Harry Potter and the Squib Headmaster

A/N: Hello everybody, I hope you'd like this fic. It is actually a humorous story and it is meant to be silly. I apologize for any grammatical errors in advance. I know my English is not perfect, but I'll work on improving it. But enough of me, here is the first chapter!

Chapter 1

The bad events

The funeral has just ended and everybody was leaving. Harry was very angry at whole world. The oldest man, who he had regarded as his friend had been murdered by one of his greatest enemies. He did not know what did Albus do to deserve death – the greatest punishment. Maybe it was not a punishment at all. Harry remembered that once professor Dumbledore once told him that for an old and experienced mind the death was only another great adventure. So, the most recent Hogwarts headmaster was adventuring now.

Just great, but let's forget about it. Some people have debts to pay. Harry thought and his face twitched in mixture of sadness and malice.

He stood up from the old log where he had been sitting and cursing everybody and everything, summoned his Firebolt and took off.

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After some hours, Hogwarts teachers were gathered in Dumbledore's office, wanting to discuss the current events and running the school. Because there have not been much furniture, they just had to seat themselves in something suitable.

So, every one of them decided to conjure a chair. Minerva McGonagall magicked out a chair that resembled royal throne, with spiky top. Flitwick was just too small to sit on normal chair, so he conjured a baby seat.

"Not too charming for a Charms professor, Filius?", asked Sprout with a smug grin. She herself sat on freshly grown bio-chair, made with a little help with Molarius Herbius spell.

"I'm shaken by the events, dear, so sometime even I might not do everything all right" He replied apologetically, not looking in her eyes.

The others' seats were not much interesting, with the exception of Sybill Trelawney. The old fraud, as many people called her behind her back, did not posses too much of magical powers, so she only managed to conjure a toilet seat. She was embarrassed and quickly vanished it with a flick of her wand, hoping that the others won't notice, especially Minerva.

She turned slightly pink and said: "I'll rather stand, I wanted to stretch my legs anyway."

Sybill had not been on exactly good terms with the Transfiguration professor ever since she started working at this school years ago. But, in exchange, she did not think much of that old hag with a tight combed up bunch of gray hair too. She was only stupid cat, anyway.

"Ladies and gentlewizards, may we begin our discussion?", Minerva asked with a stern expression. She did not want to show her emotions much, she had been very affected with Albus passing away.

"Of course", everybody except Sybill replied.

"So. The first matter to discuss is the new Head of Hogwarts. Who will it be? As a deputy Headmistress, I assume that I might stand a chance."

"So you do, dear Minerva, you have all my support", Flitwick said.

"Yea, professor, who'd be more suitable than you, eh? I dunno if there's 'nybody who'd be better than yeh" Hagrid said with shy smile.

He fancied Minerva ever since he was a little first year at Hogwarts. Well, little might not suit good old Rubeus, as he is a half-giant and in his first year he was already bigger than most of the older students and the old caretaker included.

"Thanks, Rubeus" McGonagall said quietly and smiled seductively at Hagrid. "I might use this dumb oaf, and I should have it realized much sooner. He might help me on my way to power".

Hagrid started to blush, positively dignified by the fact that Minerva smiled at him. I might try and ask her out one day, he planned.

"Minerva is surely good candidate, as she had been the deputy headmistress for a long time", said professor Vectra.

"I must agree, too", blurted out Sinistra, who had been gazing out of the window, blurry eyed.

"So, any further objections?" Minerva asked. With a satisfied smile, she saw that now she was the Headmistress, finally, after many and many years.

At that instant, another painting appeared on the wall. With familiar face in it, pointed wizard hat, sparkling blue eyes and half-moon spectacles.

"Albus!" Minerva cried.

"Ah, Minnie, at last we meet again. I wish you good luck as my successor." Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eyes. "But excuse me now, I need to rest.".

He turned away in his portrait and walked somewhere.

"Strange, but wise, as usual, our headmaster is" Flitwick said and then stood up, walked around the room.

"So, dear colleagues. I think we should surely open the school next year. We can't afford not to teach. Am I right?" New headmistress wondered, but nobody opposed her.

This is nice, being the boss and everything, she smiled under her nose and told the assembly that the discussion was over tonight.

"The same tomorrow, right?" With that, everybody got up and left. Only bunch of weird magical seats left there.

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Harry was exhausted after the long flight, but finally he had managed to reach his destination.

