" he asked with a frown.
"Well they told me that the boys are having a game night and that you opted out of going. You keep saying you're alright, yet you're here alone in the apartment when the guys are playing video games at Howard and Bernadette's," she replied. He just let out a sigh and turned his attention back to the view outside. He wasn't looking at anything in particular.
"Sheldon you know you can tell me anything right?" she asks. He nodded in response, still not looking at her.
"Okay. Then why don't you tell me what's bothering you?" she tried again. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his arms. She reached for his shoulder again but he didn't look up.
"I have mentioned that I hate the holidays because that's when my Pop-pop passed away, correct?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered, waiting for him to continue.
"What I never said was when exactly," he continued. That's when it became clear to Amy. Today was his grandfather's death anniversary. She looked down at his boyfriend who held his head up again and was looking out the window.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she asked.
"Because I didn't want you to think I was being ridiculous. He passed away 30 years ago. I shouldn't be acting like this," he answered. Amy felt a little ache in her heart for him. She knew how much losing someone close to a person's heart feels. She lost her father when she was ten. She was so much closer to him than to her mother, so it saddened her deeply when he died.
"I was there when he passed away. I went in their room when I couldn't find meemaw or pop-pop and found my grandmother crying beside him. I didn't understand what was happening at first," he continued before she could speak again.
"Sheldon," she called his attention. He looked up when she didn't say anything else. "Never call yourself ridiculous for grieving someone. No one completely gets over a loss of a loved one."
He considered her words and agreed that she was right. He looked up at the sky and Amy followed his gaze. She noticed that the sky was clear tonight and a lot of stars were shining across the vast space.
"I miss my pop-pop," he murmured. He felt wetness in his eyes and couldn't stop the silent tears that escaped. Amy noticed it but did not comment on him crying. This was the first time she saw him crying. The sight broke her heart. She didn't know how he'd react is she hugged him. After all, they just got back together and were practically still in the process of restarting their relationship. She turned her back from the window and leaned against it instead, while looking up at the sky.
"You know how some cultures associate the stars with souls of our departed loved ones?" she asked.
"Yes. What about it?"
"I was close to my father, so when he died, I was broken hearted. I tried all forms of distraction that I can to forget the feeling. No matter what I did, at the end of the day, the feeling remained," she continued. "One day, I was reading a book about the afterlife and souls. In one chapter, the book discussed the cultures that considered stars as souls. It may seem silly, for scientists like us to believe in the existence of afterlife or souls, but at the time I was a child and held on to a way that can keep my dad close to me; more than in my heart and mind."
Sheldon was looking at her sadly. He never knew anything about her father passing or that she was close to him. He berated himself internally for not asking her about her childhood; making a mental note to ask more about her past.
"You know what I did?" she asked him.
"What?"
"I assigned a star to my father,"
"You did? Which one?"
"Do you know Polaris?" she asked.
"That one?" he asked back.
"The very one. Every night that I see the North Star in the sky, I would think that my dad was there, watching over me, and that made things more... bearable," she confirmed. They both looked up at the sky and watched the few groups of clouds clearing the expanse of their view.
"Would you like us to assign a star to your grandfather?" she offered. He looked at her for a while, batting his eyelashes softly, trying to clear his sight of tears.
"Which one?" he asked. Amy examined the night sky, looking for familiar constellations that are visible that night. When she found what she was looking for, she opened the window and pointed up to the general direction of the star.
"Sirius. Look, it's there." His gaze followed to where she was pointing and found the brightest star on that side of the horizon.
"I think he'd like that," he agreed. Standing up and looking at the star again.
"I think it fits him. He did become the light in your world when the rest were shutting you out. Him and your grandmother," she said.
"That is true," he agreed again. He then looked down at his girlfriend and smiled at her. Amy returned it and they gazed into each other's eyes. Sheldon surprised her when he moved closer and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on top of her head. It took her a full minute before she could react and wrap her arms around him too.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"You're welcome." They remained in that position for a few minutes, the whole time, Sheldon was looking at the sky to where Sirius was located. A star that from now on, he would consider a representation of his pop-pop. A reminder that even after death, he was still around, much like how he's always been there for him when he was young. He sighed, but this time, he felt lighter than he had all day. He suspected that from now on, he will be able to face this day without dreading it too much. He kissed the top of her head and pulled back a little to look at her.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you, too." They smiled at each other and then he nodded, looking around his apartment.
"Would you care to join me for dinner?" he offered. Just then, her stomach grumbled. She smiled shyly while Sheldon gave her a look of mock disapproval. Then he laughed and Amy joined after failing at looking annoyed. "I'll take that sound as a yes."
He held his hand out for her and they walked to the kitchen to prepare a simple dinner. While Amy was slicing some cheese for their sandwich, Sheldon kept shooting sideway glances at her. He was thinking of how grateful he was that they found each other and that she was now back in his life again.
-xo-