It Didn't Mean A Thing
(Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters.)
(This is a reposted story that was written pre-Furt. It was lost earlier and I have had many requests to repost it.)
Finn and Rachel had been dating since the night that they lost at Regionals. Maybe that should have been an omen.
Their relationship had started off slow. Finn had broken her heart twice in the last year, and he felt like three strikes and you are out. Rachel was coming off of a hard break up with Jessie St. James. They each had suffered heartbreak and betrayal at the hands of another; they didn't want to be each other's rebound.
Their summer of dating had gone smoothly enough. No school or bullies to harass them. Just a lot of making out, but they had been stuck on first base. The mailman tactic was becoming less and less effective for Finn. He wanted desperately to move on at least to second base with Rachel. Did she really mean that girls wanted sex just as much as guys or was she just blowing smoke?
When Rachel finally took his hand and placed it on her breast, he was in shock. Shock that she had made the first move, and shock at how good her breasts felt. From there things did pick up speed. They were on her bed enjoying an afternoon of privacy when she sat up and pulled her t-shirt over her head. As she reached for her bra clasp, Finn
stopped her.
"We need to talk," was all that he said looking down embarrassed.
"Finn if you aren't ready, I fully understand," said Rachel totally confused.
"Oh, I'm ready, I've been ready, I want nothing more than to make love to you, but I think that I need to tell you something first. I owe you that much," Finn stammered out the words.
Rachel was now even more confused, did he have E.D. or an STD? Did he have a fatal disease?" she thought to herself.
"Go on," she said. "Whatever it is, I love you and nothing will change that."
"I'm not so sure about that, once you hear what I have to tell you," Finn said sucking up all of the courage that he could find.
"Do you remember last spring when you went out with Jessie and I went out with Santana on the same night?"
Rachel nodded remembering that she'd lied when she told Finn that was when she'd lost her virginity to Jessie.
Finn bit his lip before he continued. "I lied to you, before our relationship goes any further; I want you to know that I'm not a virgin. I lost it the same night that you did; I just lied to you about it because it didn't mean a thing, because it wasn't you. When it was over, she asked me if I felt any different. The only thing that I felt was dirty."
"Her name's Santana," Rachel said pulling her t-shirt back on.
"I want this relationship to last, and I don't want any lies between us."
"Finn, I want this relationship to last too, but I've a confession to make to you too, I lied when I told you that I lost my virginity that night. I'm still a virgin; I couldn't do it, because Jessie wasn't the one. I wanted us to be each other's firsts."
Now Finn felt doubly sick to his stomach.
"Rachel, if I could take back any ten minutes of my life that moment would be the one," Finn said afraid to look at her.
"Ten minutes!" Rachel said not meaning to say it out loud.
"You know that I've a problem with early arrival, I didn't even get my shirt off. I've gotten more out of do it yourself hand job."
"Did you use protection? Have you been tested?" she said coolly.
"Yes to both questions," he said sheepishly. "My test came back clean."
"Rachel, there was no foreplay, nothing. It was over almost as fast as it had begun. I didn't kiss her; I couldn't kiss her because I don't even like her. It was just sex. I just wanted to get her out of that motel room and out of my truck as fast as possible, but she had to have a hamburger first. When I finally got home, I stood in the shower until I used up all of the hot water."
"I only have one question, why?"
"I've asked myself that question a hundred times. I could come up with a lot of excuses, but no one held a gun to my head. So much had happened with Quinn and Puck. I felt that I had lost you for good, and that you were doing it with Jessie. I just wanted to stop hurting for awhile, but I just felt worse. Rachel, say something," Finn pleaded with her.
"I don't know which hurts worse," she finally said, "that I won't be your first or that you lied to me. But I lied to you too, so if it okay with you, I think that my lie cancels out your lie."
"As far as your giving your virginity to Santana," she continued, "I need to think about it. It's getting late, how about it if you go home now? I'll call you when I've had time to process this."
Finn crawled off of her bed and pulled on his shoes.
"Rachel, it was a mistake. Do you wish that I hadn't told you?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Please call me soon," he pleaded. "I love you so much. Jessie and Santana did make me come to my senses and realize that."
That night neither one of them slept very well. Rachel tossed and turned the most. She'd told Jessie no and waited for Finn. Why hadn't he waited for her? Now he seemed like he was shop worn, used, or second hand to her. He was just another notch on Santana's belt. She needed so much to talk this out with someone, but whom?
Hiram and Leroy where never at home, plus she couldn't talk about her virginity with her dads. Miss Pillsbury was hopeless on matters that she didn't have a pamphlet for. Finally an answer came to her. She needed to talk to her mom. Shelby had rejected her not once, but twice. But damn. Shelby owed her this much. She was taking a chance, but she really could use some advice from someone who was older and wiser, and had more experience with such things.
Rachel hesitated before she called Shelby, but she hit the call button before she lost her courage.
After the third ring, Rachel almost hung up, but Shelby answered.
"Hello," said Shelby.
"Hello Shelby, it's Rachel, Rachel your daughter. I know that you probably don't want to hear from me right now, but I really need to talk to you. I really need a mom right now."
There was a long pause, and then Shelby answered.
"Rachel, you sound upset. Can you tell me what this is about?"
"It's about me and Finn. I really would like to talk to you in person, and not over the phone. What I need is another woman to talk to," Rachel said hopefully.
"If you can be here by 1:00, Beth should be down for her afternoon nap."
Rachel arrived a few minutes before 1:00. Shelby saw her walking up the sidewalk and opened the door before Rachel had a chance to ring the door bell.
"Is Beth asleep?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, she just went down for her afternoon nap," Shelby whispered, "Come on in to the living room."
Shelby listened intently as Rachel told her the details of Finn's confession of his encounter with Santana.