Number 4, Privet Drive. This long hated house was the first place, where he had things to settle. He flicked his wand and,

"Ding dong", the bell rang.

"Whooo is theeree?", high-pitched voice of aunt Petunia called out.

"Police! Open immediately!" Harry shouted, deepening his voice, grinning madly.

"Oh, my". With that, door opened and Petunia Dursley stood there, wrapped in the towel, wearing nothing but a pink towel with black elephants and ugly green mask. Harry nearly dropped dead in shock, he had never seen his aunt such nasty looking before.

Oh gosh, she has hairy legs! he though and forced himself not to throw up.

"You bastard, why did you pretend to be police! And what are you doing here, anyway? Don't you see that I'm trying to beautify myself?"

"No, should I?" Young wizard grinned, forgetting about his anger. But his new malevolence of Petunia's ugliness was soon replaced with great shock. He saw a familiar figure exiting the toilet of Dursley house.

"Lockhart!" He yelled. "What are YOU doing here!"

"Ah, Harry. Your auntie has told me so much about you, he smiled. Do you know that we two are related?"

"No! And I do not wish to be related anymore to a scum like you! You tried to wipe my memory four years ago, remember? Now, wipe your ass, because you stink and you are ugly, just like that woman! I just wanted to torture and kill Dursleys, but it seems that I'd have to go. I have something to do! Fear me!" With that, he disapparated.

Oh, magic again. I hate that! Petunia thought and she imagined her deceased ex-husband Vernon, who died of infarct. He had hated that magical weirdos possibly more than anybody alive. She missed him, that's true. But Gilderoy is so sweet, even if he is a wizard. Luck that he loves older women.

"Petunia, dear, what is troubling you?" Lockhart asked, reaching out to touch her hand.

"Nothing, Gildy. Just a sad memory, nothing more." With that, she planted a kiss on his cheek, went back to bathroom to take off her beauty mask and shave her legs.

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Harry was really thoroughly pissed now. Not only that he screwed his Dursley revenge, but also did not manage to do anything to them.

I'm weak, he thought. Let's seek some help. But, if I can't manage to do it myself, what a Gryffindor am I? But, the Hat also told me I'd be good in Slytherin, too. Let's have some fun before.

He turned his broomstick towards the Black Manor.

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"Dobby is so much happy to see Mister Harry Potter, sir" the house elf squeaked with delight. "What can Dobby do for you?"

"You surely know some elves, don't you?"

"Of course Dobby does, sir. What does Mister want to do with them?"

"Kill'em all! Avada Kedavra!" Harry roared, a green stream of light hitting the unsuspecting house elf in the left ear.

"AAAAargh!" Dobby screamed!

"Huh?" Harry looked at Dobby, dumbstruck. Why didn't you die?

"Because house elves must be hit directly in the chest, just like this. Avada Kedavra!" A tall man with greasy hair said in cold voice.

"No, idiot!" Harry yelled and performed a counter-spell that hit with man's curse, exploding mere inches in front of horrified elf. "I just wanted to scare him a bit, you know."

"Oh really, using Unforgivables, Potter? Pathetic, as usual. Come with me." With that, he cast a body-binding spell on poor Harry who only now realized who was the newcomer.

"Snape! You git! What are you ..."

"Silencio!"

After that, Severus flicked his wand again, saying "Reducto" and kept minimizing Harry until he was small enough to fit in his robe pocket. He inserted the Boy Who Lived there and walked into flames, flooing away, shouting "Malfoy Manor" and then whistling some muggle tune.

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When he got out of the flames, he cast a quick glance at Voldemort, who was sitting in a comfortable armchair, reading Hogwarts: A History.

"My Lordship, I have Potter here." Snape said.

"Great! Put him down!"

With that, Potions teacher took out protesting Harry and restored him to his original size.

"Potter. We finally meet again. And nothing will stand in my evil plan now! Here, drink this." Dark Lord said, forcing small vial into boy's mouth.

Harry tried hard not to swallow that potion. He was sure it was some kind of poison, but it felt oddly sweet. Like condensed milk. But who knows, with a Potions Master on his side, Voldie was capable of making even salty chocolate potion.

Then, his head started to spin and his scar began to hurt. The pain gradually rose and rose and rose until he fainted.

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A/N: Please be so kind and review when you got even here. Tell me what you think? Should I continue? Thanks!