When Rachel had concluded, Shelby took a deep breath and thought about her response for a few moments.
"Rachel, I'm new at this mom stuff, but I'll try."
"I do remember being sixteen, and I thought that when I lost my virginity it would be a Hallelujah Chorus moment. It wasn't. What I can tell you is that there is a big difference between having sex, and what my generation calls making love. Sex for sex's sake is selfish; it's about yourself and getting what you want out of it. Making love, sharing yourself intimately with someone that you love is about the other person."
"You may feel that Finn is now second hand goods, you may feel like kicking him to the curb, but Rachel he loves you. I have been watching the way that he looks at you, the way he sings to you; his feelings are the real thing. If I had had a guy look at me the way he looks at you, my life could have turned out so differently."
Shelby continued, "I do have to give Finn credit for telling you about this especially before your relationship moved on any further. He told you that it was a mistake and he regretted it. He could have conveniently forgotten about it. The two of you weren't even involved at the time. You did give the impression that you were moving on with Jessie. I don't mean to sound like I'm taking Finn's side, but all that he had with Santana was sex. They used each other. He may have given her his virginity, but he didn't give her his heart. From what I see, that belongs to you."
"This is my best answer to your questions," Shelby concluded. "You can break it off with him over this, but in my heart I feel that you would be making an even bigger mistake in the long run."
"Rachel bit her lip before she answered, "You've given me a lot to think about. I really haven't thought about it that way. I've been thinking too much about myself and feeling betrayed. How did you get to be so wise?"
"It is called living," Shelby said trying to sound reassuring.
Rachel was gathering her things to leave when the baby monitor came to life with whimpers from the nursery.
"Would you like to see Beth?" Shelby said to Rachel.
"Ah, sure," Rachel said not really sure what to say.
"Okay if you'll go into the kitchen and warm up a bottle, I'll go and change her diaper. The directions are on the refrigerator," said Shelby pointing in the direction of the kitchen.
Rachel and Shelby soon met back in the living room with Beth rubbing her eyes not totally awake. Shelby took the bottle and settled back into the chair that she'd been sitting in earlier.
Rachel sat back down on the couch and fidgeted with her car keys.
"Shelby," Rachel said, "I've one more question if you're ready to answer it for me, but if you aren't, I'll understand."
Shelby knew what the question was going to be, she knew that it would come up eventually.
"Go ahead," Shelby said anticipating the dreaded question.
"You're the one who sought me out; I offered you a mother/daughter relationship with me, not once, but twice. That night at Regionals, you said that you were tired of coaching show choir, that you needed a family. Then out of the blue you adopted an infant. I'm your flesh and blood family. Wasn't I what you were looking for? Did I disappoint you?" asked Rachel as the pain was seeping back into her words.
"Rachel, you were never a disappointment, in fact, you're the opposite. Meeting you made me realize how much I needed a family, and how much I had missed not being there to watch you grow up. When I saw you at Sectionals, I immediately knew that you were my daughter, but what I saw was a grown, confident young woman on the brink of a brilliant life. I had nothing to offer you, nothing to give you. You've made it this far without me and look at what you've become. You're what they call in show business the complete package, miles beyond anything that I could teach you.
Shelby continued, "Jessie told me about Quinn and her baby long before Beth was born. I felt like God was offering me a second chance to do the right thing so I contacted Quinn. Beth's adoption is an open adoption; Noah wouldn't even consider anything else. I hope and pray that you don't see Beth as a replacement, but as a second chance for me. A chance to atone for what I've done. If you think that you could, I'd like for you to be part of her life. A girl needs a big sister to look up to.
"I'd like that," said Rachel as she brushed a tear from her cheek.
"But there's still something that I don't get," Rachel continued. "What do you mean when you say that you have nothing to offer me? You've given me the wisdom to forgive Finn. I was ready to break up with him over this, but you've helped me realize what's important and what isn't. Don't you see, I need a mother, I need my mother. There's a hole in my soul that only you can fill."
Shelby was patting Beth's back as Rachel let all of her emotions pour out.
"Rachel, I didn't realize that you felt that way. I saw you as a young woman on the point of greatness, who had long since passed me by."
Reaching to hug Rachel, Shelby concluded with, "Plus, I didn't want to be one of those parents who come crawling out of the woodwork when their long lost child makes good."
Rachel laughed a little as she hugged Shelby back in a three-way hug with Beth sandwiched in the middle.
Both women dabbed the tears in their eyes as Beth wiggled in Shelby's arms.
"Would you like to hold her?" Shelby asked.
"Sure, why not?" said Rachel reaching for the baby.
Rachel finally left Shelby's home feeling a lot better that when she had arrived. On the way home she dialed Finn and asked him to meet her at her house at 6:00.
Finn was surprised that Rachel had called him on her way back from Shelby's house, but at least she wanted to see him.
When she opened the door, Finn started with another apology.
"There's nothing to be sorry for," Rachel said giving him a soft kiss on the lips.
"Wow," said Finn pulling back a little, "What did Shelby say to you?"
"She just helped me see the bigger picture and to realize what's important to me and what isn't. And you Mr. Hudson are very important to me. You may have had quickie sex with Santana, but you have yet to make passionate, soul stirring love to me," said Rachel. "The kind of love making that takes all night."
Finn reached down and picked her up bridal style. "When will your dads be home?" Finn asked kissing her on the neck.
"Not until late tomorrow," Rachel answered.
"Well if you're ready, I'm ready to show you just how much you mean to me," Finn said looking her straight in the eyes.
"I'm ready," Rachel said.
He carried her over to the front door and she locked it before he turned toward the steps that led up to Rachel's bedroom.
-/- The End. Thank you for reading. Whistler Nights